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Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

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Dis Established Member

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2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Sweet!  Baby steps and all that....  :)

Yup! I'm binge watching super nanny on my day off today so I can get used to the sound of screaming children 🤣

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Dis Established Member

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Has anyone ever noticed how weird kids are?

 

For example, my bf was facetiming me today and his son came rushing in naked, jumped on the bed and was basically just writhing around naked on the bed.... 🤨

 

I saw things I wish I didn't! Needless to say, the naughty facetime we were about to have was dashed 😆

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I wanted to make note of something I thought about on my way home from work...

 

Quite a few people have mentioned that I'm repeating the pattern of dating abusive, manipulative men

 

But what if I've learned from that? What if my mistakes have taught me and I've had a change in taste in men? What if I realized what I need and what I deserve? And that's why I picked my bf 

 

Don't some of us learn and change? 

Edited by Disillusionment373
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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4 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I wanted to make note of something I thought about on my way home from work...

 

Quite a few people have mentioned that I'm repeating the pattern of dating abusive, manipulative men

 

But what if I've learned from that? What if my mistakes have taught me and I've had a change in taste in men? What if I realized what I need and what I deserve? And that's why I picked my bf 

 

Don't some of us learn and change? 

Yes of course one can learn to break unhealthy patterns, such as not recognizing the subtle ways an abuser shows his colors and becoming drawn to such men.

Which in the beginning, the first year at least, are often hidden behind his sensitive, charming and attentive demeanor.

But D, it typically takes years, especially in your case where you were abused as a child by your own father.   Terribly abused. 

It takes a long time, again often years, much introspection and therapy to undo that damage and begin making better choices. And actually being attracted to those choices. 

You told us you and your abusive ex broke up last summer?  And then shortly thereafter you began dating your current?

When did you have time to reflect, introspect, dig deep within to determine what drew you to those abusive men who I have no doubt were perfectly wonderful in the beginning?  But the signs were there. 

D, I just want you to know I'm on your side, I promise.  You are a beautiful lady inside and out with a huge heart from what I can see from your posts. 

And I'm rooting for you too!  Just be aware, okay?  Those rainbows and buttercups you're seeing in your bf aren't always what they appear to be, it takes lots of time, for sure longer than six months.

But let's think positive!  And hope it all works out!!  

Just be aware.  :)xx

Edited by poppyfields
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On 5/9/2020 at 12:44 AM, poppyfields said:

Yes of course one can learn to break unhealthy patterns, such as not recognizing the subtle ways an abuser shows his colors and becoming drawn to such men.

Which in the beginning, the first year at least, are often hidden behind his sensitive, charming and attentive demeanor.

But D, it typically takes years, especially in your case where you were abused as a child by your own father.   Terribly abused. 

It takes a long time, again often years, much introspection and therapy to undo that damage and begin making better choices. And actually being attracted to those choices. 

You told us you and your abusive ex broke up last summer?  And then shortly thereafter you began dating your current?

When did you have time to reflect, introspect, dig deep within to determine what drew you to those abusive men who I have no doubt were perfectly wonderful in the beginning?  But the signs were there. 

D, I just want you to know I'm on your side, I promise.  You are a beautiful lady inside and out with a huge heart from what I can see from your posts. 

And I'm rooting for you too!  Just be aware, okay?  Those rainbows and buttercups you're seeing in your bf aren't always what they appear to be, it takes lots of time, for sure longer than six months.

But let's think positive!  And hope it all works out!!  

Just be aware.  :)xx

A change of taste...

 

That's exactly what how I phrased things with my bf to a friend the other day. I used to go out with men who were arrogant, threw up red flags at every turn, super attractive, insensitive. After my last ex I reflected back on what lead me to be with him and so many others like him. I thought, I'm 33. I think enough is enough. I need to be smarter and I want to be smarter. I want to find a man who adores me, someone who treats me with kindness and is kind to others. Someone who is patient with me and will care for me and about me. 

 

I went on a few dates with other men since my ex. I went out with one guy who was a typical cop (not that they're all bad people at all) but this guy was very arrogant and not very thoughtful. He even told me on the date that he didn't want me to wear lipstick...on the first date! Needless to say, I picked up on things and there was no second date

 

Another guy I went out with seemed very nice but he would do little things that set off alarm bells with me. Like make insensitive jokes about my sleeping patterns (I work the evening shift so I'm up and late and late to rise) and other things that didn't seem to bad at the time but I had a feeling would be ugly later. We had 3 dates then I broke it off.

 

I'm assessing men now. Whereas before I would just go straight for a relationship without evaluating. After my bf and I broke up the first time, for some reason I couldn't heal from it. I couldn't move past it which was very rare for me. I always moved on from my ex's without issues. The reason for that was because I knew I wouldn't find someone as wonderful as him which sounds generic but I knew he was too good to let go. 

