Issues with the complicated relationship between boyfriend's ex and baby mama

[poppyfields]

Ok, so you were looking for insight into why they argued so much and so intensely.  And why he gave her his phone number after saying he did not want her to have, due to excessive texting and arguments.

And, we have given you that insight which you continue to dismiss, defend against, refuse to believe.

I'm not trying to be snarky I promise, but is there something else we can help you with?  Other than providing insight which we've already provided which you either dismissed, denied or defended against? 

Genuinely confused. 

Edited April 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

Who's idea was it to tell her you guys were no longer together?

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

Not sure if i am about to word this right.... if they aren't talking anymore than i know of would you still have the same opinion?

You don't know that they aren't talking when he's not with you. 

He likely talks to her alot while he's at work

[CinderElla97]

5 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You don't know that they aren't talking when he's not with you. 

He likely talks to her alot while he's at work

He is not working right now. Neither of us are. Both of our jobs are closed during the lock down

[CinderElla97]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Who's idea was it to tell her you guys were no longer together?

It was my idea because she kept messaging me

[CinderElla97]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Ok, so you were looking for insight into why they argued so much and so intensely.  And why he gave her his phone number after saying he did not want her to have, due to excessive texting and arguments.

And, we have given you that insight which you continue to dismiss, defend against, refuse to believe.

I'm not trying to be snarky I promise, but is there something else we can help you with?  Other than providing insight which we've already provided which you either dismissed, denied or defended against? 

Genuinely confused. 

It is not that i refuse to believe it. Not as such. I am just havung trouble understanding it because like i say it only seems to be based on the arguing. Is that enough? Would he not be doing more?

[CinderElla97]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think people here have given you their ideas as to why they argue so badly but you decline everyone's point.  Why do you think they argue so badly as we haven't a clue.

I think it is because she is still in love with him and is jealous because she wants him back so when he doesn't respond or act in the way she wants she kicks off

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

It was my idea because she kept messaging me

This was a bad idea if you say she wants him back.  Your being broken up gives her hope to get him back.  No wonder she's now angry.  If you two have problems with her you should be facing it together so she knows you are a couple and this isn't going to change.

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

he doesn't really spend time with her, or seem keen to spend time with her

How do you know that for sure? 

He says that likely for your benefit. 

You are really hanging on to everything he tells you when it's likely all bs. 

[LynneVicious]

3 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

I am not sure who you are referring to. 

However, i am sure that i probably do have a repetitive thought pattern right now but only because i came to ask something, everybody has given the same answer which was an answer i was not expecting to hear and no one is really explaining why they have come to that conclussion. I understand there must be some kind of truth to it and a sign that i am onviously missing for it to be pretty much unanimous but i just can't see what i could be missing. 

So... if people would kindly explain where this conclusion has been drawn from i would greatly appreciate it. I also appreciate any advice already given.

 Thank you

I know I’ve addressed this with you. They argue because their relationship is not done. And they are volatile because they still love each other. And I can glean this by the facts you’ve posted about. And I’m in my 40s and was in a similar situation as yours when I was younger and didn’t pick up the signs until it was too late. 

5 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I think it is because she is still in love with him and is jealous because she wants him back so when he doesn't respond or act in the way she wants she kicks off

Yes. And him to her. 
I’m going to tell you what will happen with reasonable accuracy: They will continue to fight. They have 3 kids together so they will be tied together for life. At some point, he will cheat on you with her or you’ll find they’re talking more than he lets on. 
 

He will claim it’s for the children. Then he will get frustrated and come back to you if you let him and there will be your life for the foreseeable future. 
 

You will ask how can I possibly know that? Because I have a lot more life experience than you and every. Single. Relationship like yours results the same outcome. 
 

I explained this all in another thread. But since you cannot it won’t see it, I advise you to do what another poster suggested: enjoy your time with him and your relationship while it lasts and don’t try and decipher or understand his relationship with his ex. 

[CinderElla97]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

How do you know that for sure? 

He says that likely for your benefit. 

You are really hanging on to everything he tells you when it's likely all bs. 

