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Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

Dis

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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7 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Gently, this isn't the first time on this board that I've read the guy didn't really love her, but she "just got pregnant and he stayed for the kid."  I just don't buy it.  Men are not slaves or victims to the choices they make.

But that's neither here nor there.  They created a family and she will have a lot more say over how you spend your time than you think.  Stepmommin' ain't for the faint of heart.

How would going to have say in how I spend my time? Genuinely  curious. 

 

Pretty sure my bf and I who are independent, educated adults aren't going to allow a dependent, state funded woman to tell us how to spend our time just because she did what comes naturally to the female reproductive system 

Edited by Disillusionment373
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Her income or education status aren't part of the equation.  She's a human being and mother of his child.  

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Emilie Jolie Established Member

Emilie Jolie

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Take a deep breath, D373.

Just try and focus on the here and now. No-one is taking anyone to court, and you have yet to meet this child (and his mother). Going in with a bad opinion of her will not endear him to you. Enjoy getting to know your guy without drama, and keep a cool head. One step at a time.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Hello D-373, I’ve read all the posts and something I am confused about is, in your original post which was posted 5 days ago, you expressed concern that your boyfriend’s child would impose on your lifestyle with your boyfriend (i.e. no more walking around in bra, sipping wine, infringing on the awesome sex life you and your boyfriend have developed) and not being able to incorporate him into your world. 

No judgment from me, all valid concerns.

However, in your recent posts 5 days later, you talk about wanting to be a stepmom, that you’re looking forward to being a stepmom, your boyfriend wants you to be a stepmom and take the role of disciplinarian even.  Before you're even married and actually become his child's stepmom.

This seems like a HUGE leap in five days.  From concern about not being able to incorporate him into your world to 5 days later looking forward to being a step mom and taking on the role of disciplinarian?

Did something happen to suddenly cause you to have such a drastically different outlook and change of heart?

Serious question if you don’t mind answering.   No judgment, just a bit confused and causes me to wonder if you've thought this all through to know what it is you truly want.  :)

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Malin889 Established Member

Malin889

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Actually, my bf wants me to step in as a step mom and a person who will discipline. I won't be voiceless. 

Do you guys live together? How long have you been dating? It just seems odd that a guy wants you to "step in as a step mom" if you haven't been dating that long and don't even live together yet. He shouldn't even be thinking of you as a step mom. HE and the mom should be the disciplinaries. He shouldn't be thinking of you as a disciplinary, he hasn't known you that long. He and the mom should be the responsible parties. If I was moving in with a guy I'm seriously dating, which would take a lot, I would never tell him to assume he was a stepdad and he could discipline my daughter. I am the disciplinary as is her dad. Sorry that statement just struck me as really odd-sounding. It's as if he's looking for a live in babysitter. 

Edited by Malin889
Malin889 Established Member

Malin889

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16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hello D-373, I’ve read all the posts and something I am confused about is, in your original post which was posted 5 days ago, you expressed concern that your boyfriend’s child would impose on your lifestyle with your boyfriend (i.e. no more walking around in bra, sipping wine, infringing on the awesome sex life you and your boyfriend have developed) and not being able to incorporate him into your world. 

No judgment from me, all valid concerns.

However, in your recent posts 5 days later, you talk about wanting to be a stepmom, that you’re looking forward to being a stepmom, your boyfriend wants you to be a stepmom and take the role of disciplinarian even.  Before you're even married and actually become his child's stepmom.

This seems like a HUGE leap in five days.  From concern about not being able to incorporate him into your world to 5 days later looking forward to being a step mom and taking on the role of disciplinarian?

Did something happen to suddenly cause you to have such a drastically different outlook and change of heart?

Serious question if you don’t mind answering.   No judgment, just a bit confused and causes me to wonder if you've thought this all through to know what it is you truly want.  :)

 

I was thinking the same! 