 

Like tonight, I told him I was going to have a cheat night and order pizza. He said, "get it baby! You've been looking so skinny lately. Go for it!" It was so cute. He looks at me like I'm the best thing he's ever seen. I can do no wrong with him and even when we disagree, we talk about it and work through it. I've been dating for a long time. He's something I've dreamt of but never thought I would have. 

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Realitysux Established Member

Realitysux

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14 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

A change of taste...

 

That's exactly what how I phrased things with my bf to a friend the other day. I used to go out with men who were arrogant, threw up red flags at every turn, super attractive, insensitive. After my last ex I reflected back on what lead me to be with him and so many others like him. I thought, I'm 33. I think enough is enough. I need to be smarter and I want to be smarter. I want to find a man who adores me, someone who treats me with kindness and is kind to others. Someone who is patient with me and will care for me and about me. 

 

I went on a few dates with other men since my ex. I went out with one guy who was a typical cop (not that they're all bad people at all) but this guy was very arrogant and not very thoughtful. He even told me on the date that he didn't want me to wear lipstick...on the first date! Needless to say, I picked up on things and there was no second date

 

Another guy I went out with seemed very nice but he would do little things that set off alarm bells with me. Like make insensitive jokes about my sleeping patterns (I work the evening shift so I'm up and late and late to rise) and other things that didn't seem to bad at the time but I had a feeling would be ugly later. We had 3 dates then I broke it off.

 

I'm assessing men now. Whereas before I would just go straight for a relationship without evaluating. After my bf and I broke up the first time, for some reason I couldn't heal from it. I couldn't move past it which was very rare for me. I always moved on from my ex's without issues. The reason for that was because I knew I wouldn't find someone as wonderful as him which sounds generic but I knew he was too good to let go. 

 

Like tonight, I told him I was going to have a cheat night and order pizza. He said, "get it baby! You've been looking so skinny lately. Go for it!" It was so cute. He looks at me like I'm the best thing he's ever seen. I can do no wrong with him and even when we disagree, we talk about it and work through it. I've been dating for a long time. He's something I've dreamt of but never thought I would have. 

Doesn't sound abusive or manipulating to me at all. Go for it,remember kids grow up too! The older they get, the more independent they become. 

SummerDreams Established Member

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5 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Doesn't sound abusive or manipulating to me at all. Go for it,remember kids grow up too! The older they get, the more independent they become. 

If a person is waiting for kids to grow up in order to get rid of them, then maybe it's better they never had kids in the first place. 😛

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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15 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

A change of taste...

 

That's exactly what how I phrased things with my bf to a friend the other day. I used to go out with men who were arrogant, threw up red flags at every turn, super attractive, insensitive. After my last ex I reflected back on what lead me to be with him and so many others like him. I thought, I'm 33. I think enough is enough. I need to be smarter and I want to be smarter. I want to find a man who adores me, someone who treats me with kindness and is kind to others. Someone who is patient with me and will care for me and about me. 

 

I went on a few dates with other men since my ex. I went out with one guy who was a typical cop (not that they're all bad people at all) but this guy was very arrogant and not very thoughtful. He even told me on the date that he didn't want me to wear lipstick...on the first date! Needless to say, I picked up on things and there was no second date

 

Another guy I went out with seemed very nice but he would do little things that set off alarm bells with me. Like make insensitive jokes about my sleeping patterns (I work the evening shift so I'm up and late and late to rise) and other things that didn't seem to bad at the time but I had a feeling would be ugly later. We had 3 dates then I broke it off.

 

I'm assessing men now. Whereas before I would just go straight for a relationship without evaluating. After my bf and I broke up the first time, for some reason I couldn't heal from it. I couldn't move past it which was very rare for me. I always moved on from my ex's without issues. The reason for that was because I knew I wouldn't find someone as wonderful as him which sounds generic but I knew he was too good to let go. 

 

Like tonight, I told him I was going to have a cheat night and order pizza. He said, "get it baby! You've been looking so skinny lately. Go for it!" It was so cute. He looks at me like I'm the best thing he's ever seen. I can do no wrong with him and even when we disagree, we talk about it and work through it. I've been dating for a long time. He's something I've dreamt of but never thought I would have. 

Excellent D!  Please keep us updated.  I'm rooting for you, for you both, and hope you will grow to love his son as your own, that your love for each other will continue to grow and flourish and that this lasts for a long long time, maybe even forever!!  :love:

SumGuy Established Member

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On 5/8/2020 at 8:43 PM, Disillusionment373 said:

Has anyone ever noticed how weird kids are?

