Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

April 28, 2020

D, I thought about this more last night and I'm torn between thinking you should simply try this on, see how it all fits for you.

You might find yourself strongly bonding with his son, and taking pleasure in this new role.

I believe stretching our emotional muscles is a good thing, none of us know what we're capable of.

If you find it's not for you, since you're not married you could always leave.

Then there's the other side of me thinking this might not be in the best interests of his son. To have you swoop in, risking him bonding with you, and if you decide it doesn't work for you, walking away, leaving him more hurt and devastated than he is now.

I don't envy the position you're in, the decisions you'll have to make. But the bottom line imo is that you just won't know how it's going to go down or how you will feel until you're there, at that place of actually fulfilling that role.

Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields

April 28, 2020

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Then there's the other side of me thinking this might not be in the best interests of his son. To have you swoop in, risking him bonding with you, and if you decide it doesn't work for you, walking away, leaving him more hurt and devastated than he is now.

Yes and she could waste literally years being caught up in trying to "fix" him and meanwhile her own childbearing years dwindle away...
She is already 33.
Bringing a new child into this dynamic may not be easily done.

April 28, 2020

D, if your avatar is you, you're very pretty, aren't there any young, single, childless doctors at your hospital wanting to get with you?

I'm serious! Not judging, but why settle for this drama?

You could have your pick! Think of the wonderful life you'd have versus what you're facing now.

Your choice but remember you have options, lots of options.

You're only 33, intelligent, caring and beautiful to boot! Your bf is definitely NOT the only amazing, caring, adoring man out there.

You know that, right?

Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields

April 28, 2020

I think we are out of line advising the OP to walk away, maybe I have missed something but I don't believe that option was put on the table here. If she "wastes" her childbearing years, that is her choice, anyway; that's a ridiculous way to look at life. There are many of us here, me included, who have "wasted" years in a marriage that ultimately ended in divorce. It's pretty unlikely that any one of us is really going to walk away from a person we feel we love in hopes of landing "a nice doctor" or whatever. If OP wanted that, she would not be in this relationship now.

To the OP: Just keep your eyes open and watch out that you do NOT start rationalizing and justifying things that are not good for you in the relationship, deal with them as they come up. I have participated in another thread or 2 of yours and that seems to be a pattern.

Also my advice is to work on that "high maintenance" thing you have going on. Some of that is fine but really it's not a solid defining feature of behavior in a relationship. It's very important how one is treated and how a partner shows their love - but it is actually very, very easy to manipulate people by simply doing acts that trigger specific emotions. That's what "love bombing" is and it's why manipulators succeed.

I don't think your boyfriend is doing this, it's just based on what I see as a pattern for you. Adoring you and putting you on a pedestal are actually not traits of a person, they are only in relationship to you and how you emotionally respond to them. So pay attention to his traits that have zero to do with you, and how he is dealing with his situations MORE than how he gives you thrills. Some of his things do raise flags about what kind of partner he is going to end up being. Not the "run away fast" red flags; they are probably things that can be worked through, but you both have to be conscious that they exist and willing to address them.

April 28, 2020

If you dont try you will never know if you like being a step parent. For me, as a non parent, it was a really bad experience but I am still willing in the futur to try again. Dont forget that the relationship will change when the kid will be involve.

April 28, 2020

NeuvoY, I 100% agree with you; my comment about finding a doctor was sort of tongue n cheek, just my way of reminding D she does have other options.

And as such, should think things through in the exact way you suggested so as to assure herself it's the right and best decision for her in the long term.

Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields

April 29, 2020

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

In my city, every single night at 8:00 pm, there is a big celebration for those working the front lines during the pandemic - doctors, nurses, medical personnel.

We're on lockdown but folks living in the highrises are out on decks, cheering loudly, ringing bells, blowing horns, playing loud music, flashing lights, even the firefighters got involved Sunday night, parading down Market Street downtown in fire trucks, sirens blasting.

