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Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

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Mystery4u Established Member

Mystery4u

Posted
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Has a kid.. who needs more attention than most.. weird ex still around.. that would be too much baggage for me personally. I had an ex who had a daughter from a previous marriage and I told myself never again. I want to raise my own child not someone else's. Could never develop feelings for it like I'm sure I will for my own one day.

As great as he is, are you really going to be happy long term, being 2nd on his list of priorities?

Sounds like you already know what you want, to be with someone with whom you only focus on each other and then build an empire together. Doesn't sound like this relationship is it.

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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6 minutes ago, snowcones said:

I'm a single parent who did this with my last boyfriend, but in retrospect, it's kind of ridiculous, because who ever knows if a relationship is going to last?  I mean, even marriages don't last.  No one knows if a relationship is going to last.  I can understand a parent waiting to introduce the kids because they want to make sure this person they are dating is not a danger to their kids, but waiting to be sure the relationship is going to last?  Ridiculous. You can't know that.  Also, exactly how long do you wait?  If you wait too long, then you just introduce other terrible dynamics into the relationship. With my last boyfriend, I too had the notion that I needed to wait until I was sure about him.  By sure, I mean that I wanted to be sure that he was someone I wanted in my life for long-term.  But guess what?  By the time I felt that way, by the time I felt sure that we were going to be serious and go on with this, he had gotten used to us being together WITHOUT kids.  He had gotten used to it only being us two when we were together.  He had gotten used to our footloose and fancy-free dynamic when it was just the two of us where we weren't bogged down with the kids needs/wants/desires.  So after waiting 6-8 months and it came time for me to introduce him to my kids and become "a family" he was not into it.  That was not the precedent that had been set already and not what he was enjoying, so he wasn't all that excited about it. And of course, his reaction was a major downer and boner-killer for me. And my reaction to his reaction came as a surprise to him and he didn't know what was wrong and I was shocked that he didn't realize what was wrong and the whole thing was  just a major mess and mistake.  I will never "wait" to introduce the kids again.  It's going to happen right away, in order to weed out the kid-haters,  like Steve Harvey suggests too.

I have met a few people with this dating strategy. They always made certain that the contact was limited AND that the relationship was characterized as a 'friendship' and appeared as one. 

snowcones Established Member

snowcones

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I have met a few people with this dating strategy. They always made certain that the contact was limited AND that the relationship was characterized as a 'friendship' and appeared as one. 

I assume you mean the dating strategy of introducing them early and keeping it limited and light at first?   I agree.

Edited by snowcones
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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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Dang it! I read some of the other posts and there is more to THIS relationship or of the OP that I don't know about? 🙄

Anyway, the OP clearly has serious doubts about how she would serve as a step-parent or whether she will even treat this child as lovingly as she would her own. It's not enough that she likes the father....

I have no reason to believe that the child's mother would be a problem as I only have the words of the OP that comes from the exH who never intended to have a LTR, but got the exW (or is it gf???) pregnant. I have no idea if why the exW is so angry. Also, the OP hasn't even met or spoken to the boy's mother. A lot going on here...

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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5 minutes ago, snowcones said:

I assume you mean the dating strategy of introducing them early and keeping it limited and light at first?   I agree.

Yes. I am a very protective single parent and raised my kids on my own for the most part. I can see the logic in this, but my natural parenting instincts prevent me from moving in this direction based on past experience. :D But I get it. 

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted (edited)

My three main thoughts are your boyfriend should buy a bed for that child at his mother's house. That seems like a no-brainer. 

 

You are biting off more than you can chew. This isn't just a child but a special needs child. I've read a lot of divorce and child custody cases in the past, and one thing I noticed is that the man who is about to have joint custody and probably be doing more for the child than he's been doing will go right out and find a woman to help him. And like you said he didn't miss a beat. I think he knows he's going to need someone to take over a lot of the care for him during the time he has this child. if you're a nurse he probably sees you as the ideal person to do it even though you are not even used to being around kids, which I sympathize with because I am not either and I don't want to live like that either. Unlike you I don't even want to wear a bra around the house! 

You need to realize that you still don't know this man that well. It can take a couple of years to see the dark side. Right now he seems great because he's trying to seem great. and because he knows he's dragging a woman he hopes will be also a caretaker into a situation she has no obligation to take on. 

