Issues with the complicated relationship between boyfriend's ex and baby mama

[CinderElla97]

7 hours ago, Malin889 said:

So he hasn't seen his kids for a month??? Yikes. You need to stop worrying about whether or not he still has feelings for his ex, and realize what a bad father he is, which makes him, sorry to say this, a bad person. Sorry it just really pisses me off when people don't see or financially support their kids.

I'll stop now. 

I wasn't worried about whether he had feekings for her or not until i came on here and everyone said he did

[CinderElla97]

7 hours ago, Yosemite said:

Does that bother you at all or are you fine with it?

Can you see that at age 23 you have so many better options than this guy?

Did your dad leave your mom?

Does what bother me? 

Yes my dad left when i was younger

[CinderElla97]

6 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Just because you have kids together doesn’t mean you can’t limit contact. I know 2 with younger kids. That practice parallel parenting and grey rocking. It eliminates unwanted/unneeded engagement.

This is up to him. Life just isn’t worth the drama. If he can’t figure out how to  ignore I’d move on.

He does ignore her most of the time. If he replied to every text she sent they would never stop talking. He limits it to a few texts back and forth each day

[Calmandfocused]

18 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

He does ignore her most of the time. If he replied to every text she sent they would never stop talking. He limits it to a few texts back and forth each day

Clearly you are wrapped up and stuck in this cognitive bubble of safety where you’re preoccupied solely on the text message exchanges between them and nothing else. 
 

Myself and other posters have tried to open your eyes to the wider picture, but it’s evident that you’re not listening or acknowledging any of it. 
 

For your sake I hope you snap out of it. 
But in my view you’ll remain where you are for sometime - ie blaming his ex for everything and dismissing your partner’s terrible behaviour. 
 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CinderElla97]

4 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Clearly you are wrapped up and stuck in this cognitive bubble of safety where you’re preoccupied solely on the text message exchanges between them and nothing else. 
 

Myself and other posters have tried to open your eyes to the wider picture, but it’s evident that you’re not listening or acknowledging any of it. 
 

For your sake I hope you snap out of it. 
But in my view you’ll remain where you are for sometime - ie blaming his ex for everything and dismissing your partner’s terrible behaviour. 
 

We can’t help you. 
 

like Poppy, I’m out. 
 

 

I am not only focussed on the text messages. I can see what people are saying about his behaviour regarding the children.

I am just confused as to how everyone had come to the same conclusion of him still having feelings for her when as i have said before, he does ignore most of her texts, he doesn't really spend time with her, or seem keen to spend time with her, when they argue he tells her his life is none of her business. He has told her multiple times that he only wants to speak about the children but she kicks off about how they need to get along and trust eachother which means they need to talk. 

I know everyone is saying it is his behaviour and not hers but i am struggling to see how any of this means he has feelings for her?

[CinderElla97]

I know it is not all about the text messages but..  today and yesterday he has only spoken about the children and ignored anything else she has said. I asked today to see as i was curiois because of what everyone on here has said. Yesterday she sent a few messages before he replied and he asked about the children and then that was it. Never replied again. This morning she texts saying good morning how are you, he replied a few hours later saying good morning, how are you and the children, she answered and again asked how he was. He replied he was ok and asked more about the sick child. She replied and asked of he had done much yesterday, to which he hasn't replied.

So i am struggling to see why everyone has come to the conclusion that he is not over her

[elaine567]

22 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

he has a very intense love/hate kind of thing going on with her.

And that is your problem.
He cheated on her with you and now you wonder if he is cheating on you with her.
They didn't argue, everything was apparently great from her POV but he still stepped out and left her and his kids.
Now you are feeling vulnerable and insecure.
He says he loves you, everything is going great, but you feel unsafe as you don't know what he is really thinking.
He may blindside you just like he blindsided her.
She will be in his life for ever, they have kids, she is going nowhere and he won't want her to go anywhere either.
So, you either put up and shut up and learn to live with her intrusion into your life or you leave.

Many people cannot deal with exes and kids, they make a conscious decision to stay away from guys with ex wives, ex gfs and baby mamas with kids.
Maybe you need to do the same.

[CinderElla97]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

And that is your problem.
He cheated on her with you and now you wonder if he is cheating on you with her.
They didn't argue, everything was apparently great from her POV but he still stepped out and left her and his kids.
Now you are feeling vulnerable and insecure.
He says he loves you, everything is going great, but you feel unsafe as you don't know what he is really thinking.
He may blindside you just like he blindsided her.
She will be in his life for ever, they have kids, she is going nowhere and he won't want her to go anywhere either.
So, you either put up and shut up and learn to live with her intrusion into your life or you leave.

Many people cannot deal with exes and kids, they make a conscious decision to stay away from guys with ex wives, ex gfs and baby mamas with kids.
Maybe you need to do the same.

