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Issues with the complicated relationship between boyfriend's ex and baby mama

CinderElla97

By CinderElla97
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Our community has shared a thread with @CinderElla97 from another participant that has many similarities to this thread. Please be mindful that while there's much to be learned from similar or identical experiences shared by others here, and it's great that we are able to help connect CinderElla97 with discussions that resonate with the experience she's sharing with us today, the poster has made it clear in this thread that she does not identify as the same individual and did not post the similar thread with a different account late last year.

For the purposes of our discussion here, please accept this gentle reminder to be respectful of the thread starter's position on the matter. We kindly ask that you refrain from insisting that the thread starter and the previous thread author are one in the same. Let's focus our energies instead on discussing the feedback in this and in similar threads that may be germane to CinderElla97's circumstances.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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I said "may" but ok...

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Just now, poppyfields said:

So what do you think the reasons are?

We've said our peace, which we all agree upon, he still has strong feelings for her.

Your turn, what do you think? 

 

 

Honestly? I don't know anymore. It hadn't really occurred to me until today that he might have some kind of feelings still but i dismissed it as me overthinking as he seems happy enough not speaking to her, ignores a lot of her messages and doesn't seem keen to spend time with her. But now after being on here i don't know as everyone seems to think otherwise

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

I said "may" but ok...

I don't follow? Sorry

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

I said "may" but ok...

Lol, okay he "may" still have feelings. 

I think he "does" still have feelings for reasons stated earlier.

However, no one is a mind reader, I was just curious what Cinder's thought process about it was. 

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mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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5 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I don't follow? Sorry

 

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

We've said our peace, which we all agree upon, he still has strong feelings for her.

 

I suggested he "may" still have feelings further back...

Edited by mark clemson
Just noting - crossed posts with Poppyfields
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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10 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Honestly? I don't know anymore. It hadn't really occurred to me until today that he might have some kind of feelings still but i dismissed it as me overthinking as he seems happy enough not speaking to her, ignores a lot of her messages and doesn't seem keen to spend time with her. But now after being on here i don't know as everyone seems to think otherwise

Would you ever consider asking him?  Not in a confrontational or accusatory way,  but simply talking with him about it, communicating? 

I would.  Don't be afraid to ask these hard questions, it's your heart. 

There is a way to ask in a non-accusatory way that fosters an open and honest dialogue.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Would you ever consider asking him?  Not in a confrontational or accusatory way,  but simply talking with him about it, communicating? 

I would.  Don't be afraid to ask these hard questions, there is a way to ask in a non-accusatory way that fosters an open and honest dialogue.

Regardless of whether he felt anything for her or not he would shut the conversation down before it even started. Anytime anyone asks anything he doesn't like or about his past that he doesn't want to share his answer is always the same.... that he doesn't really want to talk about it

Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

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So apart from being a liar and a cheater, your partner also lets his children down too? 
 

You’ve picked a right winner there Cinder. 
 

I agree with Poppy. The biggest issue here isn’t your partners ex. It’s your partner!  He’s probably loving the fact that he’s got 2 women devoted to him who he’s clearly playing off against each other. 
 

Cinder I feel for you but it may help you to actually take a step back and try and see it from his ex’s point of view. She’s the worst affected by this, reading between the lines. Not only has she been abandoned, betrayed, lied to and cheated on, she now has to deal with her children’s emotions as they’re being let down consistently by their father, whilst she raises the children on her own. He doesn’t have to deal with the day to day responsibility, she does! 
 

I can understand her fury, no one wants their children to be harmed. I’m also sensing that he doesn’t financially support the children  properly. Am I right? 
 

You’re very preoccupied with one piece of this complex puzzle rather than looking at the bigger picture. 
 

He’s manipulating you. He’s using the fact that he doesn’t respond to her texts Immediately as “evidence” that he doesn’t care about her. He’s trying to deflect your attention elsewhere, away from the truth which is absolutely smacking you in the face right now. 
 

You’re in denial which is why you can’t see what we can. 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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No he doesn't support them financially. She has never asked him too. Has always said she doesn't need him to. But then throws it in his face when they argue that he doesn't support them

preraph Established Member

preraph

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You just get the apps off the internet.  

