He blocked me all of a sudden

[Versacehottie]

Here are some of the problems I noticed above:

*you've been talking non-stop with someone (lockdown or no lockdown) it's probably going to be a momentum killer.

*you both are acting somewhat like boyfriend/girlfriend expectations and you haven't even met yet.

*you are both doing the majority (all?) of this talking over text/whatsapp, including what is a more serious, confrontational subject

*while I won't get into why he sucks etc as I'm sure others have covered it & what really matters is what you can learn for future going forward from this: is there probably was a false sense of togetherness on one side where you felt like it was ok to call him out on that subject.  In his mind: a)he was probably slightly flirting even if it was clunky b) you took it to level 10 and made a big deal out of little & with a bad approach.  He was still in the first date mode where you both at least put the formalities on of both being appropriate, not a lot of drama, ie look to see the good in people.  If you believe they misstepped but not sure, find a gentler way of calling them out or better yet, clarifying.

*one of the biggest things guys like to have is their ego intact--ego comes from a lot of sources; right or wrong, in his perspective you attacked him for being "inappropriate" amongst some light teasing.  If it was annoying to the point that you no longer have respect for him, maybe you are getting to know him where you would realize this is someone you are not interesting in dating (ie immature, buffoon).

*back again to the nonverbal communication, this is exactly why you should have more serious conversations in person, wait to invest in a person until you actually meet them and build some real intel on your true chemistry, as well as if an in person connection was established you might have "known" him to the extent that you would've understood his humor, teasing (or if he was just anti and a jerk).

*as far as trying to get back in, I wouldn't advise it. His reaction is telling: it's either extremely immature OR you offended him that much to the point of no return.  More importantly, it feels like your base values and communication skills are not in sync. 

I'm sorry & congratulations on making your own way for the nice things you have  Good luck

Edited April 19, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Realitysux]

So log on and find someone else to talk to! Everyone assumes everyone is the same. If he was going to get mad and block you for that then he isn't who you thought he was. 

[simpycurious]

55 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Which is exactly the point.  It wasn't your intention to sound scolding, just as it may not have been his intention to sound snarky and offend you.

I'm not even quite sure why you were offended, so what if you grew up a bit spoiled?

My dad spoiled me until the day he died and I was in my early 30s!

I had my own home, my own career, my own money but he still liked to spoil me sometimes.

I never took offense when a man teased me or made some wisecrack about it, I owned it!  And we'd have a good laugh. 

Or perhaps you weren't spoiled, all the more reason to laugh about it versus feeling offended. 

Jmo but life is too short to become bent over one silly comment whether meant as a joke or not.  Especially now as we all deal with the corona crisis.

Anyway, it's over and done.  Plenty more fish in the sea. 

 

 

It's utterly ridiculous to THINK that it's NOT acceptable to spoil someone you care about.  I could careless if someone thinks it's extravagant or over the top.  It's simply not there business. 

[spiderowl]

There are a few things that went wrong here.  He teased you (or insulted you) - it's hard to know which.  You felt upset and reacted with anger when he sensed you were being quiet.  You could have said something like 'I don't understand why you think I am spoiled, I feel hurt by that'.  Instead, your reaction was angry - 'I am pissed off ...'.  Few people can cope with anger so early in a relationship, however justified it might be.  The next mistake was that he reacted badly and cut you off everywhere - this was also an 'angry' reaction, which is why it hurt you so much - it was a shock.

What to do next?  Well I don't think you should have to 'make up' with him, especially as he gave you no chance to do that.  He could have apologised and he didn't.  He sounds very immature, probably does not know how to handle things at all.  Either that or he thinks you may be an angry sort of person and he knows he cannot cope with that.

It sounds like you are both inexperienced.   You might want to reconsider how you reacted and he should reconsider his assumptions about you, his projections about you being 'high maintenance' and his lack of willingness to acknowledge any part in the whole misunderstanding, if you could call it that.

