Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

April 21, 2020

The problem here is that the D373 was not looking or considering a man with kids, but she found a man she likes and is now trying to get her head around being a step Mom.
That is not something you decide upon lightly. A five year old is a huge commitment for literally years and years.
She is NOT a parent who has some idea of what this would entail and she could bring her own experience to the situation.
She is diving into something she knows little about, because she likes this guy and the sex is great.
Not so great I assume with a kid in the middle of the bed, cuddling Daddy, or screaming his lungs out in another room...
Relationships are usually hard enough without a small apparently "difficult" kid in the mix and an "aggressive ex" .
Train wreck ahead.
Sorry!

April 21, 2020

27 minutes ago, preraph said:

I just think she needs to think real hard and see if this vision is a vision she can see herself as a part of, being the step-caretaker of a young special needs child she will have no vote on how to raise. The only people I can envision being okay with this is someone who already has had experience at it say with a younger brother or someone who had to caretake her parents as so many seem to have to do and so their identity has become caretaking. Otherwise, to me, this is for parents. My guess is her vision doesn't have much to do with the child. Which would be normal.

We don't know he has special needs. Lots of young children have attachment issues, especially after a separation. This little boy's life has already been turned upside down only a few months ago when his parents broke up.

In fairness to the OP, it's not something you can prepare yourself for in your head when you have not experienced it before; you kind of have to live it. Hence why the over thinking is counterproductive, imo. She's allowed to try it out and see how it goes without committing herself too much at the beginning (and I say this as a single parent). Hopefully, her bf will have the good sense to shield his boy from potential emotional upheaval. That, more than OP's thought process, is what I find more concerning. I do think this little boy needs to sleep in his bed eventually, but I would not make him transition to please a partner.

Edited April 21, 2020 by littleblackheart

April 21, 2020

I could be mistaken, but I know I got that from somewhere, like another of her threads, maybe. I could be wrong or had it mixed up with some similar thread or something.

April 21, 2020

At five years old barring any severe disabilities this kid needs to be sleeping in his own bed, especially if this guy wants a shot at true intimacy with a woman.

When we were kids we weren't even allowed into our parents' bedroom without knocking first, and hanging out in there wasn't a thing. That was a space for the adults to do their adulting. I'm still old school like that.

April 22, 2020

6 hours ago, preraph said:

I could be mistaken, but I know I got that from somewhere, like another of her threads, maybe. I could be wrong or had it mixed up with some similar thread or something.

The OP specified that he's not special needs.

Bedtime is problematic for a lot of kids I think, I used to watch Super Nanny, they showed lots of families with this issue. They would apply the technique of putting the children back to bed without talking to them, no matter how many times they would get up, which would sometimes take up hours and hours until the child would give in and stay in their own bed. Good luck OP

April 22, 2020

Right. And they'll keep you up all night because kids have a lot more energy than you do!

I watch the Dr. Phil show yesterday about stressed parents during the virus being stuck at home with their kids and I was so annoyed the whole time from the kids jumping in front of the camera and making noise. His solution seemed to be to give the kids chores which is fine, but I am mediately went on Twitter and said the first thing those kids need to be taught us to sit down and shut up when they're asked. So many parents just don't even teach their kids to mind them anymore. They don't teach you in the most basic themes like to be quiet when asked and to quit bugging them. And yes that is attainable by the age these kids were at. But you have to start young and so they just take it for granted they're not to interrupt you or make a bunch of racket. I am so glad I don't have kids right now.

April 22, 2020

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

I watch the Dr. Phil show yesterday about stressed parents during the virus being stuck at home with their kids and I was so annoyed the whole time from the kids jumping in front of the camera and making noise. His solution seemed to be to give the kids chores which is fine, but I am mediately went on Twitter and said the first thing those kids need to be taught us to sit down and shut up when they're asked. So many parents just don't even teach their kids to mind them anymore. They don't teach you in the most basic themes like to be quiet when asked and to quit bugging them. And yes that is attainable by the age these kids were at. But you have to start young and so they just take it for granted they're not to interrupt you or make a bunch of racket. I am so glad I don't have kids right now.

