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Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

Dis

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

The way I read D's post is that neither she nor her bf will actually know whether or not things will work out "until" she meets his son, as if the success of their relationship is contingent upon whether D can get along with his son and/or adequately fulfill the role of stepmom.

To the folks who have children, is this standard?  

Where does loving each other fit into this scenario? 

Unless I misinterpreted D's post, it would appear that no matter how much they love each other, if she is unable to make it work with his son, it's over, D's out..

That's a heck of a lot of pressure this early in!!

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
59 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

The way I read D's post is that neither she nor her bf will actually know whether or not things will work out "until" she meets his son, as if the success of their relationship is contingent upon whether D can get along with his son and/or adequately fulfill the role of stepmom.

To the folks who have children, is this standard?  

I’m not entirely sure what she was meaning... 

For us, my boyfriend was very excited for us to meet, he really wanted us to get along well, but there was no pressure that the relationship would end if it didn’t happen. I can imagine that it would have been very stressful on the relationship if we didn’t get along, but from my perspective that is why we took it slow and had realistic expectations. As I have experienced first time, relationships develop over time... There was no expectation that I was going to be his “step mother.” I am certainly not in the role of parent and that seems to suit everyone just fine. 

littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

To the folks who have children, is this standard?  

I read it the same way you did.

To me, it is an absolute non-negociable pre-requisite. I could never get into a relationship with someone who will show resentment or annoyance, or considers them a burden or a 'flaw' to the relationship. If the bond does not develop narurally after a reasonable period of time, to me the relationship is not sustainable.

My assumption is that it'll be even more important to the father in this situation because he won't want to introduce more drama to his kid's life than there already is. 

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Most people who are iffy about being a stepparent tend to decide to not date single parents.
NO pressure, NO decisions, NO resentment, NO annoyance. Simple.
D373 unfortunately met this guy, fell in love and is now attempting to tie herself in knots trying to accept his kid, his ex and a whole lot of potential problems she has now uncovered...

Women get into relationships with single Dads all the time  but they need to be made of the stuff that will accept all the trials and tribulations of an "adopted" family.
I doubt D373 is made of that stuff.

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SummerDreams Established Member

SummerDreams

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Most people who are iffy about being a stepparent tend to decide to not date single parents.
NO pressure, NO decisions, NO resentment, NO annoyance. Simple.
D373 unfortunately met this guy, fell in love and is now attempting to tie herself in knots trying to accept his kid, his ex and a whole lot of potential problems she has now uncovered...

Women get into relationships with single Dads all the time  but they need to be made of the stuff that will accept all the trials and tribulations of an "adopted" family.
I doubt D373 is made of that stuff.

Concentrated wisdom in one paragraph. Excellent as always Elaine. OP has to remember that her BF's kid will not stay 5 forever. Kids create lots of drama even in happy families especially when they become teens. Plus the fact that the drama will be multiplied once the OP decides she wants a kid herself. Other than that, how will her parents and relatives react to a kid who is not hers? Will the kid be accepted? All these questions...

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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted

I don't have the inside knowledge that you seem to have @elaine567, not knowing the OP on a personal level + I don't really do 'past threads'. I  All I know is that I can count 3 successful child-free - single parent relationships in my wider circle. I'm sure there are others that don't work also, but it seems to me that the OP is at least trying to look at this from all angles. I don't feel like discouraging her when it's still all new to her. 

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Blind-Sided Established Member

Blind-Sided

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

The way I read D's post is that neither she nor her bf will actually know whether or not things will work out "until" she meets his son, as if the success of their relationship is contingent upon whether D can get along with his son and/or adequately fulfill the role of stepmom.

To the folks who have children, is this standard?  

Where does loving each other fit into this scenario? 

Unless I misinterpreted D's post, it would appear that no matter how much they love each other, if she is unable to make it work with his son, it's over, D's out..

That's a heck of a lot of pressure this early in!!

Since I am a single dad, I've been thinking about this one a bunch....

OK... while I would like my kids to be happy with my new GF... I can't let my life be dictated by my kid's attitude. Lets face it... while I love my kids, and I have sacrificed a lot to make sure they are happy, since the exW has caused so many issues... but if my kid is having a bad day, and makes my new GF feel like she is not wanted... should I give up on happiness? No... absolutely not.  What that tells me is that I just keep my "Dating" away from my kids until they warm up to my new GF. As said already... kids don't remain kids forever. As an adult... I could very well have a relationship that could go well past them being kids. 

In my case... I was lucky.  I have several female friends, and my kids are use to me talking to women. Even having them over to the house to help with "Girl" stuff.  (one of my friends took my oldest daughter shopping for bras)  I was also lucky in the fact that my current GF started as a friend, so I had no issues having her around my kids.  As it evolved... my oldest daughter understands the dynamic of BF/GF.  but I think my youngest still just sees her as one of "Daddy's Friends.".   My GF was over a while ago... and my youngest didn't want her to leave because we were having fun together.