Edited by preraph
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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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2 minutes ago, preraph said:

My three main thoughts are your boyfriend should buy a bed for that child at his mother's house. That seems like a no-brainer. 

 

You are biting off more than you can chew. This isn't just a child but a special needs child. I've read a lot of divorce and child custody cases in the past, and one thing I noticed is that the man who is about to have joint custody and probably be doing more for the child than he's been doing we'll go right out and find a woman to help him. And like you said he didn't miss a beat. I think he knows he's going to need someone to take over a lot of the cure for him during the time he has this child. if you're a nurse he probably sees you as the ideal person to do it even though you are not even used to being around kids, which I sympathize with because I am not either and I don't want to live like that either. Unlike you I don't even want to wear a bra around the house! 

You need to realize that you still don't know this man that well. It can take a couple of years to see the dark side. Right now he seems great because he's trying to seem great. and because he knows he's dragging a woman he hopes will be also a caretaker into a situation she has no obligation to take on. 

Cynical and realistic, unfortunately. 

I haven't had enough coffee as I missed that the boy is special needs. Ugh. Sorry. 

Again, this really tosses me with more questions. The boy is special needs and lives with the 'crazy' mother without a job. AND...you don't really like children or doubt whether you will love this boy as much as yours...messy. 

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Posted

Yes and I don't see how his mother could have a job if she's taking care of a special needs boy depending on the severity of course and her local resources. but I certainly wouldn't jump to the conclusion there's something irresponsible about her not working if anyone is. 

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snowcones Established Member

snowcones

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12 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

 A lot going on here...

Yes, A LOT! 

 

13 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Yes. I am a very protective single parent and raised my kids on my own for the most part. I can see the logic in this, but my natural parenting instincts prevent me from moving in this direction based on past experience. :D But I get it. 

Well, nothing is ever foolproof, to be honest.  With these sorts of things, you just have to keep your intuition really sharp and PAY ATTENTION to all the signs.  Don't brush off anything.

 

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Emilie Jolie Established Member

Emilie Jolie

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RE meeting the kids, it probably depends on the age of the kids? My SO didn't really torture himself over when to have the boys meet me, but they were 15+ years old. I'm the only one their father introduced them to, it was less than 3 months in. It was no big deal, we met at the youngest drama play thing at school then went for a meal, it was totally relaxed. RLs come and go, kids can understand that, it's part of life. If it's handled with their welfare in mind, not sure if there's any trauma. I'm not a parent but I saw first hand a few kick-ass parents deal with this stuff (SO included), and meeting the kids doesn't have to be this big thing. I know it made it low pressure for me to meet them quickly as I didn't feel like snooping around and pretending we were friends when we clearly weren't. I guess everyone does what feels right for them. 

 

I also missed the part where the boy is special needs, but I don't see it making much of a difference for the OP; if you don't mind looking after a 5yo, you won't mind looking after a special needs 5yo. OP, if you are already struggling with the idea, the reality will be even more of a struggle.

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snowcones Established Member

snowcones

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15 minutes ago, preraph said:

 Unlike you I don't even want to wear a bra around the house!

You keep those boobies free, Preraph, girl!   Don't wear a bra.  Stay free and clear!  😂

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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8 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yes and I don't see how his mother could have a job if she's taking care of a special needs boy depending on the severity of course and her local resources. but I certainly wouldn't jump to the conclusion there's something irresponsible about her not working if anyone is. 

I was simply re-iterating what the OP was saying. I have no reason to believe anything about the mother. Responsible or not. Crazy or not. :) 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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8 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

You kind of echoed my exact thoughts but the reality is I love him to death and he adores me. He's worth it every trouble this could bring.

This thread has taken a strange direction, with talk about the ex and when it's time to meet the kids, which OP said are not the issues.

The issue is @Dissillusionment, you don't like kids, specifically other people's kids, and later down the road, once honeymoon period ends, this fact IS going to present problems. 

You will become resentful of his kid, you will feel resentful that you can't walk around in your underwear, while sipping wine, like you mentioned in your initial post, resentful that his kid is receiving more attention than you, resentful at your more restrictive lifestyle during the times he has his kid.

Not to mention what if something happens to his ex, like she died, after which your bf, or if you marry, your husband and you will have the kid full time, with you being his step mom and fulfilling that role.

I think it's important to think about these things before forging ahead, especially given the fact you fully admit to not liking kids..

Good luck!

