Hopeful30 Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) I have a penpal in South America and we have been in touch since I was 15 years old. We talk openly about everything, which I appreciate because we can discuss sex, relationships and the opposite sex without any awkwardness or risk of hooking up. Recently he made a comment that 'you're too serious'. What does this mean? I've heard this a few times before, but never understood how I come off as serious when i spent my entire youth flirting, going dancing, smoking weed and participating in social activities with friends and others I didn't know. He is aware how I feel about opening up sexually with a man...could this be what people mean by 'too serious'? I continue to be surprised by this, because in my experiences, I've avoided commitments (didn't find the right man yet) and turned down marriage proposals. I've never wanted kids (until very recently). What makes a woman like this appear too serious? Is it because I don't put out easily? Edited April 21, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Miss Spider Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) Hard to know exactly what he meant. It might be too uptight, super responsible, can't really let loose and take things easy/ just go with the flow with little to no sense of humor? Maybe ask? Edited April 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
stillafool Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Do you laugh a lot, have a good sense of humor? 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted April 20, 2020 Author Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Hard to know exactly what he meant. It might be too uptight, super responsible, can't really let loose and take things easy/ just go with the flow with little to no sense of humor? Maybe ask? I am quite responsible (had to be since a very young age), but what adult isn't? I am known to go with the flow. I don't feel like I carry resistance towards anything. I've always received compliments about my sense of humour (however I don't really see it lol) 12 minutes ago, stillafool said: Do you laugh a lot, have a good sense of humor? Oh yes I already have laugh and smile wrinkles lol Edited April 20, 2020 by Hopeful30 1
Miss Spider Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) Well, there's responsible and there's RESPONSIBLE. Like, having to micromanage/analyze everything, worrying about things too much, just takes life way too seriously. I've known people like this. They're usually quite successful in their careers, but I would call them too serious. Would you say you can be described as easy going? Edited April 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Author Hopeful30 Posted April 20, 2020 Author Posted April 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Well, there's responsible and there's RESPONSIBLE. Like, having to micromanage/analyze everything, worrying about things too much, just takes life way too seriously. I've known people like this. They're usually quite successful in their careers, but I would call them too serious. Would you say you can be described as easy going? That's true. It can be a characteristic of personality. I've been considered as laidback most of the time...but I have also received a few comments about being too serious. I wish I could remember from whom, because that makes a difference. I admit that I'm a bit sensitive to this comment, because my grandmother (very stern and rude person, we are from Soviet Union, so you can imagine..) also told me that men would call her serious, and she struggled in the dating world because she was rarely approached. I am concerned that I'm in the same boat, even though we have completely opposite personalities. This bothers me now because I would like a longterm commitment. It never bothered me before because I don't care what other people think (unless they are close family and friends). 1
smackie9 Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 We can't pinpoint it so you are going to have to ask them. 2 1
stillafool Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 When he said that to you why didn't you ask him what he meant?
Miss Spider Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 I understand. I wish I were more serious sometimes. lol If that is what they meant, I don't think it should hinder your ability to find longterm commitment. Sure, a lot of men(people) are attracted to fun, easy going nature...But I'm sure some grow tired of frivolity and girlishness and desire a more serious woman. Maybe an equally 'serious' man. Everyone's different. 1
Author Hopeful30 Posted April 20, 2020 Author Posted April 20, 2020 21 minutes ago, stillafool said: When he said that to you why didn't you ask him what he meant? I did, he said I take myself too seriously and should 'live' more (as in be less spiritual). His impression of me isn't quite accurate though, so I reached out on here to explore the concept in general.
poppyfields Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) Hopeful, since you refer to him as a "pen pal," I assume your interactions have been online or text. So I'm inclined to think the way you interact with him (on line) has something to do with this. For example, do you play, joke, tease, banter when chatting with him? Have fun with it? Or are your convos more of the "serious' nature - current events, politics, philosophy, religion, those sorts of things? Its hard to know without listening to one or more of your communications with him. You did say you can talk about anything - relationships, sex, the opposite sex - all serious subjects, BUT perhaps he'd just like to sit back and have a good laugh with you once in a while, and not talk about anything serious!!. Maybe tease and banter a bit. That's my take and I can certainly relate to that, especially on line. Try switching up the vibe, be fun, playful, tease, make a joke! Forget the serious stuff. See how that goes. Assuming that's part of your nature which you say it is in real life, so bring that same energy when you chat on line. Edited April 20, 2020 by poppyfields 2
Lotsgoingon Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 You gotta ask him this question. The danger of not doing so is what's happening right now. Instead of seeing this as one person's thinking, you are imagining that everyone will have the same impression of you. You should ask him what he means. BTW: I would take being "serious" as a compliment. Have this conversation with someone you trust--again this person is a great place to start--and get clear on what he means ... and don't assume that being "too serious" for him means anything other than him and others like him. We can't date most people. Therefore, dating is a huge process of exclusion. Most people aren't our type ... whether they don't like our looks or our bodies, height, voice, income ... or just there's no spark. Since this is a friend, ask him what the heck he means. Might mean you're just thoughtful and you add up clues about what he says or you have observations that he doesn't make. 3
Author Hopeful30 Posted April 20, 2020 Author Posted April 20, 2020 35 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Hopeful, since you refer to him as a "pen pal," I assume your interactions have been online or text. So I'm inclined to think the way you interact with him (on line) has something to do with this. For example, do you play, joke, tease, banter when chatting with him? Have fun with it? Or are your convos more of the "serious' nature - current events, politics, philosophy, religion, those sorts of things? Its hard to know without listening to one or more of your communications with him. You did say you can talk about anything - relationships, sex, the opposite sex - all serious subjects, BUT perhaps he'd just like to sit back and have a good laugh with you once in a while, and not talk about anything serious!!. Maybe tease and banter a bit. That's my take and I can certainly relate to that, especially on line. Try switching up the vibe, be fun, playful, tease, make a joke! Forget the serious stuff. See how that goes. Assuming that's part of your nature which you say it is in real life, so bring that same energy when you chat on line. The goal of this post was not to evaluate him, but to explore how society perceives a woman who is 'too serious'. This isn't the first time I've heard this, so I wanted to dig into it.
