He blocked me all of a sudden

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, kendahke said:

it intimidated him into running away instead of saying "oh, I didn't mean it the way you're taking it"/"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant"/"no, I think it's great you do that--I was just having some fun with ya..."  Instead, he ran instead of sacking up and clearing the air.

Ugh, that sounds like he's kissing up, trying to win her approval, which would turn some women off.

Especially if he meant is as a tease.

Granted, he could have simply apologized for offending and wished her well if he felt they weren't a match, and left it at that. 

I dunno, I'm with cookie it all sounds rather dumb and way too much drama for not having even met in person yet.

Sounds like he just became turned off by her reaction which he may have perceived as scolding.  That's how it sounded to me as an objective observer. 

 

Edited April 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[ladybug2021]

45 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Ugh, that sounds like he's kissing up, trying to win her approval, which would turn some women off.

Especially if he meant is as a tease.

Granted, he could have simply apologized for offending and wished her well if he felt they weren't a match, and left it at that. 

I dunno, I'm with cookie it all sounds rather dumb and way too much drama for not having even met in person yet.

Sounds like he just became turned off by her reaction which he may have perceived as scolding.  That's how it sounded to me as an objective observer. 

 

If it was now, maybe I would have approached him differently. Instead of saying I didn't like it and it was inappropriate, maybe I would just simply ask him "hey when you said I am spoiled, do you really think that about me or were you just joking"? 

I think putting it as a question opens up the conversation, instead of the way I said it that kinda puts a wall up and yes can I understand it can be felt as scolding.

I was just pis*** off because I didn't feel his intentions were just banter.

Anyway he decided to run off so it's over.

[Gr8fuln2020]

On 4/19/2020 at 12:16 PM, The Outlaw said:

I don't see anything wrong with being honest and upfront with him but that was his choice to just walk away. Is there any other way you can contact him that you can think of to try to clear the air?  

Oh heck no! I laughed when I read the guy's response!. He slithered away...  

OP, you can do what you will, but YOU did nothing wrong. His initial 'joking' could have been forgiven and you allowed him that much, but he continued even after being provided a reasonable explanation. He was likely thinking that you were high-maintenance based on your looks. 

Here's the thing, his persistence on the theme is a warning. And most of all, as soon as you spoke up and expressed how you really felt and challenged him....he made a b-line out. He didn't like that you objected and spoke up. He was back to reinforcing his unfounded assumption that you were or are too high-maintenance for him. 

His reaction was an explosive over-reaction to something reasonable. He wiped away every existence of you instead of apologizing and moving forward to a possible relationship. 

Edited April 20, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, ladybug2021 said:

If it was now, maybe I would have approached him differently. Instead of saying I didn't like it and it was inappropriate, maybe I would just simply ask him "hey when you said I am spoiled, do you really think that about me or were you just joking"? 

I think putting it as a question opens up the conversation, instead of the way I said it that kinda puts a wall up and yes can I understand it can be felt as scolding.

I was just pis*** off because I didn't feel his intentions were just banter.

 

In your first post, you indicated you felt he was joking but didnt like it, which is fine!  No need to defend what you don't like. 

Yeah, it pissed you off and sounds like your reaction pissed him off = not a match. 

It's really that simple, you weren't wrong and he wasn't wrong. 

You're simply not a match!  Very very common when chatting on line before a meet.

Edited April 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

The guy acted like a TOOL (sorry if that's harsh).  Overacted, lost his cool, and showed his a...(ok butt). Imagine if there was something really serious with this guy and he acts like this.

Move On.  

[ladybug2021]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

In your first post, you indicated you felt he was joking but didnt like it, which is fine!  No need to defend what you don't like. 

Yeah, it pissed you off and sounds like your reaction pissed him off = not a match. 

It's really that simple, you weren't wrong and he wasn't wrong. 

You're simply not a match!  Very very common when chatting on line before a meet.

We’re clearly not a match.

I think the thing is I really enjoyed our conversations and the friendship part, and we said to each other even when we meet in person if we don’t feel any romantic spark let’s still keep the friendship.

So I was hoping that part would continue and was a bit of a shock when he blocked me.

But hey he was just a guy from a dating app I guess so moving on.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Also if he was going by the rulebook that negging stems from, wouldn't he have seen her comment as positive he was "getting to her" or his neg was working...at least not have blocked her? Or is there a different way they act when it's successful. I don't know. This stuff all sounds dumb.

I think a 'successful' neg is one where the woman's response involves to get to get his approval.  OP's response didn't go as he planned.