I'm not wondering if he is cheating on me. I don't think he is at all. I came on here asking about their arguments and how he can be tearing into her calling her things like batsh*t crazy, deluded and a devil woman. And say things like how he wishes she wasn't the mother of his children but then 10 minutes later be apologising and giving her his new phone number that for the past 4 months he has said he would never give her because she texts and argues too much.

It is everyone on here that is convinced he has feelings for her or that something is going on between them but i can not see why

[CinderElla97]

However, i am sure that i probably do have a repetitive thought pattern right now but only because i came to ask something, everybody has given the same answer which was an answer i was not expecting to hear and no one is really explaining why they have come to that conclussion. I understand there must be some kind of truth to it and a sign that i am onviously missing for it to be pretty much unanimous but i just can't see what i could be missing. 

So... if people would kindly explain where this conclusion has been drawn from i would greatly appreciate it. I also appreciate any advice already given.

 Thank you

Edited April 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[poppyfields]

Yes we have explained why we came to the conclusion that your bf still has feelings for his ex, I invite you to go back and re-read the thread, it's all there.

Problem is you're in such deep denial about it, you refuse to actually hear what we've been saying.  

But it's all contained within the pages of this thread when you're emotionally and mentally prepared to listen to it.

[CinderElla97]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Yes we have explained why we came to the conclusion that your bf still has feelings for his ex, I invite you to go back and re-read the thread, it's all there.

Problem is you're in such deep denial about it, you refuse to actually hear what we've been saying.  

But it's all contained within the pages of this thread when you're emotionally and mentally prepared to listen to it.

The only thing i have seen is because he argues with her? But that can't be enough surely? Would he not talk to her more or want to visit her and the children more often and thibgs like that?

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

The only thing i have seen is because he argues with her? But that can't be enough surely? Would he not talk to her more or want to visit her and the children more often and thibgs like that?

I mean no disrespect Cinder, but at only  23 years of age or thereabouts, I don't think you have the life experience or frankly the knowledge to understand all the various nuances at play here. 

Love/hate relationships, rebound relationships, denial, knowing when you're being manipulated, among other things comprising human emotions and relationships.

Understanding these nuances can only come with experience, as you no doubt will gain from this, eventually. 

Sadly, I don't envision this working out well for you, but you will learn a great  lesson from it, and for that you can be grateful.  

 

Edited April 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[CinderElla97]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I mean no disrespect Cinder, but at only  23 years of age or thereabouts, I don't think you have the life experience or frankly the knowledge to understand all the various nuances at play here. 

Love/hate relationships, rebound relationships, denial, knowing when you're being manipulated, among other things comprising human emotions and relationships.

Understanding these nuances can only come with experience, as you no doubt will gain from this, eventually. 

Sadly, I don't envision this working out well for you, but you will learn a great  lesson from it, and for that you can be grateful.  

 

A couple of times now people have mentiomed rebound. How could i be a rebound if it appears as though he left her to be with me?

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

A couple of times now people have mentiomed rebound. How could i be a rebound if it appears as though he left her to be with me?

You're asking questions that have "already" been answered and that frankly imo only "experience" can teach you anyway.

Experience "is" the BEST teacher, learn from mistakes, grow, evolve. 

You are free to continue posting but I see no point, sadly you're clearly not open to even considering perspectives other than your own, so my advice is carry on, try and  enjoy the positive aspects of your relationship, forget the ex, and hope for the best!! 

Edited April 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Malin889]

7 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

I am just confused as to how everyone had come to the same conclusion of him still having feelings for her when as i have said before, he does ignore most of her texts, he doesn't really spend time with her, or seem keen to spend time with her, when they argue he tells her his life is none of her business. He has told her multiple times that he only wants to speak about the children but she kicks off about how they need to get along and trust eachother which means they need to talk. 

I know everyone is saying it is his behaviour and not hers but i am struggling to see how any of this means he has feelings for her?

I don't think you should worry about other people's opinions about whether or not they have feelings for each other. I think you need to worry about the facts. He fights with his ex-wife and calls her names. He's very volatile with her. He doesn't pay child support. He barely sees his children. Worry about the facts, and think, do I want to be with a guy like this? Would I want a guy to treat me this way? Do I want a future with a guy who doesn't seem to care about his kids? 

[Mystery4u]

OP why exactly are you with this loser?

He lied to and cheated on his ex with you, the worst 2 behavioural traits you would want in a life long partner and he showed to you he has them already, so can easily do the same to you.

He has set no boundaries for his communication with his ex, why is she asking him how his day is? The only thing they should be talking about is the children. He's also shown a lot of immaturity with regards to arguing with her and blocking etc, that's something a teenager would do.

