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Issues with the complicated relationship between boyfriend's ex and baby mama

CinderElla97

By CinderElla97
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Paul
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Our community has shared a thread with @CinderElla97 from another participant that has many similarities to this thread. Please be mindful that while there's much to be learned from similar or identical experiences shared by others here, and it's great that we are able to help connect CinderElla97 with discussions that resonate with the experience she's sharing with us today, the poster has made it clear in this thread that she does not identify as the same individual and did not post the similar thread with a different account late last year.

For the purposes of our discussion here, please accept this gentle reminder to be respectful of the thread starter's position on the matter. We kindly ask that you refrain from insisting that the thread starter and the previous thread author are one in the same. Let's focus our energies instead on discussing the feedback in this and in similar threads that may be germane to CinderElla97's circumstances.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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3 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

I’ll try some analogies for you because I can see you truly don’t understand...

-Do you remember being in like 5th grade and there was a boy picking on you and being mean to you and your mother telling you it’s because he has a crush on you?


- Screamjng, “I HATEYOU” during an argument with your boyfriend? you don’t actually hate him but have so much passion behind it.

 

It’s not so cut and dry to explain why his actions prove he’s still not over her. But put yourself in his shoes. If your ex was causing this much drama and you truly wanted absolutely no part of him and he was ‘causing’ all of these problems and dramas in your relationship, what would you do?

Would you get mad and bad mouth him but then give him your new number or block him and unblock him? No  You would cut him out of your life completely. And if you can’t do that because of kids, if he was just asking you how your morning was, you wouldn’t care  you would Want to protect your current relationship at all costs, so you would separate yourself from your ex. You wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t yell and scream and block and unblock and give him your number and rant and rave - you just wouldn’t... care.

I don’t see how anyone can explain it any further for you. It’s been explained as nauseum and you choose not to understand it because you think it can’t be true. So you are in denial.

Gurl please, he was with her for many years. Shares 3 children with her. Was cheating on her with you and then they broke up suddenly. There is a lot of history between them. That is not an emotion you can just cut off so quickly. 
 

If they were broken up for 2 years, and he’s healed and so has she, and he’s dated here or there, processed his relationship, mourned it, and works successfully at coparenting with her with no issues, and then you started a relationship with you, this would be different. 
 

You are an exit affair, rebound and other woman all rolled up into one. You just do not see it. But if and when your relationship with man ends, and you’ve had time to process it, you will look back in hindsight and kick yourself for all the red flags waving in front of you that you chose to ignore. 

I can’t explain it any further honestly. 

 

 

Ok. But there is picking on someone a little and then there is being downright nasty. The things these 2 say to eachother are horrible. 

And again... i understand being the other woman and you explained exit affair so i now get that but i still don't understand how i could be a rebound?

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Posted
6 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

And again... i understand being the other woman and you explained exit affair so i now get that but i still don't understand how i could be a rebound?

Because normally when the MM moves on from the wife there is a period of wanting to be free to explore other women.  They don't end up wanting to be with the OW because it reminds them of the mess that brought them to divorce.  It gives MM time to reflect and they usually only spend a short time with OW before moving on to another woman who had nothing to do with the divorce and she is more readily accepted by the MM's children and family.   I imagine that is why you're being called a rebound.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Ok. But there is picking on someone a little and then there is being downright nasty. The things these 2 say to eachother are horrible. 

And again... i understand being the other woman and you explained exit affair so i now get that but i still don't understand how i could be a rebound?

He wanted out of his marriage, and you were "there."  You cushioned the fall, and are still cushioning the fall.

And you will continue to cushion the fall as he works through his feelings/emotions about his ex and the end of his marriage. 

Cinder, I don't mean to add to whatever pain you might be feeling, but you could be anyone.  Any woman.

He needed (still needs) someone and again you were/are there.

And as with most transitional relationships, once he's done processing his feelings and emotions for his ex, and the demise of his marriage, he won't need you anymore, and your relationship will be done. 

Thst is why it is so often advised to not date a separated or newly divorced man.  

You're very young, lack experience and naturally naive, so you will fight this, rationalize it, defend it.

Which is fine, I've been there too, not as deep as you, but I had A LOT to learn at your age.

And I did.  You will too. And will be stronger for having experienced it.

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

He wanted out of his marriage, and you were "there."  You cushioned the fall, and are still cushioning the fall.

And you will continue to cushion the fall as he works through his emotions about his ex and the end of his marriage. 

Cinder, I don't mean to add to whatever pain you might be feeling, but you could be anyone.  Any woman.

He needed (still needs) someone and again you were there.

And as with most transitional relationships, once he's done processing his emotions for his ex, and the demise of his marriage, he won't need you anymore, and your relationship will be done. 