Because we live together and at the moment because of the lockdown neither of us is going anywhere other than shopping or for a walk which we do together

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I think it is because she is still in love with him and is jealous because she wants him back so when he doesn't respond or act in the way she wants she kicks off

So why when she starts "kicking off" doesn't he simply shut her down?  

A man who no longer gave a f would, no question! 

Why do you think he isn't?  In fact, he's doing the opposite, he encourages it by reacting the way he does, with such intense anger.

This is exactly the reaction she's seeking, as only a person who still had lingering unresolved feelings would react with such intense anger.

Thin line between love and hate, and all that.

 

Edited April 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[CinderElla97]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

So why when she starts "kicking off" doesn't he simply shut her down?  

A man who no longer gave a f would, no question! 

Why do you think he isn't?  In fact, he's doing the opposite, he encourages it by reacting the way he does, with such intense anger.

This is exactly the reaction she's seeking, as only a person who still had some lingering unresolved feelings would react with such intense anger.

 

Shut it down how? He has tried ignoring her but she just continues and the more time goes on before he replies the more messages she sends and the more she argues

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Shut it down how? He has tried ignoring her but she just continues and the more time goes on before he replies the more messages she sends and the more she argues

By strongly and assertively telling her in no uncertain terms to STOP,  period.

No anger, only assertiveness. 

If she continues with her harassment, which is what it would be if she ignored his directive, he can very calmly tell her he will be going to the police and requesting a restraining order.

Harassment of that nature is against the law.

Why hasn't he done that Cinder?  Any thoughts? 

Edited April 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

This is a new issue as they were not even in contact a few months ago.

You know only what he lets you see and hear.

[CinderElla97]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You know only what he lets you see and hear.

I understand that.

But i know through his mum that they were not in contact during that time as when she reached back out to him he text his mum to tell her that he had heard from her and that she wanted him to see the children. He didn't text his mum just to tell her, or not that i am aware of. They was asking to borrow some money and mentioned it to her whilst they were talking

Edited April 25, 2020 by CinderElla97

[CinderElla97]

The only person i have had messages from is her. None of them have been nice. Well not really. Most are to give me abuse about hoe she blames me for everything. I had a few not so bad ones whe  we had a conversation as i had enough of her messaging and replied to try and set the record straight and get her to leave me alone. She then sent me screenshots with dates they were still together and of vaguely sexual conversatioms from a few months into our relationship. I asked her for more, she didn't want to send any but i asked again and so she did. She thought i was playing games but i told her i was sat crying and that i was going to confront him and leave him. I then decided not to as it was so little and thats when i decided to carry on and let her believe i had ended things so i had a few messages of her asking if i was ok followed by her asking for the truth saying she did not believe us that it was over

Edited April 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

By strongly and assertively telling her in no uncertain terms to STOP,  period.

No anger, only assertiveness. 

If she continues with her harassment, which is what it would be if she ignored his directive, he can very calmly tell her he will be going to the police and requesting a restraining order.

Harassment of that nature is against the law.

Why hasn't he done that Cinder?  Any thoughts? 

Cinder, would you mind responding to this? ^^

[CinderElla97]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Cinder, would you mind responding to this? ^^

I didn't see this. Sorry

I don't know why.

He does tell her he can't always answer as he doesn't always have his phone.

And he does tell her he only wants to speak about the children. 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I didn't see this. Sorry

I don't know why.

 

I'm not a mind reader but the likely reason is because on some level, no matter how twisted, he gets something important from it - it keeps their connection alive. 

You would be very foolish to ignore this very real possibility.

If there were any other reason, he'd be assertively shutting it down, not ignoring, not emotionally blocking/unblocking, but shutting it down.

Especially given how she harasses you!  The woman he's living with and claims to love.

Does any of what he's doing (or not doing) make sense to you? 

It doesn't to me or the rest of us.

Edited April 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[CinderElla97]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm not a mind reader but the likely reason is because on some level, no matter how twisted, he gets something important from it - it keeps their connection alive. 

You would be very foolish to ignore this very real possibility.

If there were any other reason, he'd be assertively shutting it down, not ignoring, not emotionally blocking/unblocking, but shutting it down.

Especially given how she harasses you!  The woman he's living with and claims to love.

Does any of what he's doing (or not doing) make sense to you? 

