Author max3732 Posted April 22, 2020 Author Posted April 22, 2020 6 hours ago, SumGuy said: Fair enough if you have already seen deal breakers. As these are unique (to us ) dating times you can use that as a reason to bring up etiquette that how you don't know when things become "dating" now and you would just focus on "dating" one person. So you don't want to lead her along as you are not sure you both would fit together in LTR at this early stage...then can you mention the thing she can't change which is a no go for you? Alternatively, it sounds like to me now you know this will never work for you, so why can't you just say you enjoyed talking to her, she seems like a great person, you don't want to lead her her, do want her to know you not feeling the level of connection for what you are looking for and wish her good luck. Well I do want to let her know that it won't work. My question was how best to do that. Guess I'm too emotional, but after I talk to someone several times for a few hours I feel connected to them and don't want to hurt their feelings. Especially since she said so many right things and that I want her to succeed. If she was a jerk or a bad person I wouldn't feel anywhere near as bad about it. This other woman I've been talking to and texting with I really like and would hope that if she wanted to end it with me she'd send me something and not just ghost me.
Ami1uwant Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 8 hours ago, max3732 said: If I was really into her like I am with this other woman I've been talking to on the phone it wouldn't be that bad. What makes it really tough is she's one of the 1st people that seems to understand a lot of things that I think are great attributes that I have and we are also on the same page as far as what we're looking for during dating and even have a somewhat similar early dating history. She told me I can call her anytime and how many creepy messages she gets so it's so refreshing to read mine and talk to me. She said she can tell what a good hearted and wonderful person I am. So I'd feel really uncomfortable saying "thanks. I don't want to talk to you anymore". So I'll do it over text where I can control what I say and then I think I'll block her in case I get something nasty back. I just don't feel right ghosting someone. Who wants to bet ...you dump her and this other woman dumps you.... yiu our never know anything until you meet face to face,
kendahke Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 (edited) On 4/21/2020 at 9:23 PM, max3732 said: Last time we talked she was saying she's so relieved to find someone like me She's relieved that her construct of who she thinks you are is justifying her investment in said construct. If she's never met you, she can't possibly know you or what someone like you is actually like. Also, it doesn't help that you're keeping quiet when she's saying these things. You needed to tell her back when she told you that she was focusing only on you that you were not only focusing on her and are talking to other women along with her. She would have pulled her energy back in that vein upon hearing that, most likely. So if you choose the route of texting the end of your involvement, what are you going to do after? Block her number? She's going to try to call you to talk to you--I'd just say call her and tell her and then be done with it. Just don't allow yourself to be talked into anything you don't want to be a part of. Edited April 23, 2020 by kendahke 1
SumGuy Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 @max3732 Let me see if I understand, you know it won't work and want to end it but don't want to say why and don't want to hurt her feelings because she is liking you and as far as she knows all is fine, but you really hope she doesn't ask why? Welcome to the world :). In my limited understanding of the world, women often are the ones facing this dilemma, with the added twist of potential danger as some men can get aggressive. It's a good empathy moment. I can get not wanting to lead her on when you know she is not for you, that is good. (As a quick personal aside, maybe look at this deal breaker...and if it really stacks up against all the good...my suspicion you don;t mention it is because most would think you gave up on a person who is so great in all the ways that really matter and are hard to find -as far as you know so far - over that.) As you have never met, the classic I like you but not that way, not feeling the chemistry, is hard to use because you have never met. Here it makes sense to be very up front that you are not certain, as you have never met and you are talking to others, and think that makes sense. That there may help her reevaluate you, and that you do not see her as the one and maybe she will take the hint she should to. Letting her down easy though may mean letting her down slow, which yes may be a waste of her time in the sense you "know" she is not for you but it is not a waste if it preserves her feelings. Can you say you are not feeling about her that way and not feeling the chemistry before meeting? That is where I am at a lost for advice. I never would. If the messaging was fun and flowed I would always give a woman a chance and meet her. Anything that is a deal breaker for me are of the categories the vast majority of people would agree are reasonable and things one would readily bring up. So at a loss. All that being said, reconsider if you want to tell her why. That way she can know it is you and not her...in fact that is a good way to put it, it is you and not her. That is, she is as far as you know a wonderful person a good catch, it is just you have these particular criteria that she doesn't meet, criteria a person doesn't need to have to be great, it is just what you need. And I do say need as deal breaker are in the need category for me, not the want category. 1
Author max3732 Posted April 24, 2020 Author Posted April 24, 2020 On 4/23/2020 at 11:49 AM, SumGuy said: @max3732 Let me see if I understand, you know it won't work and want to end it but don't want to say why and don't want to hurt her feelings because she is liking you and as far as she knows all is fine, but you really hope she doesn't ask why? Welcome to the world :). In my limited understanding of the world, women often are the ones facing this dilemma, with the added twist of potential danger as some men can get aggressive. It's a good empathy moment. I can get not wanting to lead her on when you know she is not for you, that is good. (As a quick personal aside, maybe look at this deal breaker...and if it really stacks up against all the good...my suspicion you don;t mention it is because most would think you gave up on a person who is so great in all the ways that really matter and are hard to find -as far as you know so far - over that.) As you have never met, the classic I like you but not that way, not feeling the chemistry, is hard to use because you have never met. Here it makes sense to be very up front that you are not certain, as you have never met and you are talking to others, and think that makes sense. That there may help her reevaluate you, and that you do not see her as the one and maybe she will take the hint she should to. Letting her down easy though may mean letting her down slow, which yes may be a waste of her time in the sense you "know" she is not for you but it is not a waste if it preserves her feelings. Can you say you are not feeling about her that way and not feeling the chemistry before meeting? That is where I am at a lost for advice. I never would. If the messaging was fun and flowed I would always give a woman a chance and meet her. Anything that is a deal breaker for me are of the categories the vast majority of people would agree are reasonable and things one would readily bring up. So at a loss. All that being said, reconsider if you want to tell her why. That way she can know it is you and not her...in fact that is a good way to put it, it is you and not her. That is, she is as far as you know a wonderful person a good catch, it is just you have these particular criteria that she doesn't meet, criteria a person doesn't need to have to be great, it is just what you need. And I do say need as deal breaker are in the need category for me, not the want category. You summed it up pretty well except that the deal breaker isn't something people here would tell me to ignore Part of my reason for not saying why that I'm always afraid that she'll search for advice and find this thread and realize that I'm the guy she's been talking to and I'm talking about her. I know it sounds a bit paranoid, but I've seen stranger things happen. With the deal breaker it's something she mentioned in one of our conversations I didn't know when we first started messaging and isn't something she can change. If it were just a matter of having fun with a person I could definitely do that with her, but as far as a real relationship that's not going to happen. I also am feeling quite a bit for her, but know that it won't workout and don't want to get too involved. With my only real girlfriend that I was close to marrying we had spent years together and I felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have found her. Then after dating for years she mentioned something that was a deal breaker and I remember crying when she told me since I knew I couldn't marry her. I don't ever want to get to the point where I say "let's just go out once or twice and then I'll break up with her" and be put in a position like that again. If something is a definite deal breaker I don't want to develop any more feelings for her.
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