You're very young, lack experience and naturally naive, so you will fight this, rationalize it, defend it.

Which is fine, I've been there too, not as deep as you, but I had A LOT to learn at your age.

And I did.  You will too. And will be stronger for having experienced it.

But if he wanted out of their relationship then why does he need to process anything? If he had already stopped loving her and wanted out then why would he need to process his emotions for her? Surely the fact he wanted out of an apparently happy relationship would say that there were no emotions left?

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

But if he wanted out of their relationship then why does he need to process anything? If he had already stopped loving her and wanted out then why would he need to process his emotions for her? Surely the fact he wanted out of an apparently happy relationship would say that there were no emotions left?

We've tried to explain best we can, hopefully you will understand as you mature, grow, evolve and gain more experience. 

Good luck.

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

We've tried to explain best we can, hopefully you will understand as you mature, grow, evolve and gain more experience. 

Good luck.

I know and i am grateful but everyone seems to answer the same questions but there are still some i don't understand

Malin889 Established Member

Malin889

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

It was my idea because she kept messaging me

Why does she have your phone number? 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I know and i am grateful but everyone seems to answer the same questions but there are still some i don't understand

Please go back and re-read the thread, it's ALL there.

And the reason we are answering the same questions, is because you keep asking the same questions! Lol

I will say one last thing to you and I mean no offense.

But your innocence and naivete about the harsh realities of life, raw human emotion, and how two people can love (deeply) and hate each other at the same time may be precisely why he chose you.

Any other woman with a bit of experience (and frankly good sense and smarts that can only come from experience) would literally be running for the hills from a man like him, going through what he is, the drama with his ex, all of it.  Running!

But you stay, rationalize, defend and deny. 

Again, best of.luck.

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

Posted
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Posted
3 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Why does she have your phone number? 

She doesn't. She messages through social media

Malin889 Established Member

Malin889

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

He does tell her to stop blaming me and to leave me out of it, that i am innocent in all of it but she still messages. Only ever when they are arguing though

If it's bothering you that much, then you should block her. 

 

Edited by Malin889
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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I blocked her before but then he asked me to unblock her saying she wanted to talk to me properly so i did. She never spoke properly though. She sometimes blocks me herself but then i see her name come up in my people you may know where she unblocks me again

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Please go back and re-read the thread, it's ALL there.

And the reason we are answering the same questions, is because you keep asking the same questions! Lol

I will say one last thing to you and I mean no offense.

But your innocence and naivete about the harsh realities of life, raw human emotion, and how two people can love and hate each other at the same time may be precisely why he chose you.

Any other woman with a bit of experience (and frankly good sense and smarts that can only come from experience) would literally be running for the hills from a man like him, going through what he is, the drama with his ex, all of it.  Running!

But you stay, rationalize, defend and deny. 

Again, best of.luck.

It was his mate that pushed us together.  I know i am repetitive. I'm sorry. If the answers to my last questions are there then i still don't understand them as i can't see them.

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
23 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I blocked her before but then he asked me to unblock her saying she wanted to talk to me properly so i did. She never spoke properly though.

I wasn't going to respond anymore but this^ is sick.

The woman is verbally abusive to you, so you block.

Apparently, that bothered her so she told her ex/your bf to tell you to unblock her. 

Which he did and you as the dutiful gf unblocked her.

After which she continues to harass you, which he refuses to do anything about, as evidenced by the fact it's still happening!

What does this tell you??  What it should tell you is that your boyfriend cares more about his ex"s feelings than yours! 

Cinder, what the H are you doing in this relationship?  

Serious question! 

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Posted
3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I wasn't going to respond anymore but this^ is sick.

The woman is verbally abusive to you, so you block.

Apparently, that bothered her so she told her ex/your bf to tell you to unblock her. 

Which he did and you as the dutiful gf unblocked her.

After which she continues to harass you, which he refuses to do anything about, as evidenced by the fact it's still happening!

What does tell you??  What it should tell you is that your boyfriend cares more about his ex"s feelings than yours! 

Cinder, what the H are you doing in this relationship?  

Serious question! 

He does tell her to stop. He has told her on multiple occasions that i am innocent in everything and to leave me alone. 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

He does tell her to stop. He has told her on multiple occasions that i am innocent in everything and to leave me alone. 

Bottom line, he is still allowing it to happen.

Why hasn't he called the police and filed charges of harassment?  

Why won't he allow you to block her?  You don't need his permission! 

I mean she is abusive to you! Cinder come on girl you cannot be "this" naive. 

Clearly, CLEARLY, he is putting her feelings before yours, there is no escaping this fact.

