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Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

Dis

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Not necessarily it may workout fine.

How so?  The OP admitted to not liking kids, let alone his.

It's not fair to her boyfriend's son, is it?

He's 5, he deserves to have a stepmum (since that is where their relationship is headed), with whom he will be spending at least 50% of his time, who at least likes him.

Edited by poppyfields
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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

Posted
Posted

She may have reservations. Who wouldn’t ?

Shes smart enough to address them upfront. Which is what this is all about.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Marc878 said:

She may have reservations. Who wouldn’t ?

 

Someone who likes children and has the emotional capacity to embrace and love their spouse's child as one of their own.

That child is part of who their partner is after all.

I don't mean to sound judgy but one of OP's reasons for her difficulty in accepting this, as stated in her original post, is because she won't be able to walk around in her bra, and sip wine. 

No sorry, I don't see how this could possibly work long term, jmo.

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted
Just now, Marc878 said:

Not necessarily it may workout fine.

What bothers me about this response, and I understand it, is that the OP is in love with this guy, but not the idea of anything else. Really, she has already admitted to that. She was already bringing in a questionable set of luggage that would definitely say to me, as a single parent, 'this is too risky.' 

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Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

Posted
Posted
16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Someone who likes children and has the emotional capacity to embrace and love their spouse's child as one of their own.

That child is part of who their partner is after all.

I don't mean to sound judgy but one of OP's reasons for her difficulty in accepting this, as stated in her original post, is because she won't be able to walk around in her bra, and sip wine. 

No sorry, I don't see how this could possibly work long term, jmo.

As always, maternal women like to portray non-maternal ones like they are some selfish monsters :DOP might also grow to love that child. It's up to her and her determination and patience. She does have the right to worry about losing her independence and it's a totally legit worry, not to be belittled. It's best to reconsider as early as possible if she's ready for that sacrifice, but it's not a hopeless situation. 
 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

As always, maternal women like to portray non-maternal ones like they are some selfish monsters :DOP might also grow to love that child. It's up to her and her determination and patience. She does have the right to worry about losing her independence and it's a totally legit worry, not to be belittled. It's best to reconsider as early as possible if she's ready for that sacrifice, but it's not a hopeless situation. 
 

Fair enough except for the reference to non-maternal women being  "selfish monsters."

I do like children, but I'm not particularly maternal, and I don't date men with very young children for that reason. 

And I am definitely not a selfish monster. 

And yes I truly hope Disillusionment does grow to love her bf's child, I devoted an entire post to saying just that.

Edited by poppyfields
Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Fair enough except for the reference to non-maternal women being  "selfish monsters."

I'm not particularly maternal, and I don't date men with children for that reason. 

And I am definitely not a selfish monster. 

aah ok sorry, I was getting a wrong impression that you are one of those motherly women who dislike childfree women and their worries :D
I just think nobody comes with an unlimited capacity to love every child and sometimes needs to learn that in their own ways. OP is a nurse so there's definitely some caretaking genes, they might kick in, who knows. 

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Emilie Jolie Established Member

Emilie Jolie

Posted
Posted

The point is no-one can see the future; this doesn't need to end in a gloomfest. It sounds like the OP has come here to work out some of her concerns, which is the responsible thing to do.She's not even met the boy yet! 

I was always ambivalent about having children myself, I don't have any, but my SO's boys and I have become really close over time; I'm not their parent, more like a reliable adult they can come to for anything (which has been advice on how to pull girls, making sandwichesnon-stop, going to all the rugby matches / drama plays, being a walking wallet, etc). Not easy, I got the 'you are not my mother' line so often that it became a running joke, we got into a few arguments but overall it was fun, and we all care for each other. Had I listened to similar advice 5 years ago, I would have missed out on all of this. The boys are in their 20s but we're still close.

And frankly, all of us from our 30s on have a bunch responsibilities other than ourselves; we have careers, elderly parents, etc. If you're not completely self-centered, these RLs can work.

 

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

Maybe she will grow to love his kid...Maybe she will reluctantly tolerate him. i'm sure there are plenty of step parents like that. It's ultimately based around this idea that you can't have it all. You can't have someone who is a good partner, meets all of your requirements, AND is child free (in the case of OP). Don't know if that's necessarily true. I get the right connection can be difficult to find, though, and may be worth some sacrifices. :)

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted

For me, as a single parent who is very protective, reading what I know of the OP, the decision would be a no-brainer, no way! Her entire approach and sentiments as expressed early on spells trouble ahead. I don't believe it cannot be done and I did suggest that she reserve judgment on the mother until after she's actually met her and not rely on the testimony of her ex or 'others', whomever they are. But she did ask for advice...she certainly has some ideas and the road ahead is fraught with challenges...she should be preparing herself for that. That, I feel, is the moral of this story... ;) 

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lurker74 Established Member

lurker74

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

sure, take it day by day and do whatever you like.

