Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

[Dis]

9 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

There are always trade offs in life. As for waiting for someone who doesn’t have kids at your age. You are correct. That might be forever. 
 

Plus good solid men who work, etc are hard to find. 
 

I suspect if you both put in the effort and communicate well you’ll be fine.

This... 100%

[Dis]

4 hours ago, preraph said:

My three main thoughts are your boyfriend should buy a bed for that child at his mother's house. That seems like a no-brainer. 

 

You are biting off more than you can chew. This isn't just a child but a special needs child. I've read a lot of divorce and child custody cases in the past, and one thing I noticed is that the man who is about to have joint custody and probably be doing more for the child than he's been doing will go right out and find a woman to help him. And like you said he didn't miss a beat. I think he knows he's going to need someone to take over a lot of the care for him during the time he has this child. if you're a nurse he probably sees you as the ideal person to do it even though you are not even used to being around kids, which I sympathize with because I am not either and I don't want to live like that either. Unlike you I don't even want to wear a bra around the house! 

You need to realize that you still don't know this man that well. It can take a couple of years to see the dark side. Right now he seems great because he's trying to seem great. and because he knows he's dragging a woman he hopes will be also a caretaker into a situation she has no obligation to take on. 

Not sure where it steered off into the direction of villainizing my bf lol

 

He's a nurse too and would never pass the torch of raising his son off to me

 

Not at all concerned about anything you mentioned

 

[Dis]

5 hours ago, preraph said:

My three main thoughts are your boyfriend should buy a bed for that child at his mother's house. That seems like a no-brainer. 

 

 

His ex lives with her mom and brothers in what sounds like a cramped house. There is no empty bedroom for a bed for his son. 

[Emilie Jolie]

32 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I'm just grappling with my feelings on this. I feel annoyed yet other times I feel endeared. It's such a back and forth. Then I think, how can I feel so entitled when I'm coming into his son's life and he's also going to have to share his dad with me which will be really tough for him considering he's so clingy. 

 

Hey you know, you're just thinking things through - that's a good thing, at least you're going into it with your eyes wide open :). There are no secrets to it really, it all hinges on how well you get on as a couple and with his son. You can project all sorts of things and imagine how things may be, but the reality is quite often completely differently. Play it by ear, see how it goes and keep it chill; it'll hopefully all work out. And if it doesn't, you'll have given it your best shot. Nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say

[Dis]

I just facetimed with him and we continued to talk about some of my concerns, especially with his son accustomed to sleeping with him. He said 45% of kids under 12 sleep with their parents (huh?) and that it's perfectly healthy.....

 

But at the same time he said his son will sleep in his own bed when I'm there...

 

Kind of a contradiction, maybe? 

[littleblackheart]

10 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I just facetimed with him and we continued to talk about some of my concerns, especially with his son accustomed to sleeping with him. He said 45% of kids under 12 sleep with their parents (huh?) and that it's perfectly healthy.....

 I had a quick look, I think the stats say around 13% are being allowed to co-sleep with their parents every night. It's not unhealthy, btw.

Either way, it sounds like you're jumping the gun a bit. You're only meeting him in 6 months time, not cohabiting, is that right? Anything can happen in half a year! 

[preraph]

43 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Not sure where it steered off into the direction of villainizing my bf lol

 

He's a nurse too and would never pass the torch of raising his son off to me

 

Not at all concerned about anything you mentioned

 

You're welcome. 

[poppyfields]

@Disillusionment373, I truly hope you grow to love your bf's son, not just like, but love.

I think once you do, IF you do, you might begin to see this whole thing quite differently.

You will discover things about yourself you never knew or thought you'd ever be capable of. 

I think it would increase the emotionally intimacy between you and your bf as well, his son IS a part of him after all.

Try and stay open to this possibility if you can and wish you the best. Stay safe. 

 

 

Edited April 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Dis]

My bf's told me awhile back that his ex said, "I need to meet her because I deserve to know who's going to be around my son" In those words.

 

My bf is worried that I'll leave because it will be too much for me. I think that's why he told me today I don't have to meet her at all. 

 

I'm kind of torn between thinking, thank god and wanting to do my due diligence and meet her because if I had a child I would want to be introduced to the person who was spending time with my kid. It's just the way she said it, kind of aggressive of the bat. There's no need for that. 

 

I'm glad my bf has my back 

[Dis]

41 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

 I had a quick look, I think the stats say around 13% are being allowed to co-sleep with their parents every night. It's not unhealthy, btw.

Either way, it sounds like you're jumping the gun a bit. You're only meeting him in 6 months time, not cohabiting, is that right? Anything can happen in half a year! 

No I'm meeting him this summer and yup, I over think everything 😆 It's one of my downfalls

[elaine567]

I think you need to meet the mother as you will be investing a lot in this and so you need to be up to speed on what you are getting yourself into.
If the child is  n the spectrum or has psychological issues it is probably best you know asap, so you can make an informed decision
Seems he is scared you are going to leave. Why?
is he hoping, by the summer you will be so invested you won't be able to leave no matter what he throws at you...
 