Communications are rarely just what they seem to be on the surface.  The unconscious mind interferes with communication, sending its own messages.  I think you spotted his unconscious aggression and reacted angrily to it.  He is not willing to acknowledge it or he is unaware.  Either way, something like this would have happened at some point.

The thing is, how would you feel if he unblocked you?  He may well do this after reflecting a while?  There may be a way back into this relationship at that point if you wanted it.  I would not advise it because I think the same thing will happen again further along the line.  You'd both need to talk about his way of reacting so that it was clear he couldn't do this again.

People bond when they overcome disagreements and then find they still want to spend time with each other.  This may be over now but if he comes back, please think very seriously about whether you want to engage with someone who deals with conflict like this.

 

 

Edited April 20, 2020 by spiderowl

[Realitysux]

5 hours ago, simpycurious said:

I will say that SPOILING a lady (in my case) is a very profound guilty pleasure.  It can involve a wide variety of things.  I don't think ANYTHING is considered "too high maintenance" in that regard.

It seems like you're over compensating for something. You should post your story. You mention a lady cutting your hair in another post but you should elaborate on your situation a bit. I am curious and I would like to know. 

Edited April 20, 2020 by Realitysux

[trackday]

19 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

Hi guys!

I've just had a situation yesterday with the guy I met online and have been talking since March and I'm quite confused about it.

We met on a well known dating app, exchanged a few words and then moved to WhatsApp. We had the same sense of humor and interests so we started talking non-stop every day. We went on lockdown so didn't have a chance to meet in person but wanted to do that when all goes back to normal.

So I think we both felt some romantic spark between us, but we agreed that we are only friends until we meet in person and see how we feel.

Last week he said something I didn't like even if he was joking. He said that from my lifestyle that I must have been really spoiled from my parents (I like to do my nails, wear nice clothes, do my hair, go to nice places, etc). I said to him not really, I started to work really young so I can give all nice things to myself so I am not spoiled by my parents or anyone. But he continued to say the same but using humor, so I didn't know if he was joking or serious, but I found his remarks to be inappropriate.

We continued talking but I withdraw a little from him and talked less because I was trying to understand if I should tell him I didn't like it or just ignore it.

So on Saturday he asked me if something was wrong because he was feeling me distant, and I told him these words:

"That thing you said I must be really spoiled it did pi** me off a little because I feel it was inappropriate".

So, after I said these words to him, he responded nothing, and after about 5 hours he was gone. He blocked me on WhatsApp, unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me on Instagram too. And was gone from the dating app too.

I am stunned by this.

I told him the truth about how I feel not to have an argument with him,  but to try understand why he said that and to solve things, after all I was into him and wanted to get to know him.

So I was really shocked that he blocked me without any conversation, nothing, after many weeks talking to each other and developing a friendship.

It makes me feel what's the point!? What's the point in meeting someone if I  can't talk honestly without having the other person running away?

Was I wrong for being honest with him about how it made me feel? Why did he blocked me and walked away like that?

Now I miss talking to him and am confused. Can you guys give me some insight?  Thank you!

 

I'm sorry to hear your struggling, but you're a victim of our time. Relationships that work, (not many) are based on shared core values, NOT as you say interests and humor.

[trackday]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

There are a few things that went wrong here.  He teased you (or insulted you) - it's hard to know which.  You felt upset and reacted with anger when he sensed you were being quiet.  You could have said something like 'I don't understand why you think I am spoiled, I feel hurt by that'.  Instead, your reaction was angry - 'I am pissed off ...'.  Few people can cope with anger so early in a relationship, however justified it might be.  The next mistake was that he reacted badly and cut you off everywhere - this was also an 'angry' reaction, which is why it hurt you so much - it was a shock.

What to do next?  Well I don't think you should have to 'make up' with him, especially as he gave you no chance to do that.  He could have apologised and he didn't.  He sounds very immature, probably does not know how to handle things at all.  Either that or he thinks you may be an angry sort of person and he knows he cannot cope with that.