Yes they are, one of mine when about 3 took to heart an almost one time comment about not getting clothes muddy at a wedding. 

So when outside a week later one day proceeded to disrobe to play in the mud (luckily in our fenced in back yard).  When asked why said didn't want to get the clothes muddy (guess we made an impression), of course the clothes just got dropped on the ground... Needless to say in 3 year old world perfect logic, and heart in the right place...we just had to explain there are play clothes that can get muddy and "good clothes" we try to keep clean.

Logic and our societal norms take time, you could look into developmental psychology but at 5 doesn't sound to odd, now at 15 it certainly would be odd. :)

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Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

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@Disillusionment373 - it sounds to me like you really don't enjoy kids but are willing to "put up with" this one because you are into his dad.  

I hate to say it but this is why stepmoms get a bad rap - kids KNOW and it can be really hard to share your time with a kid you don't even like much.  Something he does that is super annoying your BF might laugh at and encourage.  Public meltdowns.  Resistance to baths.  Waking up at 6am on your day off.  The ex in the picture.  You may meet the kid and actively DISLIKE him.  And all the while it won't matter what your feelings are, because the kids are innocent in all of it and their needs are going to come first.  

I think you should date for a while before moving in together.  I'm a little old-fashioned but I feel that you shouldn't move in unless you're seriously considering marriage and your relationship with the boy is on solid footing when there are kids involved.  Don't just try the family thing on for size - kids get attached VERY easily.

 

 

 

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poppyfields Established Member

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18 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Like tonight, I told him I was going to have a cheat night and order pizza. He said, "get it baby! You've been looking so skinny lately. Go for it!" It was so cute. 

D, not sure why but I missed this^ the first time.  You know how earlier some of us said that abuse can sometimes be covert, passive, not always direct and aggressive?

I am NOT saying your boyfriend is a passive abuser, or that his true more aggressive colors will show later. NOT at all I don’t know him.   

But I did find his response to your mention of eating a slice of pizza interesting -- “Go for it, you’ve been looking so skinny lately!” 

No doubt he meant it as a haha moment, but was it really?  I found your response interesting too --  “It was so cute.”  I'm curious why you found it cute?

How would you have felt if he said “well, you’re looking a little fat lately, but hey go for it”!

Why mention your appearance at all?  Why not simply say “go for it babe and enjoy!"

See, abuse starts out with these tiny little digs or negs, typically aimed at your appearance and then it escalates.  You viewed him calling you skinny as cute, because society  encourages women to be thin. 

But to me, saying I am "so skinny" and that is why I should eat the pizza is just as insulting a comment as if he told me I was "so fat."

Leave my appearance OUT of it!   Other than to tell me he thinks I am beautiful, as is! 

If me, I probably would have chuckled but continued to observe his behavour over the coming months.

Stay aware.  :)

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

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@poppyfields - this is SO TRUE.  Before I knew what I know now, I recall an abusive ex telling me that my makeup was "tasteful and natural" and not tacky at all.  Like what?  He was basically trying to tell me that I was not high maintenance, as if that is something bad for a woman to be.  At the time I was flattered but now I see it for the sexist BS it was!

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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19 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@poppyfields - this is SO TRUE.  Before I knew what I know now, I recall an abusive ex telling me that my makeup was "tasteful and natural" and not tacky at all.  Like what?  He was basically trying to tell me that I was not high maintenance, as if that is something bad for a woman to be.  At the time I was flattered but now I see it for the sexist BS it was!

Yeah I think when in the throes of infatuation and early love, we tend to not see things as clearly as we should be, our perceptions are off.

It's only later, in retrospect, when we are able to look back and say, yea that was a bit of red flag.

Again, I have no idea who your bf is D, but I don't like that he seems to be pushing you into something way prematurely, and I definitely would not have considered his "so skinny" comment cute.

My only advice to you now is stay aware and continuing observing.  Give it time before jumping in head first. 

I think that would be smart. 

Edited by poppyfields
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4 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

@Disillusionment373 - it sounds to me like you really don't enjoy kids but are willing to "put up with" this one because you are into his dad.  

I hate to say it but this is why stepmoms get a bad rap - kids KNOW and it can be really hard to share your time with a kid you don't even like much.  Something he does that is super annoying your BF might laugh at and encourage.  Public meltdowns.  Resistance to baths.  Waking up at 6am on your day off.  The ex in the picture.  You may meet the kid and actively DISLIKE him.  And all the while it won't matter what your feelings are, because the kids are innocent in all of it and their needs are going to come first.  

I think you should date for a while before moving in together.  I'm a little old-fashioned but I feel that you shouldn't move in unless you're seriously considering marriage and your relationship with the boy is on solid footing when there are kids involved.  Don't just try the family thing on for size - kids get attached VERY easily.

