Author allofyou Posted April 17, 2020 Author Posted April 17, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said: Ok, that makes sense. My own personal theory is that anxious or avoidant people are in fact people who keep repeating the same RL mistakes or patterns, which reinforces their traits. An 'avoidant' person can learn to make the effort to communicate better with a suitable partner who expresses their needs in a non-confrontational way. Similarly, an anxious person can learn to let loose and relax a little with a partner who listens to their needs. All it takes is the right person. As far as your situation allofyou, your anxiety might be triggered by your instincts telling you this guy's not the right guy for you. Likely nothing sinister in it; you're just on different pages. Talking might help? Yes communication will definitely make things easier but for me and many fearful-avoidant or anxious-avoidant (the combination of two) it is incredibly difficult because when we become anxious, worried, and scared, we tend to shut down. Whereas purely anxious people will like to make a scene and talk about it. Right now I’m having this strong urge to not talk to him and to ignore him but at the same time I’m forcing myself to text him back. Communication is the most difficult for me. I will try and clear my mind for a few days and see how I feel. I’m seeing him this weekend and I don’t think I will be ready to bring up anything yet. Edited April 17, 2020 by allofyou 1
Emilie Jolie Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 22 minutes ago, allofyou said: Right now I’m having this strong urge to not talk to him and to ignore him but at the same time I’m forcing myself to text him back. Can you explain the urge not to talk and why you're forcing yourself to text him back? Is it in reaction to his communication style, or is it was you do when you're in an emotionally triggering situation you can't quite control? 1
Allupinnit Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 4 hours ago, allofyou said: I actually have to disagree that he treats me like a booty call. He’s shown interests in many ways and everything we do is more couply than FWB and he told me he’s looking for a serious relationship. Ofc he could be lying but I don’t want to assume the worst of people. tbh I posted this thread not because I wanted to figure out what is going on in his head. An internet stranger can’t tell me that. It’s more for my thought process. Yeah I mean not when you're with him, right? I bet he treats you like a gf. So did the guy in my story, he even held my hand in the car and called me every day. I'm like you- I'd be hurt to go a couple of days without contact. Luckily I found a guy who is more my "attachment style" - or what have you.
rjc149 Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 OP, instead of withdrawing and shutting down, or punishing him for the way he's making you feel by ignoring him, why not gently bring it up to him? You *gotta* communicate these things and clear the air or your relationship has no chance.
Dis Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 On 4/17/2020 at 12:31 PM, allofyou said: I am anxious avoidant in a way that I often go through stages where I feel anxious about things first without showing it (normally due to changes in their behaviours or general sense of insecurity) and then go into withdrawal mode where I feel like not seeing him again. Maybe you're feeling like you need to withdraw from him not because you think you're an anxious avoidant type but because you're gut is telling you he's not a good idea Date someone who makes you feel safe and peaceful. Not someone who goes from texting you everyday to not texting you for days. Date someone who cares more than that or someone who communicates that they need space instead of going quiet knowing full well how that would make you feel This seems like a slow fade with intermittent bread crumbs scattered about 2
BrennaR Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 allofyou - I am very similar to you, also an anxious avoidant. I believe that your attachment to him grew (as it naturally would after sex and bonding), and triggered his avoidance. Obviously we don't know what his attachment style is, but whatever it is, he is not ok with that level of closeness and your dependency on him and he is showing you. This is exactly a relationship he is capable of giving you. It's up to you to accept it or move on. I think your feeling of not wanting to talk to him is also very natural and it's in reaction to him and his new avoidance behavior. I don't know if "communicating" about it is really going to make such a difference, BUT I think you should call him and talk to him, for your own sake and just so that you know you went on a limb and did it. Talking is the more "mature" road and it WILL give you the answers you seek. What and how he speaks to you will either salvage this or it will permanently ruin this. 1
poppyfields Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 (edited) On 4/18/2020 at 7:08 PM, Disillusionment373 said: Maybe you're feeling like you need to withdraw from him not because you think you're an anxious avoidant type but because you're gut is telling you he's not a good idea That's what anxious-avoidants do though, their anxiety causes them to believe no one is a good idea. So they avoid. Shut down, run away The reality may have nothing to do with whomever they're dating, that person could be a loving, giving person, it's the anxious-avoidant's anxiety and fear that's driving their ship. Edited April 23, 2020 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 On 4/17/2020 at 4:53 PM, rjc149 said: You *gotta* communicate these things and clear the air or your relationship has no chance. Easier said than done when fear and anxiety are driving your ship. These are deep issues that are not easily resolved, and they can be paralyzing for many people who struggle with thrm.
notthatintome Posted May 1, 2020 Posted May 1, 2020 From reading what you have written, I wouldn't be worried about a slow fade at all. It has only been 2 months and already you are isolating together - this is a tall order for even those who have been together for many years. Life in general feels very claustrophobic at the moment and emotions are heightened with the lack of freedom, distraction and stimulus everyone is experiencing. He is still communicating, he still wants to see you, and you're still spending time together. Everything is fine. We are not in a normal situation so expectations have to be lowered slightly. Trust in yourself, trust your connection, give each other space and only when this pandemic is over can you truly gauge how it's going to pan out. You sound lovely by your posts and I am sure he thinks so too. Try to focus your mind on something other than him (if you haven't already) as the distraction will help you and you'll soon stop worrying and realise everything is actually ok.
dispatch3d Posted May 22, 2020 Posted May 22, 2020 Well I got through most of this thread, just reading OP's messages, honestly mind blown the entire time. With my guy friends - even my very good guy friends - I might contact them 2-3 times a week, a 2 day pause in my world is nothing. It's like, sneezing, or maybe I got caught up in video games/coding/I don't know, an interest? I'm basically never in relationships, maybe the lack of communication on my part is the problem, I would never think I'm required to contact a girl minimum 5 times per week. That happens when I initially know them if I really like them, but I'm sure there's a balancing at some point. Anyhow I'm mostly replying to give you some perspective here. Invariably, if you are craving more talking/texting, and he's happy with less, it seems up to you to contact him more (why would it be him? He's meeting his amount of texting he needs likely). Also at some point you should be reaching out at least a little. I would never even think to contact him less if I was feeling anxious about not contacting him enough. I'd probably talk to him and throw a hissy fit before I did that. Anyhow best of luck.
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