Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, preraph said:

I didn't look it up, but I was thinking she was a nurse or some caretaker, so he's thinking that fits the bill.

I think D said they are both nurses. 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

@simp, I can have a strong opinion but still hope it ultimately works out, can't I? 

Surely, that's what we all want. Hope for the best, plan for the worst; that's one of my trusted mottos

[simpycurious]

29 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@simp, I can have a strong opinion but still hope it ultimately works out, can't I? 

Yes, strong opinions are always a good thing.  I hope it works out as well but I am sappy in that regard.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

42 minutes ago, preraph said:

I didn't look it up, but I was thinking she was a nurse or some caretaker, so he's thinking that fits the bill.

Clearly, having a care-giver role does not necessarily translate to having a universal care-giving mentality. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

30 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@simp, I can have a strong opinion but still hope it ultimately works out, can't I? 

Of course. 

[preraph]

Well, supposedly the training would train you to physically care for anyone.  Though I have seen some crap nurses when my sister was in the hospital.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

SINGLE PARENT-FATHER here. If my kids were as young as the bf's and I knew that a potential gf had the initial sentiments the OP expressed early on, I would say NO WAY. My first priority has always been my children and I would be irresponsible for placing my personal relationship for such a person ahead of my younger kids' well-being. 

Now my kids are much older and I make it clear that I am not looking for a parent for my children. In fact, I am not looking for a partner to help raise them or guide them. I have always and will continue to do so my way. 

Bang on! Well said. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[preraph]

Maybe she has not even expressed those sentiments to him.  I have a feeling....

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

Maybe she has not even expressed those sentiments to him.  I have a feeling....

I can't remember but somewhere within my ridiculously large number of posts on this thread, I asked D how well her bf actually knows her and if he knows how she feels about not liking kids. 

She never answered. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[sandylee1]

You're dad's girlfriend and no no means a stepmum. You shouldn't try to be one at this stage and it's not your job to raise him. He had 2 capable parents to do that. 

I would suggest when you meet him, that you keep it friendly and simple. He's only 5 and he may feel unsettled about it all.

 

 

[lana-banana]

It seems really likely that the child is ED (emotionally disturbed; any number of emotional disorders that are frequently comorbid with autism but not necessarily). As other posters have suggested, it sounds like Dad is auditioning for a long-term caretaker more than an equal partner. The amount of pressure he seems to be applying is extraordinary. You should be evaluating whether the two of you are actually a good fit, not asking yourself whether you're immediately ready to be a stepmother to a special needs child.

One thing I have noticed in your many previous threads is that you all but immediately let the man who has your attention take total control of your life. There's very little about your desires, or when there is you sound so half-hearted, like here. You are practically an observer in your own life until situations become so dire that you finally do something. At your age you have got to be more confident in yourself and what you do or don't want. There is nothing wrong with wanting to walk around in your underwear and enjoy lazy afternoons with a glass of wine, and there are plenty of men who feel the same way; that's why my husband and I don't have kids.

[Malin889]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I can't remember but somewhere within my ridiculously large number of posts on this thread, I asked D how well her bf actually knows her and if he knows how she feels about not liking kids. 

She never answered. 

I also asked several times if they were moving in together, as that's what she was implying, but she never mentioned it nor answered. 

[poppyfields]

I guess D-373 has decided not to return. 

Oh well, best to you D, and again, thank you for your service on the front lines, and please stay healthy and safe.  xx

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I guess D-373 has decided not to return. 

Oh well, best to you D, and again, thank you for your service on the front lines, and please stay healthy and safe.  xx

She has been given a mountain of advice, retort, etc. It's up to her to decide as it has always been. 

[Dis]

On 4/29/2020 at 7:17 PM, BaileyB said:

Right, because you wasting your time is the worst outcome here...

Not withstanding the fact that you could be introduced to his son, he could actually bond with you, and then you decide this relationship is not what you want and/or your boyfriend decides it’s not going to work out... that could create issues with attachment for the child. (the sleep and behavioural issues are already suggestive of the possibility of an attachment issue).

The night before my boyfriend told his son that I existed, he sent me a text. It said, “last chance, if you are not sure, you should bail now...” Obviously, there are no guarantees in life. But what he was asking was - if you don’t see this as a long term relationship, you better tell me know... Never would I meet a child if I didn’t know that I was prepared to commit to a relationship. 

I'm 100% committed to my bf but it's a little unrealistic to be 100% committed to a child I haven't met yet, especially considering I've never dated a single dad before

 

As I mentioned before, I'm going into this with the intention of being in their lives forever. But we all know we can't predict the outcome of any relationship. All I can do is have the best possible intentions and give it all we have. 