[Dis]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think you need to meet the mother as you will be investing a lot in this and so you need to be up to speed on what you are getting yourself into.
If the child is  n the spectrum or has psychological issues it is probably best you know asap, so you can make an informed decision
Seems he is scared you are going to leave. Why?
is he hoping, by the summer you will be so invested you won't be able to leave no matter what he throws at you...
 

From what I've heard from other people, she's like a bull in a china shop in terms of aggression but I will meet her at some point, briefly for obligatory reasons. Other than that there's no need for me to communicate with her as she won't be a part of my life directly. If I was dealing with a rational woman, I would be more keen on a tad bit more communication. Other than that, it's up to the two of them to co-parent. I won't be a part of that and for good reason. My bf knows I don't need to be involved with her and doesn't want me to be for my sake. 

 

My bf says his son doesn't have a mental health diagnosis and he doesn't see any issue with his son sleeping in bed with him

 

He's thinks I might leave after I meet his son because I've voiced to him my concerns and I've been honest that it might be too much for me to take on. Of course he doesn't want me to leave and it would break my heart if I did. He's not going to "throw" anything at me. My bf is the kindest, most thoughtful man I've ever meet. He goes out of his of his way to make me happy. 

[elaine567]

22 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

He's not going to "throw" anything at me.

You don't know that.
Kids and "divorce" is not an easy situation and some people feel guilty and will get defensive and deny there is anything wrong, as they feel it reflects badly on them.
Do you know if the child always slept with them in their bed every night or is this a new thing since the split?

[Dis]

Just now, elaine567 said:

You don't know that.
Kids and "divorce" is not an easy situation and some people feel guilty and will get defensive and deny there is anything wrong, as they feel it reflects badly on them.
Do you know if the child always slept with them in their bed every night or is this a new thing since the split?

Of course I don't know that with absolute certainty but one can make a judgment based off of another person's actions. He actions show he's selfless, giving and thoughtful. I've been dating him since October. I know the jist by now but of course there's always more to unfold. So far, so good. 

 

They were never married and weren't in it for the long term. I know you made a post a couple pages back that I was villainizing her but all I did was state the what I had heard. She does a pretty good job of villainizing herself considering her actions in her personal and professional life. 

 

He always slept with them since he was a baby. They had a one bedroom apartment when he was born and he would crawl right in. So yup, this is a very deeply rooted habit which I don't think will be easy to break. Not looking forward to it. 

 

 

[Lorenza]

It might not be unhealthy for a child to sleep with their parents, but it's definitely unhealthy for the parents to not have their intimacy. It might take some sleepless nights and a lot of determination to teach his son to sleep on his own. Some parents allows way too much out of guilt due to the divorce and especially if the divorce decreases the child's life quality (his mom not affording things f ex). Of course he's telling you what you want to hear right now and probably believes it himself too, but time will only show if he has the character to discipline his son in a more authoritative manner in order to maintain the relationship.

You don't seem to be considering leaving this man, so just wait and try it out for yourself. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

But at the same time he said his son will sleep in his own bed when I'm there...

My boyfriend is a single father, his son is older. I will say, we kept our own homes for the first three years we were together and I can count on one hand the number of nights that I slept over during that time - usually New Year’s Eve and maybe one or two other nights. Neither one of us wanted his son to deal with a woman staying over and sleeping in his fathers bed, not until I moved into the home. My best friend’s father had a few different women sleep in his bed when we were younger, after the death of her mother. I remember what I thought of that at the time...

It’s not that I don’t think it’s healthy for a child to know their parents share a bedroom or share affection, but I am not his mother and that makes a big difference. He’s also older, and that makes a big difference. We wanted to have healthy boundaries out of respect for his son. 

Now this child is younger, and he has never really known his parents to be together. That will make it easier, but I wouldn’t do it unless you are absolutely sure the relationship is going to be long term. It’s way too confusing for the child if you are suddenly not there anymore... I also don’t think it’s going to be easy for a five year old child to move to his own bed. Cosleeping is very common, but that’s a big change for a little person and it could be quite challenging. 

I will say, I love children and still... dating a man with a child and an ex-wife is not for the faint of heart. It requires a lot of sacrifice, from everyone. Our plans are changed or cancelled frequently. His ex-wife is particularly unreliable and it’s been really difficult as a person who has always had charge of my own life to realize that my life is now affected by the decisions of a woman that I don’t know or have any kind of relationship. It’s not easy. 

Edited April 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[lana-banana]

12 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

My bf says his son doesn't have a mental health diagnosis and he doesn't see any issue with his son sleeping in bed with him

1) Not being diagnosed doesn't mean there isn't an issue---and a five-year-old who isn't just scared of the dark, but who throws fits and cries all night without his dad in bed is almost certainly struggling emotionally or mentally; but more to the point:

2) if your boyfriend doesn't see a problem with it (which is its own red flag), then it's not going to change. You don't get to have input on this issue. That's for Mom and Dad. But I'm pretty alarmed that any parent would be fine with their kid sleeping with them at age 5.