Add to that he hardly ever sees his children, does not support them financially which is something he should be doing regardless of what the ex says because it's his duty as a father, basically doesn't even seem to care. He could have visited them even during the lockdown if he really wanted to. If not then a video call every single day would be the bare minimum I would expect. Does he even do that?

On top of that you said when you try to bring up some of these things he would just shut down the conversation and say he doesn't want to talk about it. Basically only thinking of himself, his feelings, not giving a care in the world about yours. Selfish.

You are only 23. Why drag yourself down with someone with so much baggage, immaturity, who has shown to not only be a bad person but a terrible father too? You can do a lot better.

Edited April 25, 2020 by Mystery4u

[poppyfields]

@Malin and Mystery, brilliant posts, spot on!

I hope Cinder is listening. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, CinderElla97 said:

I'm not wondering if he is cheating on me. I don't think he is at all. I came on here asking about their arguments and how he can be tearing into her calling her things like batsh*t crazy, deluded and a devil woman. And say things like how he wishes she wasn't the mother of his children but then 10 minutes later be apologising and giving her his new phone number that for the past 4 months he has said he would never give her because she texts and argues too much.

It is everyone on here that is convinced he has feelings for her or that something is going on between them but i can not see why

I once dated a guy who would talk horribly about his ex gf who he had been with for 4 years.  I was young and thought it meant he hated her.  They didn't even have kids and I would see his car at her house and then he'd tell me some bull story about why he was over there.  He would go back to cussing about her, playing on my sympathy, until one day I found him hiding in the bathroom bawling his eyes out and he finally admitted he was trying to get her back but couldn't.

[CinderElla97]

He doesn't tell me how much he hates her. Or even really ever talk about her at all other than when they are arguing. He just seems as though he does with the things he says to her during their arguments

Edited April 25, 2020 by CinderElla97

[CinderElla97]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

You're asking questions that have "already" been answered and that frankly imo only "experience" can teach you anyway.

Experience "is" the BEST teacher, learn from mistakes, grow, evolve. 

You are free to continue posting but I see no point, sadly you're clearly not open to even considering perspectives other than your own, so my advice is carry on, try and  enjoy the positive aspects of your relationship, forget the ex, and hope for the best!! 

I haven't seen where it was said why or how i could be seen as a rebound. I understand what a rebound is and that if he had left her shortly before we got together that that is what i couls be but i am unclear as to how it wprk in terms of us being together before they were over

[CinderElla97]

1 hour ago, Malin889 said:

I don't think you should worry about other people's opinions about whether or not they have feelings for each other. I think you need to worry about the facts. He fights with his ex-wife and calls her names. He's very volatile with her. He doesn't pay child support. He barely sees his children. Worry about the facts, and think, do I want to be with a guy like this? Would I want a guy to treat me this way? Do I want a future with a guy who doesn't seem to care about his kids? 

No i wouldn't want a guy to treat me like this. And he doesn't. He is only like it with her. And he doesn't see the children often as he says that when they argue she tells him to stay away. I have personally seen texts where she has told him to stay away from her house as well as her and the children

[poppyfields]

Cinder, refresh my memory, why did you create this thread?  

I forgot and don't have time to search back. 

Thnx. 

[CinderElla97]

29 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Cinder, refresh my memory, why did you create this thread?  

I forgot and don't have time to search back. 

Thnx. 

Because of their arguing. It has been getting worse with the things they say to eachother and more frequent. I was looking to get some insight as to why they argued so much, as in..  how he let her get to him the way he does and how when they have argued so badly he can seem to just drop it and give in to her demands, such as her saying he needs to put more effort into them talking. The last arguement was the worst i have witnessed and after it he did things he swore he would never fo such as giving her his phone number which he has since december and did not want her to have because she texts and argues too much

[CinderElla97]

It wouldnt let me edit to add....

I wanted to see if maybe there was anything i could suggest to him to help try and stop the arguing. We even tried telling her we had broken up a few weeks back im hopes to calm her down and stop her from messaging and blaming me for everything but she saw through this and kept messaging both of us to ask for the truth, we tried to continue it on but she knew. It came out a few days ago as when the child got sick he hadn't replies to her as he had muted her messages so she messaged me asking me to get him to contact her. Obviously i did so then she knew we were together and started arguing with him. I sent him a message to look as if i had just messaged him to tell him but she saw through it all. He still denied it to her and then that is why it all kicked off with them the day my nan died she told him she knew we were together and that she knew he wouldn't take the children because of my nan and that she didn't care that they should have been his priority. He got mad and argued back to her and admitted the lie when he called her all those things. That is why their argument was so bad this time. 

He has tried all sorts to stop her keep texting and i was looking to see if maybe there was any other ways but i needed to understand why it kept happening first

[stillafool]

I think people here have given you their ideas as to why they argue so badly but you decline everyone's point.  Why do you think they argue so badly as we haven't a clue.