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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I don't think Dad's' gf and Mom being in a stand off is good for the child.
The Mom has tried to extend the hand of friendship, so that needs to be appreciated, not thrown back in her face.
This is a potentially a long term arrangement.
I see no point in anyone trying to take over the role of stepmother if you see the Mom as the "enemy".
That is never going to make for a happy family environment for this little boy.
Adults need to act like adults and try to get along and not let old hurts, old resentments and jealousy and territorial issues get in the way of bringing up children.
Our childhoods matter to most of us, they play a big part in how we turn out as adults, kids can get very damaged by warring parents and their new partners..

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TestyTestospherson Member

TestyTestospherson

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@Disillusionment373, I've read through your thread and I haven't seen this mentioned before, so I wanted to just drop a bug in your ear. Many of the behaviors and factors you've described in the scenario between your BF and the mother of his child are telltale signs that parental alienation may be a possibility to consider. What's unclear is on whose part, yet I think it would be a good idea for you to get familiar with the concept and see if it's a fit to possibly explain the dynamic and behaviors that you are observing and that are concerning for you.

Here are two books I'd recommend for further reading: Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak and Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex, by Amy J. L. Baker.

Good luck and keep us posted!

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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19 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I don't think Dad's' gf and Mom being in a stand off is good for the child.
The Mom has tried to extend the hand of friendship, so that needs to be appreciated, not thrown back in her face.
This is a potentially a long term arrangement.
I see no point in anyone trying to take over the role of stepmother if you see the Mom as the "enemy".
That is never going to make for a happy family environment for this little boy.
Adults need to act like adults and try to get along and not let old hurts, old resentments and jealousy and territorial issues get in the way of bringing up children.
Our childhoods matter to most of us, they play a big part in how we turn out as adults, kids can get very damaged by warring parents and their new partners..

My mom raised me by not letting me see anything she may be feeling or thinking that was negative or may cause me to worry. I would do the same thing for my kids and my bf's son. There's no way I would cause friction between his mom or speak badly to him about her. This will be hard enough on him as it is. 

 

She really didn't extend the hand of friendship though. She actually demanded to meet me on the basis of deserving to know who her son will be spending time with. While I understand every mom wants to know that, instead of making a brash demand, she could've just said she'd like to meet me. I would've been fine with that. She already made  bad impression with me and wasn't very welcoming. Kind of hostile. If she's going to be that way, I won't meet her at all. 

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Dis Established Member

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On 4/23/2020 at 9:22 PM, poppyfields said:

Hello D-373, I’ve read all the posts and something I am confused about is, in your original post which was posted 5 days ago, you expressed concern that your boyfriend’s child would impose on your lifestyle with your boyfriend (i.e. no more walking around in bra, sipping wine, infringing on the awesome sex life you and your boyfriend have developed) and not being able to incorporate him into your world. 

No judgment from me, all valid concerns.

However, in your recent posts 5 days later, you talk about wanting to be a stepmom, that you’re looking forward to being a stepmom, your boyfriend wants you to be a stepmom and take the role of disciplinarian even.  Before you're even married and actually become his child's stepmom.

This seems like a HUGE leap in five days.  From concern about not being able to incorporate him into your world to 5 days later looking forward to being a step mom and taking on the role of disciplinarian?

Did something happen to suddenly cause you to have such a drastically different outlook and change of heart?

Serious question if you don’t mind answering.   No judgment, just a bit confused and causes me to wonder if you've thought this all through to know what it is you truly want.  :)

 

Good question 

 

I go back and forth quite a bit between wanting to dive into this and being very trepidatious about it. 

 

Some days I feel endeared towards the idea and other days I feel annoyed by it. I can't seem to pick a side. All I know is I want to go into this seriously with the intention of sticking around and being a positive figure in the boys life. I would like to be a step mom figure. MY bf wants that too. We're kind of all in with this and have plans for the future as long as we can make it work with his son. I think this is just such a big decision and such a big change in lifestyle that it's hard to come to a place of absolute acceptance of what this means. 