Edited by poppyfields
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Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hmm, I understand that you like  him very much, but keep in mind that you're entering drama territory and willingly taking on some inevitable complications you wouldn't have to go through with a childless man. Complications being: 
- Doing your absolute best to win that needy little boy's heart while at the same time bringing some negatives changes in his life. He might associate you with needing to sleep in his own bed and sharing his dad's attention with you. It might be hard to make him like you while he's so little and has behaviour problems. 
- Dad feeling overwhelmed seeing his son unhappy, in case the boy will behave worse due to you being in the picture.
- You two will plan your free time around his son. No spontaneos weekend trips or pampering evenings. No relaxing sunday mornings in bed for quite a while. 
And so on. 
If you're ready, you're ready. Are you though? 

Edited by Lorenza
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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Hey everyone! 

 

I'm a 33 year old female and my bf is 39. He has a 5 year old son who I'll be meeting in the summer. My bf and I met at work about a year and a half ago and were both in relationships until the end of last summer when we both became single. When we started talking and getting to know each other he turned out to be the most kind, patient, attentive man I could dream of. My prior choices in dating were men who were inpatient, abusive and unfaithful. He's also dated woman who treated him poorly. He seemed to be someone who I always dreamt of being with...someone who would love me, lust over me, someone who would be a team with me, someone I could give my all to and receive the same kind of love in return...and he still is. I must have earned some serious karma points to end up with him. 

 

When we first started dating the timing was off. He was as freshly single as he could be and in retrospect, wasn't ready and I, wasn't adjusting well to dating a single dad. I've never dated a single father before nor have I had much time around kids. I wasn't used to the dynamic of children having to come first and what that means for a relationship. We spent some time apart and for the first time in my life, I couldn't put a past relationship behind me. All I did was think about him and about where I went wrong. I knew I had royally screwed up. He was so lovely, so giving and genuine... I couldn't let him go. 

 

We got back together after a month and a half of being apart and things are back to where they should have been. I made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father but I have still concerns about how I'm going to handle this long term. 

 

Tbh, I'm not a huge fan of kids....yes, yes I know this makes me an awful person 😂 . I want children of my own one day but I think I'll be one of those moms who loves and adores her own kids but not so much other's. I guess at this point in my life I've gotten used to doing my own thing, walking around the house in a bra, sipping wine, watching whatever I want on TV, getting a full peaceful nights sleep every night, and all the luxuries that come along with not having children. I'm also not the most patient person in the world and I'm used to dating men without kids and spending our free time focused on each other not a child. 

 

His son also sleeps in the same bed as him and has since he was a toddler. His son seems to throw a fit when he puts him in his own bed and stays up all night crying. My bf has assured me when I stay over his son with sleep in his own bed but...I mean I'm not a parent but I'm pretty sure a 5 year old that's been sleeping in his parent's bed his whole life isn't just going to wake up one day and not have an issue sleeping on his own. 

 

I'm guess I'm just scared about all of this. I'm fearful I won't adjust well to incorporating his son into our lives as a couple. I'm scared about having a little human around who needs/wants/cries/screams/doesn't sleep. I've heard that sometimes when you date a single parent your relationship with them becomes kind of obsolete once the child is involved, no more sex, no more adult time. Our sex life is out of this world which is hard earned for both of us coming from practically sex-less relationships with our most recent ex's.  We've talked about all of this and he assures me it's not what I fear it to be and that we will both do whatever we need to do to keep each other happy. 

 

I would do anything to be with him. As I've gushed about, he's utterly amazing. I want nothing more than to fall in love with his son, cook dinners and lunches and become a happy little family. I'm just trepidatious about the coming months and not quite sure what to expect

 

Any advice? 

 

Thanks! 😀

OP, I don't know your back story nor am I going to trawl the site to get more detail; I'll just go with what you've written in this thread out of fairness.

This is what I understand, let me know if I got any of it wrong:

you got together but broke up because neither of you were in the right head-space to start a relationship in earnest

you got back together because you have strong feelings with each other, you talked about your individual concerns, found common ground and decided to give it a go.

the childcare pattern is 4 days on / 4 days off, which means you will have quality one on one time with him half the week.

you want it to work but are a bit anxious about how it'll play out (which is perfectly normal and healthy, tbf).

you seem to be wearing 'sex tinted glasses' (also normal for what still is a young relationship)

the only issue you seem to have is figuring out what your role is in their set-up, and the child's sleeping patterns.