Anyway... OP... don't like a 5 year old, with a poor attitude dictate the possible future of you and this man.

My 2 cents, take it for what it's worth.

Edited by Blind-Sided
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think it's sometimes helpful to dig into past threads as it gives us additional insight into a poster that we might not otherwise have.

D's entire dating history consists of dating abusive, manipulative men, even as recently as last year.  Her own father was extremely abusive. 

I read a few of those threads and was appalled at how D allowed herself to be treated, esp by her last ex.

Now a few short months later, she is now dating a man who it appears (to me) has manipulated her into believing she actually wants to be a step mom, to mother his son, and to discipline his son, before marriage, before even becoming his step mom for real.  This is appalling to me.

Considering the fact that D admittedly does not even like kids, specifically other people's kids, anticipates feeling resentful of his son, so I cannot imagine her desire to become a step mom is coming from her, it's coming from her boyfriend. 

And now she fears losing him should she not live up to his expectation. 

She said it herself "the relationship all depends on how well I get along with his son."

Which is why she wants to meet him sooner rather than later so as to not "waste time" (her words) dating should she not get along with him and her bf dumps her.  That is how I'm reading this anyeay 

After reading this thread, and the way she describes her bf,  including all his doting, overabundance of attention, etc, I have no doubt who's in the driver's seat here - her boyfriend. 

He's playing right into her vulnerabilities, and he knows exactly what he is doing.

He needs a stepmom and disciplinarian for his kid, and he knows just what buttons to push to get D believing she wants that too.

I'm not buying it though, my good sense tells me D is being manipulated, and THAT is what I am concerned for her about.

That she is walking straight down the same dark path as she did with her previous boyfriends.

That is why I suggested putting this whole "meeting the son and being his step mom" on hold for a while.  A long while.

She and her bf have only been dating 5-6 months with a 1.5 month break up in between.

That is still so early!  Honeymoon stage early!

My gawd, after quarantine, spend more quality time together!  Just the two of you, without his son or ex, get to know him!  

Develop the connection and relationship to determine if HE is the right man for you D, over and above all his doting on you and the attention he gives you, letting you watch your "girly" movies, etc.

That's honeymoon phase stuff, I'm surprised you don't know that.

If he is not willing to do that, and instead continues to push for this idea of you becoming his son's stepmum asap, for God's sake, get rid!!

He is not a man who loves and  cherishes you, for who YOU are, he is a man looking for a step mom and disciplinarian for his son.

JMO, best of luck whatever path you choose. xx

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, Disillusionment373 said:

He spends everyday he has off work with his son. All day and all night. That's the agreement he has with his ex. He has him 3 days a week. 

Right, which is why he desperately needs a gf who will take some of that off him so he can go about his business.  

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted
19 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

I'm also wondering what's not to like or about a 5 year old? Or not get along with? 

 

For people who aren't used to kids or don't especially like them, 5 year olds are nightmares!  I am good for about 15 minutes of "being entertained" and then I am ready to flee.  To me, they're just sheer havoc, and at that age, you have to watch their every move.  It's stressful to most people, I think, but especially for anyone unused to that. 

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Admittedly, I am at a complete loss to understand why naughty puppies, everything they do I think is cute, but a normal 5-year-old, I got nothin.  Not saying it's the way to be, just it's sometimes the way it is.

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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted
24 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

I really don't get why so many parents hold to this rule that they need to wait crazy amounts of time before they will introduce their partner to their kids. While some people might not want to say it, what Dis said about the relationship hinging on how well her and the kid get along holds true for almost every relationship with a single parent. I've dated enough single moms myself to know the truth of that. Single parents out there, if you met someone you really clicked with, you cared for them deeply, but they didn't get along with your kid...at all, you know you would kick them to the curb. You'd pretty much have to! When you get into a relationship with a single parent, you have to accept their kid as part of the relationship. To me, not meeting the kid is basically holding back what the relationship is really going to be like and it is just a huge waste of time.

Yes, I see that too. Going by personal experience, waiting forever to have the partner meet the kids means the timing is a bit off, there is some level of anxiety on the part of the parent that is passed on to the non-parent.

I don't get the feeling that the OP is getting manipulated at all; more like her boyfriend is a bit out of his depth, having to juggle a stressed out 5yo, finding his feet as a single parent himself, a problematic ex and a new relationship. It sounds too much.

 

 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
44 minutes ago, preraph said:

For people who aren't used to kids or don't especially like them, 5 year olds are nightmares!  I am good for about 15 minutes of "being entertained" and then I am ready to flee.  To me, they're just sheer havoc, and at that age, you have to watch their every move.  It's stressful to most people, I think, but especially for anyone unused to that. 

