Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

[Dis]

13 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Did not say you had to have a lot of communication with her. I simply bundled all of you together. If I were a parent in her position, or even your position, I would have some reasonable expectation that there would some communication had. You will be helping raise this child. You will be part of the team effort and hopefully she will be cordial and supportive to that. 

I'm not sure she's a team player type lol 

[Marc878]

6 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

And I have seen too many instance where failure to communicate has created huge issues. If all involved are willing to work this out then let it start in a positive manner. A 5 year old is involved. The OP has yet to communicate with the mother, so not need to sees failure before it’s begun. In the end, the father has a lot to smooth over as a foundation as he is the bridge to all involved.

History is the best predictor of future results. The father can only control his end his time. This isn't a perfect world. You do the best with what you have to work with.

I've managed as many as 750 over multiple departments. The one thing I've learned is once someone passes their early 20's their character rarley changes.

[SummerDreams]

I never say never but this is a thing that comes close to never for me, I'd never be with someone who has a kid and an ex who will always be in our lives and I get to be the stepmom. No.

But since you like him and you are willing to try, go for it. I can't really advise you to leave him because you are saying you really like him and don't want to lose him.

Only the thought of it though makes me want to scream. A relationship is hard enough when only two people (who love each other) are involved. Imagine having a kid and a bitter ex in the mix.,...Nonononono.

[Marc878]

2 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

I never say never but this is a thing that comes close to never for me, I'd never be with someone who has a kid and an ex who will always be in our lives and I get to be the stepmom. No.

But since you like him and you are willing to try, go for it. I can't really advise you to leave him because you are saying you really like him and don't want to lose him.

Only the thought of it though makes me want to scream. A relationship is hard enough when only two people (who love each other) are involved. Imagine having a kid and a bitter ex in the mix.,...Nonononono.

Only good path is to keep the X out. She has her time, they have theirs.

seen this one more times than I care to count

[Dis]

21 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

I never say never but this is a thing that comes close to never for me, I'd never be with someone who has a kid and an ex who will always be in our lives and I get to be the stepmom. No.

But since you like him and you are willing to try, go for it. I can't really advise you to leave him because you are saying you really like him and don't want to lose him.

Only the thought of it though makes me want to scream. A relationship is hard enough when only two people (who love each other) are involved. Imagine having a kid and a bitter ex in the mix.,...Nonononono.

You kind of echoed my exact thoughts but the reality is I love him to death and he adores me. He's worth it every trouble this could bring. 

 

Plus I'm 33. Most people have ex's and kids at this point. This isn't an uncommon situation. It's just not ideal either. 

[Dis]

20 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Only good path is to keep the X out. She has her time, they have theirs.

seen this one more times than I care to count

Everything is very much separate in their lives which I'm grateful for

 

They never had the intention of being together long term but she ended up pregnant unexpectedly. The only reason why they stayed together after that was to try for some normalcy for their son. So when they split the only thing that changed was they no longer lived together. 

[elaine567]

Why exactly did they split, did he leave her or did she leave him?
Was there anyone else involved and how long have they been separated/divorced?

[Emilie Jolie]

My partner was a single father when I met him (chance meeting at a mutual friend's housewarming party).

This is my first (and hopefully last) RL with a single parent. Nowhere near on my radar at that point, and I think it surprised us both.

His boys were full on teenagers at the time and he had 100% custody for the first 2 years or so (there were conflicts with the mother, who left the household for another guy, now all resolved). I met them quite soon after we got together because they were old enough to understand what the deal was. Like you, I was his first RL, 1 year post divorce.

The only issues we ever had blending our lives together stemmed from me dragging me feet a little. I was struggling with dealing with so many new people in my life at once; they, on the other hand, were nothing short of welcoming and respectful of me.

I decided earlier on I was not going to be a 'step parent', more like an extra friendly face the boys could come to to offload or ask for advice or whatever. 

I'm not saying it was easy, but everything fell into place naturally. What it came down to, in honesty, is that my SO is a wonderful father who has the respect of his boys, we are very compatible as a couple and we have the same communication style.

I got to know his exW over time; we're not friends but neither of us are prone to drama so it's all very civil. Another sign of how great my partner is; he never really badmouthed her so I had made no prejudgement about her. In your situation, whatever her circumstances, she is the boy's mother and your bf's co-parent, all you can do is accept the situation as it is and only involve yourself to make things run as smoothly and peacefully as possible for the little boy's sake.