My experience with regards to sleep: my son (high functioning autistic) had night terrors and fractured sleep until he was 10. While it is definitely tempting to have let him sleep with me  because it's much easier than having to wake up a million times a night to calm him down or check up on him, he had his own bed and slept in it for the most part. BUT what helped is that as a single parent with full primary care, there was no conflicting or mixed messages between the parents, I dealt with it all on my own. To be frank, I would not have wanted to involve a third party that was not his parent into this situation, because I didn't want the added pressure. I have another child so the situation is a little different to yours, but my children were (and still are) my top priority and I didn't want to disrupt their lives further at that point.

It sounds like both parents here are a little overwhelmed, which I totally understand, and this little boy sounds like he has some trouble processing all the changes in his life. This is something the parents need to find a solution to together; if they have judged that having their son sleeping with them is the right thing to do, then that's what they should do. This may be something you have to accept for now. Unfortunately, where this little boy sleeps is not your call to make, nor should it be.

With that said, things may have settled in 6 months time, so maybe try not to overthink?

. 

 

Edited by littleblackheart
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Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

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Op, I have two young children of my own. However in my mid 20s (way before I met my ex husband and father of my children) I  dated a man with a 7 year old child for 2 years. 
 

I was like you. Before meeting this child I had very little contact with children. Admittedly I wasn’t keen on kids. I didn’t know what to do, what to say and generally I felt ... awkward around them. At first it felt like torture when I was around his son -apart from not knowing what to do/ say I had to spend every weekend doing “boy” activities that I had 0 interest in. I didn’t like the infringement on my time,  nor did I like sharing my Ex partner. Selfish I know. 
 

However as time went on, I simply relaxed and I opened my heart to this child and the things that he wanted to do. I put aside what I wanted and I made this boy my focus when he was around. I found that I enjoyed it; I’d sing songs that I used to sing, I’d swing in the park like a monkey (good exercise) and I started to really enjoy his company. It really opened my eyes and got me over my irrational fear of children. In fact he was the reason I decided I wanted children. 
 

So my advice to you is go with the flow. Don’t pre- empt what will and won’t be difficult. All children come with challenges. Relax and you will adjust. 
 

IMO the hardest thing about dating a single dad is if and when you ever break up. You then have double the grief to deal with (which is what happened to me in the above scenario). 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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Yup, the gut never lies

 

Tbh, my intuition feels peaceful about my bf

 

The only thing I have concerns about how are I'll adjust to becoming a step mom and how his ex will behave 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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2 hours ago, Lorenza said:

Hmm, I understand that you like  him very much, but keep in mind that you're entering drama territory and willingly taking on some inevitable complications you wouldn't have to go through with a childless man. Complications being: 
- Doing your absolute best to win that needy little boy's heart while at the same time bringing some negatives changes in his life. He might associate you with needing to sleep in his own bed and sharing his dad's attention with you. It might be hard to make him like you while he's so little and has behaviour problems. 
- Dad feeling overwhelmed seeing his son unhappy, in case the boy will behave worse due to you being in the picture.
- You two will plan your free time around his son. No spontaneos weekend trips or pampering evenings. No relaxing sunday mornings in bed for quite a while. 
And so on. 
If you're ready, you're ready. Are you though? 

I don't know if I'm ready but tbh, I have never met a man that checks all the boxes like he does. And because of that I want to see this through. Aside from him drama with his kid and the ex, he, as a bf, is utterly perfect. I have done a lot of dating, I've done the leg work and I've done my time with screwed up men who don't care for me. I've finally found a man who treats me like a queen and I love him so deeply. It's not wise to throw the baby out with the bath water just because there are some obstacles to overcome like any other relationship.

At 33 I have to assume most people in my age bracket will have kids so it's not like I'm 22 and deciding to date a single dad. 

I am bummed about the fact we won't have lazy mornings and spontaneous day trips though. I never imagined I would end up with someone who can't fully devote his time to me. It's going to be a big adjustment and I'll have to figure out if this is ok with me. 

My bf is a wonderful dad. Very patient, gentle and teaches him good manners. He tells me he has implements rules with his son and that I don't need to be concerned about behavioral issues....but at the same time...why is he still allowing his son to sleep in his bed? That kind of tells me maybe despite him telling me he tells his son, no...that maybe he doesn't 

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Dis Established Member

Dis

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I have never said his son was special needs. My bf says he isn't and tbh, he's not a huge fan of psychology so maybe he's overlooking something. I just mentioned the fact that he's 5 years old and is still sleeping in his mom and my bf's bed. People drew their conclusions from there. 

