LivingWaterPlease Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 I hope it works out for you. You are wanting to see red flags if there are any. What stands out to me is that this is probably a woman who operates more based on her emotions, rather than from logic. And she may be impulsive. She jumped into her second marriage before she should have she admits. And she's getting into a relationship with you quickly, too. Just try to keep your emotions in check and take things slowly.
chillii Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Untreated depression is a bigger red flag. But it is something he can talk to her about and find out what's cookin .
Author Mysterio Posted April 26, 2020 Author Posted April 26, 2020 I am like this right now. I am so not used to things sort of going my way. Here are the specs on me. Canadian Black male. Age 49 born in March of 1971. I have my own Condo and I work at the local Hospital right now dealing with Covid. On my side. No kids. Not even close to marriage. Just short dating experiences thats it. My last GF was 2012. I am in fit shape and I weigh around 187 LBS. Striaight white teeth. 5'9. Shaved head. I have a 10 yr old cat. No major decisions are made right now. I can't think about marrying her until she is divorced. I will not live with her until she divorces. I don't know why hubby #2 has not gone to her and state when are we getting divorce on his side. He has a kid with the new woman. So I can't even see his current girl all cool with him still being legally tied to JD. All we are doing is dating. My concerns is that I am not used to going this fast with a woman, where we are extremely physical and verbally insynch with each other. If I had to go from her Divorce from her Sons' Ex. Then I am like guy # 4 from 2010. I want to go over the 2nd Hubby thing again. She took a trip in 2009. Met a man in the Caribbean. Talk to him over the phone for a year. Then went to explore the relationship. Instead he sort of pawned her off to his cousin. Then did the phone thing with the cousin. Then went to visit the cousin. Tried to help the Cousin immigrate to Canada. Canada was weary, so a year later. They decided to marry. The cousin who is now 2nd hubby came to Canada with out a hitch. Then 2 weeks later. The Cousin started having an affair and then she split with him for good. Then 2nd Hubby met another woman and had a kid with her. So JD just dated around again till she met me on Tinder on April 6. We Vid chat till April 16. She came to my place and we had take out dinner and we have been getting together ever since. More in the middle of the week. She sees her kids Fri-Mon. I am at the point where I need to make an effort making things work. I don't really feel that most of the women I meet. There is a romantic connection for the most part. JD has dropped into my lap and I want to see where it goes. If JD and I were straining conversation wise and there was no heavy duty physical affection and I was not treated well. I guess I could walk away. Here is where I think I am at right now. Date to June/July and by then. If we are not BF/GF then let it go. If we are. Then I meet the kids/My parents/Brother. I don't know why I am thinking of making it official, when I am in the driver seat so to speak. I guess I am so used to obstacles that I need a pair of extra eyes. Thank you all for you advice. I don't want to get carried away.
chillii Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 (edited) Yeah but in more of in an in depth everyday sense over time. lf it's gonna be a big thing he,ll start seeing and hearing it doesn't usually take long for any serious personality or emotional issues to start showing even between the lines on good behavior. ps , sorry just in answering bas not to do with op's latest post, haven't read that yet. Edited April 26, 2020 by chillii 1
OatsAndHall Posted April 26, 2020 Posted April 26, 2020 On 4/25/2020 at 2:36 AM, Mysterio said: I asked her about the Divorce. She says she is going to make it a priority. The problem is that she either has to pay for all of it out right, or go halfers with Ex 2. Ex 2 is with a new woman and that woman he has a kid with. So I don't see why when she contacts him about the Divorce. Why he would be resistant to the Divorce. I wonder he is not trying to contact her to get Divorced and his new woman would want that too. So I guess I could ask for more detail. At least she did not keep it from me. Sometimes it's best to let a divorce play out slowly if there's a fair amount of assets and/or lawyer cash at stake. Someone can literally be one bad conversation away from spending a considerable amount of money down on a lawyer. The other party simply needs to refuse to sign the papers and it is a complete mess. My pension was also at stake when I got divorced and that was a scary proposition; I had been contributing to it long before her and I were married but she could have been entitled to half.
