XXMoonlight Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 I have known my boyfriend for 5 years now. We used to be friends but we were not really close. We became really close friends last year because we started playing online games together. At that point, he introduced me to his friends and cousins since we all played together. After a few months, we got into a relationship and it stayed private. I told my friends but he didn't tell his friends or cousins about us. He even told me not to tell our mutual friends but eventually everyone on his side and our mutual friends found out. Our relationship went really well for 4 months and after that 4 months, he wasn't texting me or calling me like he used to. I felt like he was ghosting me so I asked him about it he said he was busy and his parents took his phone away due to exam. Btw, he is a year younger than me and i'm his first girlfriend. A few days after I asked him, he texted me saying our relationship isn't working out and he doesn't feel the same way about me like he used to and wants to go back to being friends. He also mentioned about wanting a break. So we broke up/ "took a break" in good terms. 3 weeks later he texted me and said he misses me. After that we started texting and calling again, not everyday but quite often. He would flirt and I would kinda flirt back, he would also send me some couple posts from Instagram. It kept on going like this for 3 months (till February 2020) and his exam was also over (December 2019). He would constantly ask me if i'm seeing anyone else or if i'm in a relationship. He even asked me several times if i would get back with him if he wanted me back. Then in mid February 2020, we got back together after some discussion about why he actually broke up with me (his reasons were kinda acceptable, not fully but partially). Again, I told my friends, he didn't tell anyone. He told me he wants to keep it private for some time and doesn't want to give me a reason. I don't understand why. Can someone please tell me what to do or try explaining why he says that from your point of view? and do you think I made a good decision by getting back with him? EXTRA INFORMATION: he has strict parents, he SOMETIMES prioritizes online games and his boys over me, he puts in effort to meet me whenever possible (ever since we were friends)
stillafool Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 (edited) Have you actually dated IRL or is this all by text, etc.? I think the real reason he doesn't want your relationship publicized is because he is also talking to other girls and doesn't want them to find out. He is probably running this game on many. If you still have feelings for him you cannot be his friend. You need to block him and move on with your life. Edited April 17, 2020 by stillafool 1
preraph Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 Have his parents forbidden him to have a gf? Do you think that's why? Otherwise, I think it's because he has a crush on some girl and he broke up to see if he could get her and still wants to do that. It's not right for him not to give you a reason. He knows it's an unacceptable reason or he'd tell you. He's being dishonest with you and I think he likes someone else. 1
scooby-philly Posted April 18, 2020 Posted April 18, 2020 Leave now. I'm not one to advocate ending relationships on here that often - cause it's a one sided affair and we only get one perspective of the "story". But two red flags - he has strict parents and you've been dating a while (not clear how long you've been actually "dating" since your story was confusing and unorganized) but if you hit 6 months and he isn't showing you off and willing to go "public" or at least set a firm date in stone - then he's either not in love with you enough to make you the priority over his strict family or he's not in love with you enough to see how awesome you are (aka the "proud of you" that elaine567 mentioned.) So draw a line in the sand and see what happens. And apologies if this comes off too direct or too mean in a way. I've learned the hard way, particularly from immature and/or emotionally unstable people - if someone really loves you they show it through their ACTIONS and not just their words. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 Interesting. How are you friends for 5 YEARS and only start meeting his friends and cousins for the FIRST time????! You used the word 'friends,' not close, but friends. Just wondering. You became 'really close' friends by playing online games. Not by actually being together physically and experiencing things in the real world??? You know a lot more about his digital likes and dislikes...as stillafool, asked, have you actually dated in IRL? Again curious. How do you know how strict his parents are? They don't seem to mind that he wastes hours playing online games. You KNOW that they are strict because he told you or because you experienced this because you have been with him IRL? Yeah. He's playing with you now. Keep it private? Because he is not committed to you. Is he afraid that you will tell his parents or something? Or his other friends which then would get back to the other girl (per preraph) he really wants to be with? Just asking some questions... 2
Mystery4u Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 You both sound young. Teenagers? I'm assuming you are both each others first boyfriend/girlfriend. Pretty common at that age, sounds like he doesn't know how to act in a relationship. For whatever reason he is not proud to have you as his girlfriend. Honestly, you two are not going to last. Better to just end it now. 1
spiderowl Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 (edited) He does not want to make the relationship public because he is not certain about it. There is not necessarily any bad reason for this. It may be that he is young and has not dated much. It may be that he has doubts because he feels you are more invested than he - this can change if he starts to feel you are the one who is less invested. He may become more invested in future, we do not know. However, it has been some time now and it sounds like he wants to be free to pursue other relationships if he wishes. If he wants to be free, he should just have said to you that you were both good friends. That way, you would also feel free to pursue other relationships. In a friends situation - even friends with benefits - both parties have the choice of pursuing others if they wish. They know the score. Even in friends-with-benefits situations, one or both parties may fall in love, but until each says to the other that they are committed to a full relationship (with public acknowledgement if wanted) then each should assume that they are just friends. In other words, he should be honest with you about his level of commitment. If you are uncomfortable with this lack of acknowledgement because you feel more committed to him, you do have the option to leave this relationship. You are both young so you might as well pursue other relationships for a while and see how they vary. Why get stuck with one person who has limited investment? This situation is not good for your self-esteem. In a relationship, it is important to value yourself as well as your partner. If his/her behaviour is hurting you and they do not acknowledge their part in it, why put up with it? How is the other person to learn what your standards of behaviour are, if you always accept their attitudes to things? Edited April 19, 2020 by spiderowl 1
Author XXMoonlight Posted April 19, 2020 Author Posted April 19, 2020 @stillafool We have dated irl. I guess you have a point.