It sounds like you are both inexperienced.   You might want to reconsider how you reacted and he should reconsider his assumptions about you, his projections about you being 'high maintenance' and his lack of willingness to acknowledge any part in the whole misunderstanding, if you could call it that.

Communications are rarely just what they seem to be on the surface.  The unconscious mind interferes with communication, sending its own messages.  I think you spotted his unconscious aggression and reacted angrily to it.  He is not willing to acknowledge it or he is unaware.  Either way, something like this would have happened at some point.

The thing is, how would you feel if he unblocked you?  He may well do this after reflecting a while?  There may be a way back into this relationship at that point if you wanted it.  I would not advise it because I think the same thing will happen again further along the line.  You'd both need to talk about his way of reacting so that it was clear he couldn't do this again.

People bond when they overcome disagreements and then find they still want to spend time with each other.  This may be over now but if he comes back, please think very seriously about whether you want to engage with someone who deals with conflict like this.

 

 

Sound advice, Can I suggest you read this post again.............

[bradt93]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

There is nothing bad or wrong with pampering yourself - heck I am one of the most high maintenance chicks around when it comes to that stuff!

Spas, facials, nails, hair etc.  I love all that girly stuff. 

I recall chatting with a man online (a few actually) who liked to tease me about it, I didn't take offense at all.

I pay for it all myself, but yah I am a bit spoiled, I own it!! 

One guy teased me about being "high maintenance" and I responded  "You bet I am!  More than you know!  LOL" followed by a double wink.

I just own it, nothing to be ashamed about or take offense too.

Ended up dating the guy for around  nine months. 

I like the girly women a little more, I don't know why. The tom boyish women likes to do many redneck things I'm uncomfortable with lol.

[chillii]

So it was only a day.

If your still interested give it a wk , he'll probably pop up again but he sounds like a bit of a brat himself actually , doing this over that.

[basil67]

Sounds like he was 'negging' you.   You didn't try to plead your case to make yourself look better to him, so his game didn't work.  

Edited April 20, 2020 by basil67

[ladybug2021]

Guys, your replies really gave me food for thought,  thank you so much.

This wasn't the first time actually that he said something like that. When we started talking he asked the usual questions "what do you like to do" and I told him travel, beach, cinema, etc, and also told him I like to pamper myself, to which he referred as "spoiled" for the first time. It made me cringe but as we were started to get to. know each other, I simply responded to him "well I worked hard at my job for many years so I can now do those things I like", and didn't bother much with it.

Then last week he came at me again with that, and this time I took it as a red flag. I've met guys who would say things like "good for you", or "you deserve to spend your money in things you enjoy", etc. This calling me spoiled now made me question his intentions and it didn't smell right.

From what he told me, he also spends a lot of money monthly on his bike. So what's the difference from pampering his bike to me pampering myself? We both work hard and spend money in things we enjoy, simple. But I just told him "that's great you can enjoy the things you love in life", I didn't call him anything bad, or "joke" with his lifestyle.

I dunno, I felt it was mean. It made me feel like "high school remarks" if you know what I mean.

And that's probably why I called him out on it. I was actually very soft and nice when I called him out. I didn't tell him I was 'piss** off" like I said to you guys here. I just told him I didn't like it and found it inappropriate. 

Some of you say it was too much drama too soon because it is the very early stages of dating, but to me I see it as being honest and get to know him more. He also told me many things that could be considered too early for this stage of dating, like very personal things. 

Anyway, if he wants to talk again, I'm open to talk to him, but I don't think I will continue dating him or even meet in person after this reaction of his in blocking me. Either way, I am not going to contact him again.

[ladybug2021]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like he was 'negging' you.   You didn't try to plead your case to make yourself look better to him, so his game didn't work.  

Yes, that's exactly how it felt to me. I felt his intentions behind it and that's why I was pis*** off. 

I can feel the difference between pure banter and having some off intentions behind something they say.