Lasts for about 15-30 minutes, every single night, it's quite emotional.

So YES you are appreciated D, very much so!!

Aw thank you! I heard about that! I saw videos of it and it made me cry! So sweet!

I'm loving the emotional support from the public

April 29, 2020

My bf had his son sleep in his own bed last night but his son got up many, many times and cryed to sleep with my bf. I'm pretty sure my bf is still laying in bed with his son until he falls asleep which I think kind of defeats the purpose of having his son sleep in his own bed.

He was very tired today and when we were facetiming his son was acting pretty bratty

My bf said he's worried that his son isn't going to sleep because he "needs" him in bed with him to sleep. I thought, wth? Can't believe my bf thinks his son literally depends on my bf's psychical presence to sleep. Sure, it will be tough at first but come on. His son is 5. I think he's babying him.

I'm kind of doubting his resolve in this because he kind of implied that if his son had school the next day and needed sleep, he would break the new sleeping in his own bed rule.

It will be really hard if he's not consistent with this because I get the feeling his son is already having a tough time even sharing his dad with me when we facetime. He always jumps on top of him and says he needs him downstairs when he doesn't. I just want my bf to nip this in the bud before I really come into the picture which he's doing. Just hope it lasts.

April 29, 2020

9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I think we are out of line advising the OP to walk away, maybe I have missed something but I don't believe that option was put on the table here. If she "wastes" her childbearing years, that is her choice, anyway; that's a ridiculous way to look at life. There are many of us here, me included, who have "wasted" years in a marriage that ultimately ended in divorce. It's pretty unlikely that any one of us is really going to walk away from a person we feel we love in hopes of landing "a nice doctor" or whatever. If OP wanted that, she would not be in this relationship now.

To the OP: Just keep your eyes open and watch out that you do NOT start rationalizing and justifying things that are not good for you in the relationship, deal with them as they come up. I have participated in another thread or 2 of yours and that seems to be a pattern.

Also my advice is to work on that "high maintenance" thing you have going on. Some of that is fine but really it's not a solid defining feature of behavior in a relationship. It's very important how one is treated and how a partner shows their love - but it is actually very, very easy to manipulate people by simply doing acts that trigger specific emotions. That's what "love bombing" is and it's why manipulators succeed.

I don't think your boyfriend is doing this, it's just based on what I see as a pattern for you. Adoring you and putting you on a pedestal are actually not traits of a person, they are only in relationship to you and how you emotionally respond to them. So pay attention to his traits that have zero to do with you, and how he is dealing with his situations MORE than how he gives you thrills. Some of his things do raise flags about what kind of partner he is going to end up being. Not the "run away fast" red flags; they are probably things that can be worked through, but you both have to be conscious that they exist and willing to address them.

Thanks so much for this

Leaving is not an option at this point. As I mentioned before, his good points far out weigh the negatives. I want to see what this is going to be like, evaluate things and put real effort into this before I make any decisions. I couldn't imagine leaving him for the prospect of another wonderful man and I don't want to. I've dated for long, long time. I know I gush about him but everything I'm saying is true and I know from experience, men like him are hard to come by. I really don't feel like I'm settling or trying to force anything. Him having a son is just something that comes along with all this. I might really end up liking his son and enjoying being in his life. You never know.

I do have a bad habit with overlooking deal breakers and rationalizing unacceptable traits or circumstances. That's something I'm working on. My bf doesn't put me on a pedestal in a manipulative or unrealistic way, he's really just a doting person. To his son and to me. I think it's helpful that I've known him in real life for quite some time and not off a dating site because I can evaluate who he is on a different level than I previously was able to do with my exs. There's really no red flags in regards to him, as an individual. He's squeaky clean in that regard. It's his son and his ex who are concerning. I sometimes think it's such a bummer that we couldn't have met before he had his son because as far as the two of us go, we're so well suited for each other. But I really want to see this through.