It doesn't to me or the rest of us.

He does tell her to stop blaming me and to leave me out of it, that i am innocent in all of it but she still messages. Only ever when they are arguing though

Edited April 25, 2020 by CinderElla97

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

He does tell her to stop blaming me

I said strongly and assertively telling her.

To stop it, period end of.  Or will file charges of harassment.

THAT is what a man who no longer cares and who is indifferent would do.

It's what one of my ex's did when his ex gf wouldn't leave us alone. 

It's what I would do if an ex wouldn't leave my bf and I alone.

He certainly wouldn't be encouraging it by playing her game, arguing back to the extent he does.  That only adds fuel to the fire and keeps the drama (and connection) alive. 

But nevermind, I don't think I've ever witnessed someone in such deep denial, on any forum.

Best of luck. 

Edited April 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[LynneVicious]

51 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I said strongly and assertively telling her.

To stop it, period end of.  Or will file charges of harassment.

THAT is what a man who no longer cares and who is indifferent would do.

It's what one of my ex's did when his ex gf wouldn't leave us alone. 

It's what I would do if an ex wouldn't leave my bf and I alone.

He certainly wouldn't be encouraging it by playing her game, arguing back to the extent he does.  That only adds fuel to the fire and keeps the drama (and connection) alive. 

But nevermind, I don't think I've ever witnessed someone in such deep denial, on any forum.

Best of luck. 

Poppy, right on. I do try hope the op sees it sooner than later, but I don’t think that will happen. In the meantime, she should just enjoy her relationship and if the drama gets too much, maybe she’ll bounce. 

[CinderElla97]

6 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Poppy, right on. I do try hope the op sees it sooner than later, but I don’t think that will happen. In the meantime, she should just enjoy her relationship and if the drama gets too much, maybe she’ll bounce. 

If i feel that it is that he still feels something for her then yes i will certainly leave. 

At the moment though i am still trying to get my head around everything.

Like, how does saying things like that, that would almost certainly hurt her, keep the connection alive. I can see how it would keep drama alive but how does it keep the connection between them. I would have thought it would only serve to push her away?

[LynneVicious]

1 minute ago, CinderElla97 said:

If i feel that it is that he still feels something for her then yes i will certainly leave. 

At the moment though i am still trying to get my head around everything.

Like, how does saying things like that, that would almost certainly hurt her, keep the connection alive. I can see how it would keep drama alive but how does it keep the connection between them. I would have thought it would only serve to push her away?

I’ll try some analogies for you because I can see you truly don’t understand...

-Do you remember being in like 5th grade and there was a boy picking on you and being mean to you and your mother telling you it’s because he has a crush on you?

- Screamjng, “I HATEYOU” during an argument with your boyfriend? you don’t actually hate him but have so much passion behind it.

 

It’s not so cut and dry to explain why his actions prove he’s still not over her. But put yourself in his shoes. If your ex was causing this much drama and you truly wanted absolutely no part of him and he was ‘causing’ all of these problems and dramas in your relationship, what would you do?

Would you get mad and bad mouth him but then give him your new number or block him and unblock him? No  You would cut him out of your life completely. And if you can’t do that because of kids, if he was just asking you how your morning was, you wouldn’t care  you would Want to protect your current relationship at all costs, so you would separate yourself from your ex. You wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t yell and scream and block and unblock and give him your number and rant and rave - you just wouldn’t... care.

I don’t see how anyone can explain it any further for you. It’s been explained as nauseum and you choose not to understand it because you think it can’t be true. So you are in denial.

Gurl please, he was with her for many years. Shares 3 children with her. Was cheating on her with you and then they broke up suddenly. There is a lot of history between them. That is not an emotion you can just cut off so quickly. 
 

If they were broken up for 2 years, and he’s healed and so has she, and he’s dated here or there, processed his relationship, mourned it, and works successfully at coparenting with her with no issues, and then you started a relationship with you, this would be different. 
 

You are an exit affair, rebound and other woman all rolled up into one. You just do not see it. But if and when your relationship with man ends, and you’ve had time to process it, you will look back in hindsight and kick yourself for all the red flags waving in front of you that you chose to ignore. 

I can’t explain it any further honestly.