A friend of mine said to me that if I felt that, it should have been me blocking him on the spot and not even making conversation about it with him. Because this sort of people do not like direct conversations. 

It's just not my type to block and delete without talk to the person, but I guess live and learn.

Edited April 20, 2020 by ladybug2021

[basil67]

Ladybug, you'd have to be bored out of your mind to justify talking with him again.  Block him in return so that he can't contact you.

[ladybug2021]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Ladybug, you'd have to be bored out of your mind to justify talking with him again.  Block him in return so that he can't contact you.

Already done

[Miss Spider]

I think you overestimate how similar you sense of humor is to his. When you took his comment too seriously, he decided you guys weren't a match and didn't want to talk to you anymore. This does not mean you there isn't a point to being yourself or talking to people. It means that this one individual was not a match for you.

[Versacehottie]

6 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

Guys, your replies really gave me food for thought,  thank you so much.

This wasn't the first time actually that he said something like that. When we started talking he asked the usual questions "what do you like to do" and I told him travel, beach, cinema, etc, and also told him I like to pamper myself, to which he referred as "spoiled" for the first time. It made me cringe but as we were started to get to. know each other, I simply responded to him "well I worked hard at my job for many years so I can now do those things I like", and didn't bother much with it.

Then last week he came at me again with that, and this time I took it as a red flag. I've met guys who would say things like "good for you", or "you deserve to spend your money in things you enjoy", etc. This calling me spoiled now made me question his intentions and it didn't smell right.

From what he told me, he also spends a lot of money monthly on his bike. So what's the difference from pampering his bike to me pampering myself? We both work hard and spend money in things we enjoy, simple. But I just told him "that's great you can enjoy the things you love in life", I didn't call him anything bad, or "joke" with his lifestyle.

I dunno, I felt it was mean. It made me feel like "high school remarks" if you know what I mean.

And that's probably why I called him out on it. I was actually very soft and nice when I called him out. I didn't tell him I was 'piss** off" like I said to you guys here. I just told him I didn't like it and found it inappropriate. 

Some of you say it was too much drama too soon because it is the very early stages of dating, but to me I see it as being honest and get to know him more. He also told me many things that could be considered too early for this stage of dating, like very personal things. 

Anyway, if he wants to talk again, I'm open to talk to him, but I don't think I will continue dating him or even meet in person after this reaction of his in blocking me. Either way, I am not going to contact him again.

a) there are people that have an inherent bias toward other people who have money that is really really set. 

b) there is also apparently a bias in this guy toward what he feels is worthwhile to spend money on (his bikes) vs what you like to spend money on (aka probably frivolous in his mind)--who wants to take on that argument for the rest of your lives together??? especially if you can't make it to date one.

c) he could just have a really limited outlook

d) still most people don't like confrontation at that stage that you did and with whatever tone.  You classify it as being honest and he probably classifies it as drama and high-maintenance. Right or wrong, he may have considered some of the things you like to do with you money, assumptions that it was handed to you rather than earned, also as high-maintenance and something he's not up for.  I've definitely heard a good percentage of guys who are specifically opposed to a girl that is "high-maintenance" and the only criteria they use to determine this is some of the surface things you mention.  Whether they are wrong or right doesn't matter, it's their perception and a fair standard on which to base one's attraction.  Just like you might not like a sloppy guy or one who values others things in life that don't match with yours.  It makes sense in the long run--after all, let's say travel or beauty is a huge interest of yours and this guy would never really appreciate it or understand it really.  It just means he's comes to the conclusion a lot sooner than you did that you aren't well-suited to each other.

e) that said, there are lots of other guys who love a girl who pampers herself etc.  They enjoy the result; they are fascinated by the process. In the best possible way, they feel especially like they've landed a prize with this type of girl (vs an equally beautiful but low maintenance when it comes to pampering type girl).  It's feminine etc for them and they love it.  I'm not entirely convinced that he wasn't teasing (since you couldn't really know the "tone" over messaging) meaning he also was curious, impressed by it and that you didn't just take it the wrong way (and that he wasn't clunky about it)---but bottom line, find yourself a guy who appreciates you as you are  good luck

Edited April 20, 2020 by Versacehottie

[preraph]

I agree with everyone.  When you find a guy who isn't a good fit for you, don't just try to make them fit.  Just find one who is a better match.  

