Why was I ghosted? - need male insight but welcome all replies!

[kween321]

Where the hell do I start. So after 2+ years of being single and having zero interest in dating, I finally give this dating app a go for the first time ever.

I didn't take it too seriously, just seeing what's out there. Quickly went on a few dates that ultimately went nowhere.

I got tired of going on fruitless dates and decided that I just wanted a nice FWB arrangement and matched with this guy I had an instant connection with via messages. So I was the one that proposed a potential FWB arrangement and he invited me to his house so I presume it's also what he wanted.

However, before I had even met him he chatted with me everyday, giving me a running commentary of his day. Good morning texts, talking about his friends and his kids etc etc. From previous experience I learned that guys do this stuff to make you feel comfortable enough to have sex with them so I told him it wasn't necessary to chat to me so much - it was pretty much a done deal - I didn't want to invest all this time and effort chatting to someone that I might not even like in person and I didn't expect him to either. So he toned down the chatting but insisted that's not why he was chatting to me, he just enjoyed talking to me. Anyway.

Long story short, we met up and it was amazing. We connected physically and emotionally and enjoyed each others company.

So we were seeing each other - he's chatting to me more again which now I don't mind because I know I like him and want to continue seeing him. He would tell me how much he liked me and wanted to see me more often and even implied that I could be around his kids! Which I kinda just laughed off. I had no intention of ever meeting his kids but I did say I liked him too and that it was kind of important if we were going to continue our arrangement. Anyway, we're seeing each other every week for about a month because that's all I had time for. The last time I saw him was before this whole coronavirus lockdown thing happened. He didn't get in contact with me for a whole week afterwards so I messaged him just saying "hey". He didn't message back until the next day which was unusual. He said "hey babe I've just been really busy with work, crazy times, hope you're well baby". It seemed a little dismissive to me and kinda stuff... he could have easily sent that sooner no matter how busy he was. So I just said "yeah same here, take care".

We didn't talk for almost 2 weeks after that until I posted a picture of myself on Instagram and he dm'd me saying "jesus you're beautiful". So at this point I feel like I'm being breadcrumbed big time so I just say "thanks buddy". A week later he posted a funny meme and I  double-tapped it out of habit and he dm'd me making small talk about the meme... again no asking me how I am or anything, no addressing his lack of contact. So my replies were short and the convo ended quickly.

I'm confused... what's going on.. what happened? How does he go from gushing over me and me being the more chill one, to him just pretty much ghosting me... I'm not heartbroken, I guess my ego is bruised and I just want to know why someone would waste my time like that? And NO - I wasn't expecting MORE from him - just some consistency would have been nice.

Is this what guys do? Is this dating?  I'm jaded already. Sorry for the novel.

Edited April 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[K.K.]

Yea, I think this is what they do. Not out of some kind of malice. But it just happens. I’ve been thinking about this a lot actually.

You remember back in high school when you liked a guy and started the whole thing of daydreaming and waiting for the day to come where you would connect with them? 

Then it comes and for like a month, you’re crazy over them. And them you. Then something somewhere along the line just goes sideways. It could be nothing. You just wake up one day and don’t like them anymore in that way. You were just on a whirlwind of emotions at the time. And it’s not like there’s any hurt or pain. You could even be friends with them and wish them the best. It just sort of runs it course that quickly. 

Maybe that’s what happens in these kinds of situations as well. 

Yes, I do think a lot of people ghost. For one thing, they’re probably no more sure of what went wrong than you are. Maybe they don’t want to completely shut the door on it in case the excitement of the thing returns. Maybe they don’t want any hard feelings so they say nothing. It’s hard to determine what happened here. But I feel for you, sorry this happened. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yes. This happens frequently. But, in this case, it could be because of COVID. He may not see much of a future in the short-term communicating as much because his interest was only physical. If he can’t get any, why waste time communicating. The two of you were only FWBs, so he may not have seen this relationship seriously at all. 

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, kween321 said:

How does he go from gushing over me and me being the more chill one, to him just pretty much ghosting me... I'm not heartbroken, I guess my ego is bruised and I just want to know why someone would waste my time like that? And NO - I wasn't expecting MORE

Sure you were- expecting more. Not at first, but after you decided it was amazing, as you put it, and his over-the-top gushing and constant attention became your new normal. The expectation changed. It changed for him too apparently, but in the other direction. The prospect of new pussy is exciting, and if it comes with romantic feelings multiply it by ten. So his constant texting wasn't just a strategy he was executing... it was motivated by genuine enthusiasm. Then after you get together a few times it's not brand new anymore, and since you've been playing the cool one (unequal energy), he realizes this is not a blossoming new romance, it's just hooking up with someone who is not invested, not reciprocating what he felt at first... so he lowers his expectation, curbs his enthusiasm, and sort of matches your energy. He knows you're available, he knows it's not love, and it's no longer a gotta have it now situation. But it is definitely about expectation––human interaction involves expectation by default. If you're not happy with someone, I'll betcha you have expectations.