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Dis Established Member

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15 hours ago, TestyTestospherson said:

@Disillusionment373, I've read through your thread and I haven't seen this mentioned before, so I wanted to just drop a bug in your ear. Many of the behaviors and factors you've described in the scenario between your BF and the mother of his child are telltale signs that parental alienation may be a possibility to consider. What's unclear is on whose part, yet I think it would be a good idea for you to get familiar with the concept and see if it's a fit to possibly explain the dynamic and behaviors that you are observing and that are concerning for you.

Here are two books I'd recommend for further reading: Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak and Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex, by Amy J. L. Baker.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Yup. I think this is an issue for sure. 

 

When my bf and I first started dating, he told me his son said, "Mommy said you're looking for a new mommy for me"

 

Yikes

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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15 hours ago, TestyTestospherson said:

@Disillusionment373, I've read through your thread and I haven't seen this mentioned before, so I wanted to just drop a bug in your ear. Many of the behaviors and factors you've described in the scenario between your BF and the mother of his child are telltale signs that parental alienation may be a possibility to consider. What's unclear is on whose part, yet I think it would be a good idea for you to get familiar with the concept and see if it's a fit to possibly explain the dynamic and behaviors that you are observing and that are concerning for you.

Here are two books I'd recommend for further reading: Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak and Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex, by Amy J. L. Baker.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Very interesting. Can you elaborate on why you think this is at play?

From the little I know about parental alienation I think it might be an issue here

When my bf and I first started dating he told me his son said, "mommy said you're looking for a new mommy for me"

 

Yikes

 

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Dis Established Member

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On 4/23/2020 at 9:37 PM, Malin889 said:

Do you guys live together? How long have you been dating? It just seems odd that a guy wants you to "step in as a step mom" if you haven't been dating that long and don't even live together yet. He shouldn't even be thinking of you as a step mom. HE and the mom should be the disciplinaries. He shouldn't be thinking of you as a disciplinary, he hasn't known you that long. He and the mom should be the responsible parties. If I was moving in with a guy I'm seriously dating, which would take a lot, I would never tell him to assume he was a stepdad and he could discipline my daughter. I am the disciplinary as is her dad. Sorry that statement just struck me as really odd-sounding. It's as if he's looking for a live in babysitter. 

He just wants me to be an active participant. I do too. We're in this for the long haul if everything goes alright with his son. 

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

She really didn't extend the hand of friendship though. She actually demanded to meet me on the basis of deserving to know who her son will be spending time with. While I understand every mom wants to know that, instead of making a brash demand, she could've just said she'd like to meet me. I would've been fine with that. She already made  bad impression with me and wasn't very welcoming. Kind of hostile. If she's going to be that way, I won't meet her at all. 

Rather than dig your heels in, you could use this opportunity to show that you're not a threat.  That you are kind and understanding.   Sometimes being the bigger person grates, but if the outcome is a smoother relationship for all, it's worth the effort.  

As they say, you can catch more flies with honey.

Edited by basil67
littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I think this is just such a big decision and such a big change in lifestyle that it's hard to come to a place of absolute acceptance of what this means

And that's entirely fair, OP. Kudos to you for thinking it through! 

Your RL with your man and his boy is all that matters.  

Edited by littleblackheart
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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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3 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I go back and forth quite a bit between wanting to dive into this and being very trepidatious about it. 
Some days I feel endeared towards the idea and other days I feel annoyed by it. I can't seem to pick a side. All I know is I want to go into this seriously with the intention of sticking around and being a positive figure in the boys life. I would like to be a step mom figure.

Be careful you are not being railroaded into this. Not aggressively, but perhaps passively through expectations.
He expects you as his gf to accept his boy.
If you don't love my boy you don't love me is the implication..
Do not fall into that trap.
Bottom line he wants a step Mom for his boy, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with that, but make sure you do not agree merely to come up to his expectations as opposed to being something you are fully on board with.
 

