Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

April 25, 2020

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I was thinking the same. D-373, I hope you won't take offense at this, because to me it IS of concern.

You posted you grew up with an abusive father, wiping the stairs with you which actually caused me to feel a bit sick, and I'm so sorry you experienced this.

So as it typically goes with children from abusive homes, as an adult, you are subconsciously drawn and attracted to men like your dad - abusive.

And admittedly that has been your pattern, this hasn't happened by accident, you are choosing these men.

Would it surprise you to know that I, being approx the same age as you, a few years older actually, have never dated an abusive man? Not once and I have dated tons of men and been in several long term relationships.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Anyway, reading a past post about your last ex who turned mentally abusive, early on you described him as being the most loving, caring, patient man you've ever dated, same wonderful qualities you attribute to your current bf.

Please think about this.

The reason I bring this up is because abuse comes in many shapes and forms, and as elaine mentioned above, I cannot help but feel like your current bf is passive-aggressively manipulating your mind into believing you want this - that you want to be a stepmum and disciplinarian.

TBH, I find it appalling that he is even considering placing you in this role, so early on and before you actually become his kid's stepmum, for real.

Most men would never want even their new wives to become the disciplinarian let alone girlfriend, that is outrageous to me.

And you, admitting to not even liking other people's children, does your bf know this?

Combined with his son saying "mommy said you are looking for a new mommy for me." Wow.

None of this sounds healthy nor does you and him bonding over previously failed relationships.

Broken people attract broken people D-373, and there is a big part of me that feels you're heading straight into another potentially abusive situation with a man whose style may be more passive but nevertheless, just as dangerous and insidious.

Yes, I was thinking the same and mentioned it in my post. I could not imagine if and when I get serious with a new man, that I would want him to discipline my daughter. Heck to the no. It's not even something I would be thinking about. This guy just sounds like bad news. Does he even like you for you? It just sounds like he's looking for a live in babysitter.

April 25, 2020

Hello, Dis.

A few observations:

From my perspective, your main issue is not going to be the kid per se.

Throughout this thread you've made references to how your bf "adores" you, treats you "like a queen," is the "most attentive," lusts for you, etc. Your sex life is off the charts. I've read the whole thread and those are the major features of your bf that have stuck with me, besides that he is patient and kind. You require a lot of attention and seem like you enjoy being on a pedestal. I'm not criticizing.

But, reality check: When people have a child, THIS GOES AWAY. Hopefully not forever. In strong relationships, the parents at some point will have figured out how to assimilate parenthood with their personal relationship needs and find balance but it's rough going for most of us for a while.

I speak as a parent. My daughter's mother and I did a good job of keeping the fire alive but the concepts of either one of us being treated like a queen or king and "adoration" were really never a feature of our relationship, even during the lust filled honeymoon days. Neither one of us sought that style of attention. Still, it took actual work to maintain our romantic / sexual / intellectual connection much of the time once our daughter was born.

It's going to be more difficult with a 5 year old who comes with behavioral challenges (understandable and I don't think they're terrible but still) and the tremendous amount of negative baggage around the kid's mother. Plus the reality that you will have zero time with your bf just to yourselves except for after work hours 3/4 days per week.

You're romanticizing to an unrealistic degree with your musings about a "happy family," I think it can be happy but there will be very unromantic YEARS ahead.

Last thing: Please rethink the plan that you will participate in disciplining the child. This is truly not the role of a step parent. I'm a bit concerned that your bf wants you to take on that role.

April 25, 2020

19 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Throughout this thread you've made references to how your bf "adores" you, treats you "like a queen," is the "most attentive," lusts for you, etc. Your sex life is off the charts. I've read the whole thread and those are the major features of your bf that have stuck with me, besides that he is patient and kind. You require a lot of attention and seem like you enjoy being on a pedestal. I'm not criticizing.

But, reality check: When people have a child, THIS GOES AWAY. In strong relationships, the parents at some point will have figured out how to assimilate parenthood with their personal relationship needs and find balance but it's rough going for most of us for a while.

You're romanticizing to an unrealistic degree with your musings about a "happy family," I think it can be happy but there will be very unromantic YEARS ahead.