 

[Foxhall]

Yes salparadise has summed it up really,

your guy is simply playing you at your own game,

if you are prepared to turn full circle and take an interest in his kids and things, well then you will likely get the attention you now crave,

you cannot have it both ways.

[ChatroomHero]

I have found in the past that when I am interested in someone and they could take me or leave me, if I lose interest because of their lack of interest or them pushing me away to keep me at arm's length, they seem surprised when I eventually lose interest. I have had women express to me that they didn't understand when I lost interest because I was the one that asked them out or I was the one that was really interested. I think some women (men too no doubt) think if a guy shows a good level of interest, he will be bound for life to be stuck in their orbit. It's like you think, this guy is into me and I put in little to no effort so if I put in even just a little more effort he'll be wrapped around my finger.

Someone that has self confidence and is interested in you and you are just, "meh, if I'm bored you can fill a need", is not going to keep the same interest level for long. Eventually even if he wants to hook up again, his interest level will adjust down to yours. It sounds to me like you asked straight up for FWB and made it clear that's all it was going to be, he was more interested and adjusted down and now he is behaving like a FWB. Your interest increased but you both already planned a FWB situation and that will run hot and cold and doesn't really adhere to normal dating logic. You asked for a FWB situation and even though he started off hot he adjusted down to FWB. You basically found exactly what you were looking for.

[smackie9]

It’s very possible he’s protecting his heart. He probably thought he could handle the arrangement but over time his feelings grew so he’s doing the slow fade. Most guys are not going to show vulnerability....they don’t want to come off as a wuss. He has chosen not to say anything and simply move on. 

[ccas93]

On 4/19/2020 at 8:39 AM, ChatroomHero said:

I have found in the past that when I am interested in someone and they could take me or leave me, if I lose interest because of their lack of interest or them pushing me away to keep me at arm's length, they seem surprised when I eventually lose interest. I have had women express to me that they didn't understand when I lost interest because I was the one that asked them out or I was the one that was really interested. I think some women (men too no doubt) think if a guy shows a good level of interest, he will be bound for life to be stuck in their orbit. It's like you think, this guy is into me and I put in little to no effort so if I put in even just a little more effort he'll be wrapped around my finger.

Someone that has self confidence and is interested in you and you are just, "meh, if I'm bored you can fill a need", is not going to keep the same interest level for long. Eventually even if he wants to hook up again, his interest level will adjust down to yours. It sounds to me like you asked straight up for FWB and made it clear that's all it was going to be, he was more interested and adjusted down and now he is behaving like a FWB. Your interest increased but you both already planned a FWB situation and that will run hot and cold and doesn't really adhere to normal dating logic. You asked for a FWB situation and even though he started off hot he adjusted down to FWB. You basically found exactly what you were looking for.

I'm with ChatroomHero and Salparadise. It doesn't seem like you took him at all seriously and that was obvious to him. The fact that it was just your "ego was bruised" and not your feelings hurt says something. He probably thought it was you wasting his time. 

[lurker74]

I think your reaction is all wrong. You should be extremely thankful! You got a month of fun texts and whatnot without the pain and suffering that this DB would have brought to your life. When someone self selects like that, be very thankful. Often times people get months or years down the road before they realize they made a wrong decision at the beginning. 

And you thought you have nothing to be thankful for about a quarantine!  

Edited April 20, 2020 by lurker74
me talk pretty one day

[Miss Spider]

Out come the labyrinthine theories LS drums up..."He has mental problems and was just too scared of his feelings, so he ran to protect his heart"?  I mean wouldn't anyone at least inquire about the other person's feelings before going ghost.  How about the most obvious explanation - The excitement and novelty wore off and he's not getting it anymore thanks to 'rona, so what is the point of keeping in contact with an f buddy right now? 

Edited April 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You basically told him you wanted to be treated as a casual sex object, not like a girlfriend or wife.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

You basically told him you wanted to be treated as a casual sex object, not like a girlfriend or wife.

This. 

You set the goalposts early on, OP. You can't be too surprised that he's backed away. He was looking for something more, it seemed, but you managed down his expectations. It doesn't appear he is genuinely interested in keeping what's only a FWB arrangement alive during this time, so he's not going to invest in further chatting or communication with someone who didn't want to explore further potential with him. 

