Did I blow it or is this fixable?

[comitec]

 

We both are in are late 30s and early 40s  I met this girl on a dating app we talked on the phone and we really hit it off in fact she was the one that asked me out. We met up we had a good time she texted me a few hours later before I even had a chance to text her telling me she had a really nice time.  On our date she was telling me about some of her health issues she was having but she is going to the doctor in a few days and hoping for good  news.  We had made a second date but the day before we were supposed to go out she got bad news she has  to have several surgeries and it could be a long recovery.  She texted a couple of hours before we were supposed to go out and said I am sorry but I am dealing  with a lot of issues right now and you are to good of a guy to wait around for me.  This is not what I want but this is out of my control, but she still wanted to keep in touch and  when she is ready to date again she will look me up.  I told her I understood just don't forget me she promised she wouldn't.

    

    This is where I started screwing it up I had health issues as a child so I understood a little on what she was going through.  So I sent her a text a week or so later just asking her how she was doing and letting her know if she needed someone to talk too I am here for her she replied back thank you the same to you.  I kept checking on her every week or so for about a month but her reponse time  to each text was getting longer each time  two or three days and her replies were getting shorter and shorter.  I know that should have been my first clue to back off but in my mind I was just trying to help her through a difficult time it just seemed wrong to disappear and tell her when she is better call me. It had been  11 days since the last time I texted her it was the night before easter and I texted her just asking how she was holding up with the lockdown and told her what I was doing this time she didn't respond.  I am sure she was like damn this guy is so clingy and we have not even started a relationship yet is this fixable?

  

  I talked to my friend about this and he  told me that I may have already blown it.  When she told you to move on but she wanted to keep in touch she was saying right now I have nothing to give you and that line about keeping in touch was a lifeline for her not you It was her way of being able to contact you if she needed to talk. His advice was back off completely no texts don't comment on her FB. post's nothing.  I asked if I should at least text her on her birthday in a couple weeks he said absolutely not!

  
If I go NC. 5 or 6 months can I text her and say Hi.  If your feeling up to it would you like to meet up for coffee?  Should I also say something like sorry if I came off as a little pushy before I was just trying to be helpful but you are a big girl my bad sorry!  She obviously liked me before but it wasn't like we had a relationship so right now her impression of me is  someone who is needy. 

Edited April 17, 2020 by comitec

[Difficultstuff]

Your friend's right. Back off completely. If she needs you or wants to talk she knows where you are. Anything you do now will make you look even more needy. I wouldn't even think about contacting her ever again. She may well have been trying to cut you loose in a relatively easy way without any drama, or she may have, as she said, decided she didn't want a new relationship while facing her health problems. Either way, the last thing she needs is you chasing after her.

Sorry to say it but this one looks like it's gone, though you at least know where you screwed up. It's not impossible she'll be in touch, but I think that has to come from her and I think it's fairly unlikely now. 

[smackie9]

She told you to move on...I would take that advice.

[Erik30]

2 hours ago, comitec said:

If I go NC. 5 or 6 months can I text her and say Hi.  If your feeling up to it would you like to meet up for coffee?  Should I also say something like sorry if I came off as a little pushy before I was just trying to be helpful but you are a big girl my bad sorry!  

You go NC and never text her again. Don't waste months of your life thinking about her, and then when you finally text her she ignores you (again).... and you'll feel even worse.

2 hours ago, comitec said:

She texted a couple of hours before we were supposed to go out and said I am sorry but I am dealing  with a lot of issues right now and you are to good of a guy to wait around for me.  This is not what I want but this is out of my control, but she still wanted to keep in touch and  when she is ready to date again she will look me up. 

I also agree with your friend. This is where you should've left it, she was trying to let you down easy. If she was interested, she would've texted you some day. She still might, (I doubt it) but don't wait for her

[Miss Spider]

Hi. I also agree with your friend. Seems she wasn't that interested on the first date so she gave you that line. And then you went and kept messaging and just became a fly in her ointment. You can't really recover from that impression. I don't think you have a snow ball's chance of gaining her interest at this point. Your best bet would be to use your free time for some self improvement and start over fresh with someone else. Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, comitec said:

If I go NC. 5 or 6 months can I text her and say Hi.  If your feeling up to it would you like to meet up for coffee?  Should I also say something like sorry if I came off as a little pushy before I was just trying to be helpful but you are a big girl my bad sorry!  She obviously liked me before but it wasn't like we had a relationship so right now her impression of me is  someone who is needy. 

You'e fretting too much over something that you might do in 6 months for a woman you met once, OP. Take a deep breath and step back. Your attachment to the outcome of this is out of proportion. and you're getting way ahead of yourself here. 

I get being disappointed, and I think your first response to her after she told you not to expect anything was a reasonable one. It wasn't even necessarily a bad thing to check in a week later to see how she was. But everything after that comes across as too needy, given that she wasn't very responsive and didn't reach out to you at all. 

I wouldn't frame this as going No Contact. I would instead just chalk it up to a mismatch, bad timing or something similar,  and move on. Don't reach out to her again. She knows where to find you if she has a change of heart. If you hear nothing, you can assume she won't have a warm reaction if you try to contact her again in 5 or 6 months. 

 

Edited April 17, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[preraph]

She knows where to find you if her story is real.  If her story IS real, being hospitalized and incapacitated is overwhelming or even just taking care of someone who is, to the point you have no time or energy for anyone else.  

 

That said, she knows where to find you, so just back off since she's not answering and go on about your life.  It truly could be a year to recover from some surgeries.  But don't wait.  Go on about your life.  If she really wanted to keep you on call, she would have had a family member add you to their email list or something like that.  

