Made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father

April 19, 2020

Hey everyone!

I'm a 33 year old female and my bf is 39. He has a 5 year old son who I'll be meeting in the summer. My bf and I met at work about a year and a half ago and were both in relationships until the end of last summer when we both became single. When we started talking and getting to know each other he turned out to be the most kind, patient, attentive man I could dream of. My prior choices in dating were men who were inpatient, abusive and unfaithful. He's also dated woman who treated him poorly. He seemed to be someone who I always dreamt of being with...someone who would love me, lust over me, someone who would be a team with me, someone I could give my all to and receive the same kind of love in return...and he still is. I must have earned some serious karma points to end up with him.

When we first started dating the timing was off. He was as freshly single as he could be and in retrospect, wasn't ready and I, wasn't adjusting well to dating a single dad. I've never dated a single father before nor have I had much time around kids. I wasn't used to the dynamic of children having to come first and what that means for a relationship. We spent some time apart and for the first time in my life, I couldn't put a past relationship behind me. All I did was think about him and about where I went wrong. I knew I had royally screwed up. He was so lovely, so giving and genuine... I couldn't let him go.

We got back together after a month and a half of being apart and things are back to where they should have been. I made a conscious choice to be more understanding of what it means to date a single father but I have still concerns about how I'm going to handle this long term.

Tbh, I'm not a huge fan of kids....yes, yes I know this makes me an awful person . I want children of my own one day but I think I'll be one of those moms who loves and adores her own kids but not so much other's. I guess at this point in my life I've gotten used to doing my own thing, walking around the house in a bra, sipping wine, watching whatever I want on TV, getting a full peaceful nights sleep every night, and all the luxuries that come along with not having children. I'm also not the most patient person in the world and I'm used to dating men without kids and spending our free time focused on each other not a child.

His son also sleeps in the same bed as him and has since he was a toddler. His son seems to throw a fit when he puts him in his own bed and stays up all night crying. My bf has assured me when I stay over his son with sleep in his own bed but...I mean I'm not a parent but I'm pretty sure a 5 year old that's been sleeping in his parent's bed his whole life isn't just going to wake up one day and not have an issue sleeping on his own.

I'm guess I'm just scared about all of this. I'm fearful I won't adjust well to incorporating his son into our lives as a couple. I'm scared about having a little human around who needs/wants/cries/screams/doesn't sleep. I've heard that sometimes when you date a single parent your relationship with them becomes kind of obsolete once the child is involved, no more sex, no more adult time. Our sex life is out of this world which is hard earned for both of us coming from practically sex-less relationships with our most recent ex's. We've talked about all of this and he assures me it's not what I fear it to be and that we will both do whatever we need to do to keep each other happy.

I would do anything to be with him. As I've gushed about, he's utterly amazing. I want nothing more than to fall in love with his son, cook dinners and lunches and become a happy little family. I'm just trepidatious about the coming months and not quite sure what to expect

Any advice?

Thanks!

Edited April 19, 2020 by Disillusionment373

April 19, 2020

Why are you meeting the kid this summer? Did you decide on a time/date, or you are just assuming you'll meet him after the pandemic is over? Are you moving in together?

Why do you have to be a happy little family? Isn't the mom still around? How often does the dad see his son? If the mom is still around, you won't have to worry about being a happy family, you'll be the dad's girlfriend, and you can still walk around your house doing whatever adult things you want. Why are you trepidatious about the coming months, what is making you so nervous?

April 19, 2020

1 hour ago, Malin889 said:

Why are you meeting the kid this summer? Did you decide on a time/date, or you are just assuming you'll meet him after the pandemic is over? Are you moving in together?

Why do you have to be a happy little family? Isn't the mom still around? How often does the dad see his son? If the mom is still around, you won't have to worry about being a happy family, you'll be the dad's girlfriend, and you can still walk around your house doing whatever adult things you want. Why are you trepidatious about the coming months, what is making you so nervous?

He wanted to wait 6 to 8 months before I met his son which I think is wise. He's planning on taking us all out to eat or to the park in the summer to meet after COVID passes.

Edited April 19, 2020 by Disillusionment373

April 19, 2020

Smart parents don’t introduce kids to others unless they’re sure the relationship is going to last. Breakups are hard on kids too.