 

Just because they're fighting doesn't stop people from having sex.  Not saying he is.  Just saying they talk a lot and get along some.  And a lot of exes still have sex some.  

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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21 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

No he doesn't support them financially. She has never asked him too. Has always said she doesn't need him to. But then throws it in his face when they argue that he doesn't support them

What are you getting out of this relationship Cinder and all this unnecessary drama between your bf and his ex? 

What's in it for "you"?  

Does your relationship enhance your life, bring you joy and happiness?  A sense of peace? 

Do you feel loved, cherished by this man? 

Please tell us some positive things.  It's clear you plan to stay so would like to walk away from this thread feeling happy for you and positive instead of what I'm feeling now which is a bit afraid for you.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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1 minute ago, preraph said:

You just get the apps off the internet.  

 

Just because they're fighting doesn't stop people from having sex.  Not saying he is.  Just saying they talk a lot and get along some.  And a lot of exes still have sex some.  

I get that but he has only been to her house once in the last about 5 or 6 months and he was only there a couple of hours and was texting me while he was there. I dropped him off and picked him up

preraph Established Member

preraph

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So how are they exchanging the kids?  

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Just now, poppyfields said:

What are you getting out of this relationship Cinder and all this unnecessary drama between your bf and his ex? 

What's in it for "you"?  

Does your relationship enhance your life, bring you joy and happiness?  A sense of peace? 

Do you feel love, cherished by this man? 

Please tell us some positive things.  It's clear you plan to stay so would like to walk away from this thread feeling happy for you and positive instead of what I'm feeling now which is a bit afraid for you.

He does make me very happy. He treats me really well and he makes it clear it is me he loves and wants to be with

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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3 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

I get that but he has only been to her house once in the last about 5 or 6 months and he was only there a couple of hours and was texting me while he was there. I dropped him off and picked him up

Oh man this isn't good either.  Why did he feel it necessary to text you while there? 

To cover his a**?  Or the appearance of impropriety? 

That's how it looks to me, sorry. 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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2 minutes ago, preraph said:

So how are they exchanging the kids?  

They aren't. He only really sees them with her. They take them out together. Or atleast they did. They haven't for some time as like i said there was arguments and blockimg and them just when they started talking again and getting him seeing the children we went into lockdown. He only had one of the children that one day amd he went with his mate to pick her up and then came home and switched into my car to go out. Then took her home with his mate.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Oh man this isn't good either.  Why did he feel it necessary to text you while there? 

To cover his a**?  Or the appearance of impropriety? 

That's how it looks to me, sorry. 

He has always text me when he is with her. Or anyone else for that matter. If we aren't together we are usually texting

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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12 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

He has always text me when he is with her. Or anyone else for that matter. If we aren't together we are usually texting

I see, okay I feel good walking away from this thread now. 

Good luck and take care.  Stay safe. 

LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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How long have you two been together, op? And soon after meeting did you two move in together?

two things I’m noticing are:

The intensity of their arguing. There are definitely feelings left over on both ends that results in this kind of arguing  it takes a while to reach indifference. When that happens, the arguments subside as does the intensity. So yes, he wouldn’t even be arguing with her as he does now if he was truly over their relationship. 
 

and finding out that he was still with her when you two got together. Ouch! Naturally, she feels a lot of resentment towards you. But that blame falls on his shoulders.

It sounds as if their relationship ended very suddenly and he picked it up right with you. The problem with this is since he had no time to process his feelings and the demise of their relationship, he’s carrying over many facets of their relationship into your own. And I’m sure she is still reeling from it, as she’s shown.

what does all this mean? It means you were plunked down at the beginning of the end of their relationship. Not the end. And I know afraid there is going to be these constant struggles within. If he wants to move on from her and reach indifference, the only thing that will accomplish that is time.  The question is, are you willing to wait around for that?

 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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8 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

How long have you two been together, op? And soon after meeting did you two move in together?

two things I’m noticing are:

The intensity of their arguing. There are definitely feelings left over on both ends that results in this kind of arguing  it takes a while to reach indifference. When that happens, the arguments subside as does the intensity. So yes, he wouldn’t even be arguing with her as he does now if he was truly over their relationship. 
 

and finding out that he was still with her when you two got together. Ouch! Naturally, she feels a lot of resentment towards you. But that blame falls on his shoulders.

