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Issues with the complicated relationship between boyfriend's ex and baby mama

CinderElla97

By CinderElla97
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Our community has shared a thread with @CinderElla97 from another participant that has many similarities to this thread. Please be mindful that while there's much to be learned from similar or identical experiences shared by others here, and it's great that we are able to help connect CinderElla97 with discussions that resonate with the experience she's sharing with us today, the poster has made it clear in this thread that she does not identify as the same individual and did not post the similar thread with a different account late last year.

For the purposes of our discussion here, please accept this gentle reminder to be respectful of the thread starter's position on the matter. We kindly ask that you refrain from insisting that the thread starter and the previous thread author are one in the same. Let's focus our energies instead on discussing the feedback in this and in similar threads that may be germane to CinderElla97's circumstances.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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GeorgiaPeach1 Established Member

GeorgiaPeach1

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Some men love the idea of two women fighting over them. Are you sure he's not in the middle stirring the pot?

You're participating in the drama by blocking and unblocking her, arguing with her, etc. 

 

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

Today i have had her messaging me all day. I unblocked her as i wanted to see something. We argued at first. Them she started sayin things about him being a liar and how he acts completely different in person when he is with her and i am not there. I said i didnt believe her and if it was true to bring me proof since she seems so ready to privide what she calls proof of everything else. 

She was trying to say to me pretty much the things that have been said on here about him having no moral integrity and why would i want to be with someone like that. How i don't even know the real him only what he wants me to see. 

Generally seeming like shes out to cause trouble. She says we argue because he has made her out to be the crazy jealous ex.which to be honest is how she comes across. 

That he doesnt want us talking incase she tells me the truth about things. 

 

He didnt argue with her in all this time though, he ignored her and blocked her and told me to do the same. 

So surely that shows he doesnt feel anything for her anymore?

Of course he acts differently with her in person.  I'm sure there is a lot of truth to what she says.  

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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Posted

I went back and looked at your other post regarding this ex. What. A. Mess. Why do you find the need to resume this issue when you've had 10 pages of the previous thread of attention, advice, and commentary? 

You have a very very dysfunctional relationship. I'm not talking about your bf's ex. 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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He has told her unblocked her tonight to try and video call the children at bed time. She has refused to let him and told him to leave her alone. Again there has been no argument other than she keeps repeating herself saying that he is only trying so hard so he can prove a point because for once she has said no. 

I have been speaking to them both all day and got him to agree to video call her every night to say goodnight to the children. She refused to make arrangements with me saying he doesn't stick to them but that if he calls she would not stop him. But then stopped him. That is surely just to provoke a reaction and an argument?

All she has been saying is about him proving a point and to leave her alone as she has had enough. That hes a bad dad and never normally interested. And she is tired of him. Hes still kept trying but she is just refusing. 

She just plays games all the time to try and cause trouble. I do believe that it is just that she knows how to get a rise out of him

 

LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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4 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

He has told her unblocked her tonight to try and video call the children at bed time. She has refused to let him and told him to leave her alone. Again there has been no argument other than she keeps repeating herself saying that he is only trying so hard so he can prove a point because for once she h

I have been speaking to them both all day and got him to agree to video call her every night to say goodnight to the children. She refused to make arrangements with me saying he doesn't stick to them but that if he calls she would not stop him. But then stopped him. That is surely just to provoke a reaction and an argument?

All she has been saying is about him proving a point and to leave her alone as she has had enough. That hes a bad dad and never normally interested. And she is tired of him. Hes still kept trying but she is just refusing. 

She just plays games all the time to try and cause trouble. I do believe that it is just that she knows how to get a rise out of him

 

There is zero reason for you to be involved in their parenting or lack thereof.  The only thing you can suggest to your boyfriend is to to call a lawyer/solicitor and set up visitation and child support, so she can’t interfere. Other than that, you’re only making things worse by getting involved. 
 

Not your kids. Not your problem.

a lot of drama, no?

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JTSW Established Member

JTSW

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Posted
On 5/1/2020 at 6:41 PM, CinderElla97 said:

So surely that shows he doesnt feel anything for her anymore?

It doesn't show anything.

