max3732 Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 I matched with someone and exchanged texts and then moved to phone calls and while she's a perfectly fine person I just don't feel that she's right for me. The thing is she said that she only likes to date one guy at a time and is putting a lot of effort into me, which made me feel really guilty that I'm talking to other women. If we had just been texting I wouldn't feel that bad about sending her a text saying I don't think it will work, but after a few phone calls is that still ok or should I do it on the phone. What I know for sure is I don't want to string her along so I want to do something quickly. Last time we talked she was saying she's so relieved to find someone like me and all this stuff that made me feel especially guilty. I would much prefer a text breakup as trying to come up with the words on the phone would be very difficult. Considering we haven't even met in person yet that should be ok, right? For some reason women always seem to be into me when I'm not into them as much. I'd like to find a case where the feeling is mutual. 2
Malin889 Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 She said she's "so relieved to find someone like you"??? She doesn't even know you, and that's definitely putting the cart before the horse. Send her a text and tell her you no longer want to talk. Blame the pandemic situation, don't say you're talking to anyone else or anything. That's all that's needed. It's nice that you're thinking about how to stop talking to her. Most people, not meeting someone yet, would just ghost the person. You seem very thoughtful. 4
schlumpy Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 The guilt is coming from your lack of honesty. Retrieve your lost honor by informing her you are talking with other women so she can make a decision on investing more time in you. Once you do that the feelings of guilt will dissipate. 5
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 Oh, for goodness sakes, just text her and let her know that you just don't feel that you two have enough in common and move on. 1
Lorenza Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 You are not together, so what is there to break up? I swear quarantine messes with people's minds so much that a match and some texts kinda feels like a relationship to them nowadays 4
Baman Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 You don't know her, she doesn't know you. Until real life you don't exist. Just end it. If it goes bad, block.
Blind-Sided Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 As others have said... you have never met... so there is no "Break up" in this. But... to that same point... you haven't met her, and you don't know if you like her or not. Don't feel guilty... talking to people isn't "Dating" in any stretch. I've read several of your threads about trying to find someone... why toss her away. At this point there should be no guilt. You may meet in real life, and decide she is the one. OR... that you have no attraction. I wouldn't make any decisions until the first REAL meeting.
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 31 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: You may meet in real life, and decide she is the one. OR... that you have no attraction. I wouldn't make any decisions until the first REAL meeting. I agree.OP She is a woman you speak on the phone to, there is no "relationship". You seem desperate in the middle of a pandemic to find a gf. Why? I can't think of a worse time to try to find someone. Calm down stop trying so hard. BUT it is a great time to practice your social and communication skills. Maybe you can come out of this with some friends and a potential gf... 2
Emilie Jolie Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 'Hey X I've really enjoyed getting to know you over the phone. However, I'm not feeling a romantic connection between us, so I think it's best we parted ways now to give us both the chance to meet someone more compatible. I'm wishing you the best moving forward'. I would normally advise to do this face to face or over the phone, but since you guys never met and you're eaten up by guilt, I don't think doing it by text would be too inappropriate. Good luck, Max! 4
Ellener Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 13 hours ago, max3732 said: For some reason women always seem to be into me when I'm not into them as much. 'A woman likes a fixer-upper...' ( that's a movie quote, forget where from ) I don't think there's much use talking to people we don't know in order to form a romantic relationship to be honest, except we're all bored/frustrated/lonely/fearful/sad etc with a ton of free time.
Fletch Lives Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 If you reject her openly over the phone, be prepared to get rejected back. Tell her you are talking to someone else or just disappear. 1 1
Uptown182 Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 Since you haven’t met in person yet, it’s perfectly fine to send her a text saying something to the effect that you don’t think you’re compatible. i was in a similar situation a few years ago, but it was actually a set up through friends. I knew the guy wasn’t for me after a few phone calls, so I texted him and told him I didn’t feel we were right for each other. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 She's taking a very off-putting approach by acting as if you're already a couple when you haven't even met. I agree that a lot of single people are lonely in these strange circumstances and trying to rush connections to fill the void. I don't think you owe her a phone conversation to tell her you're not interested. It would be awkward and potentially emotional from her side. Text/message is enough.
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 I agree not to make this too complicated. Say you don't feel the chemistry or you feel you are not a match...and be done with it.
