whatitdo Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Ok... try to make this quick and concise. Fresh out o f a 7 year relationship.... messed around and met an incredible woman (taking it extremely slow, for time to heal), here is the conundrum..... when do I introduce my kids to the new woman? My ex is not their mom and overall they didn’t like her that much ( which was part of the issue). the point is I do see a future with this new individual, but also don’t want to do it too soon because kids need time to heal as well..... what y’all think?
BaileyB Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) You will never regret waiting. What’s the rush? Why the need to introduce your kids to your new girlfriend? Nothing stopping you for exploring this new relationship while still keeping a healthy boundary with your kids. Your children should not be involved in your dating life, How old are your kids? There are a lot of variables here, including their ages and the fact that you’ve already introduced them to a woman who was not their mother and that didn’t work out well. Now, you are fresh out of that relationship and fresh into another... and, you want to introduce this woman to your children. Hold the presses. if I was you, I would be waiting a really, really, really long time. Your primary responsibility is to your children, muck this up and you will regret that very much. Honestly, until you know this woman is a long term keeper, until you are ready to commit to being together forever... I wouldn’t even consider it. Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB 1
Blind-Sided Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 I've also asked this question... and I've come to the conclusion... every situation is different. Waiting isn't a bad thing... especially now with the COVID issue going on. Also... since your kids had issues with your ex... then you don't want that to be a problem again. First of all... how old are the kids? I think if they are younger... then the time should be longer... AND... you know that this other person has a high probability of staying. I know with my exW... she tried to introduce her BF to my oldest daughter (13) before the divorce was even finalized (but she had moved out) and it just made my kid angry. 1) because she knew that mom was seeing this guy before the divorce. 2) Mom was trying to make dad (me) look like a bad guy. 3) Mom tried to make it look like it was just an accidental meeting. The prob with #3, it was at a bar/video game place that was a 45 min drive from where we live. My daughter is smart enough to know you don't just bump into someone like that. Now... since I started dating again... and knowing what happened with her mom... I simply talked to my oldest kid about it. If she was going to have an issue... I was going to keep my dating life away from her. But she said she wanted me to go out, and find someone nice... with a dog she could play with. (LOL) My youngest daughter doesn't have any issues with new people. So... to me it's first and foremost... how do your kids feel about it? If they are good... then next is how serious is it? If it seems like it could last... finally... how kind is this person? Basically... is she good with kids? If she can take them... and you answered positively to the other points... then there's no reason to not introduce her to the kids.
Marc878 Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: Now... since I started dating again... and knowing what happened with her mom... I simply talked to my oldest kid about it. If she was going to have an issue... I was going to keep my dating life away from her. But she said she wanted me to go out, and find someone nice... with a dog she could play with. (LOL) My youngest daughter doesn't have any issues with new people. Priority here. Only girls with a dog. Hilarious!!!!!! 3
Fletch Lives Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Wait six months to meet the kids. Kids may take 2 years to warm up to the new man. You might be able to speed the process up by buying them stuff, lol 1
Blind-Sided Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 13 minutes ago, Marc878 said: Priority here. Only girls with a dog. Hilarious!!!!!! Well... the funny thing is... 3 of the girls I've been introduced to had dogs. And, the person who has now become my GF has a Australian Shepard... so... it should all work out. LOL 2
preraph Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Not to dampen the enthusiasm, but kids will be far more upset if they have to part with the dog than the human, so still don't introduce them before there's a need. It would have broken my heart, for sure. 1
lurker74 Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Here is a counterpoint to the idea that you never regret waiting. I think that @snowcones was on to something so I am quoting her from another post because it's relevant here: On 4/19/2020 at 11:55 AM, snowcones said: I'm a single parent who did this with my last boyfriend, but in retrospect, it's kind of ridiculous, because who ever knows if a relationship is going to last? I mean, even marriages don't last. No one knows if a relationship is going to last. I can understand a parent waiting to introduce the kids because they want to make sure this person they are dating is not a danger to their kids, but waiting to be sure the relationship is going to last? Ridiculous. You can't know that. Also, exactly how long do you wait? If you wait too long, then you just introduce other terrible dynamics into the relationship. With my last boyfriend, I too had the notion that I needed to wait until I was sure about him. By sure, I mean that I wanted to be sure that he was someone I wanted in my life for long-term. But guess what? By the time I felt that way, by the time I felt sure that we were going to be serious and go on with this, he had gotten used to us being together WITHOUT kids. He had gotten used to it only being us two when we were together. He had gotten used to our footloose and fancy-free dynamic when it was just the two of us where we weren't bogged down with the kids needs/wants/desires. So after waiting 6-8 months and it came time for me to introduce him to my kids and become "a family" he was not into it. That was not the precedent that had been set already and not what he was enjoying, so he wasn't all that excited about it. And of course, his reaction was a major downer and boner-killer for me. And my reaction to his reaction came as a surprise to him and he didn't know what was wrong and I was shocked that he didn't realize what was wrong and the whole thing was just a major mess and mistake. I will never "wait" to introduce the kids again. It's going to happen right away, in order to weed out the kid-haters, like Steve Harvey suggests too. I think that ultimately, too late can be almost as bad as too soon. So be careful but don't be complacent. 1
Miss Spider Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 I think at 6 month ish..where you're pretty settled in terms of whether or not this is someone you see as a long term staple in your life. You should be sure that they feel the same way as well, though... 1
snowcones Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I think at 6 month ish..where you're pretty settled in terms of whether or not this is someone you see as a long term staple in your life. You should be sure that they feel the same way as well, though... 6 months was too late when I did it. I think it needs to be earlier than that. 1
Miss Spider Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 1 minute ago, snowcones said: 6 months was too late when I did it. I think it needs to be earlier than that. It can definitely be sooner. I actually was thinking 6 months is the higher end of the scale. I think any later than that and you're still not sure about the person is an orange flag.
