Msday91 Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 Am I f (27) second best to his ex? So we are engaged and have been together for two years. He’s had three exes in total. His first girlfriend of four years and he broke up 7 years ago but in our early conversations he once said ‘ nothing really went wrong. It just fizzled out. Had we been older things could’ve been different’. Ever since he said this about a year ago it has not sat well with me and I’ve brought it up a few times. He said that he’s just being mature about the situation and that whatever I’m thinking the opposite it actually true. I can’t really bring it up again as I’ve done so loads of times. I’ve also made very clear I don’t want to be with him if he has any lingering what ifs and to break up with me out of respect but let’s be real, no one would do that. But something in my gut makes me feel like a consolation prize. To be fair my ex was secretly still into his ex and I could totally tell but he always denied it so I don’t know if this is causing me to feel this way in my new relationship, but I’m very cautious about it and it’s making me not put as much effort into my relationship as I actually should be.
schlumpy Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 What could your fiancé do to wipe away your fears that you admit could be self generated due to a situation from a past relationship? Is there a test he can pass? Are you looking for a certain behavior that will let you know everything will be all right? It's a world without guarantees. First off try to look at it sensibly. This is not he same man as your EX. You stated you could see that your EX was not over his past love. Do you see the same pattern in your fiancé or is it a pattern that you are imposing? Where is his EX residing? Does he ever see her or talk with her? Is she currently available. How much do you know about her status? It could be she has no interest in your fiancé at all. Discovering these details may solve your problem but of course what you find out might strengthen suspicions. I believe words can be telling but one single phrase from my lover should not be able to ring the alarm bell unless there are other incidents in the relationship that have accumulated over time. Are there other incidents? I think your first consideration is that this fear that is coming from you. A few sessions with a counselor might bring out the source of your apprehension. If the expense is a problem find a church leader to talk with. They do have some training in counseling and it may be all you need to decide one way or another. 1
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 Yes your past experience is what’s causing your fears. The what ifs are just a passing query and quickly are dismissed. He’s not even thinking about her anymore, his thoughts have moved on. But you on the other hand are obsessing. Let it go. 2
Lorenza Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) A classic case of "should have kept my mouth shut". Nobody should ever give out too many details and analyse their previous relationships together with a new partner. However, when a relationship ends we all have our thoughts on what could have been done differently, what made it go wrong. Doesn't mean we'd go in for another try. It's natural to think it through. I also think me and my first boyfriend would have worked out if we were older and more mature, but it's just an observation. I don't want to go back and try it out with him, its in the past. Edited April 20, 2020 by Lorenza 2
Poutrew Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Wherever you feelings are coming from, don't marry this guy unless you are 100% all in. It sounds to me as though you are not...
Lotsgoingon Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 He's been broken up with her for seven years?! I mean if had broken up with her two years ago, yeah, I wouldn't like the answer. But seven years, that's a long time back. I mean, his body language might not have reassured you when he talked about the ex. One day just ask the questions you want to ask. The important questions are not, "are you over her? Am I a consolation prize?" You want answers to those questions, but you don't ask those questions. You simply ask him to talk about the ex. But ... you will also be expected to talk about an ex. Is there something going on NOW with him such that you are feeling insecure or not treasured? If in the past, I was worried about someone's past going years back, that mean I wasn't feeling it in the relationship.
Miss Spider Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 I think you're just being insecure. "Nothing went wrong. It just fizzled out" means the spark just left/they lost interest. I've broken up with all my exes for that reason and that's how I explain it to romantic partners. Most likely the same with him. Try to be positive.
Starswillshine Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 If he is the same age, that means he was around 20 when they broke up. Take that into consideration. Lots of people break up because they are immature and at a stage in life where commitment doesn't make sense (like being 20) that maybe had they dated later, it could have worked. Or maybe not because they would be different people after growing up some. 1
elaine567 Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 (edited) Quote Posted March 14, 2019 We have been together for 7 months and have had sex 4 times. He has had no issues having sex with his previous partners so he’s told me. And initially he had a ‘ craZy high sex drive Quote Posted March 14, 2019 This is what I said just now It really annoys me that you were ok to have sex with your exes. The fact you said you used to have sex with one every morning in the shower leads me to feel like ****. She basically had the best of you and I’m left with nothing. It feels like you do not desire me. Is this ^^^ still an issue? Edited April 20, 2020 by elaine567 spacing 3
simpycurious Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Starswillshine said: If he is the same age, that means he was around 20 when they broke up. Take that into consideration. Lots of people break up because they are immature and at a stage in life where commitment doesn't make sense (like being 20) that maybe had they dated later, it could have worked. Or maybe not because they would be different people after growing up some. This is very true. One partner wants to go one way while the other partner does not. Lots and lots of break up's at this stage in life OP, you have to have confidence in yourself and what you "bring to the table."
dangerous Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Is this ^^^ still an issue? wow! where did that come from? Another thread?
dangerous Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 5 minutes ago, dangerous said: wow! where did that come from? Another thread? Oh yeh, I've just seen the OP posted a similar thread in January. OP, Nothing seems to have changed since then, or has it?
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