[mrs rubble]

I can totally understand how you feel, I've been accused of being spoiled most of my life for the simple reason that I'm an only child, it's usually the first thing that people say after hearing that I have no siblings. I have come to terms with it over the years and realise that it is just an assumption on the other persons part, I usually just brush it off and say "no I wasn't" and carry on.

I'm guessing he's probably said this because of your beauty/hair/clothing habits and considers these things as frivolous. Good luck going forward, there are plenty of single guys who will appreciate your grooming habits, I think this one was looking for someone a little less made-up.

[ladybug2021]

7 hours ago, mrs rubble said:

I can totally understand how you feel, I've been accused of being spoiled most of my life for the simple reason that I'm an only child, it's usually the first thing that people say after hearing that I have no siblings. I have come to terms with it over the years and realise that it is just an assumption on the other persons part, I usually just brush it off and say "no I wasn't" and carry on.

I'm guessing he's probably said this because of your beauty/hair/clothing habits and considers these things as frivolous. Good luck going forward, there are plenty of single guys who will appreciate your grooming habits, I think this one was looking for someone a little less made-up.

The thing is I am not one of those high maintenance women (or men) who almost lives in the salon.

I’m like all women who likes to take care of themselves, that’s it.

I also don’t even understand why someone has to comment on it or a guy has to like it or not. It’s my life, my money and I do whatever I want.

It’s called respect and boundaries. This guy clearly doesn’t know what that is.

Edited April 21, 2020 by ladybug2021

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

The thing is I am not one of those high maintenance women (or men) who almost lives in the salon.

I’m like all women who likes to take care of themselves, that’s it.

I also don’t even understand why someone has to comment on it or a guy has to like it or not. It’s my life, my money and I do whatever I want.

It’s called respect and boundaries. This guy clearly doesn’t know what that is.

While i agree with the intent and content of what you said, it leaves out the valuable component that if the other person doesn't share your values and outlook, then you probably won't be compatible--therefore you can't "be right" and discount that aspect.  It's like there are several planes or layers to evaluate things on.  BTW, that both means on the things he/you mean when summarizing what he meant by spoiled (for all intents and purposes as you interpreted it how you spend money on perhaps beauty, fashion, nice things--which you could have misinterpreted it to be honest but that's another story). AS WELL, as the fact that one person or the other can censor what the other person's opinion is about such things, the "doing whatever I want", what appropriate respect and boundaries are.  Hmmm, do you see what I saying?  Like for example, he might not want a relationship that will not progress where he doesn't have some influence on those things, just as you might not.  As early as it was, he might find it a turnoff.  

Also you say you are being honest and drawing a boundary when you told him he was inappropriate however, maybe he felt was harsh and uncalled for and out of line with his comment and he finds THAT a lack of respect.  So there is the layer of what is right in your world and what is right in his---not just what is "right".  Your interpretation of things doesn't match his, that's all.  Just means he's not the right one for you. 

Rather than make him into the villain, I like the post above where it shows that you would have approached it differently if given a chance to do over.  It just says you learned about yourself.  Listen, you don't need to change a thing about how you spend you money and spoil yourself but it would probably help in the future to guide to the right person and keep the right person or at least keep from offending them and causing problems if you understand this part as well.  Not trying to criticize you only, but he's not here thus only you can learn from this on this forum. Just say he's not for you (which i think you did) and that's all.  You will run into more people who are "not for you" and you can just internally acknowledge that and keep it moving.  And i say all of this as someone who also at least holds one of the same values you think it's about (liking beauty, fashion and spoiling myself) and at the same time that's not ALL it was about IMO.  

[poppyfields]

Great post V (as per usual).

And to add, flexibility and an open mind go far in situations like this, allowing for the possibility that one person's interpretation of something said may "not" be what the other intended or meant at all.

You have the right to not like it, or be offended or even turned off by it, but to attach all these negative qualities to him, i.e. he's disrespectful, doesn't understand boundaries, controlling, etc, without knowing the true intent of his comment, is just so wrong imo.

Especially with a comment such that he made, which in the context you described in your initial post, you admitted was a joke, a tease, so I'm not understanding the demonization.

Same thing happened in another thread as well by a different poster..  

Okay, you didn't like it, you were offended, that's fine, perhaps YOU should have blocked him after that.

You hadn't yet met, and this happens all the time.   You're chatting on line, something is said, you realize they're not for you --  block, delete, next, and leave it at that. Move on to the next of which there are plenty! 

After you meet and begin dating, that's different, I think something should be said. 