SumGuy Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 Correct me if I am wrong, the core issue you have here is that she has decided to only talk to you, but you don't feel she is the one, so you want to talk to others and feel that is kind of a betrayal as she is only talking to you. Personally I would never assume the chemistry is not there if the texting and phone conversations are fun, there is no substitute for meeting in person. The real issue (again in my opinion) is she considers texting and phone calls to be at the level of dating. There is nothing wrong with dating only one person at a time, but you all have not even met. I'd just be honest about that, and perhaps explore what you like about her and what she likes about you, and what the expectations are in these times. It's brand new, I don't think there was any dating advice about finding love in a pandemic. 1
Ellener Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 1 hour ago, SumGuy said: I don't think there was any dating advice about finding love in a pandemic. Reminds me of “Today, when I saw you, I realized that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion.” ― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera 1
DarrenB Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 Are you sure she isn't from you know... one of those hotlines? I joke of course (unless she actually is) I agree with @Lorenza here, phone call's between someone you haven't met in person and realistically don't even know that much about lacks the fundamental intimacy a relationship requires to even be considered one. Therefore there is no need to over-exaggerate this situation. Send a text and back you go into the world of dating 1
SumGuy Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 41 minutes ago, Ellener said: Reminds me of “Today, when I saw you, I realized that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion.” ― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera I stand corrected
Author max3732 Posted April 22, 2020 Author Posted April 22, 2020 2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: She's taking a very off-putting approach by acting as if you're already a couple when you haven't even met. I agree that a lot of single people are lonely in these strange circumstances and trying to rush connections to fill the void. I don't think you owe her a phone conversation to tell her you're not interested. It would be awkward and potentially emotional from her side. Text/message is enough. If I was really into her like I am with this other woman I've been talking to on the phone it wouldn't be that bad. What makes it really tough is she's one of the 1st people that seems to understand a lot of things that I think are great attributes that I have and we are also on the same page as far as what we're looking for during dating and even have a somewhat similar early dating history. She told me I can call her anytime and how many creepy messages she gets so it's so refreshing to read mine and talk to me. She said she can tell what a good hearted and wonderful person I am. So I'd feel really uncomfortable saying "thanks. I don't want to talk to you anymore". So I'll do it over text where I can control what I say and then I think I'll block her in case I get something nasty back. I just don't feel right ghosting someone. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 In my opinion, a single person who's looking for a real relationship, getting acquainted with new potential dates online, should keep it light and fun, with a mind toward meeting in person once it's feasible. Any kind of "you're the one for me" talk before you've met is naive and comes across kind of desperate.
Author max3732 Posted April 22, 2020 Author Posted April 22, 2020 4 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: As others have said... you have never met... so there is no "Break up" in this. But... to that same point... you haven't met her, and you don't know if you like her or not. Don't feel guilty... talking to people isn't "Dating" in any stretch. I've read several of your threads about trying to find someone... why toss her away. At this point there should be no guilt. You may meet in real life, and decide she is the one. OR... that you have no attraction. I wouldn't make any decisions until the first REAL meeting. The thing just like with the one who already has kids I know that this will not work romantically between us. I don't want to put here exactly what it is, but it's not something that can be changed. She also seems to be a bit more prone to quick judgment and I don't think we have enough activities in common for a friendship. There have been a few times she responded negatively to a text message and then apologized saying she misinterpreted it. So I'd feel guilty if by talking to me she's not finding the right guy for her and also would like to make a clean break.
Author max3732 Posted April 22, 2020 Author Posted April 22, 2020 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: I agree.OP She is a woman you speak on the phone to, there is no "relationship". You seem desperate in the middle of a pandemic to find a gf. Why? I can't think of a worse time to try to find someone. Calm down stop trying so hard. BUT it is a great time to practice your social and communication skills. Maybe you can come out of this with some friends and a potential gf... I've been desperate to find a gf for years. Just seems like during the pandemic there is more opportunity online. I am happy to practice my communication skills, but don't want to string someone along who I know isn't the right one for me. 4
SumGuy Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 44 minutes ago, max3732 said: The thing just like with the one who already has kids I know that this will not work romantically between us. I don't want to put here exactly what it is, but it's not something that can be changed. She also seems to be a bit more prone to quick judgment and I don't think we have enough activities in common for a friendship. There have been a few times she responded negatively to a text message and then apologized saying she misinterpreted it. So I'd feel guilty if by talking to me she's not finding the right guy for her and also would like to make a clean break. Fair enough if you have already seen deal breakers. As these are unique (to us ) dating times you can use that as a reason to bring up etiquette that how you don't know when things become "dating" now and you would just focus on "dating" one person. So you don't want to lead her along as you are not sure you both would fit together in LTR at this early stage...then can you mention the thing she can't change which is a no go for you? Alternatively, it sounds like to me now you know this will never work for you, so why can't you just say you enjoyed talking to her, she seems like a great person, you don't want to lead her her, do want her to know you not feeling the level of connection for what you are looking for and wish her good luck. 1
contel3 Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 To me this looks like you have both blown this thing out of proportion…..there's no need to send her an elaborate message at this point, you might just hurt her feelings even more. Or she might think its weird. I have gotten "break up" texts from people I never even met and sometimes they're straight up funny to read. It's like wow I didn't know I was so crazy about you It's quite natural for discussions to fade, especially when you're quarantined, have no end date in sight and don't know eachother. Just be a bit more distant and let it fade. I have had some pretty "intense" chats, and let's be honest, even after being ghosted it's taken me an average of three days to forget the guys name xD
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