Just that hes not going to talk to her in front of her.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
On 5/1/2020 at 3:40 PM, CinderElla97 said:

I have been speaking to them both all day and got him to agree to video call her every night to say goodnight to the children. She refused to make arrangements with me saying he doesn't stick to them but that if he calls she would not stop him. But then stopped him. That is surely just to provoke a reaction and an argument?

I'm sorry Dear but this is none of your business and you should not be involved when it comes to them and their children.  You aren't even the kids stepmom.  You need to back off and let them handle their arguments, child support and custody arrangement.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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10 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry Dear but this is none of your business and you should not be involved when it comes to them and their children.  You aren't even the kids stepmom.  You need to back off and let them handle their arguments, child support and custody arrangement.

I know it is not my place but i was trying to help and show that i am not the problem like she thinks i am. She says i encourage him to make me a priority and doesn't believe that i don't so i try and help. She has a go if i don't help but then she also does if i do help, saying it is not my place. 

As i say,  i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't. She seems to have taken a break from giving me abuse and now just tells me all the reasons she thinks as to why i shouldn't be with him. Ie... he lies, cheats, doesn't pay, ignores the children etc etc. She is obviously trying a new tactic. She says she does not want him in anyway but clearly she does or she wouldn't keep giving me abuse about it being becasue of me that he doesn't see the children

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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And they haven't spoken since friday night when she told him to leave her alone. She messaged me yesterday morning to explain why she had said he could not video call that night because she said he would tell me a different story but she has not messaged him at all. He messaged her through social media last night to ask about video calling but his message never delivered. I have seen her online though so she must have somehow blocked his messages.

I feel like this is just another game she is playing and that none of this is ever going to end

balletomane Established Member

balletomane

Posted
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OP, to be blunt, it seems as if you are very absorbed and invested in this 'game' yourself. You've made multiple long threads on this issue in which you ask the same questions and go in the same circles, without taking any advice on board. When your last thread went two hours with no one posting in it (not a very long time at all!), you worried that people were boycotting it, which suggests to me that if you're not embroiled in heated discussions with your bf and his ex, you want to be constantly thinking and talking about them with other people.

Some people quite enjoy being in chaotic relationships and the drama that ensues. I think this is how it is for you. The 'game' isn't ending because you choose to keep playing.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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4 minutes ago, balletomane said:

OP, to be blunt, it seems as if you are very absorbed and invested in this 'game' yourself. You've made multiple long threads on this issue in which you ask the same questions and go in the same circles, without taking any advice on board. When your last thread went two hours with no one posting in it (not a very long time at all!), you worried that people were boycotting it, which suggests to me that if you're not embroiled in heated discussions with your bf and his ex, you want to be constantly thinking and talking about them with other people.

Some people quite enjoy being in chaotic relationships and the drama that ensues. I think this is how it is for you. The 'game' isn't ending because you choose to keep playing.

I am sure it was a lot more that 2 hours.

But anyway....

Im not playing any kind of game. I have confronted him about the sex talk and we have spoken about it and he had admitted he knows he should not have done it. We argued, i cried, we talked it out. I know he has lied about some things but we have talked about it all.

She knows this, so tells me he is still lying to me and she has more proof. That there are worse texts she didn't show me and that if there is anything he says that i want to check i can ask her and she will find proof he's lying. Just as she has said if i question anything she says she will show me proof it is the truth. 

I mean... yes, so far she has been able to back up everything she has said whether it is something she has come out with or sonething i have said which she says is untrue. But i believe texts can sometimes be taken out of context and if she is only showing me parts of conversations there could be more to it.

While i do believe her on some level, i also believe she will stop at nothing to split us up

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Block her. 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Block her. 

I want to.  But at the same time i am also interested in what she has to say. And when i told her that he wanted me to block her this was her response....

"If you wanna block me, go for it. I dont really care. Ive told you what i wanted. And ive tried my best to help you see him for who he really is but if you refuse to theres nothing more i can say. 

I do think you should wonder why he wants you to block me though, like why he doesnt want you talking to me. Its because he knows you will find out the truth cos he knows i will tell it as it is. Yes i can be blunt but i am honest and will only tell you things i know for 100% i can prove"

Edited by CinderElla97
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Don't block her, block him.
That is what you really need to do.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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If you won't block her, you can't really complain about her trying to meddle. 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, CinderElla97 said:

I want to.  But at the same time i am also interested in what she has to say. And when i told her that he wanted me to block her this was her response....

