Raja22 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Long Story- I have been dating this guy since high school. I was 14 and he was 16. He came from a not so "normal" household. Mother is very controliing and possesive(Still IS). We lived happily for about 5-6 years. At this time my man moved away to go to school. He met another woman. We continued to date until his mother insisted that he leave college to come back home. Out of anger my boufriend joined the marine core so that he could leave home. Being so naive his mother told him that she would always have control of his life until he got married. So he asked me I said no I wasn't ready so he married the other woman he met in college. We stopped seeing each other for awhile until we both realized that we couldn't stay away from each other. He in turn was ready to divorce his wife. She begged hin to stay with her until she finished the master's program in college. She then got pregnant. They now have a two year old daughter. She honestly can't survive without him. He pays the bills but he doesn't live with her. He lives on the military base. We have now been having this affair since he got married. The wife is well awair of me the other woman who has been in the picture since she met him. Now I am six months pregnant. I filed for child support because I am tired of living a lie and living a secret life. I was there first and I feel like things should be out in the open. My child should come first in all of this! Even if that means that the secret is out! I am still really in love with this man. What do you think is going to happen when his wife finds out that he has another child on the way? Please Help Dazed and Confused
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I feel for you on this, but he married someone else. I know it's painful and you say you knew him first...But, you didn't marry him. He was wrong to get married to someone he didn't love, he's paying the consquence now...But he has a daughter with this woman and they do have a life together. As much as you want him, and him to be a part of your life, your baby's life, she will freak out when she finds out. He should have stood up to his mother many years ago, that was his first mistake. He shouldn't have gotten married, he sounds too young and immature to do that. He shouldn't have continued a romance with you after marrying someone else. I don't know what else to say except yes, your child should come first! But, your child may not come first to him as he has a wife and a child already. Sorry to sound harsh. Does he love you? Because it sounds to me like he is having his cake and eating it too. He isn't honest and he's lying to both you and his wife. That's not right! And as much as it will hurt you, the best thing you can do for you is end it with him. You don't want to be the OW forever. Your baby deserves a father figure who will love him/her and put them first.
newbby Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 can he not still pay the bills and be honest with her?
mopar crazy Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I don't know what else to say except yes, your child should come first! But, your child may not come first to him as he has a wife and a child already. Sorry to sound harsh. . WWIU, I agree w/ you on your reply but this one. I don't feel the OP child should come first w/ him b/c he is M to his W and they have a family 2gether. Yes, he needs to be responsible for his child w/ the OP, but his child w/ his W should always come first. I know that sounds harsh and it's JMO. If my H had a child w/ the exOW I know he would put our children first. I am sure he would of been part of that child's life through child support and visitations but he would put our children first. We conceived our children out of love, not lust. I am just so thankful he never got her pregnant. I honestly don't think the M would of survived if he had a child w/her.
newbby Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 mopar crazy, that is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard. do you really believe that the circumstances of conception make one child any less important than another???????? do you also believe that if rings have not been exchanged, then it is always lust and not love?
mopar crazy Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 mopar crazy, that is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard. do you really believe that the circumstances of conception make one child any less important than another???????? do you also believe that if rings have not been exchanged, then it is always lust and not love? newbby, I am not trying to say her child should not be important than the other child that he has w/ his W. Her child should be just as important as his other child. My point is this, hypothetically. When her child gets older and has a ball game (for example) the same day and time his child (w/ his W) should be the one he goes to instead of the OP child. Or if they even share the same bday his first child (w/ his W) should be the one that comes first to help celebrate. Does this all make any sense? It may sound like the OP child isn't as important b/c the MM chooses to go to his child things b4 he will go to the child's things he had an A w/. It is going to be a mess for the both of them. I hope he puts this child w/ the OP in his life. I hope he spends time w/ the child, I hope he is responsible for paying child support. I wouldn't be suprised if the W ends up leaving him when she founds out. I am not saying the OP and this MM didn't love eachother, they probably do, however, w/ my H and the exOW it wasn't love, it was all about the fun of the relationship, and the sex. All I am saying is that the OP should not think her child should come first. Just b/c she knew the MM first, and was involved w/ him doesn't mean that her child comes first. He is M to his W and they are a family.
newbby Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 i dont think the original poster was saying that her child is more important than his other child when she said that. i think she was saying what any mother would, that she doesnt want her child to get messed up with this. she wants the truth and wants to know exactly what is going on and what she can expect from this man. i THINK that is what she meant.
mopar crazy Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I was there first and I feel like things should be out in the open. My child should come first in all of this! newbby, I don't know if you missed this part ( not to be saracastic k?) but she did say since she was in his life first her child should come first. He needs to be responsible for this child, he needs to pay support, and he needs to accept the fact he does have a child w/ her. He shouldn't just pay his support and not expect to be part of this child's life. If Raja wants him to be in her child's life, he needs to be. He can't just sweep this under the rug and pretend that he doesn't have a child. However, I do agree that his child in his current M should come first when it comes to his time (depending on the situation).