Which is why you, and others like you (not judging), should not or would not ever even consider dating a man with a 5 year old, or worse allow yourself to be manipulated into believing you want to be the kid's step mom or worse, disciplinarian.

There are women out there who are dying to become mothers, but who, for one reason or another, are not able to bear children.

Their desire is to meet a man with small children to fulfill this desire and need.

There are even websites for people who want to meet others with children.

Problem is, that is not the OP.  Again, admittedly she doesn't even like kids, other people's kids.  Anticipates feeling resentful of him.

So what, pray tell, is she doing dating and considering spending her life with a man with a small child and being a mother and disciplinarian to that child? 

This is what I cannot wrap my brain around, it has disaster written all over it and am shocked D has not realized this, considering her history.

Edited by poppyfields
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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Well, I agree, but I guess she's looking for a change.  

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

Everyone with a soul loves puppies. Kids might be cute, but they're just little people and most people are douchebags.

omgosh...if you could 'superlike' loveshack posts...

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
38 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well, I agree, but I guess she's looking for a change.  

I might agree had she been seeking this change before meeting her boyfriend.

If she had said to herself, "hey I'm ready to be a mom, I'd like to meet a man with a child, become a step mom to him and perhaps have one of our own."

But that's not how it went down.  She does not like kids, especially others, but met a man with a small child, she admitted he wants her to fulfill the role of step mom and disciplinarian and she is now trying to twist herself into believing she wants that too.

When it's clear at least to me, she is reacting to her own fear of losing him if she doesn't..

One might say she is doing this because she loves him, he is awesome, etc but how deep can that love be when the success of their relationship hinges on whether she gets along with him or not, or whether she succeeds at playing the role of stepmom and disciplinarian?

Is that love? 

I'm sorry to go on like this, but it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, which never works, and makes no sense to me.

My heart is with the child, the innocent victim in all this.

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted (edited)

Again. SINGLE PARENT-FATHER here. If my kids were as young as the bf's and I knew that a potential gf had the initial sentiments the OP expressed early on, I would say NO WAY. My first priority has always been my children and when younger, if you cannot get along with my children, it won't work and I would be irresponsible for placing my personal relationship for such a person ahead of my younger kids' well-being. 

Now my kids are much older and I make it clear that I am not looking for a parent for my children. In fact, I am not looking for a partner to help raise them or guide them. I have always and will continue to do so my way. 

But this child is 5 (and with special needs????). There is NO way you can responsibly think that the bf isn't looking for someone to help him raise the child. 

Edited by Gr8fuln2020
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

But this child is 5 (and with a disability????). There is NO way you can responsibly think that the bf isn't looking for someone to help him raise the child. 

Well, he does already have a mom, but agree especially given the fact he told D that's what he's seeking in a girlfriend, and potential wife.  :)

Edited by poppyfields
Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well, he does already have a mom, but agree especially given the fact he told D that's what he's seeking in a girlfriend.  :)

Yep. I know. I am just baffled as to what the OP is thinking....

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littleblackheart Established Member

littleblackheart

Posted
Posted

OP has already clarified the little boy has no disability. 

4 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

There is NO way you can responsibly think that the bf isn't looking for someone to help him raise the child. 

This may well be the case but we can't know for sure (we don't have his viewpoint) and it doesn't need to be a sinister thing. 

My personal opinion, also as a single parent, is that this guy is out of his depth as mentioned upthread. That's an not ideal situation, but that's as much down to him as it's down to her.

 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Yep. I know. I am just baffled as to what the OP is thinking....

Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels that way!

Edited by poppyfields
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Emilie Jolie Established Member

Emilie Jolie

Posted
Posted

Whatever any of us think, they have to follow their own paths.

They seem to have developped strong feelings for each other, and what it looks like is they want it to work. 

My issue in this story is the unresolved drama with the ex - I would be fleeing the scene in a heartbeat. But D373 and her guy have to this through their own way, on their own term.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

But D373 and her guy have to this through their own way, on their own term.

Well, D hasn't responded in a while so I hope that is what they are doing, and it ultimately works out. 

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Again. SINGLE PARENT-FATHER here. If my kids were as young as the bf's and I knew that a potential gf had the initial sentiments the OP expressed early on, I would say NO WAY. My first priority has always been my children and when younger, if you cannot get along with my children, it won't work and I would be irresponsible for placing my personal relationship for such a person ahead of my younger kids' well-being. 

Now my kids are much older and I make it clear that I am not looking for a parent for my children. In fact, I am not looking for a partner to help raise them or guide them. I have always and will continue to do so my way. 

But this child is 5 (and with special needs????). There is NO way you can responsibly think that the bf isn't looking for someone to help him raise the child. 

I didn't look it up, but I was thinking she was a nurse or some caretaker, so he's thinking that fits the bill.

Edited by preraph
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

@simp, I can have a strong opinion but still hope it ultimately works out, can't I?  :eek:

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