 

But yes, I do agree that something might be off with his son because of this. Maybe an attachment disorder? I'm not sure. Whenever my bf face times he puts on a movie for his son and tells him to sit tight while he goes upstairs to talk to me. After 10 minutes pass, his son comes back upstairs and sometimes says he has to pee and can't pee alone. 

 

I'm not a parent so I don't know if this is normal but it does seem a little extra for a 5 year old

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Dis Established Member

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52 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op, I have two young children of my own. However in my mid 20s (way before I met my ex husband and father of my children) I  dated a man with a 7 year old child for 2 years. 
 

I was like you. Before meeting this child I had very little contact with children. Admittedly I wasn’t keen on kids. I didn’t know what to do, what to say and generally I felt ... awkward around them. At first it felt like torture when I was around his son -apart from not knowing what to do/ say I had to spend every weekend doing “boy” activities that I had 0 interest in. I didn’t like the infringement on my time,  nor did I like sharing my Ex partner. Selfish I know. 
 

However as time went on, I simply relaxed and I opened my heart to this child and the things that he wanted to do. I put aside what I wanted and I made this boy my focus when he was around. I found that I enjoyed it; I’d sing songs that I used to sing, I’d swing in the park like a monkey (good exercise) and I started to really enjoy his company. It really opened my eyes and got me over my irrational fear of children. In fact he was the reason I decided I wanted children. 
 

So my advice to you is go with the flow. Don’t pre- empt what will and won’t be difficult. All children come with challenges. Relax and you will adjust. 
 

IMO the hardest thing about dating a single dad is if and when you ever break up. You then have double the grief to deal with (which is what happened to me in the above scenario). 

 

Thanks so much for this. It was immensely helpful. 


I feel awkward around kids as well and my go to emotion around them is to feel, annoyed. I already feel annoyed when his son interrupts our facetiming which he does every time. I'm not going to like having to share my bf with his son which is super selfish and I beat myself up about that all the time. I have no interest in kid things, probably because I'm an adult 😂 and that concerns me. I would have a hard time sitting through one of those animated movies and doing little boy things. 

 

But at the same time, I have moments where I think his son could really grow on me and I could care for him as if he were my own. I think like you, I might end up loving him with time and caring for him. It's in my nature to be nurturing and caring and I could see that translating into me loving being a step mom after I adjust. 

 

I think constantly about what it's going to be like. I can already feel myself getting annoyed picturing his son getting jealous and being attached to my bf at the hip when I'm around which will be difficult. But other times I feel myself warming up the idea and becoming a happy family which is what I really want. It's kind of like a back and forth in my mind. A tug of war. I either thing this is going to be amazing or hell. Or it might be really hard at first and then become something I feel lucky to have. 

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Honestly, a lot of parents who looovvve their own kids don't like to be around other people's kids.  It doesn't make you a bad person.  But I don't see that going well, because I am the same way.  I don't like kids interrupting at all.  May not be anything he can do about it and may be that he can't be trained out of it or something.  But a lot of parents don't even try.  

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Dis Established Member

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10 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

My partner was a single father when I met him (chance meeting at a mutual friend's housewarming party).

This is my first (and hopefully last) RL with a single parent. Nowhere near on my radar at that point, and I think it surprised us both.

His boys were full on teenagers at the time and he had 100% custody for the first 2 years or so (there were conflicts with the mother, who left the household for another guy, now all resolved). I met them quite soon after we got together because they were old enough to understand what the deal was. Like you, I was his first RL, 1 year post divorce.

The only issues we ever had blending our lives together stemmed from me dragging me feet a little. I was struggling with dealing with so many new people in my life at once; they, on the other hand, were nothing short of welcoming and respectful of me.

I decided earlier on I was not going to be a 'step parent', more like an extra friendly face the boys could come to to offload or ask for advice or whatever. 

I'm not saying it was easy, but everything fell into place naturally. What it came down to, in honesty, is that my SO is a wonderful father who has the respect of his boys, we are very compatible as a couple and we have the same communication style.