This is what happens when you edit quotes. Things that you might have been trying to communicate can be removed. For instance, I don't think you were telling her to take it day by day. Also, in my response, I was not telling her that only she and her BF matter. What IS true is that any two people, especially past 30, have to adapt. The question is really if the adaptations are worth the person and the relationship.

Agreed...if she cannot be in the child's life, she should not be in her BF's life. But the whole point of my message to her - and to anyone in a relatively new relationship - is that it is ALWAYS full of compromises. But if despite those compromises and adaptations, the person adds joy and color to your life, they are by definition worth it. 

 

But @Disillusionment373, I do agree with @SummerDreams in the sense that if you are more certain than not that being in the child's life is not for you, let your BF find someone who is willing to be in the child's life. But from what you wrote in this post, it seems like you are willing to be in his life, just worried that it could be too much. Yep, that's possible. Parenting, step or otherwise, can be scary. But don't dismiss the positive. You could end up being thankful 20 years down the road that you allowed this child into your life because of the joy and color he brought with him. 

Good luck!

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

The point is no-one can see the future; this doesn't need to end in a gloomfest. It sounds like the OP has come here to work out some of her concerns, which is the responsible thing to do.She's not even met the boy yet! 

I was always ambivalent about having children myself, I don't have any, but my SO's boys and I have become really close over time; I'm not their parent, more like a reliable adult they can come to for anything (which has been advice on how to pull girls, making sandwichesnon-stop, going to all the rugby matches / drama plays, being a walking wallet, etc). Not easy, I got the 'you are not my mother' line so often that it became a running joke, we got into a few arguments but overall it was fun, and we all care for each other. Had I listened to similar advice 5 years ago, I would have missed out on all of this. The boys are in their 20s but we're still close.

And frankly, all of us from our 30s on have a bunch responsibilities other than ourselves; we have careers, elderly parents, etc. If you're not completely self-centered, these RLs can work.

 

A good friend of mine went through this. He has 2 girls 8 & 10. His now gf wasn’t sure she wanted to date a guy with kids. He was fine with not seeing her but she asked to try. He waited probably a year before introducing them. His girls snooped on his phone and found out all about her (they are hilarious). Long story short they get along great. She’s always doing stuff with them. They follow her around, etc.

Looking back if I’d let any potential negatives stop my decisions I’d still be living with my parents.
 

 

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Emilie Jolie Established Member

Emilie Jolie

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Looking back if I’d let any potential negatives stop my decisions I’d still be living with my parents.

Right.

I mean there is pointing out the potential problems (fair), and there's actively discouraging someone from going into a RL with a single parent because you (general) don't approve of it for your own reasons. People need to follow their own paths after all. I hope @Disillusionment373hasn't fled the country after this thread!

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted
40 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Right.

I mean there is pointing out the potential problems (fair), and there's actively discouraging someone from going into a RL with a single parent because you (general) don't approve of it for your own reasons. People need to follow their own paths after all. I hope @Disillusionment373hasn't fled the country after this thread!

It doesn't matter whether she has or not. Her decision to go through with this is entirely up to her as everyone else who comes to share their feelings and ask for advise knows. When someone asks for advice or insight, that someone will get inevitably get opinions that will both encourage and discourage certain behavior. I feel that some people need to hear that callous nature of the decisions they are planning to make or venture into. She was given both suggestions as to how to make this work and why she should not. Nothing wrong with that. LS posters frequently provide reasons why one should not go into a relationship and often because it involves most peoples concern. If we are not do that, then 90% (just made that up)  of this forum is unnecessary. 

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Emilie Jolie Established Member

Emilie Jolie

Posted
Posted

True @Gr8fuln2020. LS is a great sounding board, we all are free to take or leave anything we read here, and OP will make her own hopefully informed and considered judgement based on her own personal circumstances. 

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ThorntonMelon Established Member

ThorntonMelon

Posted
Posted

A few things running around all at the same time.

Impression I get is that you love his attention towards you and you worry that after the honeymoon is up and he starts focusing away from you (on his child) that you won't be as happy (or at least there is trepidation).

I get that concern. The transition from the love fog to "real life" is always an interesting one in mixed family relationships.  

But I think you're letting your mind wander a bit. If you think he's the one, then he's the one. And you throw your heart and soul at it because any other option would/should be absolutely unacceptable to you. 

One thing I would say is that while you have a responsibility to be a loving and reasonable partner, the majority of the responsibility here is on your BF. He needs to be able to integrate the worlds. If he's the man you think he is, he will relish the opportunity to do so with the love of his life. 