Last thing: Please rethink the plan that you will participate in disciplining the child. This is truly not the role of a step parent. I'm a bit concerned that your bf wants you to take on that role.

Amen.

As one who is in the same kind of relationship, I completely agree. The child's needs will always come ahead of your own. Always. Date night - dashed because the child has forgotten something and needs to come by the house. Dinner plans - need to change to chicken fingers and fries because you didn't think the child was staying for dinner, but now they will be at your home for dinner. Sex when he has his son, that's not likely to happen - trust me;). A weekend together, doesn't happen because the child's mother is sick and they will be staying with their father. Planned holiday, can't happen because the child needs eye glasses and braces. You name it, your plans are on hold because the child's needs will always come ahead of your own.

Also, I would agree that it's not the role of a step parent to discipline a child that is not their own. If you were the child's mother Dis, would you have a problem with another woman disciplining your child? If I have an opinion about something, I speak with my boyfriend and then he will make the decision. About the only thing I will do is ask the child to put his dishes in the diswasher - and even that didn't happen at first. It's a hard place to be, the role of a step parent is very different than a parent.

Edited April 25, 2020 by BaileyB

April 26, 2020

Are relationships between parents and non-parents doomed to failure? No, absolutely not, Yeah, they are a lifestyle overhaul, but nothing that can't be handled, plus you get to discover a lot about yourself too.

Are they trickier than most? Debatable. I had really bad experiences with non-parent guys, finding time is a hassle anyway when you work but yes, they come with their own set of hassles. Double trouble if you consider kids or a co-parent to be 'baggage'.

Are they borne out of desperation? No. They are borne out of attraction and compatibility, like most other RLs. There are many men in their 30s (and some in their 40s) who don't have kids so it's not like there are no other options.

D373, you are about to take a leap of faith into the unknown; you need to proceed at a pace that you feel comfortable with; chances are other issues will crop up that have nothing to do with the boy or his mother, like any other RL, which you need to prepare yourself for on top of this too.

Be hopeful and mindful at the same time, ie give it a chance and give yourself a chance to step back from it if it gets too much.

April 26, 2020

Parenthood is hard enough when it's your own kid. Throw in the dynamic that it's NOT your kid, therefore you're not as hard-wired to love and overlook things that a parent might and imagine your bf is thrilled to have the kid over unexpectedly while your plans are dashed for the evening. "Sorry babe." LOL (ask me how I know)

April 28, 2020

On 4/25/2020 at 1:02 PM, NuevoYorko said:

Hello, Dis.

A few observations:

From my perspective, your main issue is not going to be the kid per se.

Throughout this thread you've made references to how your bf "adores" you, treats you "like a queen," is the "most attentive," lusts for you, etc. Your sex life is off the charts. I've read the whole thread and those are the major features of your bf that have stuck with me, besides that he is patient and kind. You require a lot of attention and seem like you enjoy being on a pedestal. I'm not criticizing.

But, reality check: When people have a child, THIS GOES AWAY. Hopefully not forever. In strong relationships, the parents at some point will have figured out how to assimilate parenthood with their personal relationship needs and find balance but it's rough going for most of us for a while.

I speak as a parent. My daughter's mother and I did a good job of keeping the fire alive but the concepts of either one of us being treated like a queen or king and "adoration" were really never a feature of our relationship, even during the lust filled honeymoon days. Neither one of us sought  that style of attention. Still, it took actual work to maintain our romantic / sexual / intellectual connection much of the time once our daughter was born.

It's going to be more difficult with a 5 year old who comes with behavioral challenges (understandable and I don't think they're terrible but still) and the tremendous amount of negative baggage around the kid's mother. Plus the reality that you will have zero time with your bf just to yourselves except for after work hours 3/4 days per week.

You're romanticizing to an unrealistic degree with your musings about a "happy family," I think it can be happy but there will be very unromantic YEARS ahead.

Last thing: Please rethink the plan that you will participate in disciplining the child. This is truly not the role of a step parent. I'm a bit concerned that your bf wants you to take on that role.

This is exactly what I'm concerned about. Thanks for your input.