I got to know his exW over time; we're not friends but neither of us are prone to drama so it's all very civil. Another sign of how great my partner is; he never really badmouthed her so I had made no prejudgement about her. In your situation, whatever her circumstances, she is the boy's mother and your bf's co-parent, all you can do is accept the situation as it is and only involve yourself to make things run as smoothly and peacefully as possible for the little boy's sake.

For me, what I felt was the trickiest part was giving up some of my freedom; we actually broke up after a trial period of all living together because I couldn't handle it - the noise, the fact there was always someone in the house with you, the food habits, etc. In hindsight, it was a bit self-centered of me; they had lived as a male trio for a year, and I was the one disrupting their lives. 

The thing to remember is that kids grow up, dynamics change, all sorts of things can happen in life, etc. If you genuinely care for each other, it'll fall into place with some strong communication and give-and-take both ways. 

Good luck!

 

Thanks so much for this! 

Giving up my freedom, yup. That's going to be very tricky. I think about it all the time that whenever we have a day off, his son is always going to be there. Kind of like a roommate, who is a child, I guess? I don't know what to equate it to but it's definitely going to cramp my lifestyle. I feel so selfish thinking all of these things. And I know I can come across that way. It's not my intention nor am I proud of it. I'm just grappling with my feelings on this. I feel annoyed yet other times I feel endeared. It's such a back and forth. Then I think, how can I feel so entitled when I'm coming into his son's life and he's also going to have to share his dad with me which will be really tough for him considering he's so clingy. 

 

My bf never really badmouths his ex either. He's just told me the facts about her, the good and the bad. I hear a lot more bad from other people than I do from him. He respects her as his son's mother. He's a kind person. He doesn't really demean or talk badly about anyone. Our communication is strong and I'm glad about that. We'll need it. 

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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There are always trade offs in life. As for waiting for someone who doesn’t have kids at your age. You are correct. That might be forever. 
 

Plus good solid men who work, etc are hard to find. 
 

I suspect if you both put in the effort and communicate well you’ll be fine.

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Dis Established Member

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1 hour ago, littleblackheart said:

OP, I don't know your back story nor am I going to trawl the site to get more detail; I'll just go with what you've written in this thread out of fairness.

This is what I understand, let me know if I got any of it wrong:

you got together but broke up because neither of you were in the right head-space to start a relationship in earnest

you got back together because you have strong feelings with each other, you talked about your individual concerns, found common ground and decided to give it a go.

the childcare pattern is 4 days on / 4 days off, which means you will have quality one on one time with him half the week.

you want it to work but are a bit anxious about how it'll play out (which is perfectly normal and healthy, tbf).

you seem to be wearing 'sex tinted glasses' (also normal for what still is a young relationship)

the only issue you seem to have is figuring out what your role is in their set-up, and the child's sleeping patterns.

My experience with regards to sleep: my son (high functioning autistic) had night terrors and fractured sleep until he was 10. While it is definitely tempting to have let him sleep with me  because it's much easier than having to wake up a million times a night to calm him down or check up on him, he had his own bed and slept in it for the most part. BUT what helped is that as a single parent with full primary care, there was no conflicting or mixed messages between the parents, I dealt with it all on my own. To be frank, I would not have wanted to involve a third party that was not his parent into this situation, because I didn't want the added pressure. I have another child so the situation is a little different to yours, but my children were (and still are) my top priority and I didn't want to disrupt their lives further at that point.

It sounds like both parents here are a little overwhelmed, which I totally understand, and this little boy sounds like he has some trouble processing all the changes in his life. This is something the parents need to find a solution to together; if they have judged that having their son sleeping with them is the right thing to do, then that's what they should do. This may be something you have to accept for now. Unfortunately, where this little boy sleeps is not your call to make, nor should it be.

With that said, things may have settled in 6 months time, so maybe try not to overthink?

. 

 

Yup that's pretty much it in a nutshell except we he has his son 3 days a week, on our days off. The 4 days a week he doesn't have him we work. So 100% of our time off will be spent with his son and that's going to be difficult. We're both nurses so the unwinding time I'm accustomed to I will no longer have. 

 

It's absolutely not my decision as to where his son sleeps. But I don't think it's necessarily healthy for a 5 year old to sleep with his parents. He says the same thing you touched on. That it's easier to have his son sleep with him than it is to wake up several times a night to put his son back to bed. He assures me his son won't be sleeping in bed with us. I think he's just going to put his son back to sleep when he wakes him up. If he said his son would be sleeping with us, I would be out  🥱

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