poppyfields Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: I understand. I wish I were more serious sometimes. lol If that is what they meant, I don't think it should hinder your ability to find longterm commitment. Sure, a lot of men(people) are attracted to fun, easy going nature...But I'm sure some grow tired of frivolity and girlishness and desire a more serious woman. Maybe an equally 'serious' man. Everyone's different. Deleted, wrong thread, sorry! Edited April 20, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said: The goal of this post was not to evaluate him, but to explore how society perceives a woman who is 'too serious'. This isn't the first time I've heard this, so I wanted to dig into it. Your initial post suggested you were wondering why this particular guy thought you were too serious, so I gave my opinion about it, sorry it wasn't to your liking. Edited April 20, 2020 by poppyfields 2
Lotsgoingon Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said: The goal of this post was not to evaluate him, but to explore how society perceives a woman who is 'too serious'. This isn't the first time I've heard this, so I wanted to dig into it. I'm aware that societies pressure women in all kinds of unfair ways. The "too serious" allegation isn't really one I've heard about. Really find out what he means in response to you--like when did he say this in the conversation? What what was the remark you made that was "too serious"? Start there ... You might just be spending time with guys who aren't as thoughtful as you are.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 5 hours ago, Hopeful30 said: I have a penpal in South America and we have been in touch since I was 15 years old. We talk openly about everything, which I appreciate because we can discuss sex, relationships and the opposite sex without any awkwardness or risk of hooking up. Recently he made a comment that 'you're too serious'. What does this mean? I've heard this a few times before, but never understood how I come off as serious when i spent my entire youth flirting, going dancing, smoking weed and participating in social activities with friends and others I didn't know. He is aware how I feel about opening up sexually with a man...could this be what people mean by 'too serious'? I continue to be surprised by this, because in my experiences, I've avoided commitments (didn't find the right man yet) and turned down marriage proposals. I've never wanted kids (until very recently). What makes a woman like this appear too serious? Is it because I don't put out easily? I love the part about the penpal... and in SOME ways he's priceless just as a 'constant' while your life is a collection of variables of smaller durations. BUT... I also sense this little subject between you and he... as something akin to your either being wooed to "(avoid raindrops)" or "(try to find just the right raindrop, by first going THERE instead of HERE, and doing so AT NIGHT instead of in the daylight)". It's perfectly fine that you are somehow even 'focused' on finding a mate... BUT rather than, say, go to a jam-packed nightclub and trying to always roam to your left, instead of roaming there to your right, as you've always been doing... (that had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with jam-packed nightclubs, FYI) INSTEAD go **OUT THERE** into society and pursue INTERESTS which you genuinely have... and let similar-minded men approach from those surroundings. You are likely to over-emphasize whatever this penpal said... and trend further away from being "yourself"... when instead you just need to bring YOURSELF ***out there*** into the world... where scores of PEOPLE are gathered during their normal daily pursuits. That's a far better source of mates than would be 'reworking yourself' on the distant advice of a well-meaning penpal who is himself a VARIABLE who is difficult to de-emphasize even IF he has useful advice at the core. Don't change the inner you... just put her OUT THERE where decent-minded (and clear-minded) people are. 2
simpycurious Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 4 hours ago, poppyfields said: Your initial post suggested you were wondering why this particular guy thought you were too serious, so I gave my opinion about it, sorry it wasn't to your liking. Her original post was ACCURATE IMO. Maybe, he means that you simply DON'T seem to HAVE FUN. I am a jovial person and always seem to be laughing, teasing someone or something of the sort. I might be considered to be NOT serious enough at times to an outsider. I will say dating super attractive women that are simply NOT FUN is awful. There is a time and place for both: serious and fun. The trick is being able to balance both. 1
mark clemson Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Sorry if this is OT, but consider the possibility that you are, to some extent, overcompensating for your youthful "indiscretions". This may make you appear a bit more "serious" outwardly than you feel you actually are. 1
Juha Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Without being in his mind or knowing you at all, none of us can make any type of accurate stab, guess at this You are going to have to have an in depth conversation about what he meant Only way you will know I wish you luck
poppyfields Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 24 minutes ago, Juha said: You are going to have to have an in depth conversation about what he meant This made me chuckle. Perhaps it's all those "in depth" convos she's been engaging him in that caused him to think she's too serious! Just a thought, lol. 2
littleblackheart Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) I've often been told I appeared 'serious' by people who don't know me well, so my understanding of 'serious' has come to mean 'close guarded' - which I quite like, to be honest. Is that what you mean, OP? If so, if you wanted to change that perception, one way of doing is to let your guard down - not too revealing, but just enough so one can see a playful side to you. Opening up about yourself can makes you more relatable or approachable to people. Edited April 20, 2020 by littleblackheart 1
smackie9 Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 OK did you ask him in what way you should "live" more? Wear sexy clothes? Not focus on religious beliefs? Stop being so intense about life? 1
poppyfields Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Just now, smackie9 said: Wear sexy clothes? They're pen pals...
smackie9 Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: They're pen pals... That don't matter. People have sex over the internet.
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