I think parents don't feel they need to be the "bad cops" and learn manners to their kids because they are not with them much. I mean in my country the kids can go to the kindergarden as early as at age 3 or something. When they go to school there are schools for parents who both work that end at 4 o' clock and then there are things to do at school like play an instrument, sing, play basketball and so on. Kids go home at 6 or 7 in the evening, they study for the next day, they watch some netflix or chat with their friends and they go to sleep. Parents don't spend that much time with them.In the weekends there are also things to do. So now with the lockdown parents are realizing that their kids are spoiled and they have no manners. Well, I don't want to sound mean, but yeah I will: I'm enjoying it.

April 22, 2020

In Sweden, where I used to live, parents try to be their kids' best friends instead of authoritative figures. Which brings loads of problems. Ironically, having that kind of parents mess them up more than having more strict and demanding ones.

I think OP's guy feels way too guilty to discipline his son. Divorced parents often do. According to OP he is also a bit too kind and spineless, which doesn't help. He may not want to spend those precious days with his little boy disciplining him and making him cry - I'm imagining him feeling horrible about it. So I don't see D being the problem by not learning to love the boy, it's more about the guy and how he'll manage parenting when his girlfriend comes into picture.

April 22, 2020

14 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The problem here is that the D373 was not looking or considering a man with kids, but she found a man she likes and is now trying to get her head around being a step Mom.
....A five year old is a huge commitment for literally years and years.

I'm hoping my current GF will be sticking around, and I will have more insight on this subject. But, she doesn't have kids, and doesn't want kids. She was also not looking to date anyone with kids. But, she has learned that she likes my kids a lot. (and changed her mind on that) But then again... mine are older, and relatively self sufficient. (9 and 13) Not to mention... she is starting to become a "Buddy" with my 13 year old, since they like to talk about the newest make-up, and cloths. They have already planed a shopping trip when the COVID is over.

With that said... My GF and I have had that talk. She said she doesn't want to "Be Mom" in any way. I told her that I completely understand, and I will still be the person who takes care of the issues. But I did say... since she is another adult in the house... she has my permission to drop the hammer if need be. (but my kids are good)

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Right. And they'll keep you up all night because kids have a lot more energy than you do!

Nope. I've never let that happen. People who try to be their kid's "Friend" are heading down a BAD path. Several of my friends tried that... and now they have kids who walk all over them, and can't control the kids. My exW said I was too strict with my kids when they were young... but now they know there are real consequences for their actions. At the moment... I'm typing this, drinking my coffee... my youngest is sitting with her tablet waiting videos, and my oldest is getting a shower, and getting ready for the day. (home school because of COVID) It's calm, and quiet... and this is the norm in my house.

Oh... and bed times are strictly held to, because Dad needs some quiet time.

1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

I think parents don't feel they need to be the "bad cops" and learn manners to their kids because they are not with them much. ........

I've always been the "Bad Cop"... and I still am, when needed. But... it's also why I was in shock with my oldest wanted to stay with me, and not go with her mother at all, after the divorce. I was the punisher, and the exW was the "Comforter". I guess she realized that dad was good deep down.

Anyway... I guess someone from the outside who may not have wanted kids in their life could be drawn in... or turned away on how that parent was originally. (are the kids good, and in control? or are they bad and crazy?)

Edited April 22, 2020 by Blind-Sided

April 23, 2020

On 4/20/2020 at 10:56 AM, lurker74 said:

OP, you are definitely over thinking this one. But the good news is that you're only over thinking things a little. Integrating lives in our 30s and 40s is extremely complicated. We all tend to have patterns in our lives to which we've grown accustomed and now we're supposed to adapt them to a full other set of patterns and expect it to go well. And then we're surprised when dating after 30 fails so often.