 

Edited April 20, 2020 by lana-banana

[Starswillshine]

A few things from a single mom...

I respect people's feelings regarding children, but it is hard to read that women who don't like kids will date a single dad. I say this because it's possible that my ex will pick some woman who ends up causing hell for my younger girls, and I will likely come unhinged. That being said, as someone else posted, keep your mind open, you might end up loving this little guy.

5 years old is still relatively young. If he sleeps with his mom nightly due to living arrangements, it will be extremely hard for him to break the habit. I always find it hypocritical of us parents to expect our kids to sleep in their rooms alone and not be afraid when if our SO is gone a night, we struggle as well. We sleep next to someone nightly, why are we not more understanding that they might need it, too? (Btw, I didn't co-sleep, it was just something that hit me one night in the struggle to get a 4 year old to stay in her bed). Given the kid has slept in the bed since birth, this is something that cannot be done on your behalf. Dad needs to start working on his son now sleeping in his own room when he is with him. And trust me, I get the need and desire for sleep. But if he waits and only makes him sleep in his own bed when you are there, you will become the evil woman who took away his comfort. 

I have said to my ex the exact same thing, "I deserve to know who will be in their lives." And I stand by that. However, in an ideal world, she and I would be extremely comfortable with each other and friendly. Not go out and grab drinks friendly, but I would love for her to feel comfortable enough to send me a text with a picture of her and the kids doing something fun. Or exchanging stories. At first, I thought I would be bitter and mad about some woman coming in and playing step-mom, but in fact, I just want my ex to date someone who will love my kids like they were her own. Whatever that entails.

My ex did date someone who eventually broke it off with him because she did not want to do the mom thing again (she had older kids). She was an amazing woman, and I have nothing but respect for that. Because she did the right thing and removed herself versus just staying around and beings resentful of my children. So if you find yourself feeling that way already, please move on. Kids will and do pick up on it (I was a step-kid, and I surely felt it. It only got worse when she had children.)

[Miss Spider]

There are plenty of good guys out there in their 30s with no kids....People have kids later these days. This just sounds like a complicated mess already. 

[lurker74]

OP, you are definitely over thinking this one. But the good news is that you're only over thinking things a little. Integrating lives in our 30s and 40s is extremely complicated. We all tend to have patterns in our lives to which we've grown accustomed and now we're supposed to adapt them to a full other set of patterns and expect it to go well. And then we're surprised when dating after 30 fails so often.

Yes, you will have to adapt. So what? you say your BF is great. Is that adaptation not worth it? Be cautious with Loveshack advice. The typical poster here has been through the ringer and is the FIRST person to tell you to punch out of a relationship. But from what I can tell, you BF has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. He chose a poor mate. Yeah? Happens a lot. But now he's chosen you and presumably you like you. He is raising a son as best as he can, which shows responsibility. Much better than a father that is not present in his child's life. Cray ex? So what? He's stuck up for you with her. Don't ever meet her if you don't want (she can complain but it's not a legal requirement) or meet her. You don't have to decide today. In fact, you don't have to decide anything other than this:

Does the joy your BF bring exceed the pain? 

If so, stay. Also, no, a 5 year old should NOT be sleeping in his bed. I get that he wants it...frankly, it's a bit charming...but it is harmful in both the short and long-term, and not just for the two of you.

[Miss Spider]

Maybe it's been complicated for you, lurker, but it's not complicated for everyone, especially if they don't have a ton of baggage and choose people who don't have ton of baggage as well. There are so many people out there, don't know why someone would choose someone with kids if they specifically do not like kids much less someone with so much baggage (crazy baby mama or whatever else)

Edited April 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[SummerDreams]

8 minutes ago, lurker74 said:

You don't have to decide today. In fact, you don't have to decide anything other than this:

Does the joy your BF bring exceed the pain? 

Sorry but you oversimplify things. If the OP and her BF were the only people involved, sure, take it day by day and do whatever you like. But here there's the psyche of a 5 years old involved. This kid will eventually meet her and she will become an important person in his life. She will have the responsibility to be his step mom. It's irresponsible for her to stay in the relationship if she is not sure that she will be able to become a good step mom for the kid. And now is the best time to decide this, before everything becomes more complicated.

[Snow_Queen]

If you’re on the fence about being a step mom in the future, it might be best to cut your losses. I don’t think that’s something one can easily adjust to. There is a lot to take on and you have to not expect anything from the step child.

I have 2 step children and 2 biological. My husband has custody so I help him care for them 24/7. Some days are challenging but I remind myself I’m there to help raise them and not make friends.

Another fear you had was not having as much freedom when the child is present. You absolutely can have fun as a couple with or without kids around. It’s what you make of it and how well you organize everything. The kids can go to grandma/other family for a weekend while you go on a weekend getaway.

 

wanted to edit so I could add that all 4 kids are with us at all times. It is possible to schedule alone time.

Edited April 20, 2020 by Snow_Queen

[SummerDreams]

It's unfair that this kid will always be a burden for the OP.

[Marc878]

Not necessarily it may workout fine.