Ellener Established Member

Ellener

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On 4/19/2020 at 10:55 AM, snowcones said:

He had gotten used to our footloose and fancy-free dynamic when it was just the two of us where we weren't bogged down with the kids needs/wants/desires.  So after waiting 6-8 months and it came time for me to introduce him to my kids and become "a family" he was not into it.  That was not the precedent that had been set already and not what he was enjoying, so he wasn't all that excited about it. And of course, his reaction was a major downer and boner-killer for me. And my reaction to his reaction came as a surprise to him and he didn't know what was wrong and I was shocked that he didn't realize what was wrong and the whole thing was  just a major mess and mistake.  I will never "wait" to introduce the kids again.  It's going to happen right away, in order to weed out the kid-haters, 

Goodness me, I do not get people I really don't. Who hates kids? I mean, sure there's lots of stuff to negotiate and work over, accept etc but don't grown adults just get on with it?! 

There's no surety in life, the pandemic shows us how things can change overnight.

To me the whole point of being in a relationship, the joy of it really, is the facing life together, making a life together, from the love for each other having more love to share with others. 

Otherwise it's not a relationship, it's just dating forever.

 

 

 

 

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SummerDreams Established Member

SummerDreams

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20 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Goodness me, I do not get people I really don't. Who hates kids?

I do. Not hate like I want them to die or something and I could spend time with kids but I would never want them to be a constant thing and my responsibility. And I had a sister when I was 24, I experienced interacting with her when she was a baby, but to be honest I was happy going home after that and not being my responsibility. Then I had another sister at 33, one would say that was the right moment to bond with that baby but I just didn't. I don't like kids and mostly I don't like how parents feel entitled when they have kids, like the whole world goes around them. Nah. I have a dog and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't play with her or walk her out enough. I'm not made for being an altruist at all.

20 minutes ago, Ellener said:

To me the whole point of being in a relationship, the joy of it really, is the facing life together, making a life together, from the love for each other having more love to share with others. 

Otherwise it's not a relationship, it's just dating forever.

That's unfair for couples who have knowingly decided they don't want kids like me and my husband. I never thought being in a relationship should mean giving to others. One can do that by becoming a doctor, a nurse, whatever. Why should we do it through our relationship? A relationship is to make these two people happy, period.

Ellener Established Member

Ellener

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2 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

A relationship is to make these two people happy, period.

If you are then it's all that matters to this discussion. You found someone who wants exactly what you do out of life. 🙂 

A lot of people aren't so happy though, and haven't found someone to share life with perfectly as you have. They will likely have to 'change it up', or stay alone!

2 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

I have a dog and sometimes I feel guilty that I don't play with her or walk her out enough. I'm not made for being an altruist at all.

I love playing with my dog, she's one of the joys of my life. 

SummerDreams Established Member

SummerDreams

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18 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I love playing with my dog, she's one of the joys of my life. 

Mine too, I wanted to say that I don't feel I'm enough even for a dog and sometimes I feel she is too much of a responsibility, imagine if I had a kid. :S

Ellener Established Member

Ellener

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1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

Mine too, I wanted to say that I don't feel I'm enough even for a dog and sometimes I feel she is too much of a responsibility, imagine if I had a kid. :S

I  only love my dog. I adore my kid ( now grown up! ) 😃 You have to do what works for you in life I think, 'pays your money and takes your choice/chance' or whatever the song says 🎵

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Be careful you are not being railroaded into this. Not aggressively, but perhaps passively through expectations.
He expects you as his gf to accept his boy.
If you don't love my boy you don't love me is the implication..
Do not fall into that trap.
Bottom line he wants a step Mom for his boy, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with that, but make sure you do not agree merely to come up to his expectations as opposed to being something you are fully on board with.
 