ShyViolet Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 This is called "new relationship energy". It's fine, enjoy it. You can consider her your girlfriend. But for the love of god, stop talking about marriage. Get that word out of your mind. You just met this woman. There's no need to over-analyze things, to look for red flags if there are none. Just enjoy her company and let it develop naturally. 1
ShyViolet Posted April 27, 2020 Posted April 27, 2020 On 4/21/2020 at 7:40 AM, Fletch Lives said: Anti depression meds and a married woman are red flags. This is incredibly judgmental and ignorant of you. (the anti-depressant part) You'd be surprised how many people are on anti-depressants. I bet some people who you know are on them. 3 1
Author Mysterio Posted April 28, 2020 Author Posted April 28, 2020 10 hours ago, ShyViolet said: This is called "new relationship energy". It's fine, enjoy it. You can consider her your girlfriend. But for the love of god, stop talking about marriage. Get that word out of your mind. You just met this woman. There's no need to over-analyze things, to look for red flags if there are none. Just enjoy her company and let it develop naturally. For me connecting with a woman has always been hard in the romantic context. The marriage thing I will cool off of. I only mentioned it as something to look at in the future. Right now its just getting together a couple of times a week. This week its Tues/Wednsday. Next week its Tuesday.
basil67 Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) On 4/26/2020 at 8:31 PM, chillii said: Yeah but in more of in an in depth everyday sense over time. lf it's gonna be a big thing he,ll start seeing and hearing it doesn't usually take long for any serious personality or emotional issues to start showing even between the lines on good behavior. ps , sorry just in answering bas not to do with op's latest post, haven't read that yet. If antidepressants are a good fit, an individual will operate just as any other regular person. That's the whole point of taking them. From personal experience, I've been on antidepressants for a number of years. Because of them, I'm far more 'normal' than at any other time in my life. Edited April 28, 2020 by basil67 2
Fletch Lives Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 17 hours ago, ShyViolet said: This is incredibly judgmental and ignorant of you. (the anti-depressant part) You'd be surprised how many people are on anti-depressants. I bet some people who you know are on them. It's reality.
smackie9 Posted April 28, 2020 Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) On 4/19/2020 at 11:15 PM, Mysterio said: I don't have kids. We are not soulmates. I will slow down. I just wanted some perspective. My parents met in summer of 1968 and married in Nov of 1969. Some people just know. JD is 51. I am 49. No Cohabing or Marriage at all at the moment. Just feeling my way through this. Apples to oranges. They were young and the thing to do in those days was to get married. These are modern times where people have many choices and access to them. I'm trying to give you some reality here. I know what it is, it's infatuation. It's very addictive, you want to throw yourself into it because you feel good, happy and desired. That dopamine is doing the talking. Edited April 28, 2020 by smackie9 1
chillii Posted April 29, 2020 Posted April 29, 2020 (edited) Maybe , but big love starts off in exactly the same way too, ps, sometimes, that's why l just say enjoy and time , time answers all in the end. Edited April 29, 2020 by chillii
Author Mysterio Posted April 29, 2020 Author Posted April 29, 2020 Well its been 24 hours or so since we last talked. She txted me that we need to talk. I just see her all over the place emotionally. So unless there is a major excuse. I am out. I don't want to be going all over the place with her. Its steady or I am out. The fact that she has not gotten Divorced and takes the Anti Depressents is concerning to me. Her towards me is this. I am steady, no kids and no marriage to hinder us in any way. I don't have clinical depression. So a woman has a man that has no major problems on the surface. So I don't know what she is going to do. How is she going to spin the Stalled Divorce and Anti Depressent drug.
basil67 Posted April 29, 2020 Posted April 29, 2020 (edited) All this anger because she said "we need to talk". You don't yet know what she wants to say. Edited April 29, 2020 by basil67 2
K.K. Posted April 29, 2020 Posted April 29, 2020 4 hours ago, Mysterio said: Well its been 24 hours or so since we last talked. She txted me that we need to talk. I just see her all over the place emotionally. So unless there is a major excuse. I am out. Well, that sucks. What do you mean a “major excuse”? What did she do wrong? I hope she wasn’t just feeling the negative vibes from you and you unwittingly ruined it. That’s not fair to say about the antidepressants. Lots of people are on them. I’m on them but perhaps that’s a bad example. And the stalled divorce well, sometimes people don’t even want to spring for it or bother with it if there’s nobody in their sights that they’re trying to marry. Sometimes it’s just laziness. Not a flame still burning. Why you trying to kill the thang already? 1
Miss Spider Posted April 29, 2020 Posted April 29, 2020 (edited) Nooooooo I want this to work Edited April 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author Mysterio Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 She got back to me. She says she thinks she has an STI/STD. Anyways I have not pulled the plug. We just have yet to talk/get together. I got myself checked out. I am still hanging on, but I feel like she has a bit of a wild streak in her and she is not finished with that stage. I am giving her a couple of days to herself. I don't know what's going on with her beyond this STI/STD thing. I have reached out with voice mail.FB message/Text. I kind of want the girl next door vibe of a relationship. I have a feeling that she is more the impulsive type and wants a more Buckwild type of guy. Threesomes, doing Marijuana. She was sort of a locked down house wife with a job raising kids. Now that kids are closing in on 17 for the twins this year and 22 for the oldest son. I feel like she wants a very loose wild lifestyle. Where as I am more conservative. Still in the early stages. I have had a bunch of people on another board tell me to run because of the Anti Depressant meds that she is on.