But chatting on line?  Not necessary imo.

I like how V worded it, when this happens, simply say "he wasn't for me."

Again, this demonization of a man all because of one person's interpretation which on a forum like this tends to have a snowball effect with folks jumping on the bandwagon, isn't right. 

Why not just allow for the possibility he meant it as a playful tease, an attempt to get you a bit riled in a FUN way, but being YOU are sensitive to this particular issue, you took seriously, didnt find the humor in it, and took offense. 

Which is your right!  

He's not for you, and leave it at that.

 

 

Edited April 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[ladybug2021]

57 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

While i agree with the intent and content of what you said, it leaves out the valuable component that if the other person doesn't share your values and outlook, then you probably won't be compatible--therefore you can't "be right" and discount that aspect.  It's like there are several planes or layers to evaluate things on.  BTW, that both means on the things he/you mean when summarizing what he meant by spoiled (for all intents and purposes as you interpreted it how you spend money on perhaps beauty, fashion, nice things--which you could have misinterpreted it to be honest but that's another story). AS WELL, as the fact that one person or the other can censor what the other person's opinion is about such things, the "doing whatever I want", what appropriate respect and boundaries are.  Hmmm, do you see what I saying?  Like for example, he might not want a relationship that will not progress where he doesn't have some influence on those things, just as you might not.  As early as it was, he might find it a turnoff.  

Also you say you are being honest and drawing a boundary when you told him he was inappropriate however, maybe he felt was harsh and uncalled for and out of line with his comment and he finds THAT a lack of respect.  So there is the layer of what is right in your world and what is right in his---not just what is "right".  Your interpretation of things doesn't match his, that's all.  Just means he's not the right one for you. 

Rather than make him into the villain, I like the post above where it shows that you would have approached it differently if given a chance to do over.  It just says you learned about yourself.  Listen, you don't need to change a thing about how you spend you money and spoil yourself but it would probably help in the future to guide to the right person and keep the right person or at least keep from offending them and causing problems if you understand this part as well.  Not trying to criticize you only, but he's not here thus only you can learn from this on this forum. Just say he's not for you (which i think you did) and that's all.  You will run into more people who are "not for you" and you can just internally acknowledge that and keep it moving.  And i say all of this as someone who also at least holds one of the same values you think it's about (liking beauty, fashion and spoiling myself) and at the same time that's not ALL it was about IMO.  

Thank you, that makes total sense.

If I can take something from this, yes it's about the way I talked to him regardless of what he said. I thinkI should have asked in a different way, not stating how I feel the way I did and make him responsible for my feelings. He doesn't want to be responsible so he blocked me, fair enough.

I still feel though that his comment was not that innocent and just banter, so we would probably have problems down the road. 

But moving on, I'll react differently with a new person.

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

I still feel though that his comment was not that innocent and just banter, so we would probably have problems down the road. 

 

LB, assuming his comment was not innocent, or a playful tease or banter, what do you think it was? 

Do you think he intended for it to offend you, to be disrespectful? 

Why would he?  You said you had been getting on great, planning to meet you, why would he suddenly want to say something that he knew would offend you?  I'm not understanding that. 

Wouldn't it be more likely he was simply trying to have some fun with you?  

Anyway, I'm glad the takeaway from this is positive and wish you the best moving forward, stay safe!

[ladybug2021]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LB, assuming his comment was not innocent, or a playful tease or banter, what do you think it was? 

Do you think he intended for it to offend you, to be disrespectful? 

Why would he?  You said you had been getting on great, planning to meet you, why would he suddenly want to say something that he knew would offend you?  I'm not understanding that. 

Wouldn't it be more likely he was simply trying to have some fun with you?  

Anyway, I'm glad the takeaway from this is positive and wish you the best moving forward, stay safe!

I have no idea why he would do that. I just felt there was something more to it. Maybe his ex was really high maintenance and wanted him to pay for it? Maybe he thinks that kind of women are superficial? I dunno and will never know.

Yes that is a positive. And funny thing, I subscribed to a relationship coach and today got an email from him saying: 

"Think Your Tone in Text Matters? Tone isn’t that big of a consequence. Tone just has the ability to make you sound really unattractive and hurt by something. Tone has the potential to show someone that they have total power over your emotions. You have a standard, and that standard is you’re a great person. You’re a kind person. You’re a positive person.

And so when someone does something that doesn’t meet your standard, you don’t become a mean, passive-aggressive, obnoxious, difficult, nasty, snippy person. You stay sweet and kind and positive and warm, but your actions tell the story of the consequences.