Author XXMoonlight Posted April 19, 2020 Author Posted April 19, 2020 @preraph Well his mom wouldnt go against him if he had a gf and his dad wouldnt allow him to have one. Tbh, I thought of the same thing but i was kind of afraid to ask him about it because i didnt wanna create an argument. 1
Author XXMoonlight Posted April 19, 2020 Author Posted April 19, 2020 @scooby-philly I'm sorry the story seemed unorganized but thats how messy our relationship was. We were together for 4 months (May 2019 till September 2019). Then we "took a break" (from his point of view) for 4 months (October 2019 till January 2020) and got back together in February 2020. And no need to apologize, its fine. 1
Author XXMoonlight Posted April 19, 2020 Author Posted April 19, 2020 @Gr8fuln2020 We were in the same school for 2 years (both of us joined the school at the same time). We were not so close because we only got to hangout in school. I knew his friends in school but neither of us were close to them (yes, not even he was close to them). After the 2 years, he transferred schools and we didn't really talk much. We would only text once in awhile. Then when we started playing games together and became really close friends, he introduced me to his other friends (the ones who are actually close to him, unlike the ones in school) and his cousins cause we all play together. We started hanging out more often after we became close friends. And yes we have dated IRL. It wasnt only through texts and calls. We do go out on dates. I know his parents are strict because his mom and my mom are friends (thats a whole different story). Plus his cousins and he himself told me as well. And no they don't mind him playing games for hours because they don't know that he does. His dad would take his phone away if he found out that his son uses his phone for hours and isn't actually being productive. 11 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Is he afraid that you will tell his parents or something? Or his other friends which then would get back to the other girl (per preraph) he really wants to be with? He knows I won't tell his parents. And the friends part, well his friends are really close to me and I actually told one of our mutual friend about this (eventhough my bf told me not to let anyone know yet) and he said he doesn't know why my bf is acting this way. Basically if there was another girl and they knew about it, they would have definitely told me. Since no one told me anything, i'm guessing there is no other girl or my bf just didn't tell anyone about her as well.
Author XXMoonlight Posted April 19, 2020 Author Posted April 19, 2020 @Mystery4u yeah we are teenagers I have been in a relationship with other guys before him but he has never been with anyone else before me. 11 hours ago, Mystery4u said: sounds like he doesn't know how to act in a relationship. For whatever reason he is not proud to have you as his girlfriend. Honestly, you two are not going to last. Better to just end it now. That's what my friends told me as well :(
preraph Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 Here's my best advice. you are young and you have a lot of options and you can meet a lot of guys who are ready to have a girlfriend and are a better boyfriend. this one is not being honest with you and it sounds like he still has conflicts at home and he's not mature enough to stand up to them and may not be old enough to. Just let him go and find a new boyfriend who doesn't make you unhappy. 2
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 You never let a guy call all the shots.....ever. He was just using you. He has no clue how a relationship works or what purpose it truly has. He just came calling when he wanted attention. Kick his butt to the curb. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 4 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You never let a guy call all the shots.....ever. He was just using you. He has no clue how a relationship works or what purpose it truly has. He just came calling when he wanted attention. Kick his butt to the curb. I'm looking for some as fiery as you! Any ideas?! 2
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 6 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: I'm looking for some as fiery as you! Any ideas?! You are young....it’s up to you to learn from your experiences and then make healthy decisions. You can do this! 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 5 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You are young....it’s up to you to learn from your experiences and then make healthy decisions. You can do this! I'm 51!!! I am young?
peaceminusone Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 Have you tried to communicate with him, about this matter? on a serious note ONE LAST TIME talk and see if he opens up about the reason 'why he wont proudly admit that youre his girl, to the world?' Besides this parental thing. Whats the problem with being open about it to friends, who wont tell the fam? Or are the cousins those friends? Ive seen grown ass men being immature little boys over weird reasons, and this one is just a teenager. so imo talk to him . If he gives you the same BS reason of fam and whatever, run like hell. 1
scooby-philly Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 4 hours ago, XXMoonlight said: @scooby-philly I'm sorry the story seemed unorganized but thats how messy our relationship was. We were together for 4 months (May 2019 till September 2019). Then we "took a break" (from his point of view) for 4 months (October 2019 till January 2020) and got back together in February 2020. And no need to apologize, its fine. No worries - thanks for the clear explanation. As others have clearly stated - you're young and you're learning. Not that he's necessarily a bad guy, but you know you want better and he's not able to provide that. As simple as it is to be proud and feel head over heels about someone, he can't do that yet/for you. So let him go - you can tell him the truth to help him - and then focus on you.
smackie9 Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: I'm 51!!! I am young? Lol! younger than me!!! Lol Well then you should know better right? Too much garbage , take it to the curb. Oh and don’t forget to wash your hands of it lol Edited April 19, 2020 by smackie9 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 No way would I continue to date a guy who treated me the way this one has treated you. You can't possibly have a real, genuine relationship when he's keeping it a secret. I'm sure if it was just down to having a strict father he would have already made that abundantly clear to you. However, you said he couldn't really explain why this needs to be a secret. You also say he got very distant before the break-up. That tells me this is not all about strict parents. My best guess is that you're not the only girl he's trying to have a relationship with, or that he doesn't really view you as a girlfriend for him but rather just someone to pass the time with. Either way, I'd be out of there. This isn't going to last, and it's going to tear your self-esteem to shreds in the process. 1
kendahke Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 On 4/19/2020 at 1:28 PM, Gr8fuln2020 said: I'm 51!!! I am young? Yes, you are 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 20, 2020 Posted April 20, 2020 7 minutes ago, kendahke said: Yes, you are I FEEL young! 1
mortensorchid Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 He's telling you he doesn't want to go any further than you have. Move on or at least keep your options open. 1
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