For me, what I felt was the trickiest part was giving up some of my freedom; we actually broke up after a trial period of all living together because I couldn't handle it - the noise, the fact there was always someone in the house with you, the food habits, etc. In hindsight, it was a bit self-centered of me; they had lived as a male trio for a year, and I was the one disrupting their lives. 

The thing to remember is that kids grow up, dynamics change, all sorts of things can happen in life, etc. If you genuinely care for each other, it'll fall into place with some strong communication and give-and-take both ways. 

Good luck!

 

Edited April 19, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[SummerDreams]

The thing is that the OP (and every childfree person who has a R with a single parent) is suddenly required not only to be a partner but also a step mom to a little child. I mean, being a parent to your own kid is the hardest thing in the world where you have the whole responsibility and freedom in the same time to act and raise it how ever you like. The OP will always have to take permission on how to act from her BF and the kid's mother, and it's totally normal. I have two sisters who are very young, the youngest is 5,5 years old and I don't feel I have permission to treat her how I want, like ask her to not do something or do something. So all these thoughts and circumstances will complicate things.

Also OP think about the future, lets say you decide to have a baby yourself, you will now have to be able to make this baby welcome to your step son's life with him being threatened or upset. You are saying he is a sensitive kid. Will you be able to find the balance needed to treat everyone in the correct way? Is there a chance you will focus more on your baby and your step son and your BF become frustrated by it?

Maybe you love him that much so you will overcome all these obstacles and make this work and I wish you the best.

[elaine567]

You have just come out of a dreadful relationship where you tied yourself in knots trying to make it work.
I believe nurses often end up in bad relationships as they are too nice for their own good.
They want to please, they want to care, they want to love, they want to "fix" and their capacity to put up with "stuff" is almost limitless 
You were in hell with that guy and now you have grabbed on to another.
You went from sleeping on a cold hard floor to a soft, cosy feather bed and it was all so wonderful. Paradise. After all that hell it was bliss...
BUT now you are rested, you are starting to look around and  whilst the bed is nice and warm, you are not so sure about the surroundings the wallpaper is faded and the carpet is not to your liking. Paradise is looking a tad more lacklustre.

Problems.
A) Rebound - both of you may be the other's rebound. Neither of these old relationships were "simple". Emotional baggage guaranteed.
B) He is too old, If you want kids. A 35yo man should be your age limit.
C) He has a young child, a son, his first born, that kid is the real deal here. The child sounds like he already has some "issues" and may not take well to you being in his Dad's life..
Your kids if you have them, may always be seen as less than, second best... 
D) He has a bitter ex. You need to ask yourself why is she so bitter? Did living with your guy cause the bitterness? Why did all his exes treat him so badly? Unfortunately, he is the common denominator...

Seems you are doing what a lot of women do and that is to demonise the ex. They were never in love, it was a relationship of convenience, they were never meant to be.
It sets up a competition, she was never "the one", but YOU are going to be his one true love.
She may tell a different story... What was his real reason for shutting down you meeting the ex?
Be careful

[snowcones]

How serious about wanting to have kids of your own?    I'm sensing that you're not that serious about it.  Because if you keep finding problems with this guy and picking fights, he's going to pick up on that and NOT want to get pregnant with you until you act more happy and chill, and then you're going to wake up one day and be past the age to have kids.  And that might be fine with you too, I've seen it happen before with other women, and they were fine with it, mostly because they weren't all that serious about having kids anyway.  It was more important to them to be happy in the absolute right relationship with the right guy.  These are all things you have to evaluate.  And don't be mad at me for saying all this, it's the truth.

[Malin889]

8 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

He wanted to wait 6 to 8 months before I met his son which I think is wise. He's planning on taking us all out to eat or to the park in the summer to meet after COVID passes. 

Do you already live with your boyfriend or are you moving in after the pandemic is over? It sounds like the three of you were going to be living together, but I wasn’t sure. 

[Malin889]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You have just come out of a dreadful relationship where you tied yourself in knots trying to make it work.
I believe nurses often end up in bad relationships as they are too nice for their own good.