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Sounds like a bit of a fantasy to me. Happy little family? More like an enormous amount of time to work out all the bugs. I say yes he is a wonderful man but...doesn't mean he's alright. To me he's a pleaser, a push over. His ex and his son walk all over him because he can't be bothered to deal with it. He might be nice, but he comes with problems. If you want to do something about it, you are going to have to speak up now. He has to work on this kid's habit of sleeping with him. So far all he is doing is telling you what you want to hear. You have to give him an ultimatum that he better start getting that kid to sleep on his own or you won't be spending any time there. And since the lockdown, he's got plenty of time to work on it. The proof is in the actions, not the words. If he doesn't comply then you know this isn't going to work.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted (edited)

My prediction is it may end up coming less down to whether she can love the child and more down to the more common problems of having no control over the parenting even though you are in the picture.  If you end up with disagreements about permissiveness and that sort of thing, it will drive you crazy, just like it does a married couple with a child.  But the step is powerless to have any say in it.  So if, for example, the kid keeps sleeping between them, that's going to be a problem.  If, for example, the kid, like a lot of kids, won't go to sleep at bedtime and makes you late getting to sleep, that's going to cause problems.  If the child is allowed to interrupt constantly or make noises constantly or any number of annoying things kids do, you have no say over that.  It will come down to how you are willing to live without as many options or say in the matter, and most people would have a problem with that, I think.

 

And if, on top of having no say, you are also expected to do a significant part of the caretaking under those conditions, that will be a big problem.  

I wouldn't wade into this for any amount of money myself.  I think relationships are hard enough without this.  

Edited by preraph
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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

You have to give him an ultimatum that he better start getting that kid to sleep on his own or you won't be spending any time there

As a parent myself, if a guy I've been dating for less than a year gives me an ultimatum on how to raise my kid so he can get more sex even prior to meeting him, he'll be out the door in a flash.

OP will have to accept how he parents this child and trusts things will get better in time, or she needs to leave now iff she already knows she can't hack it. She doesn't have enough stake in either of their lives to call any kind of shots at this point. Too controlling, imo. 

I sort of agree with Emilie Jolie in that there seems to be a disproportionate amount of bad reactions to this situation; I'm not sure why tbh. They've been together a few short months and her and the child have not even met yet.

 For now, there seems to be a lot of over-thinking; as Emilie said, the reality will likely be very different, but not necessarily bad.

On the other hand, I agree with what Preraph said about conflicting 'parental' styles straight off the bat; these too can be ironed out with time though, if they all get on well enough.

Maybe I'm focussing on the wrong thing, but the over-thinking is on overdrive here; at this moment, it seems like it's the biggest hurdle.

I've seen lots of good step-parents and lots of  bad bio parents to know happy endings can happe  (or at least that step parenting can be very successful when handled well), but OP needs to know what she's taking on.

I wish you the best whatever you decide to do, OP.

 

 

Edited by littleblackheart
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Malin889 Established Member

Malin889

Posted
Posted

What is a little concerning is that you are moving in with your boyfriend (Presumably. You didn't come right out and say it, but it sounds like you'll be moving in with him.)  right at the same time you are meeting the boy. Isn't it better for the boyfriend to introduce you to his son, see how things go, then ask you to move in further down the line? It just seems like too much too soon. Also, I know you mentioned in another post that you were seeing some guy who was cheating on his gf about 6-7 months ago. And a couple months before that, another relationship had just ended. So maybe you should slow down? Slow and steady sometimes win the race. 

 

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Thing is this is where she can make decisions without much in the way of consequences, and later, if she decides to leave, it will be a big mess.  Not sure she knows the guy well enough to know what exactly she'd be getting into.

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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted (edited)

True, but it's ok to take a risk too, especially in love. What if it all works out? 'Take risks. If you win, you'll be happy. If you lose, you'll be wise'. Or something like that :).  Of course I'm very much hoping our OP has her head firmly screwed on.

Edited by littleblackheart
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Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

IMHO, this is a huge compromise that you will be making, so you really,  REALLY need to feel that it is worth it. We advise people to break up all the time over somewhat smaller things like incompatible sex drives or financial views - while all those things are "big" in their own right, they still don't hold a candle to this incompatibility. Having a child around will literally change your entire life when they are there, it affects every aspect of your life, not just one or a few. If this isn't something that you want for yourself or are at least on the fence about, it will cause you a ton of resentment down the road.

 

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted (edited)

If he disagrees then there is incompatibility...it's simply not going to work.

 

IMO the OP is just adjusting things in her head in how it should work to convince herself to stay, like I could handle a happy little family...when it's malarkey.

Edited by smackie9
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I just think she needs to think real hard and see if this vision is a vision she can see herself as a part of, being the step-caretaker of a young special needs child she will have no vote on how to raise.  The only people I can envision being okay with this is someone who already has had experience at it say with a younger brother or someone who had to caretake her parents as so many seem to have to do and so their identity has become caretaking.  Otherwise, to me, this is for parents.  My guess is her vision doesn't have much to do with the child.  Which would be normal.  

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