Fear of intimacy

[ctlguy]

Has anyone ever been confused whether someone fears intimacy or not that into you?

I am reading into my past relationship with my GF of 5 months. 

We are both in our early 40s. She was married to a narcissist for 12 years and in a 6 year relationship where they spent very little time together and he cheated on her. This is coupled with an abusive mother and father. She admits she fears commitment long term and doesnt want to go through a divorce again to marriage scares her. 

We had great times together and traveled, had great sex, and created great memories. She always made little subtle jokes about getting a "family membership" at the gym together, or moving in together when my lease is up. . She said we will consider options when the time came. She mentioned that a couple should live together for a year at least before even considering marriage. She mentioned going into real estate together so she thought long term it seemed.

Apparently our split was VERY hard on her. SO....... she fits all the signs of fear of intimacy. When things were great it was followed up a wall and distancing. She was open and we had LONG talks about our past but it seemed like it was more aimed at me and not herself. She told me I over analyzed everything, but it was because the roller coaster of hot and cold were confusing.

Now on the flip side. We had some differences, and there were some apprehensions on both our part but we did adore one another. It almost seemed like some were trivial and just looking for little things to find a reason that we didnt seem like a forever couple. 

Was childhood and relationship traumas the main reason or just not that into me overall or a combo?

[Miss Spider]

Hmmmm Not sure, but I'm just wondering why it really matters? I think a lot of we are or are not interested can stem back to to something else if you look deep enough, but you won't know unless we unravel our psyche? It's better to just accept it and move forward.

Edited April 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[littleblackheart]

Maybe it was neither fear of intimacy or 'not that into you', and she was simply on a rebound, or not as emotionally ready for a relationship? If she was married 12 years and had a 6 year relationship, she's obviously not fearful of intimacy. I too don't think it matters now that you have split. You weren't meant to be; that's all the takeaway you need from this. 

[Ami1uwant]

Sounds like there was fear there. I’m not if it’s intimacy fear vs commitment fear

[chillii]

How long since the split , have you talked at all since .

Anyway , it could be fear , could be she was rolling along and wanting it to be all but deep down it just wasn't , could be the opposite and she ran because of it , impossible to say with out more nitty gritty .  But if your still talking you could try to find out , talk to her , without poking the bear to much , it might even rekindle if she is running , and if that could happen you could try again . Might involve some more end pain though if she truly does want out so that's the chance you have to figure out if you wanna take or not.  Was there any talk of love , 5mths that should be coming out , if there truly was then you'll both be still thinking thinking and missing underneath .

lf you really wanna know or try again personally that's what l'd do because if she was scared she'd need the prodding or she'll just stay away forever because it's safer. Might get no where or end in more hurt , or it might save it  First thing l noticed in women l met 40s and 50s after my divorce though, is they really are scared underneath and start picking at the stupidest little things even start creating them , it's like they want that someone and have something very special again but just don't have the heart and nerve left to really try when or if that does come along and yet it's finally right there in their hand so they shyt it and sabotage. Nothing to lose really to me it's better than wondering forever and maybe never finding someone else special enough.

 

 

 

 

[balletomane]

I was in a two-year abusive relationship with a narcissistic man that shredded my self-confidence and left me very frightened of intimacy. My ex was diagnosed with a severe mental illness, and I just tolerated the abuse because I told myself he couldn't really help it and that I would be a disloyal partner if I left him over illness.

Today I'm in a loving relationship with the best guy I could have asked for, but it took me four and a half years to be ready to date again. I was in weekly therapy for a full year. This is what it took for me to recover from just two years of abuse. Your ex, from the sounds of things, was coping with it for most of her life. She will need to do a lot of healing and as sad as it is, a long-term committed relationship may not be an option for her. But that is her battle to fight, not yours. As hard as it is, you need to concentrate on moving on.

[Juha]

 

If you knew and saw what she was why did you move forward dating her?

It was obvious she was damaged and would not be able to have a real relationship with her past

 

Do not waste your precious time on people who are damaged, they will drain you and waste your time

when you could be out finding someone who is not damaged and can have areal relationship

[Lotsgoingon]

I've been the person in your ex's position and in your position. And here's my conclusion: the difference doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether she has intimacy issues or if she has "I'm not that into you" issues. 

For the longest time, I thought I have commitment issues. Later, after meeting women i was really into, I realized I was dating women I wasn't that into. 