jspice Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 On 4/28/2020 at 4:45 AM, ShyViolet said: This is incredibly judgmental and ignorant of you. (the anti-depressant part) You'd be surprised how many people are on anti-depressants. I bet some people who you know are on them. Very judgemental. its nothing to feel shame about, nor is it a reason to reject someone as a partner. OP you keep talking about marriage. It’s too soon to enough have it in mind. Take it easy. 1
chillii Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 Oh jezuz. Well l mean she is only what , 51 did you say , married twice , givme a break, sounds like she's mlc'g now, if your right then it'll never end and you better run from that one my man . Hope your wrong really wanted this one for ya butttt,
basil67 Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 @Mysterio What makes you think she wants threesomes and weed? Has she told you that it's something she wants?
Author Mysterio Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 The threesomes she talked about with me. She did it with Hubby 2. I felt like she would with me if I wanted to. She did a round of MJ with a female bud a couple of weeks ago. I just get this vibe that she is not done burning out the wild side of her life. Marriage. The only thing about that is that she is still techcially married to her second hubs and has not gotten a Divorce. They split in 2014. EX Hubs 2 has a new woman and a child with that woman. They have not gotten together to work on the Divorce yet. She says she is going to make getting the Divorce a priority. What ever thats supposed to be. I don't know how she got to date these guys before me, while being in a separated state. Its not like she said she was Separated. I have found out about all of this spending time. I am single and childless and state that all the time. There is no ambiguity about me. My status is this and I know this is unessarry. Here goes. Since 1989 these are my most significant Romantic relationships in my head. 1989-PM. 1990-TK. 1995-CS. 1997 DS. 2000-TM. 2003-NF/JO. 2006-J. 2012-DD. 2013-AK. 2015-T. 2017-RB. 2020-JD. Some were light dating. I feel like if I let all this go with JD. I won't find anyone for another 2 to 4 yrs. As I see most women very hard to have a intimate relationship with. It never feels like thats around the corner from me. I don't know why that is. I am not shy, then again I am not Bold in my intentions. I just figure you get to know a woman and it goes to Friends or Lovers. No need to push any agenda. It just comes out.
preraph Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 I don't know Canada laws, but if her marrying the 2nd husband is what made him able to become a citizen of Canada, then I expect that is the problem right there why they don't divorce.
Author Mysterio Posted April 30, 2020 Author Posted April 30, 2020 What am I supposed to do about the Divorce. Its not about Marrying her or anything like that. I met her on Tinder. We had one session of talking. The next day when I talked to her, she asked to Video chat or Phone call. In her Profile she said she was single. Its only when I started probing more is when I got the scoop. I was shocked that she was just Separated. Also that its been at least 6 yrs since they split. How much Money could it be. Maybe 600 at most on both sides. They have yet to come together about it. She says she is worried about him coming after her pension. I don't think he thinks like that. Its only a legal legality so both parties can Divorce amicable. I wonder what Hubby 2's GF thinks about this. Is she good with her baby daddy still legally attached to his ex wife. She could help him out. Its not some 10,000 high stakes divorced. I know other people that have this problem where they marry quick and then break up and can't get divorced. Just even seeing this with JD or even my hearing the soap opera of my friend DT's GF who's ex is stalling over wording that he interprets as Parental Alienation. I am not just going to marry just anyone. Major Vetting and at least a couple of yrs of being a couple at the very least.
FMW Posted May 1, 2020 Posted May 1, 2020 On 4/30/2020 at 2:30 AM, Mysterio said: I kind of want the girl next door vibe of a relationship. This woman doesn't sound anything like that. If you aren't ok with what you're hearing from her (threesomes, weed, legally still married after several years of separation), then don't proceed. It's always a bad idea to blow through red flags. I'm casting no judgment on her, just pointing out the fact that you don't like all these things make them red flags for you. You seem to be intent on finding a serious relationship (that's great). You can't be too idealistic about what you expect, but at the same time you have to determine what your baseline standards are. Take your time and weigh the information you're learning about her. Don't keep pushing forward at full speed until you're sure that you're ready to deal with what a relationship with her would entail.
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