April 29, 2020

A few thoughts:

- First, hi D373, nice to have you back + glad you've found someone you like.

- 2) Generally, kids need firmness along with love, attention, guidance, etc. Letting the son sleep in the bed so long shows a certain lack of that. Possibly he is compensating for the difficult personality of the xW in this, but it's something to consider. Kids who can walk all over their parents end up as terrors as teenagers I think (although he's got a long time to correct things).

- 3) Although I've never been a step-anything, it seems to me that ability to enforce fair discipline can be granted to you by the Dad. "You're not my real mom." "True, but your Dad said I can take away the iPhone until tomorrow morning if you aren't good, so hand it over." Many kids can easily and fairly be disciplined by taking away privileges they care about such as computer games, etc. There's no law that says a GF or step-parent can't do that if permission is granted by the bio parent. Just be sure to give at least one warning before enacting and to be judicious and fair - no overreacting/venting frustrations by you. They say kids like understanding the boundaries of acceptable behavior and you can have a hand in that too.

- 4) See the xW if you must, she wants to know who's taking care of her kid - understandable. BUT from everything you write your future is pretty much to "be the bad guy" and hated by her. You could be the world's best parent - it won't matter. If she's as bad as you say, you're already the enemy and seeing you will just solidify it for her. I would keep interactions to the absolute minimum, but I strongly suspect it won't matter what you do.

Wish you luck with everything.

April 29, 2020

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

D, I thought about this more last night and I'm torn between thinking you should simply try this on, see how it all fits for you.

You might find yourself strongly bonding with his son, and taking pleasure in this new role.

I believe stretching our emotional muscles is a good thing, none of us know what we're capable of.

If you find it's not for you, since you're not married you could always leave.

Then there's the other side of me thinking this might not be in the best interests of his son. To have you swoop in, risking him bonding with you, and if you decide it doesn't work for you, walking away, leaving him more hurt and devastated than he is now.

I don't envy the position you're in, the decisions you'll have to make. But the bottom line imo is that you just won't know how it's going to go down or how you will feel until you're there, at that place of actually fulfilling that role.

That's just it. I risk hurting his son, I risk being hurt and my bf being hurt because I won't know what I'm dealing with until I'm there.

All I know it I'm going into this with the intentions of being a positive, loving figure in his son's life and being with my bf for the inevitable future. I really want to end up bonding with his son and end up loving him. I don't want to feel any other way about his son. It just might take me awhile to get there because even the adjustments I'm making now, dating a single date (less time together, phone calls interrupted) don't sit well with me tbh.

Stretching my emotional muscles. I like that. Very well put. It's going to be quite the stretch.

April 29, 2020

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

A few thoughts:

- First, hi D373, nice to have you back + glad you've found someone you like.

- 2) Generally, kids need firmness along with love, attention, guidance, etc. Letting the son sleep in the bed so long shows a certain lack of that. Possibly he is compensating for the difficult personality of the xW in this, but it's something to consider. Kids who can walk all over their parents end up as terrors as teenagers I think (although he's got a long time to correct things).

- 3) Although I've never been a step-anything, it seems to me that ability to enforce fair discipline can be granted to you by the Dad. "You're not my real mom." "True, but your Dad said I can take away the iPhone until tomorrow morning if you aren't good, so hand it over." Many kids can easily and fairly be disciplined by taking away privileges they care about such as computer games, etc. There's no law that says a GF or step-parent can't do that if permission is granted by the bio parent. Just be sure to give at least one warning before enacting and to be judicious and fair - no overreacting/venting frustrations by you. They say kids like understanding the boundaries of acceptable behavior and you can have a hand in that too.

- 4) See the xW if you must, she wants to know who's taking care of her kid - understandable. BUT from everything you write your future is pretty much to "be the bad guy" and hated by her. You could be the world's best parent - it won't matter. If she's as bad as you say, you're already the enemy and seeing you will just solidify it for her. I would keep interactions to the absolute minimum, but I strongly suspect it won't matter what you do.