Anyway, I'm becoming angry myself now, on your behalf, so I am going to wish you the best and exit this thread. 

Take care.

Edited by poppyfields
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Posted

Of course i can block her again.i just don't see the point as she will no doubt only go running back to him about it anyway. Atleast this way if she has anything to say about me she can say it to me herself. I don't reply. I have told her i do not want to talk to her.

Realitysux Established Member

Realitysux

Posted
Posted (edited)

That's a lot of drama! Wow .. what answers are you looking for? I wouldn't do it. 

Edited by Realitysux
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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

He wanted out of his marriage, and you were "there."  You cushioned the fall, and are still cushioning the fall.

And you will continue to cushion the fall as he works through his feelings/emotions about his ex and the end of his marriage. 

Cinder, I don't mean to add to whatever pain you might be feeling, but you could be anyone.  Any woman.

He needed (still needs) someone and again you were/are there.

And as with most transitional relationships, once he's done processing his feelings and emotions for his ex, and the demise of his marriage, he won't need you anymore, and your relationship will be done. 

Thst is why it is so often advised to not date a separated or newly divorced man.  

You're very young, lack experience and naturally naive, so you will fight this, rationalize it, defend it.

Which is fine, I've been there too, not as deep as you, but I had A LOT to learn at your age.

And I did.  You will too. And will be stronger for having experienced it.

 

9 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

But if he wanted out of their relationship then why does he need to process anything? If he had already stopped loving her and wanted out then why would he need to process his emotions for her? Surely the fact he wanted out of an apparently happy relationship would say that there were no emotions left?

 

6 hours ago, Realitysux said:

That's a lot of drama! Wow .. what answers are you looking for? I wouldn't do it. 

This ^^

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Posted

So... if you was to take out everything else i have said about him that you have based his character on and just focussed on the way he communicates with her would the opinion still be the same? That i should run?

I say to take everything else out because although i understand that they are character flaws he is not this way with me and treats me really well. We are very happy together and other than his ex constantly texting, we have no issues

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Posted (edited)

Maybe it is just me but i feel a little like maybe people are boycotting my thread. Crazy i know lol.

So... all i can say is... i am sorry i am so repetitive and i am sorry i am slow at understanding things.

I do genuinely appreciate all the advice and opinions given. But some of the things that have been said have made me question other things

Edited by CinderElla97
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

I don't think anyone's boycotting, but we can only tell you the same things in so many different ways before we're all just essentially repeating ourselves. 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think anyone's boycotting, but we can only tell you the same things in so many different ways before we're all just essentially repeating ourselves. 

I understand that and i am aware that i am not the brightest and that i can be slow on the update. I know it can be tiresome explaining things to me, believe me, i know. It is something i have been told for as long as i can remember.

If i have already been given the answers to my last questions then i'm sorry bit i obviously still don't understand as i do not know which answers they are

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
52 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I understand that and i am aware that i am not the brightest and that i can be slow on the update. I know it can be tiresome explaining things to me, believe me, i know. It is something i have been told for as long as i can remember.

If i have already been given the answers to my last questions then i'm sorry bit i obviously still don't understand as i do not know which answers they are

Cinder, please don't take offense but since admittedly after six pages of literally everyone telling you very clearly what's likely going on with your bf and why, you still don't understand, I am wondering if perhaps you should seek counseling to determine whether or not there's something else at play here - a social disorder of some sort that prevents you from understanding.

And also because others in your life have noticed and relayed the same thing to you.

This is not a criticism or judgment but a genuine concern for your mental health and safety. 

((Hugs))

Edited by poppyfields
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
56 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

If i have already been given the answers to my last questions then i'm sorry bit i obviously still don't understand as i do not know which answers they are

All you can really do is go back and re-read the posts in this thread. 

Show them to a friend or family member who knows you and can help explain things in person, in a way they'll know you understand.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

Posted
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Posted (edited)
35 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Cinder, please don't take offense but since admittedly after six pages of literally everyone telling you very clearly what's likely going on with your bf and why, you still don't understand, I am wondering if perhaps you should seek counseling to determine whether or not there's something else at play here - a social disorder of some sort that prevents you from understanding.

And also because others in your life have noticed and relayed the same thing to you.

This is not a criticism or judgment but a genuine concern for your mental health and safety. 

((Hugs))

I understand all of what has been said with regards to my original questions. It is just the last ones that i have asked that have come about some of the answers i have been given that i am still not clear on.

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All you can really do is go back and re-read the posts in this thread. 

Show them to a friend or family member who knows you and can help explain things in person, in a way they'll know you understand.

There is no one that i can really show. We are in lockdown so it is just me and him.

Edited by CinderElla97
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