"If you wanna block me, go for it. I dont really care. Ive told you what i wanted. And ive tried my best to help you see him for who he really is but if you refuse to theres nothing more i can say. 

I do think you should wonder why he wants you to block me though, like why he doesnt want you talking to me. Its because he knows you will find out the truth cos he knows i will tell it as it is. Yes i can be blunt but i am honest and will only tell you things i know for 100% i can prove"

I would not be so quick to dismiss her words Cinder.

You already know he's lied to you about the sexting, he admitted it, that alone would have me GONE.  So you know there must be at least some truth to her words.

Combined with his other lies, what a deadbeat dad he is, and all the other nonsense happening, I am at a total loss what keeps you there.

I mean absolutely no disrespect to you, I was 23 once too and very naive, but sweetie, the good lord or the Universe, whatever your belief, blessed us with intuition and common sense.

You've already tapped into your intuition about feeling something is very off, otherwise all these threads wouldn't exist.

All you need to do now is TRUST your intuition, utilize common sense about ALL that is happening and protect your heart.  

Your boyfriend certainly isn't, so it's on you.

If me, I wouldnt trust him as far as I could throw him, but you have to do you and make your own decision. 

I hope you will make the right decision and leave this loser.

Best of luck and as always, stay safe. 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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6 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

I know it is not my place but i was trying to help and show that i am not the problem like she thinks i am. She says i encourage him to make me a priority and doesn't believe that i don't so i try and help. She has a go if i don't help but then she also does if i do help, saying it is not my place. 

 

It is not your job to help and show her anything.  Tell her to stop texting you because you don't want to be involved.  Also thank her for the info on your bf but that is none of her business just like what happens between her, him and the kids is none of yours.  Therefore you are out of it.  You admit you want to hear from her so you know what is going on between them.  You do not want to get out of their business because you are insecure about them.  You need to back away or break up with him if you don't trust him.

JTSW Established Member

JTSW

Posted
Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

I know it is not my place but i was trying to help and show that i am not the problem like she thinks i am. She says i encourage him to make me a priority and doesn't believe that i don't so i try and help. She has a go if i don't help but then she also does if i do help, saying it is not my place. 

As i say,  i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't. She seems to have taken a break from giving me abuse and now just tells me all the reasons she thinks as to why i shouldn't be with him. Ie... he lies, cheats, doesn't pay, ignores the children etc etc. She is obviously trying a new tactic. She says she does not want him in anyway but clearly she does or she wouldn't keep giving me abuse about it being becasue of me that he doesn't see the children

Know this, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help.

Do not get involved in something that is nothing to do with you.

You are the other woman, the one he had an affair with behind her back. Of course she is going to see you as responsible because you are half responsible for breaking up their family.

What she said about him lying and cheating and not paying is not a tactic. It's the truth. 

He lies and cheats. He doesn't stand up to his responsibilities. 

How long do you think its gonna be before he cheats on you? Won't be long I assure you.

You are seriously naive. 

Wake up. He is a loser. A waste of space who doesn't take responsibility for his own children. 

YOU WILL END UP THE ONE HURT IN ALL THIS.

Edited by JTSW
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JTSW Established Member

JTSW

Posted
Posted (edited)
15 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

But at the same time i am also interested in what she has to say. 

And you really should learn to listen to her. 

She sounds like she has a more mature and sensible mind than you.

 

15 hours ago, CinderElla97 said:

If you wanna block me, go for it. I dont really care. Ive told you what i wanted. And ive tried my best to help you see him for who he really is but if you refuse to theres nothing more i can say. 

For god sake listen to her about him. 

 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I would not be so quick to dismiss her words Cinder.

You already know he's lied to you about the sexting, he admitted it, that alone would have me GONE.  So you know there must be at least some truth to her words.

Combined with his other lies, what a deadbeat dad he is, and all the other nonsense happening, I am at a total loss what keeps you there.

I mean absolutely no disrespect to you, I was 23 once too and very naive, but sweetie, the good lord or the Universe, whatever your belief, blessed us with intuition and common sense.