Juha Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 It is hard to set a specific time frame for this. You should wait until you both know each other very well, know neither of you are going anywhere, and are in a long term committed relationship. Could be 6 months, could be more or less You will know when is right. I wish you luck
Emilie Jolie Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Whenever you feel is the right time, is the right time. FWIW, I met my partner's boys at the 3 months mark. We knew we were serious quite quickly, he had full custody back then so it made no practical sense to have a 'we're just friends' backstory when we evidently weren't. They were teenagers so they'd have figured it out anyway. I guess the age of the kids and the type of custody set-up you have can play a part. 1
Malin889 Posted April 21, 2020 Posted April 21, 2020 How long have you been dating the new woman, and how old are the kids?
SumGuy Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 How old your kids are is a pretty important part of the equation, also have many women have you introduced them to before? Then there is how you introduce them, which also depends on age. My kids being in their teens last time introduced a woman was seeing to them, I always do it it via a small dinner party/BBQ, which before social distancing had fairly often with my friends, typically 4-6 people. This way the kids can meet her but it is not the focus of the iteration, they don;t need to carny any conversation but can join in a bit with the adults as we all eat, in a situation that they are familiar with, they already know other of the adults there, and they can easily and without being rude go back to there thing/space and are not "trapped" meeting the new person. I wait a minimum of 6 months. I don't hide my kids before then or the fact I'm dating from them. Glad I wait though, not matter what you think at a couple of months things can fall apart. In my dating experience, if a relationship gets to 6 months it tends to last for at least another year after. The waiting is for my kids sake, it has nothing to do if she is ready earlier. At my age all the women I date have kids (often out of the home) but 6 months as a minimum to wait is what in their thinking as well. Well as least most.
Interstellar Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 The best advice I’ve heard is when your kids are all grown. Of course, you’ll have to work out the logistics on that.
JTSW Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 There's no right time, or a specific amount of time. You do it when you both feel ready. Let your kids know first hand that you have a gf but there is no pressure for them to meet her if they are not ready. They have to be ready too. 1
greymatter Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 We waited a year and were never in a rush to make it happen. Our kids are teens.
d0nnivain Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 6 months seems to be a good benchmark. The only time I dated a man with a child we only waited 4 months. As a non-parent I found it very stressful to me the son who was 12 at the time. I grew close to the son but we struggled. I knew the kid saw me & my house as a refuge. I was grateful that he felt comfortable. The son & I actually dealt with the break up issue in an unusual way. When a favorite uncle (his father's brother) broke up with his then GF who was a friend of mine, I helped the son navigate that break up. He was under the misimpression that being polite to his uncle's Ex-GF was somehow disloyal to his uncle. The son & I were out alone together when we bumped into his uncle's Ex-GF. The son wanted to run away from her. I explained that being rude would be more upsetting to the uncle because every adult wanted the son to grow into a polite gentleman. So we said hi to the Ex-GF, my friend. Later we called the uncle to talk about bumping into the Ex-GF & how it was handled. The uncle praised the son for being mature & polite. So when the dad & I broke up, I specifically asked to speak to the son to assure him that our adult break up wasn't about him & that I would always care about him. I also expressed the idea that if he saw me in public he would be OK saying hi. On that foundation, I became one of the people the son relied on a few years later when the dad died. Don't hide the fact that you are dating but don't force a new person down your kid's throat. Let the SO find their own path to their unique relationship with your kids. The day I first met my BF's son my BF was doing a polar bear swim -- jumping in the freezing ocean in January. There was a part of the day about 3 hours when I had to watch the son while BF was standing in lines & filling out forms. I took the son to an arcade & we played games. Although I let the son choose most of the games, I made him play a few of my favorites. Months later the kid told him that helped him respect me because I didn't just only do what he wanted like I was trying to "buy" him but that I showed I expected our relationship to be more give & take. I tried hard to walk a path of respect but authority figure. When the son would inevitable scream at me "you're not my mom!" my reply was usually something along the lines of "No I'm not but I am the adult in charge of your safety right now so I am entitled to respect & deference. Stop screaming & calmly tell me why you are so upset." Some version of that usually worked. It took a while but I was able to convince the mom that her son's safety was a priority but she needed to support my authority in that respect which she eventually did. Bottom line: it has to be organic but it can't be rushed & you are not automatically going to be one big happy family. 2
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