heyitsmichele Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 HI, I don't know if this will help you, but I just had a child with MM. When he told his wife I was pregnant she still wanted to work out their relationship. I don't think that will be the outcome in everyones situation, and i believe it all depends on circumstances in their marriage. However, he has made our child a priority in his life. He is fully responsible for our daughter, and he really does a lot for her. He pays child support, and today they are at the zoo. I don't think all men will be as responsible..just depends what kind of guy he is. I do know that his marriage is very disfunctional. They fight..she calls him a whore..I understand. I'm sure every time she looks at our baby she must feel the betrayal all over again. I try to stay out of their drama. Its hard because I love MM, but he will not leave his wife. He said " she has stuck by my side through all of the things I have put her through and I cannot bring myself to leave her, she will have to leave me." So, I was forced to accept that I would have to share my daughter with her dad AND his family. He has two kids with wife. I know it will only hurt my daughter if I choose to act irrational in the relationship with her dad. I now make my decisions based on the happiness of my daughter. So, I believe it is best in your situation to look out for the well being of your innocent baby that is on the way. Your baby deserves to have the support of two parents, wether you are together or not. It took everything I had to tell MM that I wanted to be good friends with him, and ONLY good friends, and I really stressed to him the importance of being a good dad for our baby. I lucked out because he is a wonderful dad. It is hard. Being a single mom is hard. But, if he's not divorced it is for a reason. I miss my baby so much right now, and it is very hard to imagine her at the zoo with married man ..wife..and his two kids ..like one big happy family with my daughter...but, Im sure it gets easier. My baby is 3 months old now, and my daughter has a wonderful brother and sister. You never know what might happen in the future. I am a big believer in what is meant to be will be. All I know is I want my daughter to respect me, and the decisions I make in life. One day she is going to ask me about this situation, and I will have to tell her. But until then I want to make sure she understands what is right, and grows up knowing she has the love of two parents. Good luck. I know how hard it is.. I remember how alone I felt at times being pregnant. The pain is unreal. I feel for you. Michele
Author Raja22 Posted October 12, 2005 Author Posted October 12, 2005 I thank all of you for your advice however what I meant is this- When two people make a baby whether it be out of love lust or whatever the child or children must come first. I am a product of a father who was not around my whole life. We are just now having a relationship and I'm almost 25 years old. He has 4 younger children two step and two biological daughters. He now raises them and has continued to forget about the other three children he created. Being the ages we are we are still very hurt that the younger children come first. Not in the sense of age becasue obviously there is like a 20 year age difference but just in his overall attitude towards us. This is not what I wanted for my child. All children should come first regardless of the relationship between parents. That is just crazy. The only people that end up hurt are the children and they are innocent. I've loved my boyfriend for almost 11years since I was 14 years old. I know that my child was created in love. People make mistakes that one day they have to pay for. I should have not gotten pregnant by a MM but I did. I am a strong beliver in what's meant to be will be and by the way this is our third child. I had two abortions prior to concieving this one. The first in high school. The second in the mist of his marriage and now this one. God wanted my baby here so here she comes. They say the third times a charm. This story can only get worse before it gets better but I am just concerned about his wife and his military career. He is a sgt. in the marine core. I hope nothing bad happens when they find out that he has a baby on the way and he's married. Anyone out there no what happens to military if they have an affair thatproduces a child?
Maria46 Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 If I remember correctly, if you can prove that he is the father, the child will receive medical benefits (champus?) and I think support for the child can be automatically taken from his pay. I don't think they punish an adulterer in the military anymore. But I could be wrong on that.
eshevonne Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Well being military I just want you to know he can be charged with adultry and can ultimately be kicked out for his affair if his wife is persistant and contacts his supervisors. The only way he go without getting into trouble is 1) if his wife is understanding 2) dumb about the rules and the amount of control she has in said subject or 3) he doesn't tell her and instead of putting him CS you all go and get a notorized letter for support...trust me I know my fiances ex tried her best to have him kicked out but do to little to no evidence he just received a no contact order and UIF (Unfavorable information file) luckily they were divorced by the time my son was born...
tinktronik Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Well first off, if MM is still in the corp ,and you filed for child support,he can be court martialed for the affair.In the corp they have moralistic code ,most marines know you can do whatever you want and just keep it quiet ,but you DO NOT get caught.So he can actually be courtmartialed or demoted which would do neither his exitsting child of your unborn child any good as he would be brigged and have no pay or being demoted would cut his pay.Any way good luck I suppose ...
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