The rule of smart dating is to react based on how that person treats you and how you feel. Forget whether they have issues. Some people have issues and they can be present and make you feel great. Other people have issues and don't know they have issues. You're on the outside looking in. All you need to know is that this person wasn't fully available for a relationship with you. Because whether it's issues or ... being not that into you ... the result is the same. You don't feel a present partner. The person keeps you at a distance.

The problem with trying to "understand" someone's issues, is that you lose sight of the goal. Some issues are fixable unless that persons works really hard, gets to therapy, heals, lets go, grows and moves forward. When you ask about the origins of a problem (you talk about her abusive family and her being married to a narcissist) ... when you start focusing here, you are off target. Because you can easily end up thinking "Oh, I can help her overcome this fear of intimacy, this history of abuse. I can be so kind and nice, she'll me." NO! You don't want to be kind or nice to win someone's trust. You wanna be yourself, a good version of yourself, and she clearly and without conflict comes towards you. 

To be crude: the thinking about dating isn't all that different (in some ways--some!) than hiring an employee. You hire an employee based on whether that person can do the job., You don't want to hear about their problems. You need someone who can do the job or can quickly learn to to do the job. For dating, you date someone who can be present now! Who is healed enough now to do the job well of dating you. And you're right, sometimes the issue is that they simply aren't into us. But we can't determine that most of the time. Heck, the distant person has trouble determining that most of the time. 

Bottom line: she wasn't available and comfortable and steady with you. You would have been miserable. The relationship wasn't going to work, was not working. Keep going and find someone who RIGHT NOW is fully capable of being the kind of partner you want. 

[Miss Spider]

54 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I've been the person in your ex's position and in your position. And here's my conclusion: the difference doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether she has intimacy issues or if she has "I'm not that into you" issues. 

For the longest time, I thought I have commitment issues. Later, after meeting women i was really into, I realized I was dating women I wasn't that into. 

The rule of smart dating is to react based on how that person treats you and how you feel. Forget whether they have issues. Some people have issues and they can be present and make you feel great. Other people have issues and don't know they have issues. You're on the outside looking in. All you need to know is that this person wasn't fully available for a relationship with you. Because whether it's issues or ... being not that into you ... the result is the same. You don't feel a present partner. The person keeps you at a distance.

The problem with trying to "understand" someone's issues, is that you lose sight of the goal. Some issues are fixable unless that persons works really hard, gets to therapy, heals, lets go, grows and moves forward. When you ask about the origins of a problem (you talk about her abusive family and her being married to a narcissist) ... when you start focusing here, you are off target. Because you can easily end up thinking "Oh, I can help her overcome this fear of intimacy, this history of abuse. I can be so kind and nice, she'll me." NO! You don't want to be kind or nice to win someone's trust. You wanna be yourself, a good version of yourself, and she clearly and without conflict comes towards you. 

To be crude: the thinking about dating isn't all that different (in some ways--some!) than hiring an employee. You hire an employee based on whether that person can do the job., You don't want to hear about their problems. You need someone who can do the job or can quickly learn to to do the job. For dating, you date someone who can be present now! Who is healed enough now to do the job well of dating you. And you're right, sometimes the issue is that they simply aren't into us. But we can't determine that most of the time. Heck, the distant person has trouble determining that most of the time. 

Bottom line: she wasn't available and comfortable and steady with you. You would have been miserable. The relationship wasn't going to work, was not working. Keep going and find someone who RIGHT NOW is fully capable of being the kind of partner you want. 

Great post! I agree. Even if she did have some psychological problem that could be worked through with therapy, that is a big commitment that SHE has to want to make. Also,  from the outside, it looks like a have commitment issues but I really DO NOT and who knows I might even become super clingy when if I found someone I was actually really into. That's what I am thinking.

[Fletch Lives]

How long was her last relationship and how long was she single before she met you?

[dangerous]

Lots of great advice here. And OP you mention "hot and cold". That is in my experience the Kiss of death. Hot and cold forever, so accept it (VERY hard work: do you really want that?), or get out as soon as you can, and don't look back.

Edited April 20, 2020 by dangerous

[boymommy]

I was married to a narcissist for 11 years and it caused signficant trauma to me. I have had extensive therapy and yet still have issues with trust in my current relationship. Anything is possible. My boyfriend also has struggles due to his prior marriage so we have a mutual understanding and are both working on things and are both in therapy. It's possible she wasn't ready for what you were (I tried to date men who wanted a super serious committed relationship that led to marriage within a shorter time frame prior to meeting my boyfriend and I was nowhere near ready!) Just chalk it up to a learning experience and be self aware of what doesn't work for you in a relationship.