Wish you luck with everything.

Hi! Thanks so much!

Re: the ex, I'm thinking along the same lines as you. That no matter what I do. It's going to be war with her. She's threatened to take their son away from my bf for no reason, just to be difficult. Doing something like that with cause is pretty severe so I'm worried she might do that when I come into the picture because let's be honest... she's not going to like that no matter how chill I am. The statements she's made in regards to me have me worried already.

The whole "I deserve to meet whoever is going to be around my son." I understand the sentiment completely but for her to come right out with a demand, and not a welcoming one has me put off. I don't know if she thinks I'm going to be her punching bag for the sole reason of me being around her son but if she does, she has another thing coming. I won't engage at all if that's the case.

And her telling their son, my bf is looking for a new mommy for him. Wow. I kind of feel like she's pitting her son against me already.

When I met my bf's parents they told me how she lived in their house but would argue with them about the craziest things like the way my bf's dad put the toilet paper on the roll. Jeez. Can't imagine living in my bf's parent's house rent free and arguing with them. My bf's sister disliked her so much she stopped inviting the three of them to any and all family events because I guess his ex was pretty rude to everyone in the family.

The reason why I'm shedding light on these things is because I've heard bad things from many different people who know her and this is a person who's going to be in my life however indirectly. Even another nurse at work who was once her friend pulled me aside and flat out told me to block her on facebook now before I ever meet her. I asked why and she told me about the psychical altercation she's had with other women and was told she's probably already looking at my page. I told her if I didn't know if blocking her was the best idea and if she tried to reach out I just wouldn't respond. But she was adamant that I block her. So I did.

April 29, 2020

On 4/18/2020 at 9:15 PM, Disillusionment373 said:

He wanted to wait 6 to 8 months before I met his son which I think is wise. He's planning on taking us all out to eat or to the park in the summer to meet after COVID passes.

D, I wanted to read through the thread again in case I missed some things, and I missed this^^.

Sweetie, Covid isn't going to pass by the summer, it most likely won't pass until next year.

I don't know where you live but that's how it's gonna be on the east and west coasts of USA where it's hit the hardest.

Wearing facial masks and social distancing will become the "new norm" for a very long time, maybe even until they create a vaccine which they're no where near doing.

Restaurants will remain closed for dine-in, take out only.

Its great you're thinking about these things, but you have time before it plays out.

How are you and bf handling the isolation?

My bf and I are long distance now anyway, but I've heard other couples are really struggling.

I know you're working front lines, please stay healthy and safe!

Edited April 29, 2020 by poppyfields

April 29, 2020

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

D, I wanted to read through the thread again in case I missed some things, and I missed this^^.

Sweetie, Covid isn't going to pass by the summer, it most likely won't pass until next year.

I don't know where you live but that's how it's gonna be on the east and west coasts of USA where it's hit the hardest.

Wearing facial masks and social distancing will become the "new norm" for a very long time, maybe even until they create a vaccine which they're no where near doing.

Restaurants will remain closed for dine-in, take out only.

Its great you're thinking about these things, but you have time before it plays out.

How are you and bf handling the isolation?

My bf and I are long distance now anyway, but I've heard other couples are really struggling.

I know you're working front lines, please stay healthy and safe!

The peak of COVID has passed and we've seen a decline in cases across the country. Quarantine might be lifted by the summer especially with the gov pushing to re-open the country (which I don't agree with) but it is what it is

And thank you!

Edited April 29, 2020 by Disillusionment373

April 29, 2020

Better set those ground rules upfront. Sounds like the new bf could be a little soft which means you’ll end up paying for it if he can’t step up.

Edited April 29, 2020 by Marc878

April 29, 2020

I don’t think the peak has passed. We are about to see a rebound because we are reopening too soon, we are just not sure how bad the rebound will be. This is unfortunately probably the first of many waves...