It sounds as if their relationship ended very suddenly and he picked it up right with you. The problem with this is since he had no time to process his feelings and the demise of their relationship, he’s carrying over many facets of their relationship into your own. And I’m sure she is still reeling from it, as she’s shown.

what does all this mean? It means you were plunked down at the beginning of the end of their relationship. Not the end. And I know afraid there is going to be these constant struggles within. If he wants to move on from her and reach indifference, the only thing that will accomplish that is time.  The question is, are you willing to wait around for that?

 

We have been officially together just over 7 months we were talking and sleeping together for a little while before that. I have been living at his for around 4 months. I was spending most nights there anyway so we decided i might aswell stay properly

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LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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1 minute ago, CinderElla97 said:

We have been together just over 7 months. I have been living at his for around 4 months. I was spending most nights there anyway so we decided i might aswell stay properly

Wow. No wonder there are so many issues. If this can work, it’s going to take a long time. And I fear you were an exit affair for him. When beginning a proper relationship with someone, there cannot be any leftovers from the previous relationship. He jumped right in with you and is bringing all the baggage, emotions and love and hate from his previous relationship. 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Just now, LynneVicious said:

Wow. No wonder there are so many issues. If this can work, it’s going to take a long time. And I fear you were an exit affair for him. When beginning a proper relationship with someone, there cannot be any leftovers from the previous relationship. He jumped right in with you and is bringing all the baggage, emotions and love and hate from his previous relationship. 

Exit affair? She had told me the reason he gave for the break up was that he had stopped loving her and had done some time ago. Although the texts she showed me of his telling her how in love with her he was were from only a week before she says they broke up. She also said she asked him if there was someone else and he said no. Which obviously we know to be a lie

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LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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2 minutes ago, CinderElla97 said:

Exit affair? She had told me the reason he gave for the break up was that he had stopped loving her and had done some time ago. Although the texts she showed me of his telling her how in love with her he was were from only a week before she says they broke up. She also said she asked him if there was someone else and he said no. Which obviously we know to be a lie

If you want my honest opinion, and with the proof she gave you, he started seeing you while still in a relationship with her. He got caught, claimed that he hasn’t loved her for some time (even though she has texts to prove that’s a lie), and they clearly broke up. He continued his relationship with you. 
 

now, did he really want out of the relationship with her and you came along at the right time and right place? Or did he begin a relationship with you to help him end the relationship with her (exit affair)

Either way, both of them are crap. And of course she has a lot of anger towards him and animosity towards you. It’s only been 7 months and she’s been betrayed. Coupled with that, he lied about his feelings to her both to her and to you. 
 

Like I mentioned, it’s going to take a long time for them to settle into an indifferent relationship yet co-parent successfully. If it were me, I would bounce. Too much drama and there is nothing tying you to him and it’s only been 7 months. But that’s me. You just need to understand the mechanics of why this is happening. 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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17 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

If you want my honest opinion, and with the proof she gave you, he started seeing you while still in a relationship with her. He got caught, claimed that he hasn’t loved her for some time (even though she has texts to prove that’s a lie), and they clearly broke up. He continued his relationship with you. 
 

now, did he really want out of the relationship with her and you came along at the right time and right place? Or did he begin a relationship with you to help him end the relationship with her (exit affair)

Either way, both of them are crap. And of course she has a lot of anger towards him and animosity towards you. It’s only been 7 months and she’s been betrayed. Coupled with that, he lied about his feelings to her both to her and to you. 
 

Like I mentioned, it’s going to take a long time for them to settle into an indifferent relationship yet co-parent successfully. If it were me, I would bounce. Too much drama and there is nothing tying you to him and it’s only been 7 months. But that’s me. You just need to understand the mechanics of why this is happening. 

Is it not possible that he did love her but then once we met and started getting to know eachother his feelings towards her changed as they grew stronger for me and he left her to be with me?

JTSW Established Member

JTSW

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How many children does he have?

What are their ages?

What does he do for a living? (What's his job?)

Are you younger than him?

Do you work together?

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