Madeleine Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Five months ago i finally plucked up the courage to leave my husband of 19 years. He was physically violent. He was emotionally and sexually cold. He was controlling to the extreme, even down to what i could say. He was lazy and hadn't worked for the last 12 years of our marriage. He would not contribute to the household financially, i paid for absolutely everything. He was selfish and greedy and only ever thought of himself. He was childish and had tantrums if he couldn't get his own way. He was manipulative and devious. He cheated on me more than once and laughed when he told me. He had no concern for my feelings and emotions. Seven months before i left my husband i met another guy. He showed me a life i didn't know existed and he made me realise that there was more to life. I have described how this (new) guy treats me in my post in the dating forum. I adore him. I did not leave my husband to be with my new guy, nor did he ask me to leave. I was well aware that he might have freaked out, but he didn't. He has been amazingly supportive and i am very happy with him. So can anyone enlighten me as to why i cannot cope with my newfound happiness? 1) Why am i suddenly questioning if i am good enough for my new guy? 2) Why do read all kinds of horrors into innocent situations and think my new guy is going to leave me? 3) Why am i terrified he will cheat on me? There have been no red flags whatsoever, yet twice in the last 2 months i have thrown a hissy-fit at him for no reason. He has been so understanding but i'm certain no-one will put up with that sort of behaviour forever. The last time i went off the rails (and i have only ever done it 3 times in total) he ended up crying and saying he didn't want anyone but me and that he'd miss me if i wasn't his girlfriend. As i said, i adore him, but i don't want to drive him away. Can anyone give me advice on how i can stop my seemingly self destructive behaviour?
slubberdegullion Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 1) Why am i suddenly questioning if i am good enough for my new guy? Probably because your self-esteem and personal perception of your own value has been diminished by nearly two decades of pain. Given that we get our perceptions of the world based on the lenses that are tainted with our history, this is not surprising in the least. The first step is recognizing that you are seeing and sensing your value in this new relationship through the filter of your past. Once you have recognized and integrated that understanding, you will begin to see things more clearly. 2) Why do read all kinds of horrors into innocent situations and think my new guy is going to leave me? If I read this correctly, you've been faithful to your abusive husband, and this new fellow is the first one to come along that you feel treats you with respect. You are probably experiencing a fear of losing him, thereby losing that newfound respect. It puts him in a bad situation as well, because even if he has to intention of philandering, your default perceptions automatically reverts to your history. In short, you're gun shy of losing him. 3) Why am i terrified he will cheat on me? There have been no red flags whatsoever, yet twice in the last 2 months i have thrown a hissy-fit at him for no reason.Same as #2. But don't despair. This is perfectly normal given your situation. You will get through this, given time and positive reinforcement. Congratulations, by the way. And good luck!
Author Madeleine Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 Yes, you're right, i am scared of losing him. He is not the first guy who has ever shown me kindness or respect, my friends and family do that all the time, but he is the first guy i've been in a relationship who has shown me those things. I feel so lucky to be with him, sometimes it feels too good to be true.
In Sync Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 First I want to say Peace and All Good Bessings To you for having removed yourself from a hurtful relationship. It's was a hard thing to do, but you DID it and you have my admiration. To answer some of your questioning about why you can find complete happiness I will offer you some of what I have acquiired from my experience in being in unhealthy relationship]. and what happens when moving into a happier sitution. Your inner belief about yourself has been traumatized by your past relationship with your husband. Beliefs are those things we hold true about ourselves and operates our core thinking and actions. Because after years of being with someone who instilled negative thoughts about you that you absorbed (which were not true, of course) you are distorting what you perceive so as to make a belief seem true even if its not. You think your new guy could cheat because you are convinced 'I am not worthy that he'll stay with me.' Your husband didn't value you and your feelings, person your being and you believed it and despite this new guy who does value you and love you, you have a distorted belief that he can'tpossibly love you. Your Beliefs About You have been wounded and so you're seeing everything through those wounded glasses. My advice beside therapy and rebuilding new beliefs about yourself worth are essential. Because no matter how much that new guy loves you, you will eventually create a reality (tantrums- accusations- arguments -to push new guy away) to justify your thinking that he thinks you're not worthy and that will match up to your "inner belief" and confirm 'oh my husband was right.' You deserve all the love you can get, but its going to take real hard work to undo the damage you husband has done to your core beliefs.
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