 

 

 

To your first paragragh: 100% agree. I might tuck my elderly patients in every night and wipe the drool off their faces and love every minute of it, but with kid? I don't like kids. Not one bit. In fact one of my friends told me today that it seems like I dislike kids more than other people he's met. Kids stress me out and annoy me. Even their voices stress me out. I was at Walmart the other day picking out presents for my bf's son and there was this little kid who was about to come barreling through the isle covered in chocolate, no mask and I just looked at him in such a way...he thought twice and went down another isle. I may actively dislike his son and this may not work. Like today, my parents are moving to another state. I was crying while my bf was facetiming me and there comes his son, jumping on the bed....again, doing the writhing around/rolling thing and my bf has the camera on his son while he was doing that. I don't know if he was expecting me to be in awe or something? 🤨 I wasn't... But, I was polite and said hi. That's about it.

There's always a chance it might work or might not. Never know. Yes, yes. Everyone will give me the advice of...if you don't like kids you should through the entire relationship down the drain because there's 0% chance this could work. Nah. Because there's a chance I might like his son and everything  might be fine. 
 

We are planning on having me meet his son this June and take it from there. We won't move into together unless things work out with his son and I. And trust me, if I don't like his son, I won't want to move in. I would call it a rap. 

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10 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Your BF said you look a little skinny? You're probably going to need years of therapy after surviving that level of abuse. 😉

I'm registering for online psychotherapy now 🤣

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Marc878 Established Member

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On 5/11/2020 at 10:03 PM, Disillusionment373 said:

Like tonight, I told him I was going to have a cheat night and order pizza. He said, "get it baby! You've been looking so skinny lately. Go for it!" It was so cute. He looks at me like I'm the best thing he's ever seen. I can do no wrong with him and even when we disagree, we talk about it and work through it. I've been dating for a long time. He's something I've dreamt of but never thought I would have. 

Did your head swell up ?🧐

Edited by Marc878
SummerDreams Established Member

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3 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Your BF said you look a little skinny? You're probably going to need years of therapy after surviving that level of abuse. 😉

 

3 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I'm registering for online psychotherapy now 🤣

Not polite to make fun of other posters' opinion. Especially when it's YOU they want to protect. Not cool.

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elaine567 Established Member

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7 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

I might tuck my elderly patients in every night and wipe the drool off their faces and love every minute of it, but with kid? I don't like kids. Not one bit. In fact one of my friends told me today that it seems like I dislike kids more than other people he's met. Kids stress me out and annoy me. Even their voices stress me out. I was at Walmart the other day picking out presents for my bf's son and there was this little kid who was about to come barreling through the isle covered in chocolate, no mask and I just looked at him in such a way...he thought twice and went down another isle.

This is so mixed up it is nuts.
Why on earth are you even  in a relationship with a guy with a small child?
Plenty people do not like children, plenty people learn to love and adore their own kids but the chances of you loving this little boy when already you are jealous of the poor little thing, are not high.
I get it, you are somewhat obsessed with domesticity in a people pleaser kind of a way, but this kid is going nowhere.
He will always be #1 in your bfs eyes. You can cook and clean and "care for", to you heart's content to gain "approval" but when the chips are down, his kid will always come first.
Many women are so maternal that basically they will accept and love any kid, the more the merrier for some, but you are 33 and you still dislike kids.
You are not 21 with little experience of life, you are 33 and it sounds like you hate children. 
How is that going to work?
Yes you can do the superficial and polite "nice" stuff for the kid to get by and to keep your bf happy.
But kids need real love and if this kid susses out you don't really like him, which he will do, then what kind of a mess is that?

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jspice Established Member

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Children can see through adults. 
they know when a person is on the up and up. 
 

No child deserves to feel disliked by their parent’s partner and it’s pretty selfish to get into this relationship when you’re already calling the child “weird”. He’s not being weird, he’s being a child. 
 

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

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Not saying a word...

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Your bf needs to install a lock on his bedroom door, sounds like.  

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I don't think you have any business meeting his child... You are not meeting the child for the right reasons, it's a very selfish thing to do. I'm sorry, this is not good.

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Malin889 Established Member

Malin889

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A

On 5/13/2020 at 5:48 AM, jspice said:

No child deserves to feel disliked by their parent’s partner and it’s pretty selfish to get into this relationship when you’re already calling the child “weird”. He’s not being weird, he’s being a child. 

I was thinking the same thing. He's just being a kid! 

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Malin889 Established Member

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2 hours ago, preraph said:

Your bf needs to install a lock on his bedroom door, sounds like.  

Sure, lock his 5 yr old kid out... please. 

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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There's certain things no kid should be able to just walk in on.

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