That’s the most powerful part of dating."

Lesson learned.

Edited April 21, 2020 by ladybug2021

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

And so when someone does something that doesn’t meet your standard, you don’t become a mean, passive-aggressive, obnoxious, difficult, nasty, snippy person. You stay sweet and kind and positive and warm, but your actions tell the story of the consequences.
 

Exactly!  Sounds like a great dating coach!  xx

Edited April 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gr8fuln2020]

It has been my policy that if someone persists in a narrative or action that has already been defined and communicated as unacceptable, there is more going on and being 'soft and cuddly' is not necessarily going to get the message across, but preferable. I just chalk it up to the guy being intimidated and feeling that the OP was 'too serious.' [hmmm...where have I heard this before?]

[ladybug2021]

14 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

It has been my policy that if someone persists in a narrative or action that has already been defined and communicated as unacceptable, there is more going on and being 'soft and cuddly' is not necessarily going to get the message across, but preferable. I just chalk it up to the guy being intimidated and feeling that the OP was 'too serious.' [hmmm...where have I heard this before?]

I didn't say I have to be soft and cuddly. What I mean is I could have asked him "what do you mean by saying I am spoiled since you mentioned it several times', instead of stating how I feel about what he said.

Although I don't agree with some replies saying it was too soon on the dating process to address it, because I felt I needed to say something, I feel I could have address it differently, that's it.

Yes I also feel there's more to it, and that's also probably one of the reasons he blocked me, because he didn't want to address it.

I think it all comes down to we are not compatible.

[simpycurious]

52 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Exactly!  Sounds like a great dating coach!  xx

It seems that good coaches are increasingly hard to find.  I wonder if the problem is NOT the one coaching but rather the one being coached.  

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Yes I also feel there's more to it, and that's also probably one of the reasons he blocked me, because he didn't want to address it.

 

OR, perhaps he has the same dating coach as you, and allowed his actions (blocking you) to speak for themselves, without saying a word.

Which imo you should have done, after realizing he didn't meet "your" standards. 

Block, delete, move on to the next.  No need to say a word.

Your silence will say much more than your words ever will in situations like this.

 

Edited April 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

47 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

I have no idea why he would do that. I just felt there was something more to it. Maybe his ex was really high maintenance and wanted him to pay for it? Maybe he thinks that kind of women are superficial? I dunno and will never know.

Yes that is a positive. And funny thing, I subscribed to a relationship coach and today got an email from him saying: 

"Think Your Tone in Text Matters? Tone isn’t that big of a consequence. Tone just has the ability to make you sound really unattractive and hurt by something. Tone has the potential to show someone that they have total power over your emotions. You have a standard, and that standard is you’re a great person. You’re a kind person. You’re a positive person.

And so when someone does something that doesn’t meet your standard, you don’t become a mean, passive-aggressive, obnoxious, difficult, nasty, snippy person. You stay sweet and kind and positive and warm, but your actions tell the story of the consequences.

That’s the most powerful part of dating."

Lesson learned.

Yeah, sometimes a couple bumps up against the belief system that a person has. In other words, it may have less to do with YOU but an inherent belief that this guy hold about such and such and he perceived as he was learning more about you that you fell into some category that he has an inherent bias against.  No person you meet is a truly blank slate and thus everything they do and say toward you comes via the filter of their own belief system and experiences.  That's why it's just most efficient and harmonious to go after someone who filters things most similar to you. Or that you complement each other--which usually means that you have same core values and beliefs and is neutral enough or positive about those other things.

I think you are lucky you found this out in such a short time  and without much investment in him. You sound like you have a good perspective onto what the future will be.  That's kind of why I kept saying to look at your part--without doing so adequately a person can become hyper-biased and bitter themselves.  I think if you look at the sequence of events: that he said those spoiled comments to you but did not block you, and then only blocked you once you called him inappropriate, you can see that that was the catalyst for his loss of interest (on his end).  That said, things are cumulative so maybe it was the tipping point.  And that said, perhaps his negging if that's what it was, inability to discuss conflict or one-sidedness of voicing an opinion would have eventually grated on you--as I imagine it would have and certainly not been a match for you as it's the way you see your life going and your standard for a healthy and progressing relationship.  Sometimes it's important to realize that you got to the right conclusion, ie that you are not right for each other; it may have sucked that he got there first, but ultimately I feel pretty sure you would have decided the same thing or wasted a lot of time with someone you eventually decided that was how it was.  I think it will help to see the humor and if you are unapologetic about who you are as in "outspoken" or whatever positive connotations come from how you handled that situation, then laugh and embrace and own them.  lol, like "remember that time I put that guy in his place for calling me spoiled".   Some lessons, some reinforcement.  