Yes, you will have to adapt. So what? you say your BF is great. Is that adaptation not worth it? Be cautious with Loveshack advice. The typical poster here has been through the ringer and is the FIRST person to tell you to punch out of a relationship. But from what I can tell, you BF has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. He chose a poor mate. Yeah? Happens a lot. But now he's chosen you and presumably you like you. He is raising a son as best as he can, which shows responsibility. Much better than a father that is not present in his child's life. Cray ex? So what? He's stuck up for you with her. Don't ever meet her if you don't want (she can complain but it's not a legal requirement) or meet her. You don't have to decide today. In fact, you don't have to decide anything other than this:

Does the joy your BF bring exceed the pain?

If so, stay. Also, no, a 5 year old should NOT be sleeping in his bed. I get that he wants it...frankly, it's a bit charming...but it is harmful in both the short and long-term, and not just for the two of you.

Absolutely agree with you on every point in this post

My bf is a phenomenal man and by far the most caring, thoughtful, loving bf I've ever had. I'm not going to opt out of the relationship just because he has a son. He goes out of his way for me every day. I've dated soooo many men who treated me poorly (as evidenced by my many threads). I'm going to see this through however difficult it may be. When we parted ways before I remember feeling so broken despite being fine with all my past breakups. I felt that way not because I needed to have a man in my life but because he was such an amazing partner, I knew I belonged with him and nowhere else. His good points far exceed his baggage.

And yes, the sleeping arragnments with his son concern me quite a bit. At 5 he should be a little more independent than that. He assures me when I'm there his son will sleep in his own bed, But like other posters have mentioned, I don't think it will be that easy.

April 23, 2020

I wanted to add that I'm going into this knowing I will be a step mom and knowing how all of these changed will effect his son. I'm 33 and an RN. I know what responsibility and caring selflessly for another human means and I don't take this light heartedly.

Plenty of people don't like kids and end up loving their step child and being a good parent to them. I'm going into this with that hope.

Edited April 23, 2020 by Disillusionment373

April 23, 2020

On 4/21/2020 at 5:51 PM, preraph said:

I just think she needs to think real hard and see if this vision is a vision she can see herself as a part of, being the step-caretaker of a young special needs child she will have no vote on how to raise. The only people I can envision being okay with this is someone who already has had experience at it say with a younger brother or someone who had to caretake her parents as so many seem to have to do and so their identity has become caretaking. Otherwise, to me, this is for parents. My guess is her vision doesn't have much to do with the child. Which would be normal.

Actually, my bf wants me to step in as a step mom and a person who will discipline. I won't be voiceless.

This puts me at ease significantly

April 23, 2020

And that might be good, until the mother gets wind of it from the kids complaining about it, and they will. He will likely still want you doing it HIS way, though.

April 23, 2020

On 4/22/2020 at 7:35 AM, Lorenza said:

In Sweden, where I used to live, parents try to be their kids' best friends instead of authoritative figures. Which brings loads of problems. Ironically, having that kind of parents mess them up more than having more strict and demanding ones.

I think OP's guy feels way too guilty to discipline his son. Divorced parents often do. According to OP he is also a bit too kind and spineless, which doesn't help. He may not want to spend those precious days with his little boy disciplining him and making him cry - I'm imagining him feeling horrible about it. So I don't see D being the problem by not learning to love the boy, it's more about the guy and how he'll manage parenting when his girlfriend comes into picture.

When I was a 3 years old my older sister and I were fighting at the top of the basement stairs and I ripped a button off her coat. She screamed. My dad came up from the basement where he was leasurely puttering around, took me by the hood of my jacket and wiped me down the stairs. He was psychically abusive my entire childhood. I learned quickly to shut up and do what I was told. I guess my upbringing makes me annoyed when I see kids running amok, and being brats. I by no means she what my dad did as being the right way to parent, but at the same time I do think kids now a days need more rules and discipline without being fearful. I think there needs to be a healthy balance.