April 29, 2020

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t think the peak has passed. We are about to see a rebound because we are reopening too soon, we are just not sure how bad the rebound will be. This is unfortunately probably the first of many waves...

Agree, In my city, just yesterday there were literally more than double the amount of new cases as in previous weeks.

And even when quarantine lifts, there will still be restrictions, like masks and social distancing for months, perhaps till next year even, just sayin.

I dunno D, you are a nurse on the front lines, you know your risk is high, I just wouldn't bank on meeting his son this summer, that's all.

So you still have plenty of time to think this through and continue building the relationship with your bf, it's still relatively early days - less than six months?

Good luck D.

Edited April 29, 2020 by poppyfields

April 29, 2020

12 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

And her telling their son, my bf is looking for a new mommy for him. Wow. I kind of feel like she's pitting her son against me already...

The reason why I'm shedding light on these things is because I've heard bad things from many different people who know her and this is a person who's going to be in my life however indirectly. Even another nurse at work who was once her friend pulled me aside and flat out told me to block her on facebook now before I ever meet her. I asked why and she told me about the psychical altercation she's had with other women and was told she's probably already looking at my page. I told her if I didn't know if blocking her was the best idea and if she tried to reach out I just wouldn't respond. But she was adamant that I block her. So I did.

Yeah. Unfortunately this is pretty much the kind of thing to expect from a person like this. So, she's likely to be a perennial thorn in your side until the kid turns 18 or more. However, she doesn't have to be a BIG thorn in your side if you can block, ignore, minimize contact etc as several others have suggested.

April 29, 2020

It’s up to the ex-husband to set clear boundaries with his ex-wife. That’s his job, and if he fails to do that she will overstep and create drama in your lives. Sure, you can ignore and block as you like, but he really needs to step up. I feel like you are getting a glimpse into their lives, the kind of people and parents they are and it’s not particularly pretty. Rose coloured glasses aside, this has the potential to be very complicated and very troublesome. There is always another choice - to say “not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave them to their family drama...

Edited April 29, 2020 by BaileyB

April 29, 2020

May I make a suggestion D? And please know I do have your best interests at heart.

Hold off on meeting his son for a year, until the honeymoon period is over.

This isn't your first rodeo, you know you're in the infatuation stage, it's a given you feel as you do.

But also keep in mind, he is looking for a sort of second mother for his son, a woman to step into that role, and his behaviour towards you, the doting, all the attention, may be playing into that at least on some level. Please don't rule that possibility out.

That's why it's best to wait, to get a clearer more realistic picture before leaping into such a huge commitment as this.

Continue spending time, getting to know each other, seeing each other in different scenarios, and building your connection and relationship.

Just the two of you, for now.

If it's meant to be, then it WILL be and you have plenty of time to find out.

Edited April 29, 2020 by poppyfields

April 29, 2020

25 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But also keep in mind, he is looking for a sort of second mother for his son, a woman to step into that role, and his behaviour towards you, the doting, all the attention, may be playing into that at least on some level. Please don't rule that possibility out.

I suggested that earlier, based on seeing it over and over in custody cases I've read, men trying to keep from having more responsibility for the children change their own lives. She don't want to hear that. If he was only thinking of the child, he wouldn't be introducing a new woman at all because they rarely ever like that and find it confusing. He'd be spending most of his free time with the child.

April 29, 2020

5 hours ago, preraph said:

I suggested that earlier, based on seeing it over and over in custody cases I've read, men trying to keep from having more responsibility for the children change their own lives. She don't want to hear that. If he was only thinking of the child, he wouldn't be introducing a new woman at all because they rarely ever like that and find it confusing. He'd be spending most of his free time with the child.

He spends everyday he has off work with his son. All day and all night. That's the agreement he has with his ex. He has him 3 days a week.

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

May I make a suggestion D? And please know I do have your best interests at heart.