A 5 year old needs to be in his own bed. I get this up to a point but now is the time to break the habit.

Just remember you are taking the son (part time/assuming 50/50 custody) along with the father.

First impressions are lasting so prepare for it.

April 19, 2020

3 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Smart parents don’t introduce kids to others unless they’re sure the relationship is going to last. Breakups are hard on kids too.

A 5 year old needs to be in his own bed. I get this up to a point but now is the time to break the habit.

Just remember you are taking the son (part time/assuming 50/50 custody) along with the father.

First impressions are lasting so prepare for it.

I think he's smart for holding off on the meeting too. If I had a child I would do the same thing.

I agree that at 5 years old he should be sleeping in his own bed. He's a very fearful little boy and might have an attachment issue from what I've seen. I'm concerned I'm going to be kept up all night. My bf has his son 3 days a week on our days off so it will be tough having him every day we have off work. He's an LPN and I'm an RN. Our jobs are very demanding and I need to relax on my days off to get ready for my next shift.

He sleeps in bed with his mom when she has him 4 days a week. She lives at her moms, she doesn't work and can't afford to buy him a bed of his own which is very sad. She's another issue. She doesn't have the highest of character and can be very aggressive and difficult. I'm not looking forward to dealing with her. His ex worked at our place of employment for a little while but got fired for getting into a fight with another coworker and a friend at work told me she's gotten into physical altercations with women over men in the past...jeez

I'm going to buy his son a Jurassic World toy when I first meet him. That's his fav movie.

April 19, 2020

If it were me I’d put some $ into his bedroom. Make it fun. That way he’ll be more apt to sleep there. Some fun bedding, stuffed animals he can sleep with, etc. Shouldn’t cost a lot.

As for the x better set boundaries upfront. Look up parallel parenting and grey rocking. Under the circumstances your BF should already be doing this. Limit contact with the x to email or text. No engagement. I know 3 of which 2 have younger kids who do this and they swear by it.

I got news for you and him no relationship will last with an x in the mix!!!!!!

He has his time and she has hers. Keep everything and I mean everything separate. If he can’t you’re probably doomed here. Better have a talk and make that understood upfront.

Good luck

April 19, 2020

Also on pickups/drop offs limit it to 3 minutes with no engagement. The farther you keep someone like that away the better.

If there are any issues file immediately. If you let these things go they get worse not better.

if your bf wants this to work he’d better stand up and do it. It’s his place not yours.

April 19, 2020

2 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

If it were me I’d put some $ into his bedroom. Make it fun. That way he’ll be more apt to sleep there. Some fun bedding, stuffed animals he can sleep with, etc. Shouldn’t cost a lot.

As for the x better set boundaries upfront. Look up parallel parenting and grey rocking. Under the circumstances your BF should already be doing this. Limit contact with the x to email or text. No engagement. I know 3 of which 2 have younger kids who do this and they swear by it.

I got news for you and him no relationship will last with an x in the mix!!!!!!

He has his time and she has hers. Keep everything and I mean everything separate. If he can’t you’re probably doomed here. Better have a talk and make that understood upfront.

Good luck

Sorry I gave the impression she's in the mix. That's not a concern. Their communication is strictly geared to their son. They do talk on the phone if it's something lengthy like issue with the kid at school which he has. I'm fine with their communication, that's not the issue.

What the concern is about is she seems like a hostile and aggressive person from what I've heard from multiple people and my bf. My bf will look out for me and set boundaries. He knows I'm a little worried about dealing with her. He moves mountains for me though. He'll do what he needs to do. I'm just not thrilled about any interactions with a person like that however brief they are.

She had this odd idea we could all get together and have pizza.... My bf had the same confused reaction I did and quickly shot it down. She has a lot of untreated mental health issue, she's pretty up and down emotionally and can be strange at times.

April 19, 2020

If you keep her out she’ll eventually accept it. Your best bet is to have no interaction with her. Period.

People like that will invent ways for contact. You both need to learn to ignore.

April 19, 2020

8 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Also on pickups/drop offs limit it to 3 minutes with no engagement. The farther you keep someone like that away the better.

If there are any issues file immediately. If you let these things go they get worse not better.

if your bf wants this to work he’d better stand up and do it. It’s his place not yours.

Great ideas and if she does step out of line I would immediately go to the police without hesitation.

