Having a sad day.

[georgiagirl76]

Art and all usual suspects. I haven't posted in a few days and just wanted to reach out. I am sad today for the first time in about 2 weeks. I think it may be normal to still have a down day one month after the break up.

 

It takes time. I know. I think that I am getting better because the time in between the sad days is getting longer. I have been spending time with friends and I know that every person heals at a different rate.

 

He did email me offering to go meet me at the park Monday with the dogs because he has the day off (Columbus Day I think) I sent him a reply thanking him but that I had to work that day. I am sure there are some of you who think it was a bad idea to reply to him.

 

I just wanted to check in and give a little update. Hope all is well with all of you- and as usual I welcome any type of comments, advice, support and as always even criticism.

[heartnsoul]

I'm sorry you're having a down day. It seems to be the mood for the day for many here on LS.

 

I think overall you're handling this whole situation rather well. I'm just nearning month 3 and only recently realized that I'm making significant progress in letting go. It's tough. You share a connection with someone and for whatever reasons you have to let go (against your will) you're expected to feel sad from time to time. It's absolutely normal.

 

I think the fact that he's trying to take responsibility for any hurt feelings he may've projected onto you from his ultimate decision are only human. However, I think you know what you need to do. You are by no means ready for a 'friendship' with him. Maybe you ought to relay that fact to him and ask for the space and time you deserve.

 

In the mean time....we're all here for you. We've all been there and for some are still there. It's definitely hard to let go of something that you held near and dear to your heart.

 

Don't know if you're a movie watcher but I'd like to suggest a very cute and somewhat realistic movie regarding a break down of a seemingly good relationship (with a slight twist)......'Love & Sex' with John Favreau.

[georgiagirl76]

Thanks! I will try to find it. I haven't heard of it. Is it an Indy film? I watched Bridget Jone's Diary last night and felt very good. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. I suppose it is somewhat why I was bothered about being sad today. But again it is cyclical. Thanks for your support.

 

Yeah, I do believe he was testing the waters- but isn't ready for more than friendship-therefore as you stated it isn't healthy for me to have contact with him. It will lead me to being hurt again.

[heartnsoul]

http://www.love-sessions.com/relationship_break.htm

 

I stumbled accross this site a couple months ago when I was trying to make sense of the 'break' that was sprung on me. Don't know if it'll help you at all but it had some pretty valuable facts regarding 'breaks' in relationships.

 

I don't know that this movie was ever in theaters. It may very well be an independent film. I'm a huge fan of Jon Favreau! So, I tend to watch anything of his. It'll definitely bring out a few emotions. Give it a shot!

[slubberdegullion]

GG;

 

Maybe it's something in the water, or the time of year, or the positions of the stars (j/k), but I awoke this morning feeling the same way. Between a restless, haunted sleep, aching bones and a general feeling of grey malaise, it's a "down" day here too.

 

But the sun will rise tomorrow, and all will look better. Right?

[georgiagirl76]

Thanks and I am sorry that you are having a down day. I know that communicating with him right now is not a good idea. Although I don't regret replying to his second im attempt. I was able to say some things that I wanted to say. However, as predicted I am sure it also set me back somewhat as well.

 

I am smart enough to know that some contact doesn't mean "I miss you, I love you, I want you back." I also admit that it made me feel good that he suggested getting together in the im and in the email. However, it isn't a healthy thing- and I am in control of what I let in my life. I am going back to no contact- that includes not responding to his contact. If he really wants to see me and has something to say that will actually be of importance- he will find me.

 

I know that he most likely didn't expect for me to give him the space and he most likely became curious after 3 weeks which is why he initiated contact. That is all I am going to allow myself to read into it now and I am going to force myself to move on. I changed my im name on AIM so to avoid him. I am not ready to totally stop thinking about him but I know that day will come.

[JS17]

Sorry you're feeling down today GG. I don't think you really need advice, you know what to do so here's a *HUG*

[georgiagirl76]

JS17

Thanks so much. I wish I was as strong as some people and able to just put any thought of one day getting back together out of mind. I know it is a process and I have embraced it. I am not in denial anymore but I do feel strange today- almost in a haze- like wow- he really isn't out of town or whatever. He really did leave.