I admittedly, am high maintenance in terms of attention and time. One of the things I love about my bf is that he does dote over me and I've never had that before. I've never had someone who bends over backwards for me. He does that every day. I'm very sweet and a good gf but I can be difficult. He handles me with grace whereas previous bfs never had much patience. He watches what I want on TV, he even keeps up on girly TV shows because he knows I like them so much. He does everything I like in the bedroom and pleases me like I've never had before.

So yeah, things kind of revolve around me at the moment and I'm used to that. But that's not to say I don't give him back the same care and attention. I'm just kind of revelling in this. It's so nice. I'm usually the giver, not the taker.

And soon, all of that will go away. His son will always come first. And the love and bonding time we have with each other will fall by the wayside and I'm not sure how I'll handle that.

I'm dreading how my only days off are going to revolve around his son. The good old days will be behind us. And my time to unwind, on my own which I adore will be gone too.

But at the same time, he's too much of an amazing man to not try to make this work. I see that some posters now are suggesting his pulling a fast one on me. Which is fine. This is a forum and I'm open to everyone's opinion. But the reality is, he's the first man I've dated who isn't abusive and manipulative and unkind. He's wonderful. I can't just walk away because he has a son and a potentially messy ex. That would be like throwing away a once in a lifetime dream that I've spent years dreaming up. Throughout the years of dating the men I've dated, I kind of found out what I wanted, what I didn't. I had a very clear picture of this ideal man. And it's him. The only issue is he comes with an extra suitcase I wasn't planning on taking on. But plenty of people make relationships like this work. It's just a matter of me being able to be being able to adjust.

April 28, 2020

Also want to clarify the discipline issue

What I meant by that was we both are intending on me going into this being a step mom and everything that entails which includes disciplining. Not being a friend. I think I'm better suited for the role of a caregiver than a friend.

April 28, 2020

Tonight marks the first night his son is sleeping in his own bed.

I had a talk with my bf a few days ago about how maybe it would be a good idea for his son to start sleeping in his own bed so when I come along he won't associate me with that change. So my bf is implementing that tonight. We'll see how it goes. He might be in for a long night but I'm happy that he's making that step to make things smoother down the line.

April 28, 2020

Also wanted to note another issue...

I saw some texts between my bf and his ex when he was scrolling through and it seems like his son, at least when he's with his mom has some behavioral outbursts to the point where my bf has to call and talk to him because it gets so out of hand. He's always told me his son is pretty chill and just gives his mom issues because she yells at him. So that was kind of alarming to see.

April 28, 2020

On 4/26/2020 at 10:39 AM, Allupinnit said:

Parenthood is hard enough when it's your own kid. Throw in the dynamic that it's NOT your kid, therefore you're not as hard-wired to love and overlook things that a parent might and imagine your bf is thrilled to have the kid over unexpectedly while your plans are dashed for the evening. "Sorry babe." LOL (ask me how I know)

Yup...that's why I've told him it's more difficult to deal with someone else's kid than your own. He doesn't see the difference though. Some of his ex's were single moms and he stepped right into the dad role and did really well with that and liked it. He doesn't really understand that since I'm not a kid type of person that I don't feel the same way.

I can totally see how in the future with my own kids I would instinctively be more patient but because his son isn't my own, I don't think I'll have that patience. And at first while I'm living and breathing my time off from his son, he'll be missing him.

April 28, 2020

How long have you been dating him? If mentioned previously, apologies.

If it's less than 6 months, then you're in the honeymoon phase, and you don't know whether he has an abusive nature or not.

It often takes a year or longer to discover that as you did with your last ex, from what I read on a previous thread.

Not saying your current is, what I (and others) are suggesting is that you think about how it seems your bf is trying to mold you into someone you're just not and probably never will be -- a loving step mom, the disciplinarian - before you're married and actually become his son's step mom for real.

You admit you love attention and to be doted on, it's one thing you love about your man.

And you acknowledge this will stop once you become the step mom and disciplinarian. I'm sorry to be such a negative Nellie, it just doesn't seem like you're looking at the big picture, down the road, your future together with his son being the priority, and not you.

And also with you as step mom AND disciplinarian.

No more doting on you, giving you all his attention, will you be ok with that?

If this was your nature, I'd say go for it!