You've already tapped into your intuition about feeling something is very off, otherwise all these threads wouldn't exist.

All you need to do now is TRUST your intuition, utilize common sense about ALL that is happening and protect your heart.  

Your boyfriend certainly isn't, so it's on you.

If me, I wouldnt trust him as far as I could throw him, but you have to do you and make your own decision. 

I hope you will make the right decision and leave this loser.

Best of luck and as always, stay safe. 

 

He had to admit it, she showed me the texts. He couldn't deny it. But we spoke about it, he told me it was her always leading the conversation and i can kind of see that from some of the messages. She does seem like she has been very pushy with him, trying to get him talking about sex, and to add her on social media and things like that. She appears to have no shame.

They still have not spoken as his message still had not delivered through social media and he has said as she has obviously blocked him on there that there is no point texting her through her number or whatsapp or anything because she wont answer anyway and if she does it will just be to argue so after i thought we were making some kind of headway she seems to have just told him to leave her alone and disappeared. Which is good in a way but i do believe he should be seeing the children and now she is the one to be stopping him

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

Cinder, if you are going to continue to blame his ex, and see your bf as some sort of helpless victim to her vicious machinations, no one can help you.

Unfortunately, like most of us who didn't have the benefit of wonderful message forums such as LS, you will have to learn the hard way, but there is no question, you are going to get hurt.

I find it sad (and painful) you're unable to see it, or even consider the possibility, jumping to his defense the way you do.

When anyone with two brain cells to rub together can clearly see what a complete POS he is.  To his ex, to you, to his kids!  Cheater, liar, deadbeat.

But it's your life.  Take care.

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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Anyway.... i have had her show me screenshots of their conversation from tonight. She has told him not to contact her in anyway and said many other things including telling him many of the things she believes he has lied about and how he is disrespectful not only to her but also to me. She has told him she knows how much he lies to me. She was quite nasty to him to be honest telling him that one of the children has said that they do not like him anymore.  And that he is immature and selfish and not fit to be a father. She was really mad at him about me talking and making arrangements for him to call the children. She said that when i wake up and see who he really is he will be left with nothing.

 

She sent the messages to me saying she was showing me incase he hadn't so as to let me see the full story.

I replied saying that i was sorry for stepping on her toes.

To which she replied saying that she wasnt going to lie and say i hadnt but that she qad more pissed at him for leaving me to do it.

And that all she wants is to help me as she knows the real him and she thinks that i dont.

She then said when i am ready to see him for what he is that she will help me.

I want to see all the things she says as in some ways she seems genuine but i still do not believe that it is not all an act from her just to try and come between us

 

balletomane Established Member

balletomane

Posted
Posted (edited)

I was strongly reminded of this thread. Identical writing style, almost identical story (including the unusual detail of the ex's child being hospitalized), identical way of reacting to people's advice and comments.

OP, if you aren't the author of this other thread, the situation is do eerily similar to yours that reading it could be helpful to you. People can often recognise a situation as unhealthy when they're not the one embroiled in it.

 

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CinderElla97 Established Member

CinderElla97

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8 minutes ago, balletomane said:

I was strongly reminded of this thread. Identical writing style, almost identical story (including the unusual detail of the ex's child being hospitalized), identical way of reacting to people's advice and comments.

OP, if you aren't the author of this other thread, the situation is do eerily similar to yours that reading it could be helpful to you. People can often recognise a situation as unhealthy when they're not the one embroiled in it.

 

His child was not hospitalised. She wanted him to have the older chdren so as she could take the youngest to be looked at. The child turned out to be fine.

And also this post says october last year. This happened during the lockdown as that was why he refused to have them. Well it was part of the reason anyway

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 5/3/2020 at 5:40 PM, CinderElla97 said:

His child was not hospitalised. She wanted him to have the older chdren so as she could take the youngest to be looked at. The child turned out to be fine.

And also this post says october last year. This happened during the lockdown as that was why he refused to have them. Well it was part of the reason anyway

I am really concerned for you.

I don't say this to be disrespectful I promise, but I'm wondering if you have ever considered therapy to sort through all your emotions? 

It's helped me a lot!

Just a suggestion.  

 

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