[elaine567]

Seems to me some women set themselves up as a FWB or "casual" or "nothing serious" or "NSA"  or some other lack lustre usually sexual arrangement with a man, then are disappointed when it fizzles out, goes nowhere or does not end up as a "real" relationship.
Women who are ten a penny and agree to NSA sex are not seen as "relationship material" to many men.
He is not then going to treat you like a gf. Here you actively batted off any suggestion of taking things to a different level.
I know many women do not want to be tied down, they don't want to be "exclusive", they want to leave it "to see where it goes..."
But many men are not going to invest in such a woman, so you need to forget about the gf treatment and he will likely never really see you in that way either.
You set yourself up as the provider of sex which was gratefully received but there was no bond, no connection formed, so in the lockdown he doesn't want or need a penpal.

[ChatroomHero]

On 4/20/2020 at 2:58 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Out come the labyrinthine theories LS drums up..."He has mental problems and was just too scared of his feelings, so he ran to protect his heart"?  I mean wouldn't anyone at least inquire about the other person's feelings before going ghost.  How about the most obvious explanation - The excitement and novelty wore off and he's not getting it anymore thanks to 'rona, so what is the point of keeping in contact with an f buddy right now? 

I'd add to this...generally there is no point in keeping in contact with an F buddy until you want to F. Then you contact them. Then you don't really contact them until you ask if they want to F again. With the lockdown you can't F so you don't need to contact. Your work stress, family trouble, money problems, day to day stuff, save it for your boyfriend. Are you free? I'm free, come over or let me know when you will be free. To me at least that is kind of the point of FWB. When we get together we can talk about and share whatever and be good friends...in between I don't want any of the duties of trying to impress you, worry about your feelings, deal with being mindful, etc. I want to live my life and hear when you are free for sex. Until then, take care of yourself.

[kween321]

I appreciate everyone's feedback. As harsh as some of it is, it makes sense and actually makes me feel better. I was feeling like there was something inherently wrong with me as a person but obviously we just weren't on the same page. I thought I could get all the advantages of being in a serious relationship without actually committing to one. Going forward, if he contacts me again talking about some inane stuff, I'm not gonna be salty to him and if he wants to then I'm in because that's what I wanted in the first place!  I'm actually new to this whole FWB thing so I'm still learning ok!

Edited April 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you're learning that FWB generally does not come with the all the trimmings of a serious relationship - particularly after you've already made it clear that you're not looking to date seriously. This why FWB just doesn't work for some folks. They start expecting more without wanting to commit. Or, one party thinks they can handle strictly casual sex but then they start getting attached. 

Be cautious moving forward, and always keep perspective. If you start expect more from a FWB, ask yourself if you're really cut out for it or if you're just tying to suppress the desire to be with that person. 

[ChatroomHero]

Expat is exactly right and it sounds like you understand the situation. My last fwb will go months without contacting me. I really like her as a person and she is really attractive. I'll text and she won't respond a lot of the time. Then 2 months later she'll reach out and ask to get together. I am not hurt, rejected, etc. when I don't hear from her. I am happy when I hear from her and not rejected when I don't. We'll go to dinner, go on a date or just do our thing. When we are together it's just the fun part of a relationship and after I don't put much thought into it an neither does she.

When the thought pops up I reach out and if I get a response it's great if not I am not really affected in any way. That's the thing, you get the relationship benefits when you are together but not in between. Once you get used to it, it's actually like a weight is lifted off your shoulders knowing you can fill certain needs when they pop up.

[Fletch Lives]

A FWB is a non-serious relationship so what were you expecting? If there is no love, there is no hook to keep them around, you are just another warm body.

[kween321]

13 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

Expat is exactly right and it sounds like you understand the situation. My last fwb will go months without contacting me. I really like her as a person and she is really attractive. I'll text and she won't respond a lot of the time. Then 2 months later she'll reach out and ask to get together. I am not hurt, rejected, etc. when I don't hear from her. I am happy when I hear from her and not rejected when I don't. We'll go to dinner, go on a date or just do our thing. When we are together it's just the fun part of a relationship and after I don't put much thought into it an neither does she.

When the thought pops up I reach out and if I get a response it's great if not I am not really affected in any way. That's the thing, you get the relationship benefits when you are together but not in between. Once you get used to it, it's actually like a weight is lifted off your shoulders knowing you can fill certain needs when they pop up.

Sounds good 

[Juha]

On 4/19/2020 at 5:31 AM, salparadise said:

Sure you were- expecting more. Not at first, but after you decided it was amazing, as you put it, and his over-the-top gushing and constant attention became your new normal. The expectation changed. It changed for him too apparently, but in the other direction. The prospect of new pussy is exciting, and if it comes with romantic feelings multiply it by ten. So his constant texting wasn't just a strategy he was executing... it was motivated by genuine enthusiasm. Then after you get together a few times it's not brand new anymore, and since you've been playing the cool one (unequal energy), he realizes this is not a blossoming new romance, it's just hooking up with someone who is not invested, not reciprocating what he felt at first... so he lowers his expectation, curbs his enthusiasm, and sort of matches your energy. He knows you're available, he knows it's not love, and it's no longer a gotta have it now situation. But it is definitely about expectation––human interaction involves expectation by default. If you're not happy with someone, I'll betcha you have expectations.