I was thinking the same.  D-373, I hope you won't take offense at this, because to me it IS of concern.

You posted you grew up with an abusive father, wiping the stairs with you which actually caused me to feel a bit sick, and I'm so sorry you experienced this.

So as it typically goes with children from abusive homes, as an adult, you are subconsciously drawn and attracted to men like your dad - abusive.

And admittedly that has been your pattern, this hasn't happened by accident, you are choosing these men.

Would it surprise you to know that I, being approx the same age as you, a few years older actually, have never dated an abusive man?  Not once and I have dated tons of men and been in several long term relationships.

Coincidence?  I don't think so.

Anyway, reading a past post about your last ex who turned mentally abusive, early on you described him as being the most loving, caring, patient man you've ever dated, same wonderful qualities you attribute to your current bf.

Please think about this.

The reason I bring this up is because abuse comes in many shapes and forms, and as elaine mentioned above, I cannot help but feel like your current bf is passive-aggressively manipulating your mind into believing you want this - that you want to be a stepmum and disciplinarian. 

TBH, I find it appalling that he is even considering placing you in this role, so early on and before you actually become his kid's stepmum, for real.

Most men would never want even their new wives to become the disciplinarian let alone girlfriend, that is outrageous to me.

And you, admitting to not even liking other people's children, does your bf know this?

Combined with his son saying "mommy  said you are looking for a new mommy for me."  Wow.

None of this sounds healthy nor does you and him bonding over previously  failed relationships. 

Broken people attract broken people D-373, and there is a big part of me that feels you're heading straight into another potentially abusive situation with a man whose style may be more passive but nevertheless, just as dangerous and insidious. 

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Juha Established Member

Juha

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I do not see smooth sailing in this relationship moving forward.

 

I can see lots of problems and it seems you are overlooking lots of issues here, because

your bf checks a bunch of boxes, and you seem a little desperate due to your age to find a long term relationship

 

I wish you luck but think you could find a better situation to be with a guy who checks your boxes

 

 

I 

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Emilie Jolie Established Member

Emilie Jolie

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4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He expects you as his gf to accept his boy.
If you don't love my boy you don't love me is the implication..

That's a pretty standard expectation to have, though. 

 

My SO has never said that to me explicitly in those words, nor did he force me into a 'step mother' role I was not prepared to do, but realistically how else is the RL going to work without everyone being accepting of each other?

In the first year of our RL, I made every effort to get things right with the boys because I wanted my RL with my partner to work. I don't think our RL would have survived had I not done that. I know I hit the jackpot - we all share the same sense of humour, we are all fairly laid back, but mostly I was not dragged into previous drama.

 

Where I agree is that D373 seems to be stepping into an already drama-laden situation. Tensions between the parents are not handled well at all. She should not be privvy to all this mess so early on in the RL, when she has had zero involvement with the kid.

 

@Disillusionment373you said in a previous post that your guy never badbouthed the mother of his kid

8 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

When my bf and I first started dating he told me his son said, "mommy said you're looking for a new mommy for me"

This is badmouthing her.

You don't have to meet the exgf, but you also don't have to rush into anything. Take it easy, go into it with an open-mind but keep your wits about you at all times.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted (edited)
21 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

You don't have to meet the exgf, but you also don't have to rush into anything. Take it easy, go into it with an open-mind but keep your wits about you at all times.

 

Agree^.  D, you seem like a strong woman, don't allow him to manipulate you into believing you want this, so early in.  Always stay true to yourself. 

If you lose him because you're not ready, or simply have no desire to be the disciplinarian, which my gawd would be so understandable given your nature of not liking kids, and enjoying a sense of freedom in your relationships, then so be. 

Don't be afraid of that happening, don't let that fear drive your ship. 

If that's all he wants, let him go find another replacement mommy for his son.  And YOU find a man who will love and cherish you for who "you" are, NOT who he wants to mold you into being. 

Edited by poppyfields
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