But it's about as far away from being your nature as it could be, and I'm wondering how well your doting wonderful bf actually knows you to be pushing this on you, which is how it appears.

It seems like you're both looking at each other wearing rose colored glasses.

Please be careful you're not repeating unhealthy past behaviours D-373..

Just my two cents FWIW.

Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields

April 28, 2020

50 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How long have you been dating him? If mentioned previously, apologies.

If it's less than 6 months, then you're in the honeymoon phase, and you don't know whether he has an abusive nature or not.

It often takes a year or longer to discover that as you did with your last ex, from what I read on a previous thread.

Not saying your current is, what I (and others) are suggesting is that you think about how it seems your bf is trying to mold you into someone you're just not and probably never will be -- a loving step mom, the disciplinarian - before you're married and actually become his son's step mom for real.

You admit you love attention and to be doted on, it's one thing you love about your man.

And you acknowledge this will stop once you become the step mom and disciplinarian. I'm sorry to be such a negative Nellie, it just doesn't seem like you're looking at the big picture, down the road, your future together with his son being the priority, and not you.

And also with you as step mom AND disciplinarian.

No more doting on you, giving you all his attention, will you be ok with that?

If this was your nature, I'd say go for it!

But it's about as far away from being your nature as it could be, and I'm wondering how well your doting wonderful bf actually knows you to be pushing this on you, which is how it appears.

It seems like you're both looking at each other wearing rose colored glasses.

Please be careful you're not repeating unhealthy past behaviours D-373..

Just my two cents FWIW.

Well I am a nurse and despite my feelings about kids, I do have a nurturing nature. I've always been giving and sweet to people.

I'm just a little high maintenance and not used to sharing my partner

Edited April 28, 2020 by Disillusionment373

April 28, 2020

25 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Well I am a nurse and despite my feelings about kids, I do have a nurturing nature. I've always been giving and sweet to people.

I'm just a little high maintenance and not used to sharing my partner

I see. Ok best of luck, I hope it works out the way you hope. xx

April 28, 2020

Strive to balance.

I was in hospital with my daughter for 3 months, placenta accreta. I will say that in that time, there were some nurses who were very kind.

There is no need to force something for the sake of a 'relationship,' Dis, this does not need to be the one.

April 28, 2020

40 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Strive to balance.

I was in hospital with my daughter for 3 months, placenta accreta. I will say that in that time, there were some nurses who were very kind.

There is no need to force something for the sake of a 'relationship,' Dis, this does not need to be the one.

I'm not trying to force anything nor do I need to do that with him. Just looking for input on how to transition into this new faze of our relationship

I can say with absolute certainty that he's the most amazing man I'll ever be with aside from his baggage. I know people have mentioned my ex and how I thought he was a good man in the beginning. Even at his best he couldn't hold a candle to my current bf. That's why I'm so eager to try.

I'm happy you had a good experience with your daughter's nurses. Not all are kind and I think the ones that aren't shouldn't be in the medical field. But those of us who are supportive and empathetic are happy to hear we make a difference. We don't hear it a lot.

Edited April 28, 2020 by Disillusionment373

April 28, 2020

11 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I can say with absolute certainty that he's the most amazing man I'll ever be with aside from his baggage.

We don't hear it a lot.

There's a great George Carlin bit about stupid, crazy and full of sh*t. Sure nurses were/are told every day, before this pandemic that they are awesome.

April 28, 2020

12 minutes ago, Timshel said:

There's a great George Carlin bit about stupid, crazy and full of sh*t. Sure nurses were/are told every day, before this pandemic that they are awesome.

Huh?

April 28, 2020

1 hour ago, Timshel said:

Sure nurses were/are told every day, before this pandemic that they are awesome.

I wish we were told everyday

April 28, 2020

4 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I saw some texts between my bf and his ex when he was scrolling through and it seems like his son, at least when he's with his mom has some behavioral outbursts to the point where my bf has to call and talk to him because it gets so out of hand. He's always told me his son is pretty chill and just gives his mom issues because she yells at him. So that was kind of alarming to see.

A lot of parents seem to think their own child is a "perfect little angel." Sure other kids are annoying, but they were somehow fortunate enough to have a cool kid.