 

Ding Ding Ding!!!  We have a winner...

 

Why would he invest anything with you when you are just fwb and with Covid 19 going on there is not much reason to contact you

 

When the virus settles down I would think he would be back in touch to pick up your fwb where it was left off before crap hit the fan

 

He seemed to be interested in dating you, he was contacting you because he liked you and wanted to get to know you

You told him that you only were looking for fwb and threw water on his fire for you.

Now after meeting him you actually like him and have decided to want more than fwb from him

It does not seem all that difficult to understand he is just mirroring you.

 

If you want more then you are going to have to fall on your sword and explain to him that you actually like him when you were 

just wanting fwb but now you actually want to date him, get to know him.

 

If you want this guy you are going to have to get him now.

Time  to pull on your big girl pants

[kween321]

7 hours ago, Juha said:

If you want more then you are going to have to fall on your sword and explain to him that you actually like him when you were 

just wanting fwb but now you actually want to date him, get to know him.

 

If you want this guy you are going to have to get him now.

Time  to pull on your big girl pants

God damn it now you have me questioning my true feelings for this guy.

I must admit I can't quite shake the feeling that I blew it with a good one. I find myself comparing all my other suitors to him and none of them are quite stacking up. Some are more conventionally hot or successful (which is hot to me) but not much of a connection; one I have a great connection with but he's nowhere near as good looking.... he had a good balance of hotness and personality, and had his s*** together.

But it's been a month since we've seen each other and almost 2 weeks since we've even said a word. I feel like too much time has passed and the moments gone... he might be over it by now and just think I'm a weirdo if I suddenly reveal my feelings. Don't you think?

Excuse me if I seem daft but the last time I got in a relationship was 10 years ago when I was young and threw caution to the wind on the regular 
Might put this one in the 'too scary' pile!

[kendahke]

On 4/19/2020 at 2:21 AM, kween321 said:

I'm confused... what's going on.. what happened?

this:

Quote

so I told him it wasn't necessary to chat to me so much - it was pretty much a done deal - I didn't want to invest all this time and effort chatting to someone that I might not even like in person and I didn't expect him to either.

set up this:

On 4/19/2020 at 2:21 AM, kween321 said:

He didn't get in contact with me for a whole week afterwards

He didn't message back until the next day

We didn't talk for almost 2 weeks

A week later he posted a funny meme again no asking me how I am or anything, no addressing his lack of contact.

But you were only down for being eff-buddies, so why does it matter? This is how eff-buddies roll.

 

[Juha]

2 hours ago, kween321 said:

God damn it now you have me questioning my true feelings for this guy.

I must admit I can't quite shake the feeling that I blew it with a good one. I find myself comparing all my other suitors to him and none of them are quite stacking up. Some are more conventionally hot or successful (which is hot to me) but not much of a connection; one I have a great connection with but he's nowhere near as good looking.... he had a good balance of hotness and personality, and had his s*** together.

But it's been a month since we've seen each other and almost 2 weeks since we've even said a word. I feel like too much time has passed and the moments gone... he might be over it by now and just think I'm a weirdo if I suddenly reveal my feelings. Don't you think?

Excuse me if I seem daft but the last time I got in a relationship was 10 years ago when I was young and threw caution to the wind on the regular 
Might put this one in the 'too scary' pile!

One thing is you never know unless you contact him. tell him that you actually like him, and are interested in dating and getting to know him.

Explain it all to him, why you were only looking for a fwb, etc.  You being open about things may sway him to date you if he is not leaning towards that

I would also suggest calling, not texting for this conversation.  You have nothing to lose.

 

Also, I date someone first and if it is not working or can tell we are not feeling it then I suggest fwb if the sex is good and we get along.

 

 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

On 4/21/2020 at 10:41 PM, kween321 said:

I appreciate everyone's feedback. As harsh as some of it is, it makes sense and actually makes me feel better. I was feeling like there was something inherently wrong with me as a person but obviously we just weren't on the same page. I thought I could get all the advantages of being in a serious relationship without actually committing to one. Going forward, if he contacts me again talking about some inane s***, I'm not gonna be salty to him and if he wants to f*** then I'm in because that's what I wanted in the first place!  I'm actually new to this whole FWB thing so I'm still learning ok!

Keep this attitude.

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Keep this attitude.

agreed