 

I am hanging in there- thanks again.

[JS17]

You'll get to the point where the back and forth behavior just annoys the crap out of you and you'll realize he isn't worth the unnecessary drama it causes in your life. Everyone has a different threshold but you will hit that point. And one of you is bound to move on to someone else and that will be enough for you to realize that you don't want him anymore or you can't have him anymore.

 

I've been having a lot of sad days myself, more likely to do with the fact that I'm dealing with some big things while being alone. I realize that I don't miss him, I miss having someone. I think you'll hit that point too.

 

It's never easy but you'll get through it.

[helena abadi]

i agree, the back and forth drama gets really tiring and the drama really takes its toll on all aspects of your life.

 

georgiagirl76, you are doing the best thing by deciding to have No Contact. i think it is entirely normal to have sad days off and on for quite a while.

 

there are few things in life as emotionally intense as relationships, and few things as gut-wrenching as breaking up. breaking up is a decision, but recovery is a process. there are bound to be glitches along the way.

 

hang in there, you sound as tho generally you are doing just fine.

[Art_Critic]

Hey GG.. Hope you doing better today..

I think your doing fine..you are right.. The little fishing email doesn't mean anything other than he was checking to see if you are still on his hook.

 

Keep your chin up..

 

Art

[jc]

Hey Georgiagirl,

 

I'm also having a sad day today (and yesterday as well). Plus I talked to him yesterday when he called so I feel even worse.

 

Most days I am strong, but when these down days hit, they make me wonder if I'll ever get over him.

 

You've been doing so well and you've been so strong, just keep doing what you're doing

[bendit]

Let me be the lone dissenter and suggest that you ARE still hanging on and your answers are pretty instructive. You didn't tell him not to contact you, you told him you couldn't go, I guess leaving open the idea that you could do it another day?

 

GG. What ARE your goals here? I know you are hopeful but it is awfully confusing about what your GOAL out of all this is?

 

Hear is a tip. GOing NC is also the best way to get your guy BACK. It seriously is. Its been proven that if you go silent, it makes them NOTICE that you aren't there and start to miss you. So by continuing what your doing, you are actually preventing him from missing you but also preventing your own healing. Going NC will produce sad days too but I can't help but think your sadness is related to this netherworld you are in because you so are dependent on what he wants to do. And this guy is an AVOIDER. He will never get DEFINITVE for you and let you go becasue you in fact serve a purpose for him. Its 100% ambiguity with him I bet.

 

Hope you feel better. NC gets better each and every day. I am on day 41.

 

regards

 

Mike

[georgiagirl76]

Mike

I do take your words to heart. I never stated that I wasn't confused. My feelings changed from week to week. When he first proposed space with the possibility of getting together to talk after some time had passed- I truly hung on to the idea of reconciliation. I decided not to initiate contact nor was I going to respond to his contact for a couple of weeks. I made it to the 3 week mark deciding that I didn't want to get back together until I had taken some more time to heal and work through some things.

 

It took a couple of weeks passing for me to realize that space can be used to benefit both people. I knew that there was no guarantee of reuniting thus I wanted to do some soul searching and self-renewing. Therefore, when he imed me the first time I did not respond. I didn't feel like I was strong enough or clear on what I wanted and what would be healthy. Although I didn't have any idea as to why he was initiating contact I wanted to avoid talking to him just in case reconciliation was on his mind.

 

I at all times valued our relationship as a whole and knew that if it was going to ever work that I needed to heal and also grow from the separation. After a few days weeksI determined that I did want to work on us if given the chance but I wanted to take things extremely slow as if we were starting out again. I wanted to casually communicate and possible see each other on a casual basis. I didn't want to rush into anything if given the chance. When he suggested we meet in the park the first time, I had not yet reached this conclusion and therefore told him it wasn't a good idea.

 

However, after I came to this conclusion and he emailed me with the idea again I turned him down for work reasons. I had to work today. Yes, I am a partner at my lawfirm and could have taken the day off but I wasn't planning on it and I had clients to see today. It wasn't convenient for me and I didn't want to make the mistake of dropping my plans to see him and get into another emotional state of vulnerability (not more than I already was anyway). I simply replied thanking him for the offer but that I did have to work today and maybe another time would be good.

