pepperbird Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 A question for parengts of adult children with special needs. My oldest is 22. She's on the spectrum but would be placed at the high functioning end. She is in uni, now, working on a law degree, is on the Dean's List and doing really well academically. Socially, she's struggling. She used to get bullied and teased a lot in school, so she started "masking" as much as she could. It become a coping mechanism for her, and while it worked well in the past, it's not so effective any more. I'd like to talk to her about this, but I don't really know how. I masked for a lot of years, and if I could go back, I would do it differently. I was always pretending to be something I wasn't. I don't want her to go through that too if there is an easier, less crushing way of doing so. It's odd, but in some ways, i;m more concerned for her than my son, even though he's not as high functioning and nearly non-verbal. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 What exactly is "masking"? But you should start by saying what's below: 12 minutes ago, pepperbird said: I'd like to talk to her about this, but I don't really know how. I masked for a lot of years, and if I could go back, I would do it differently. I was always pretending to be something I wasn't. I don't want her to go through that too if there is an easier, less crushing way of doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted April 17, 2020 Author Share Posted April 17, 2020 1 hour ago, stillafool said: What exactly is "masking"? But you should start by saying what's below: Masking is when an autistic tries to act and appear nuerotypical. As an example, a lot of autistics suck at eye contact because we often can't "read" people's facial expressions and non-verbal cues. We can see them, but not interpret them ( kind of like a language we don't understand or speak). I thought I could cover that up by consciously making eye contact. I found it pointless, but I did it anyway until a good friend of mine asked me why I always stared at people's faces when I spoke to them. Turns out, my masking was a big fail. My daughter doesn't want people to know she's autistic. She's had lots of speech therapy, been in Toastmasters to help herself gain more confidence public speaking and improve on her diction, speed and tone ( she speaks in a monotone). She tries so hard to cover up partly because she doesn't want to be autistic and partly because she wants to make her accomplishments based on her own hard work and effort, not because people feel sorry for her. I really respect that. She's made a lot of accomplishments such as being a published author, winning literary prizes and even being asked to help judge a literary competition for youth for the past few years. She tries so hard but she's not really happy in her own skin. I'm hoping that will come with time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 She sounds like a wonderful daughter and I can imagine how proud you must be of her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 No advice, just observations. I've got a high-functioning aspie son, age 26. Socializing has been difficult his entire life because he wants to be with people but NTs sense 'something is not right' and tend to steer clear. Consequently he often 'fell in with bad crowds' who were not so discerning. But (finally) in the last couple of years he fell in with, of all things, a Bible study group. He's also has had a gf for over a year. So my conclusion: try to be patient and perhaps your daughter will 'find her way' in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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