You were in hell with that guy and now you have grabbed on to another.
You went from sleeping on a cold hard floor to a soft, cosy feather bed and it was all so wonderful. Paradise. After all that hell it was bliss...
 

I’m confused, was this a past relationship or the same guy? Was this in another post? 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

I’m confused, was this a past relationship or the same guy? Was this in another post? 

Its a .long story see previous threads

[thefooloftheyear]

All the usual red flags have already been discussed and I agree with most...

One of the important aspects is that if you actually do want kids of your own, and are at the age where its "shyt or get off the pot" time with that decision, then what does he feel about it, in light of all of the issues he's going through with parenthood and his situation? 

I actually feel very bad for this child.,..I don't know all the story, but it seems like he's not happy at all..

I think you should focus more on not whether or not his situation gets better or worse, that will be what it is, and you will have little control over it....Instead focus on what is best for you moving forward...I agree with you that most men you start to meet at advanced age and moving forward are likely to have kids/ex so its hard to completely close that out... But again...if it's not what you can envision your life to be moving forward, then you may just wind up wasting more time...

My best to you , 

TFY

[Malin889]

39 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Its a .long story see previous threads

Oh I couldn’t find it, I just found a thread about going out with a guy who already had a girlfriend, which isn’t good either... I’m assuming that’s not what you were referring to?

[snowcones]

28 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

All the usual red flags have already been discussed and I agree with most...

One of the important aspects is that if you actually do want kids of your own, and are at the age where its "shyt or get off the pot" time with that decision, then what does he feel about it, in light of all of the issues he's going through with parenthood and his situation? 

I actually feel very bad for this child.,..I don't know all the story, but it seems like he's not happy at all..

I think you should focus more on not whether or not his situation gets better or worse, that will be what it is, and you will have little control over it....Instead focus on what is best for you moving forward...I agree with you that most men you start to meet at advanced age and moving forward are likely to have kids/ex so its hard to completely close that out... But again...if it's not what you can envision your life to be moving forward, then you may just wind up wasting more time...

My best to you , 

TFY

+1

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Oh I couldn’t find it, 

Click on D373's profile name, then "See their activity", then "Topics". That will bring up all the threads she has started.

[lana-banana]

11 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

His son also sleeps in the same bed as him and has since he was a toddler. His son seems to throw a fit when he puts him in his own bed and stays up all night crying. My bf has assured me when I stay over his son with sleep in his own bed but...I mean I'm not a parent but I'm pretty sure a 5 year old that's been sleeping in his parent's bed his whole life isn't just going to wake up one day and not have an issue sleeping on his own. 

His son is on the spectrum. For that reason alone you should expect his ex to spend a more-than-average amount of time in his life. Coparenting is hard even in the best circumstances; coparenting a special needs child is something else altogether. This situation is going to involve a lot of communication, compromise, and grace.

[Gr8fuln2020]

6 hours ago, Marc878 said:

From what OP has pointed out the chances of them all being one big happy team are slim at best. This is not unusual. I know 3 others 2 of which have younger kids. They just keep everything separate. Civil but separate.  It works great in these situations.

I have seen 2 relationships end. The outside looking-in party was the one who left because they simply could not, finally, handle the dysfunction that was occurring. For one, it was clear from the start that the exH was simply creating separation as he had created the illusion that his exW was bat-*!%$#-crazy. That it she was to be avoided at all costs from the start. Most knew that wasn't the case. Eventually more came to light and things started to unravel. The other relationship was more complicated or perhaps less...like the OP, the man in this case, already came into the relationship having serious doubts about dating a single mother of younger kids (a little older than 5), hung in there for about a year until he finally just decided it was not for him. Oddly enough, this guy actually had a decent relationship with the exH and helped with the kids.  

[snowcones]

One of my good friends who is single and dating has a 19 yo daughter on the spectrum who still sleeps in the same bed as her.  Yes, you read that right - her 19 yo autistic daughter still sleeps in the same bed as her and pitches a fit (with violence) if she tries to get her to sleep by herself.  My friend is 43 by the way. It took a while but she actually did find a man who puts up with this.  But the guy is 53, divorced, has grown kids and doesn't want to get married again or have any more kids.  He pretty much enjoys his space, freedom and his own time, so this relationship where my friend needs to dedicate time to her children's needs works for him. He is very kind and patient with the kids and this often crazy situation. She is much prettier than he could normally get (just being honest) and she pays a caretaker to watch the kids every so often to have a night out with him, or to watch a movie (sex?) at his place.  He also goes over to her place to hang out with her and the kids and leaves as he pleases.  I think if you're a person who needs a tremendous amount of time and attention from your mate, then dating someone with a child on the spectrum (or even a child at all) is not the way for you to go. You should date someone who is childless. 