This whole thread reminds me why I could never date a single mom...

April 28, 2020

2 minutes ago, Erik30 said:

A lot of parents seem to think their own child is a "perfect little angel." Sure other kids are annoying, but they were somehow fortunate enough to have a cool kid.

This whole thread reminds me why I could never date a single mom...

Definitely agree. I think the love parent's have for their kids allows them to overlook a lot of things that other adults would view as problematic

That's why I'm kind of going into this blind. I really don't have clue whether his son is going to be cool or not

I'm glad summer is coming up so I can have some idea of what I'm getting myself into soon. And if his son isn't cool I'm either going to have a say in remedying that and shutting it down or I don't think I'll be around for long.

April 28, 2020

7 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I saw some texts between my bf and his ex when he was scrolling through and it seems like his son, at least when he's with his mom has some behavioral outbursts to the point where my bf has to call and talk to him because it gets so out of hand. He's always told me his son is pretty chill and just gives his mom issues because she yells at him. So that was kind of alarming to see.

I think you are being "sold a pup" here.
Ok so that is why you need to be able to "discipline" his son, at five his mother is already having problems controlling him.
Seems his mother also has trouble "controlling" herself as an adult.
Like mother like son maybe...

April 28, 2020

It will turn out just like it always does. "You're not my mom " and then he will go crying to whichever parent will reverse your decision.

April 28, 2020

10 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I saw some texts between my bf and his ex when he was scrolling through and it seems like his son, at least when he's with his mom has some behavioral outbursts to the point where my bf has to call and talk to him because it gets so out of hand. He's always told me his son is pretty chill and just gives his mom issues because she yells at him. So that was kind of alarming to see.

This is a bad dynamic. His mother can’t care for him, so the father swoops in... he is the hero. I feel bad for the mother. And, my heart hurts for this child who is clearly struggling and getting some pretty inconsistent parenting, as per this message. Poor kid. Divorce is not easy for kids.

April 28, 2020

12 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I saw some texts between my bf and his ex when he was scrolling through and it seems like his son, at least when he's with his mom has some behavioral outbursts to the point where my bf has to call and talk to him because it gets so out of hand. He's always told me his son is pretty chill and just gives his mom issues because she yells at him. So that was kind of alarming to see.

That should be alarming.

And none of this will get better as the child gets older, at least, not until he is a lot older. Like adult older.

Kids, even the most well-adjusted of them, are adept at playing one parent off the other. And a step-mom is like the substitute teacher at school -- she'll get the triangulation treatment in spades.

To top it off, your bf's son clearly has some issues. Whether they are all divorce related is unclear since it seems that neither mom nor dad is interested in having the behaviors assessed by a professional.

I agree with those who think your bf is prematurely encouraging you to think about (or take on) the role of stepmother. This doesn't necessarily mean he is abusive or manipulative. It could just be that he is so overwhelmed himself that he is allowing himself some fantasy of the two of you working together to "fix" little Timmy.

A relationship is like a garden; it needs sunshine, water, and regular pruning in order to thrive. So do children. The reality of your situation is that this child is going to get the majority of those resources. This is especially true since it's clear that this child is not well-adjusted and comes with a host of behavior issues his parents either can't or won't address.

April 28, 2020

8 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I wish we were told everyday

In my city, every single night at 8:00 pm, there is a big celebration for those working the front lines during the pandemic - doctors, nurses, medical personnel.

We're on lockdown but folks living in the highrises are out on decks, cheering loudly, ringing bells, blowing horns, playing loud music, flashing lights, even the firefighters got involved Sunday night, parading down Market Street downtown in fire trucks, sirens blasting.

Lasts for about 15-30 minutes, every single night, it's quite emotional.

So YES you are appreciated D, very much so!!

Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields

Sign In

Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

Recommended Posts

Malin889

NuevoYorko

BaileyB

Emilie Jolie

Allupinnit

Dis

Dis

Dis

Dis

Dis

poppyfields

Dis

poppyfields

Timshel

Dis

Timshel

Dis

Dis

Erik30

Dis

elaine567

preraph

BaileyB

introverted1

poppyfields

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...