They always do quick drop offs and pick ups. I definitely don't want to sit around and chat with her and neither does he. I know he'll briefly talk with her to be civil but no engagement at all? For him or me?

I'm not worried about my bf standing up to her or maintaining boundaries. He's protective over me. I know he doesn't want his ex to have any issues with me because she's threatened to take his son before for no apparent reason other than her being in a mood even though he's the more responsible, most stable parent. So i hope she can be civil because there won't be a problem on my end. I'm just going to keep my distance.

April 19, 2020

4 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

If you keep her out she’ll eventually accept it. Your best bet is to have no interaction with her. Period.

People like that will invent ways for contact. You both need to learn to ignore.

That's exactly what I'm thinking. Spot on.

I think I have to introduce myself though so she can know the woman who will be with her son. But, other than that there will be no chatting from that point on.

My bf is a very gentle, kind person and a bit of a push over at times but generally speaking he doesn't have a problem drawing a line in the sand. He just doesn't ignore her when she starts to perseverate and gets nasty which he needs to learn to.

April 19, 2020

Look if you have engagement there’s always a chance it can go badly. Limited civil engagement it can’t. Your call. Normal people don’t fight at work do they? You aren’t dealing with normal/rational here.

Be civil but distant. The less the better with people like that. Look at her history. It normally doesn’t take much to set them off.

It’s tough to try and rationalize the irrational so it’s better off not to go there.

April 19, 2020

5 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

My bf is a very gentle, kind person and a bit of a push over at times but generally speaking he doesn't have a problem drawing a line in the sand. He just doesn't ignore her when she starts to perseverate and gets nasty which he needs to learn to.

Your bf needs to understand that you teach people how they can treat you. This is totally under his control. He controls his phone, she doesn’t.

its as simple as “I gotta go” then leave. Key word is leave

April 19, 2020

His actions or lack of do have the potential to destroy your relationship. I would have a talk so he totally understands that.

It would probably be a great idea for him to read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover

its a free pdf download and short. It’ll help him see and understand I’m sure.

April 19, 2020

As far as your part upfront you need to support/help and suggest. Pushing or nagging will not be helpful.

It'll be an adjustment period upfront but this is very doable. Communication is key. Talk about it. If either of you internalize Issues/problems it’ll make things worse.

April 19, 2020

18 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

As far as your part upfront you need to support/help and suggest. Pushing or nagging will not be helpful.

It'll be an adjustment period upfront but this is very doable. Communication is key. Talk about it. If either of you internalize Issues/problems it’ll make things worse.

Absolutely

This is new to him to. He hasn't dated anyone new since he had his son. This is new for both of us.

April 19, 2020

As a single parent, not just single father, I am incredibly protective of my children and have been. I not introduce you to my children nor start living with you until it is absolutely clear that our relationship trajectory was committed, long-term, and unambiguous.

Why does the father help buy a bed if she cannot afford one?

If she is as unstable as the ex makes her out to be, why is the child staying with her?

If she has been deemed responsible and sound enough to keep a 5-yr alone in her home and she is the mother, she has a right to know what kind of woman will be around her child. It is up to the father to set boundaries and help assure the mother that you are safe, so know and expect that the ex may or may not want to know more about you.

April 19, 2020

26 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

As a single parent, not just single father, I am incredibly protective of my children and have been. I not introduce you to my children nor start living with you until it is absolutely clear that our relationship trajectory was committed, long-term, and unambiguous.

Why does the father help buy a bed if she cannot afford one?

If she is as unstable as the ex makes her out to be, why is the child staying with her?

If she has been deemed responsible and sound enough to keep a 5-yr alone in her home and she is the mother, she has a right to know what kind of woman will be around her child. It is up to the father to set boundaries and help assure the mother that you are safe, so know and expect that the ex may or may not want to know more about you.

His son has his own bed at his place. Whether or not she wants to save up to buy her son a bed at her mom's house is up to her. I think she's actually content having him sleep with her though.

She's unstable to a degree but she's able to take care of him. Let's be honest, in the world of DCF or CPS, children aren't taken away from their mothers unless something criminal is happening.