[CLS63AMG]

You blew that one a long time ago.  You need to get out and date more, getting this attached to a girl you texted with and met once is way over the top.  Also her whole "heath issues" bit could be complete BS. 

 

MOVE ON.

[ccas93]

9 minutes ago, CLS63AMG said:

You blew that one a long time ago.  You need to get out and date more, getting this attached to a girl you texted with and met once is way over the top.  Also her whole "heath issues" bit could be complete BS. 

 

MOVE ON.

I'm with this. I think she pulled the "woe is me" card (I have a a friend who pulls this one all the time, and I know it's usually BS) so she could make it seem like maybe she'd want to talk when she "needs something" or "isn't feeling good" (aka let you down easy, or keep you on the back burner) but also so she could ghost you without feeling bad if she wanted. Curious if she described what her health issues are? Does she have COVID? Is she diabetic? Heart problems? There are plenty of people with health issues who have relationships with other people. I think it's less about "did you blow it" and more about "stop wasting your time". Don't text her again.

Edited April 17, 2020 by ccas93

[chillii]

Well , who know's what her health things were but they could be serious and would be very stressful for a start. Yeah you've over done it for sure when she wasn't sort of asking or welcoming it .

l think all you can do is back away give her the time she's asked for don't bug her and who knows , maybe when things improve later on you might hear from her again.  Just get on with life for now.

[comitec]

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

I'm with this. I think she pulled the "woe is me" card (I have a a friend who pulls this one all the time, and I know it's usually BS) so she could make it seem like maybe she'd want to talk when she "needs something" or "isn't feeling good" (aka let you down easy, or keep you on the back burner) but also so she could ghost you without feeling bad if she wanted. Curious if she described what her health issues are? Does she have COVID? Is she diabetic? Heart problems? There are plenty of people with health issues who have relationships with other people. I think it's less about "did you blow it" and more about "stop wasting your time". Don't text her again.

I know what she has she was upfront with me about it because the last guy she dated couldn't handle it.  Now maybe  I couldn't handle it  either but I was willing to try.  Now unless she is lying to all her other friends on Facebook her last recent post you can tell something is not right by looking at her.  I know it's stupid of me to be so hung up on a girl I just met but I got a spark with her and I don't usually get that with most other women and that is why I am trying so hard.

 

[rjc149]

She clearly didn't catch the same spark on that 1st date. 

When a woman is disrespectful enough to blow off a date last minute with "I'm not ready to date right now," (womanspeak for "I'm not attracted to you") the proper response is no response. Nothing. Silence. You walk away with your self-respect and never look back. Telling her to 'look you up and to not forget about you,' that you'll be there waiting like a little puppy dog when she comes whistling for you again, shows her that she can push you around and have her way with you. Women are not attracted to men who tolerate being treated like that. It means they don't respect themselves. 

Have some respect for yourself brother. Never contact this woman again. She will never date you. The more you try, the more unattractive she'll find you. Move on to women who will be excited to date you. They're out there.  

 

[Mystery4u]

Health issues or no health issues, if she was truly interested she would have found time to meet up again and pursue a potential relationship. What you do is nothing, you forget about her and move on. No contacting her, especially on her birthday. She has your number if she want's to get in touch.

[Lotsgoingon]

Let me translate her words: 

She texted a couple of hours before we were supposed to go out and said I am sorry but I am dealing  with a lot of issues right now and you are to good of a guy to wait around for me.

• Telling someone they are too good for us = this person doesn't want to date you.
   
• I'm dealing with a lot of issues right now = they're not interested in you. (If people are interested in us, they'll ignore their issues, hide their issues, put their issues in a closet, go to a therapist or assume they can work out their issues)
   
• You're a wonderful person = I'm not interested in  dating you. (Telling someone they're wonderful does not mean I think you're hot and I can't wait to see you.)
   
• The words that indicate interest are like this: I REALLY WANT to see you again. I had a total blast hanging out with you. 

And no, you do NOT want to check in with her in six months. For one, you don't know her. One day and some texts--it's not your job to "check on her." Let her family and friends do that. You're a stranger and you wouldn't know how to take care of her anyway. You aren't close enough to her to know how to emotionally take care of her. Taking care of her--listening to her--is something you do once you know someone REALLY well and the relationship is serious. An acquaintance can't really do that. 

So move on. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, comitec said:

I know what she has she was upfront with me about it because the last guy she dated couldn't handle it.  Now maybe  I couldn't handle it  either but I was willing to try.  Now unless she is lying to all her other friends on Facebook her last recent post you can tell something is not right by looking at her.  I know it's stupid of me to be so hung up on a girl I just met but I got a spark with her and I don't usually get that with most other women and that is why I am trying so hard.

That is genuinely a nice sentiment, but she doesn't want you to try. That spark also needs to be two-way street for it to amount to something. Trying to make it work with someone who is giving essentially nothing in return is futile. All it does is badger the other person who wishes you'd have taken the hint the first time. 

Keep in mind that you two hardly know each other. If she is being honest about her health struggles, she is likely more eager to seek comfort in the people closest to her. that she knows well. She probably wouldn't have turned to you - a guy she met once - for support under these circumstances. It's not the time to try to be her soft place to fall. You don't know her well enough to do so. 

She has told you to move on from her. Her lack of communication thereafter supports the notion that she isn't interested in keeping in touch. Maybe she will reach out again someday but you need to keep moving and not put yourself on hold for her. 

Edited April 18, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Juha]

 

She was being disrespectful by lying to you and cancelling your date at the last minute

 

Health issues or not, this woman is not someone of high value with how she treated you.

 

Delete and move on

 

I wish you luck