Separation Anxiety.

[KANUSA7501]

There has to be a context to every situation. Some of them are cultural, age, etc. So I am a South Asian from India - Highly educated, widely travelled, work in IT (like most brown dues from India do). I also happen to be married for 25 years, and have a daughter that is 22 years old. Typical Story from South Asia - but has a twist. This is a toxic marriage, and if you ask me why I lived through this for so long, I was dumb, numb and crazy.

Short courtship and marriage - a good wife and a JEALOUS, INSECURE, MANIPULATIVE widowed "Mother in law" (MIL)that is root cause of the break up, waiting to happen..

So what happened? Everything was hunky dory till we were in India. I decide to move to the west in 2000 and the troubles begin.

Stage 1: I go by myself to "Settle down" in the new country. The wife stays with her mom for over a year. The "indoctrination", the "emotional blackmail" begins. She keeps telling my wife how she feels betrayed, let down, lonely because she (my wife) will join me in abroad. 

Stage 2: The wife gets influenced by her mom, starts making long yearly trips to India, We end up raking thousands of dollars in credit card debt. The wife takes my daughter out of school for months on end to join her in her trips to India.

Consequences: The relationship is falling apart, the wife keeps getting guilt tripped and we are sinking in debt. Meanwhile the wife keeps threatening me because "I Separated her from her family" (Read Mom), because the wife's siblings are themselves married and live by themselves. While all this happening, the MIL is living by herself. We have frequent fights and I am guilt tripped to believing that I am a "BAD PERSON" because I separated daughter from Mom.  Years go by and the relationship is now in tatters - Thank you Mother in law!. Your manipulation has worked... Congrats!

What now? (Fast forward 25 + years) I feel worthless, down, frustrated, depressed and lose all self esteem. The daughter who is now 22 joins her mom in isolating me while ruining me financially (She goes to an out of state school, runs thousands of dollars in Uber/flight expenses, and I end up discharging her debt. Why did I do that? I am painted in a corner by the Mom-Daughter duo, and I am a  coward and wimp. The daughter becomes a "social media influencer" gets a high paying job and thumbs her nose at Dad. She is ungrateful, and rude, to say the least.

Then what?   I am very lost, confused, distressed and depressed. Meanwhile I am also busy with work. When I am not at work, I think of taking my own life.  I think that will put en end to misery. I will no longer feel the anguish, I will no longer feel worthless, and they (my wife and daughter) will cry some, and go on with their lives. The wife will go to live with her mom, the daughter will cary on with her job.

So why won't I do it?  I am a coward, I don't have the courage to do that. There are myriads of questions that criss cross my mind All those "WHAT IF" questions. What if I don't succeed in my suicide attempt? What if I am saved and am a nervous wreck? What if I become a "vegetable". What if I survive and then have pain for the rest of my life? . Then someone tells me that if I killed myself, I would be reborn to re-live the rest of my natural life (Does that make sense? I don't know. I am also asking myself how I'lll hurt my immediate family, my mom, and my siblings. OK, the wife and daughter won't miss me, but won't I punish others - my siblings, my dear friends with what I did?  I don't know, and so I am still alive!

Plan B:    My plan B is to physically separate from the wife. At some time we can go in for a divorce. During one of the fights we had recently I told her that this wasn't working. She didn't say anything except "It's OK" . I don't know what this means, but for my sanity, for my self respect and for me to earn towards my retirement, I need to do this. This is not to punish the wife or daughter. This is after all these years, ABOUT ME.

The wife can live with her mom, and the daughter can get on with her life.

I have many questions :

1) Am I doing something wrong? My wife is educated, but has never led her own life, doing stuff for herself - for the last 25 + years.

2) Despite all that she had done with her frequent absences, she's a good person in many ways. I still love her (I am angry at myself for being a wimp). Is this a contradiction of sorts? Should I not be hating her for ruining my life? I can't seem to do that. 

3) My question is how do I face the "separation"? How do I distract myself from that, and lead a productive life?

4) My wife won't see a counsellor. In India this is an "internal matter", besides she consider her duty towards her mom paramount. I don't see anything good happening in the relationship - it's hollow, worn out and almost dead. Is there something else I should be doing?

Please help with your views and advice...... and Yes, I will have more questions. Thanks for your patience and understanding!!

 

 

 

 

 

S

[schlumpy]

It sounds as if your wife has no respect for you as a husband. She likes the paycheck but isn't doing her part to maintain the marriage.

I apologize for chuckling when you painted yourself as a coward and a wimp. I guess it can seem like that. I suspect that you are the type of man that measures his success in life by providing for his family. Always giving into their demands. I've known many over the years. One man I knew put off retirement for years because he was always helping his kids get a  new car or down payment for a house or the grandkids wanted a new pool, etc... It was an endless list. That how he measured his worth as a man and a husband. He died from a sudden heart attack that was the end of that.

Your first option is to save your marriage but to do that you will have to enter therapy and understand the inherent behaviors that have brought you to the brink. You will have to work hard on changing your approach to your marriage and family relationships. That's not easy to do and depends on how much you want to stay married. I only suggest this because you indicated you still love your wife. Some chemical help for emotional control would help. See the doctor.

The second approach you can take is file for divorce and become a ghost. Only talk to your wife through the lawyer. If your daughter abandons you then that's on her. Don't bother to make excuses or explain. Just have your wife served without warning. Another tough decision to make.

You could file for separation and let her stew over the upcoming divorce. Tell her your reasons but expect her to work hard to minimize them and blame you. You could go to counseling sessions. Within that environment you might be able to figure out if your marriage will work or you it has to end.

Meanwhile you need to get the debt monkey off your back and improve your financial position. That alone would cause me to go into depression.

[emprosnet7]

I totally agree with schlumpy.

Although you say you love her, that love destroyed you morally and financially. 

But it is never too late. Don't do anything stupid. Save yourself and leave this toxic environment. Ask for help from a friend. If you have a study job focus on the future and meeting new people or find a nice hobby.

[Axee]

Hi ,

I am also from a similar cultural background and understand where you are coming from . I am sorry that you are feeling this way , somewhere you have a responsibility for yourself apart from your family.

In my opinion , even if you decide to save the marriage ,the drama will continue and it will be on and off .You might never be able to communicate the intensity of your distress with your wife.

Separation is the best option , you can continue to love your wife and even financially provide for her. But you need not be sucked up into the drama. Make sure you maintain no contact. Thats VERY important to make your wife understand that you mean business.

Maybe your wife will finally understand and emphatize what you are going through or maybe not, either way it will help you. Also recommend you invest some money into yourself and go to therapy.