I don't have an issue with her knowing who I am and what I'm about nor do I have an issue introducing myself as long she can be respectful. Just because I'm going to be around her son doesn't give her the right to be hostile or cause unnecessary issues which I hope won't happen

Edited April 19, 2020 by Disillusionment373

April 19, 2020

5 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

She's unstable to a degree but she's able to take care of him. Let's be honest, in the world of DCF or CPS, children aren't taken away from their mothers unless something criminal is happening.

I don't have an issue with her knowing who I am and what I'm about nor do I have an issue introducing myself as long she can be respectful. Just because I'm going to be around her son doesn't mean give her the right to be hostile or cause unnecessary issues.

correct, it’s normally a 50/50 split. Being practical after a divorce there is no rights or guarantees. You can only control your time.

Unless both parents are amicable and even then it’s best to keep everything separate. There is no perfect world.

April 19, 2020

She doesn’t work. How is she maintaining a safe environment for her child? It doesn’t sound like you have interacted with her, so you probably leave judgment about how she will respond until you do. Again, she has a right to know what kind of person her ex is exposing her child to.

You have made a number of honest confessions that will make this relationship difficult. If you want it to work, you, the father, and the mother need to find a productive way to communicate. If for no other reason, to keep your own sanity and frustrations in check.

April 19, 2020

8 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

She doesn’t work. How is she maintaining a safe environment for her child? It doesn’t sound like you have interacted with her, so you probably leave judgment about how she will respond until you do. Again, she has a right to know what kind of person her ex is exposing her child to.

You have made a number of honest confessions that will make this relationship difficult. If you want it to work, you, the father, and the mother need to find a productive way to communicate. If for no other reason, to keep your own sanity and frustrations in check.

She's on state benefits and lives with her mom and brothers. In my state you can sometimes have a higher income from state benefits than you can working most unskilled jobs

Again, she can know who I am. I don't have an issue with that as long as she's civil which I hope she will be.

It will be work adjusting to all of this. We talk about it often and will continue to. There's no reason why I would need to have a lot of communication with his ex though. Not sure where you're getting that from.

April 19, 2020

38 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

It doesn’t sound like you have interacted with her, so you probably leave judgment about how she will respond until you do.

The X was fired where OP worked for fighting with a co worker. I'd say that's a pretty good indication of what she's capable of. Go back and read the thread.

Again, she has a right to know what kind of person her ex is exposing her child to.

Nope, only if the OP is ok with it.

Quote

You have made a number of honest confessions that will make this relationship difficult. If you want it to work, you, the father, and the mother need to find a productive way to communicate. If for no other reason, to keep your own sanity and frustrations in check.

Nope, I've seen too many of these cases. The less contact an X (under these circumstances) has the better. Civil but distant. That way there are no issues.

Edited April 19, 2020 by Marc878

April 19, 2020

20 minutes ago, Disillusionment373 said:

She's on state benefits and lives with her mom and brothers. In my state you can sometimes have a higher income from state benefits than you can working most unskilled jobs

Again, she can know who I am. I don't have an issue with that as long as she's civil which I hope she will be.

It will be work adjusting to all of this. We talk about it often and will continue to. There's no reason why I would need to have a lot of communication with his ex though. Not sure where you're getting that from.

Did not say you had to have a lot of communication with her. I simply bundled all of you together. If I were a parent in her position, or even your position, I would have some reasonable expectation that there would some communication had. You will be helping raise this child. You will be part of the team effort and hopefully she will be cordial and supportive to that.

April 19, 2020

Just now, Marc878 said:

Nope, I've seen too many of these cases. The less contact an X (under these circumstances) has the better. Civil but distant. That was there are no issues.

And I have seen too many instance where failure to communicate has created huge issues. If all involved are willing to work this out then let it start in a positive manner. A 5 year old is involved. The OP has yet to communicate with the mother, so not need to sees failure before it’s begun. In the end, the father has a lot to smooth over as a foundation as he is the bridge to all involved.

April 19, 2020

3 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Did not say you had to have a lot of communication with her. I simply bundled all of you together. If I were a parent in her position, or even your position, I would have some reasonable expectation that there would some communication had. You will be helping raise this child. You will be part of the team effort and hopefully she will be cordial and supportive to that.

From what OP has pointed out the chances of them all being one big happy team are slim at best. This is not unusual. I know 3 others 2 of which have younger kids. They just keep everything separate. Civil but separate. It works great in these situations.

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