Definitely a)some guys like girls that call them out, especially like it  b) also some guys do worry that your spending habits will become their problem; they may have a more traditional outlook on life and relationships, which isn't a bad thing, it's just perspective.  They worry about it or don't like it because they intend on providing or being the more financially responsible one in the relationship.  It may just be how they are wired.  In that way he was premature about worrying about it but still people have the right to be cautious and evaluate how they get into a relationship and with who in whichever way suits them really.

[simpycurious]

46 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OR, perhaps he has the same dating coach as you, and allowed his actions (blocking you) to speak for themselves, without saying a word.

Which imo you should have done, after realizing he didn't meet "your" standards. 

Block, delete, move on to the next.  No need to say a word.

Your silence will say much more than your words ever will in situations like this.

 

Isn't that most always the case....."actions speak louder than words."

[ladybug2021]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

OR, perhaps he has the same dating coach as you, and allowed his actions (blocking you) to speak for themselves, without saying a word.

Which imo you should have done, after realizing he didn't meet "your" standards. 

Block, delete, move on to the next.  No need to say a word.

Your silence will say much more than your words ever will in situations like this.

 

Yes probably it should have been me blocking and deleting first without saying a word, and I have done it with some guys that are rude to me online.

In this case I thought we developed a friendship already as we’ve had many conversations about personal stuff and some really vulnerable too.

We even cried together once as we were so stressed about this lockdown stuff. 

So I guess you can understand why in this case I felt I wanted to talk to him and be honest about how I feel instead of just blocking and deleting.

And that’s why I was shocked he did it without saying a word.

But yes better to find out now how he is instead of further down the road.

Edited April 21, 2020 by ladybug2021

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Yes probably it should have been me blocking and deleting first without saying a word, and I have done it with some guys that are rude to me online.

In this case I thought we developed a friendship already as we’ve had many conversations about personal stuff and some really vulnerable too.

We even cried together once as we were so stressed about this lockdown stuff. 

So I guess you can understand why in this case I felt I wanted to talk to him and be honest about how I feel instead of just blocking and deleting.

And that’s why I was shocked he did it without saying a word.

But yes better to find out now how he is instead of further down the road.

I'm sorry LB, I understand and yes blocking does seem rather harsh as it appeared you became quite close. 

Just remember everything happens for a reason; perhaps you might consider this a sort of blessing in disguise. 

Have you been chatting with any other men you like? 

Edited April 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[ladybug2021]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm sorry LB, I understand and yes blocking does seem rather harsh as it appeared you became quite close. 

Just remember everything happens for a reason; perhaps you might consider this a sort of blessing in disguise. 

Have you been chatting with any other men you like? 

You know last year I had a relationship with a guy where things happened really fast between us and then we started to clash and I remember telling him we skipped the friendship part and really knowing each other.

Now with this guy I felt we were becoming good friends and I felt it was exactly this friendship part I missed with the other guy.

And I was really happy enjoying the friendship, without expectations. I was feeling like after we meet in person even if there is no romantic spark that’s fine because just this friendship is good enough to keep.

And I guess that’s why I also felt I could be honest with him and tell him how I feel about what he said, because of that friendship and because we had vulnerable conversations and were honest and vulnerable about personal stuff.

Yes maybe it was a blessing in disguise, but it is harsh. 

I did meet another guy and am talking to him and is nice, but is not easy to find a connection with someone.

Edited April 21, 2020 by ladybug2021

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

I did meet another guy and am talking to him and is nice, but is not easy to find a connection with someone.

I know I hear ya, for me it's "very" rare.  

It really sounds like something got lost in translation and it's a real shame you're unable to talk and clear the air, given how close you became.

I recall another poster (male) suggesting he may have felt like you were rejecting him, it's possible.  

I mean you said he shed tears over the covid situation, only a very sensitive man would do that imo.

I know others might disagree, but would you ever consider reaching out on FB, telling him you're confused by his block?

Yes it's showing a certain amount of vulnerability on your part, would you be comfortable with that? 

Given all your previous conversations, the tears, and how close you became, him suddenly turning demon just doesn't add up.

Just a thought, somehow although it was only on line, this experience may haunt you if you don't at least try to get some closure. 

You have nothing to lose, but your call. 

Edited April 21, 2020 by poppyfields