My bf does feel really guilty about how the split effected his son. I think that's why he stalls on having his son sleep in his own bed. But he says his son is pretty chill and low key for a 5 year old. Not sure if that's the case but that's what he says. He is, too nice in some ways. I think he needs to put his foot down a little more with his son and with his ex. His ex will send him nasty text messages and out of fear of his ex taking his son away (for no reason, she's threatened this before) he will try to pacify her. I tell him not to engage as it will only add fuel to the fire. My bf wants me to step in as a step mom and as a disciplinary figure. I'm glad about that. At work I know when to be sweet and nurturing and when to put my foot down. Hopefully I can apply that here.

April 23, 2020

On 4/22/2020 at 8:16 AM, Blind-Sided said:

I'm hoping my current GF will be sticking around, and I will have more insight on this subject. But, she doesn't have kids, and doesn't want kids. She was also not looking to date anyone with kids. But, she has learned that she likes my kids a lot. (and changed her mind on that) But then again... mine are older, and relatively self sufficient. (9 and 13) Not to mention... she is starting to become a "Buddy" with my 13 year old, since they like to talk about the newest make-up, and cloths. They have already planed a shopping trip when the COVID is over.

With that said... My GF and I have had that talk. She said she doesn't want to "Be Mom" in any way. I told her that I completely understand, and I will still be the person who takes care of the issues. But I did say... since she is another adult in the house... she has my permission to drop the hammer if need be. (but my kids are good)

Nope. I've never let that happen. People who try to be their kid's "Friend" are heading down a BAD path. Several of my friends tried that... and now they have kids who walk all over them, and can't control the kids. My exW said I was too strict with my kids when they were young... but now they know there are real consequences for their actions. At the moment... I'm typing this, drinking my coffee... my youngest is sitting with her tablet waiting videos, and my oldest is getting a shower, and getting ready for the day. (home school because of COVID) It's calm, and quiet... and this is the norm in my house.

Oh... and bed times are strictly held to, because Dad needs some quiet time.

I've always been the "Bad Cop"... and I still am, when needed. But... it's also why I was in shock with my oldest wanted to stay with me, and not go with her mother at all, after the divorce. I was the punisher, and the exW was the "Comforter". I guess she realized that dad was good deep down.

Anyway... I guess someone from the outside who may not have wanted kids in their life could be drawn in... or turned away on how that parent was originally. (are the kids good, and in control? or are they bad and crazy?)

I actually want to come into this as a step-mom. Not a friend.

My bf says he disciplines his son quite often and that he's not his son's friend. I hope that's true. But his son not sleeping in his own bed makes me somewhat doubtful of that.

April 23, 2020

12 minutes ago, preraph said:

And that might be good, until the mother gets wind of it from the kids complaining about it, and they will. He will likely still want you doing it HIS way, though.

Couldn't care less about what my bf's ex thinks

I know a lot of people who know her and time and time again she's proven herself to be unstable and volatile

My bf says I don't have to meet her because of this and I've made the decision not to meet her. If I run into her in passing that's fine. But there won't be a meet and greet.

April 23, 2020

I realize you wouldn't care about what she thinks but she will have say and how the children are raised even if she has to go to court to get it.

April 23, 2020

Just now, preraph said:

I realize you wouldn't care about what she thinks but she will have say and how the children are raised even if she has to go to court to get it.

There wouldn't be a lawful reason for her to take my bf to court. If she did the ruling would most likely be in my bf's favor. He's a far more stable parent than she is. People can't just take another parent to court unless a custody agreement is broken or something illegal is happening. Pretty sure she can't take me to court because I put her son in a time out or what have you.

April 23, 2020

OP I think you are making a grave mistake from the outset and that is pitting yourself against his ex, however "right" you think you are or what people think about her - she is the boy's mom full-stop and while I think you're within your rights to make sure the boy behaves around you and is polite that's really all you're entitled to.