[kendahke]

23 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

Was I wrong for being honest with him about how it made me feel? Why did he blocked me and walked away like that?

No. He asked you a question and you answered it.

Most likely, he didn't like being told that his "humor" is toilet--and he was a shallow git from the get go who most likely feels intimidated by how you comport yourself. That "joke" was his way of tearing you down/negging you to make the field seem even to him.

You didn't lose much. He would have kept on with his "I feel so intimidated" campaign and this would have ground to a halt eventually.

[kendahke]

Teasing and negging are two completely different animals and have two complete different geneses.

Negging is a form of mental abuse and manipulation. It's only done by insecure people who are intimidated by capable people or those they feel are more accomplished than they are.

The only way negging works is when the target is insecure and needy.  The second it comes up is when you address it directly and get an understanding that it won't be tolerated.

[Miss Spider]

But how can you tell the difference in this case? It seems to me he was just teasing her and he didn't have a good read on the fact it was a touchy subject for her and so he saw her reaction as an overreaction and so blocked her. This seems to happen a lot. TBH, I am spoiled af and though it wouldn't really appeal to me to be teased about it, it's definitely not something I would be offended by. I might even joke back. I don't see being spoiled as a bad thing.Yes my parents loved me and lavished me. And what?

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, kendahke said:

No. He asked you a question and you answered it.

Most likely, he didn't like being told that his "humor" is toilet--and he was a shallow git from the get go who most likely feels intimidated by how you comport yourself. That "joke" was his way of tearing you down/negging you to make the field seem even to him.

You didn't lose much. He would have kept on with his "I feel so intimidated" campaign and this would have ground to a halt eventually.

I have really like your posts @kendahkeand agree with most, but ^this one wasn't fair imo.

The reality is we have no idea why he made the comment or whether it was a tease or something worse, or what he liked or didnt like about OP's reaction. 

I think it's really as simple as what cookie said - he realized you weren't a match and blocked. 

Before the first meet, imo this is fine, I've done it myself plenty. 

I mean what's to discuss or sort out?  You realize after chatting a bit someone isn't for you, you don't want to talk anymore, so you block them, the end.

I'm wondering to the OP, would you have felt better if, after you "scolded" him telling him his comment was inappropriate, he sent a text saying, "sorry, realize we're not a match, take care"?

To me, his silence, his blocking, said the same thing without the awkwardness of an official ending. 

You were only onine chatting after all, you'd never even met or had a date, so I actually think what he did was fine. 

Edited April 20, 2020 by poppyfields

[kendahke]

Just now, poppyfields said:

I think

I think differently.

[Miss Spider]

Also if he was going by the rulebook that negging stems from, wouldn't he have seen her comment as positive he was "getting to her" or his neg was working...at least not have blocked her? Or is there a different way they act when it's successful. I don't know. This stuff all sounds dumb.

[kendahke]

5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

But how can you tell the difference in this case?

This:

8 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

This wasn't the first time actually that he said something like that. When we started talking he asked the usual questions "what do you like to do" and I told him travel, beach, cinema, etc, and also told him I like to pamper myself, to which he referred as "spoiled" for the first time.

 

8 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

Then last week he came at me again with that,

If it was teasing, more than likely it would have been a one-off. But he came back around a second time with the same thing. That's a pattern now.

Edited April 20, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

wouldn't he have seen her comment as positive he was "getting to her" or his neg was working...at least not have blocked her?

it intimidated him into running away instead of saying "oh, I didn't mean it the way you're taking it"/"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant"/"no, I think it's great you do that--I was just having some fun with ya..."  Instead, he ran instead of sacking up and clearing the air.