Hold off on meeting his son for a year, until the honeymoon period is over.

This isn't your first rodeo, you know you're in the infatuation stage, it's a given you feel as you do.

But also keep in mind, he is looking for a sort of second mother for his son, a woman to step into that role, and his behaviour towards you, the doting, all the attention, may be playing into that at least on some level. Please don't rule that possibility out.

That's why it's best to wait, to get a clearer more realistic picture before leaping into such a huge commitment as this.

Continue spending time, getting to know each other, seeing each other in different scenarios, and building your connection and relationship.

Just the two of you, for now.

If it's meant to be, then it WILL be and you have plenty of time to find out.

I would never hold off on meeting his son because the whole outcome of all this depends on how his son and I will get along. If I hold off and then meet his son and it doesn't go well, I'll have wasted a lot more time than I had to.

April 29, 2020

Wow ok didn't know that. Makes sense, though I wonder why it's so often advised to wait at least a year to meet kids, in case kid gets attached and the relationship doesn't work out.

I'm also wondering what's not to like or about a 5 year old? Or not get along with?

Do you mean in case you don't fit into the role of stepmom properly? And if not, you're out?

I hope that's not what you mean D, you deserve better than that.

Cause to me, that's not love, that's a man looking for a step mom for his son more than a woman to love and cherish.

I hope I'm wrong, time will tell.

Edited April 29, 2020 by poppyfields

April 29, 2020

20 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

It will be really hard if he's not consistent with this because I get the feeling his son is already having a tough time even sharing his dad with me when we facetime. He always jumps on top of him and says he needs him downstairs when he doesn't. I just want my bf to nip this in the bud before I really come into the picture which he's doing. Just hope it lasts.

What does your boyfriend's son know you as? He is obviously aware of your existence if he's seeing his father facetiming you. Could you be properly introduced at a distance on facetime? You could slowly start building a rapport with him, taking an interest in what he does, his school day, the names of his friends, etc. Keep it light with no pressure so he looks at you in a positive light?

FWIW, I think you're handling as best you can under the cicrumstances. I would not have blocked the mother's boy (because you have had no contact with her yourself directly) but I understand 100% why you wouldn't want to meet her. I don't understand why she wants to meet you, tbh. My kids have been introduced to a string of women by their father; not once have I ever expressed any interest in meeting any of them, even the ones who lasted more than a year. All I want to know is how well they treat my children; that's the extent of the involvement any ex spouse should have with the new partners imo. Friendships could develop in the long term potentially, but initially there is absolutely no reason for you 2 to meet, since you're not actively in her son's life yet. I agree that you are within your rights to hold your ground on this.

As for the little boy's disrupted sleep, this is going to be an ongoing thing. Again, you're right in that your bf has to be consistent. One night will not break a 5 year long habit. Some days will be easier than others, and his father sleeping by his side in his own bedroom is as good a transition as any. It'll slowly get him used to staying in his own bedroom at least. It is entirely doable, but it'll likely take a while.

April 29, 2020

2 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I would never hold off on meeting his son because the whole outcome of all this depends on how his son and I will get along. If I hold off and then meet his son and it doesn't go well, I'll have wasted a lot more time than I had to.

Right, because you wasting your time is the worst outcome here...

Not withstanding the fact that you could be introduced to his son, he could actually bond with you, and then you decide this relationship is not what you want and/or your boyfriend decides it’s not going to work out... that could create issues with attachment for the child. (the sleep and behavioural issues are already suggestive of the possibility of an attachment issue).

The night before my boyfriend told his son that I existed, he sent me a text. It said, “last chance, if you are not sure, you should bail now...” Obviously, there are no guarantees in life. But what he was asking was - if you don’t see this as a long term relationship, you better tell me know... Never would I meet a child if I didn’t know that I was prepared to commit to a relationship.

Edited April 29, 2020 by BaileyB

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