[Dis]

On 4/30/2020 at 5:57 PM, poppyfields said:

I can't remember but somewhere within my ridiculously large number of posts on this thread, I asked D how well her bf actually knows her and if he knows how she feels about not liking kids. 

She never answered. 

Yes, he knows all about it. In fact I probably shouldn't say half the things I do about how I feel. We had a tiff a couple days ago about it and he said he's worried about me meeting his son and wanted to think about things. We talked, I apologized and we came to a middle ground and agreed we both want this to work and that I just need to relax about it. 

 

I'm kind of perseverating over this. And it's not healthy for me because I just need to take things as I come instead of hyperfocusing on the what ifs and made up scenarios. 

 

I won't know what this is going to be like until I'm in it

[Dis]

On 4/30/2020 at 8:42 PM, Malin889 said:

I also asked several times if they were moving in together, as that's what she was implying, but she never mentioned it nor answered. 

We might in late summer/early fall but that depends on how it goes with his son 

[Dis]

On 4/30/2020 at 6:29 PM, lana-banana said:

It seems really likely that the child is ED (emotionally disturbed; any number of emotional disorders that are frequently comorbid with autism but not necessarily). As other posters have suggested, it sounds like Dad is auditioning for a long-term caretaker more than an equal partner. The amount of pressure he seems to be applying is extraordinary. You should be evaluating whether the two of you are actually a good fit, not asking yourself whether you're immediately ready to be a stepmother to a special needs child.

One thing I have noticed in your many previous threads is that you all but immediately let the man who has your attention take total control of your life. There's very little about your desires, or when there is you sound so half-hearted, like here. You are practically an observer in your own life until situations become so dire that you finally do something. At your age you have got to be more confident in yourself and what you do or don't want. There is nothing wrong with wanting to walk around in your underwear and enjoy lazy afternoons with a glass of wine, and there are plenty of men who feel the same way; that's why my husband and I don't have kids.

If I sound half hearted it's because I'm mentally and physically drained from my job and the pandemic. The amount of times I've gotten coughed on (with a surgical mask I've had to reuse the entire shift and no shield) in the past week is astounding. The stress is a lot sometimes. But besides that, I've never been a half hearted type of person. I'm either all in or all out. 

 

He's not really applying pressure. I've actually been a little bit of a brat lately, saying things I shouldn't in regards to parenting, his son, just kids in general. He's been very patient and forgiving. 

 

I don't feel like I'm not confident. Not at all. After going through some bad relationships I know what I want and what I don't and THAT'S why I picked my bf. Based off those lessons. 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Disillusionment373

[Dis]

I want to mention, part of the reason why my bf and I want me to be a stepmom figure is because I love all things domestic. I could spend all day cooking and cleaning. I cook for my bf every time I see him. I cut his hair, I put lotion on his face and body, whatever he wants to eat... I cook. I rolled out the red carpet for him on his birthday.

I cooked a million different things for him (all his favorite foods), made him a cake and tons of presents. No one but his family has done that for him so it was so nice to take care of him the way he takes care of me. The both of us have always been the caretakers in our relationships and now we both get to be spoiled. 
 

I'm  nurturing person. I loveeee doting on people I care about. I really hope that I can get over this fear I have about his son I can cook for him and dote over him like I do with his dad. 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Disillusionment373

[Realitysux]

I really love your post and I learned so much about my own situation. I appreciate it and thank you for being a front line worker. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

We might in late summer/early fall but that depends on how it goes with his son 

Respectfully, give it time. You will never regret taking it slow. You will most certainly regret moving in too soon, before everyone has become comfortable with each other and adjusted to the changing circumstance. For the child’s sake, take it very slow. 

[Dis]

On 5/1/2020 at 1:21 PM, poppyfields said:

I guess D-373 has decided not to return. 

Oh well, best to you D, and again, thank you for your service on the front lines, and please stay healthy and safe.  xx

Thanks poppy! 

[SumGuy]

@Disillusionment373   you sound great and your trepidation reasonable.   t also sounds like you have a very good relationship with this man, being a father as well (my kids are all older though) if you and your guy can have an open conversation about child rearing (and your fears can be part of it because this is all new to you) that is good.  Two important things are to be on the same page, and to realize that a 5 year old does not act reasonably or logically (it is part of the job of parents to help them grow into such a person).  Also these things take time and patience, it could take many months.  It can be hard to keep that adult balance when they act out.  What helps is to have a plan and approach together, love and understanding are the keys.  Not just for the child but also your guy for you.

[Dis]

I bought his son a few presents after I said a few things I probably shouldn't have last week

 

I didn't expect him to tell his son they're from me. I honestly just wanted to do something nice to show my bf I'm accepting of the two of them being a packaged deal

 

He told me today that he's telling his son they're from me. 

 

I'm happy we're moving along! 

[poppyfields]

Sweet!  Baby steps and all that....