 

As more time passes I realize that holding onto an idea of reconciliation becomes more foolish. Since the reply to the email Thursday of last week- I have not recieved nor initiated any more contact.

This has not been an attempt to shirk responsibility for my emotions or lay blame on him for my sadness. I understand that I have put myself out there.

 

I just thought that maybe this would help you understand the varying posts since my break up. I have changed my mind several times about things and I most likely post each time this occurs.

 

As to your comment about using NC to get the person back- I understand the theory and why it works but I guess the question always seems to be- when do you reply. When people do try no contact in this way and the ex attempts to get in touch with them- if they respond- it is seemed frowned upon. I am not saying that I am using NC for this purpose= I am just aware that it sometimes has this effect. When he suggested meeting after not hearing from me for 3 1/2 weeks I admit a part of me thought that possibly that was what had happened. However, I am not delusional about it now. Mike if you have any other suggestions or comments feel free to post. I hope this helps with some of the perceived confusion.

 

I was not an never have attempted to sound as if I have it more together than I do (this is a circular thing for me and I feel many emotions at different times. ) Take Care All

[bendit]

gg, I respect the emotions you feel at the point of a break up. I never meant to accuse you of trying to appear stronger than you are. That came out wrong.

 

I was on an emotional roller coaster in the early days so I really get that. And I think I am understanding your strategy here now. It seems to me that you still have the door open. Ok lets get that out there and ADMIT it. If you hear the right words you are open to going back. Right? Wrong? Close? So this accounts for the ambiguity about NC.

 

Lets fantasize for a second. How would you want your lover to get you back? Do you want him to "email" or IM you and say hey lets meet and talk? Or do you want to lock him down and make him WORK to find you? Make him have to hunt you down like they did back 1000 years ago? Make him be a man and work and come and seek you out and knock on your door and come in and get down on one knee and say I WANT TO MAKE A LIFE WITH YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW...?

 

Now see the distinction? He COULD do that you know. Men hunt and they are good at it and they will find and get what they want. They will capture what they want and thow the prize over their shoulder and carry it back to the tent and enjoy the spoils.

 

But see, you want to make it easy for him to find you. You want to be available. You don't want to NOT be there when he happens to get that magical feeling when the stars align and goes to all that trouble to IM you or email you.

 

So, my advice is do a LOCK DOWN. For you and for HIM. He will seek you out like a sidewinder missile hunts down an enemy jet if he wants you. But right now, he doesn't know if he wants you or if he wants OTHER WOMEN. Too blunt? Its not because that's what he is actually saying here. By not being with you he is saying that there is someone else out there BETTER.

 

So that's my advice. Because he will find you if he really wants to. Like Last of the Mohicans with Daniel Day Lewis. That's the kind of man you should want to come and get you when you are about to be thrown off a cliff. HE FOUND HER.

 

MAKE HIM WORK for you if you still want him. And the byproduct of doing that is you are going to start to really move on and get out of this netherworld that he has you in.

 

always best of luck to you. I am rooting for you!

 

regards

 

Mike

[georgiagirl76]

Mike

Again thanks for the thoughtful post. I always appreciate people who take the time out of their pain or their busy lives to share/teach others. I understand now and I think that it is the right strategy to handle the grief and possibly inspire him.

 

I am not ready to just take him back though. For the first time in a break up that isn't what would make me feel better- the knock on the door, the I'm sorry and then great sex (leading us to forget the pain and how we ended up breaking up in the first place.)

 

Seriously, the longer the space goes on the more I would want things to start slowly if they were going to start again. I would want to rebuild trust (not that there were trust issues per se- but as you can understand when someone walks out and stops working on the relationship trust is broken.)

 

I started this weekend logging online to my instant messenger in invisible mode. I have told my friends to just im me to see if I am on. I decided to remain off because if I am still on his list (which I am guessing I am) then he can't keep tabs on me or feel that I am there. I know this may seem like a small thing- but adding it to no phone calls, or emails I think it sends a message.

 

I also know that I have to keep working on me in the event that he never comes back. I am trying to be honest with myself and on this post so that I get the best advice/support out there.

 

Please don't apologize for anything- I take your words to heart even if they aren't praising words. Keep them coming and I hope you have a great night.