Edited April 19, 2020 by snowcones

[Gr8fuln2020]

6 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I'm not sure she's a team player type lol 

Let's hope she can be for the sake of the child. And you. 

[the tank]

you should re read your post. Not sure you are ready to be step parent. My ex had a kid. You need a lot of communication and compromise to make it work. His kid will always come first ! 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You have just come out of a dreadful relationship where you tied yourself in knots trying to make it work.
I believe nurses often end up in bad relationships as they are too nice for their own good.
They want to please, they want to care, they want to love, they want to "fix" and their capacity to put up with "stuff" is almost limitless 
You were in hell with that guy and now you have grabbed on to another.
You went from sleeping on a cold hard floor to a soft, cosy feather bed and it was all so wonderful. Paradise. After all that hell it was bliss...
BUT now you are rested, you are starting to look around and  whilst the bed is nice and warm, you are not so sure about the surroundings the wallpaper is faded and the carpet is not to your liking. Paradise is looking a tad more lacklustre.

Problems.
A) Rebound - both of you may be the other's rebound. Neither of these old relationships were "simple". Emotional baggage guaranteed.
B) He is too old, If you want kids. A 35yo man should be your age limit.
C) He has a young child, a son, his first born, that kid is the real deal here. The child sounds like he already has some "issues" and may not take well to you being in his Dad's life..
Your kids if you have them, may always be seen as less than, second best... 
D) He has a bitter ex. You need to ask yourself why is she so bitter? Did living with your guy cause the bitterness? Why did all his exes treat him so badly? Unfortunately, he is the common denominator...

Seems you are doing what a lot of women do and that is to demonise the ex. They were never in love, it was a relationship of convenience, they were never meant to be.
It sets up a competition, she was never "the one", but YOU are going to be his one true love.
She may tell a different story... What was his real reason for shutting down you meeting the ex?
Be careful

Agree with much of what elaine has said (not all but most), and to add to list of problems, or potential problems is @Disillusionment, you admitted in your first post you don't like kids! 

Or more specifically other people's kids.  

Not judging, you have the right to not like kids, but given your bf has one, I'm wondering how you think this could possibly work out long term?

The "honeymoon period" which is what you're both in now, won't last forever, then what?

I don't mean to be a downer but have you considered this? 

Edited April 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[snowcones]

11 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Smart parents don’t introduce kids to others unless they’re sure the relationship is going to last. Breakups are hard on kids too.

I'm a single parent who did this with my last boyfriend, but in retrospect, it's kind of ridiculous, because who ever knows if a relationship is going to last?  I mean, even marriages don't last.  No one knows if a relationship is going to last.  I can understand a parent waiting to introduce the kids because they want to make sure this person they are dating is not a danger to their kids, but waiting to be sure the relationship is going to last?  Ridiculous. You can't know that.  Also, exactly how long do you wait?  If you wait too long, then you just introduce other terrible dynamics into the relationship. With my last boyfriend, I too had the notion that I needed to wait until I was sure about him.  By sure, I mean that I wanted to be sure that he was someone I wanted in my life for long-term.  But guess what?  By the time I felt that way, by the time I felt sure that we were going to be serious and go on with this, he had gotten used to us being together WITHOUT kids.  He had gotten used to it only being us two when we were together.  He had gotten used to our footloose and fancy-free dynamic when it was just the two of us where we weren't bogged down with the kids needs/wants/desires.  So after waiting 6-8 months and it came time for me to introduce him to my kids and become "a family" he was not into it.  That was not the precedent that had been set already and not what he was enjoying, so he wasn't all that excited about it. And of course, his reaction was a major downer and boner-killer for me. And my reaction to his reaction came as a surprise to him and he didn't know what was wrong and I was shocked that he didn't realize what was wrong and the whole thing was  just a major mess and mistake.  I will never "wait" to introduce the kids again.  It's going to happen right away, in order to weed out the kid-haters,  like Steve Harvey suggests too.