My best advice would be coming into this thing gingerly as he will likely be wary of you and feel confused that you took his spot and daddy's bed and are telling him what to do.

And also if you plan to be a stepmom does that mean you're talking about getting married? Please remember his feelings and be respectful of the fact that you will be sharing your time and it's in your best interest to get along with her. Kids are so sensitive at 5.

April 23, 2020

7 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

There wouldn't be a lawful reason for her to take my bf to court. If she did the ruling would most likely be in my bf's favor. He's a far more stable parent than she is. People can't just take another parent to court unless a custody agreement is broken or something illegal is happening. Pretty sure she can't take me to court because I put her son in a time out or what have you.

No not for a timeout. But I have definitely heard of judges saying the step doesn't have anything to do with it. I'm sure that mostly comes up when there is a complaint from one of the parents.

April 23, 2020

5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

OP I think you are making a grave mistake from the outset and that is pitting yourself against his ex, however "right" you think you are or what people think about her - she is the boy's mom full-stop and while I think you're within your rights to make sure the boy behaves around you and is polite that's really all you're entitled to.

My best advice would be coming into this thing gingerly as he will likely be wary of you and feel confused that you took his spot and daddy's bed and are telling him what to do.

And also if you plan to be a stepmom does that mean you're talking about getting married? Please remember his feelings and be respectful of the fact that you will be sharing your time and it's in your best interest to get along with her. Kids are so sensitive at 5.

I'm setting boundaries with his ex. Not pitting myself against her. There's a big difference there. I'm not open to meeting a woman who gets in physical altercations with other women in and outside of professional environments. I'm not the one to be concerned about in terms of keeping the peace. He's a super sensitive kid from what my bf told me. I was too as a kid. I'm a nurse. I'm gentle with people's emotions by trade. Not sure why there's a reminder to be sensitive with his emotions. He's a child. What am I going to do? Yell at him when I first meet him? Lol.

We talk about the future quite a bit and plan on marriage if all goes well but we have a big challenge to overcome before we get serious about that but in the mean time I want to be a step mom figure to him and see how things go.

April 23, 2020

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

No not for a timeout. But I have definitely heard of judges saying the step doesn't have anything to do with it. I'm sure that mostly comes up when there is a complaint from one of the parents.

I don't think courts recognize matters of difference in parenting unless abuse or neglect is involved.

April 23, 2020

Ok well sounds like you have it all figured out. FTR - I'm a stepmom myself, so my advice comes from experience and a good place. And I actually really like my H's ex.

Remember that for however awful you've been made to think she is, your wonderful boyfriend loved her at one point and made a family with her. That was his own poor judgment - something to think about - if she's a drama-case like that you can't avoid her forever.

April 23, 2020

Just now, Allupinnit said:

Ok well sounds like you have it all figured out. FTR - I'm a stepmom myself, so my advice comes from experience and a good place. And I actually really like my H's ex.

Remember that for however awful you've been made to think she is, your wonderful boyfriend loved her at one point and made a family with her. That was his own poor judgment - something to think about - if she's a drama-case like that you can't avoid her forever.

We've both made poor decisions with our exs. We kind of bond over that

He started his relationship with his ex as a casual thing but she got pregnant. It wasn't lovey or long term type of relationship. Not all relationships are. They stayed together for his son. I wouldn't mind if they did have a close relationship though. I know all my my past relationships were.

If I run into her in passing that's fine. I'm just not going to go out of my way to speak to her.

April 23, 2020

Gently, this isn't the first time on this board that I've read the guy didn't really love her, but she "just got pregnant and he stayed for the kid." I just don't buy it. Men are not slaves or victims to the choices they make.

But that's neither here nor there. They created a family and she will have a lot more say over how you spend your time than you think. Stepmommin' ain't for the faint of heart.

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