He is playing hot and cold now after 2 months? Slow fade?

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 minute ago, allofyou said:

He said he never ever dates more than two people and I have no reason to call him a liar. A lot of posters have actually commented on the implied exclusivity thing in my last post so please feel free to agree or disagree with them

This 'implied' exclusivity is just that...IMPLIED. We all know that people leave relationships open to interpretation all the time. I NEVER assume the status of a relationship. I make it CLEAR what my intentions are VERBALLY. Now, there is no guarantee, but even less when you make assumptions.

Did you mean to say 'he never ever dates more than two people?' So, he could be dating someone else????

[allofyou]

6 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

This 'implied' exclusivity is just that...IMPLIED. We all know that people leave relationships open to interpretation all the time. I NEVER assume the status of a relationship. I make it CLEAR what my intentions are VERBALLY. Now, there is no guarantee, but even less when you make assumptions.

Did you mean to say 'he never ever dates more than two people?' So, he could be dating someone else????

Oops Sorry I meant to say he never multidates as in he dates one person at a time. I told him me either and that was that. 
 

But I don’t assume we are in a relationship. If he is indeed seeing others, I guess I can’t control that but if I find out, I will leave for sure. I think I will need another month before I’m 100% comfortable with title / defining the relationship 

[allofyou]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

If he does fade it's okay as there are plenty of other men out there.  

But what if it rinses and repeats with all other guys?  I’m getting really tired of dating 

[Gr8fuln2020]

10 minutes ago, allofyou said:

Oops Sorry I meant to say he never multidates as in he dates one person at a time. I told him me either and that was that. 
 

But I don’t assume we are in a relationship. If he is indeed seeing others, I guess I can’t control that but if I find out, I will leave for sure. I think I will need another month before I’m 100% comfortable with title / defining the relationship 

I hear a good deal of anxiety in this for you. Under the circumstances, try to keep things objective as possible and not allow the state of currently worldly affairs and your own needs/desires overtake you. For many people, if probably is a good idea to forgo a relationship until we are out of this COVID mess. Until then, find other ways to remain connected w/o the turmoil of romantic relationship expectations complicating things.

Maybe a break is in order?

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 minutes ago, allofyou said:

But what if it rinses and repeats with all other guys?  I’m getting really tired of dating 

Oh, dear. It just may...for some time. But you  have little to no control over what others decide to do. You continue the search until you find that person, but don't sell yourself short by staying with people who do not value you.

[allofyou]

1 minute ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I hear a good deal of anxiety in this for you. Under the circumstances, try to keep things objective as possible and not allow the state of currently worldly affairs and your own needs/desires overtake you. For many people, if probably is a good idea to forgo a relationship until we are out of this COVID mess. Until then, find other ways to remain connected w/o the turmoil of romantic relationship expectations complicating things.

Maybe a break is in order?

Thanks for your advice

Yes dating is often frustrating and nerve wrecking to me. So I don’t date a lot. But when I do date, it makes it much more stressed to me because it gave me a false sense of “specialness” of someone. 

[allofyou]

4 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Oh, dear. It just may...for some time. But you  have little to no control over what others decide to do. You continue the search until you find that person, but don't sell yourself short by staying with people who do not value you.

Thank you  

I guess you’re right coupled with COVID, it’s hard overall. Also i find it super hard to not “under sell” myself since I’ve been single for 2-3 years now. A lot of my friends and strangers said I’m a good catch and would make a great gf but evidence has suggested otherwise lol 

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I should add, I was always this way, even before becoming "official."  

He loved how direct I was, how fearless, how real, in fact he admitted it was one of the reasons he wanted to have a relationship with me.

This is the perfect way to be. Just talk about it and figure it out. Stop all the mind games and what if's.  You are a Rock Star in more ways than one.

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 minute ago, allofyou said:

Thank you  

I guess you’re right coupled with COVID, it’s hard overall. Also i find it super hard to not “under sell” myself since I’ve been single for 2-3 years now. A lot of my friends and strangers said I’m a good catch and would make a great gf but evidence has suggested otherwise lol 

What evidence? Having had the misfortune of dating some wiener-schnitzels as your experience does not necessarily mean you are not a good catch and would make a great gf! For now, it could just mean your choice or your encounters have proven unworthy.

[poppyfields]

Another possibility for this "push back" is he senses how attached you are (and let's face it, you "are" attached) and it makes him uncomfortable.

It's either too soon or his attachment is not where yours is so he's introducing some distance to slow it down.

Men "can" sense when a woman is too attached, perhaps rjc and Gr8 can confirm, but from what I understand about men, they can smell that attachment vibe a mile away.

Somehow, someway, you need to change that energy @allofyou if you want things to get back on equal footing. 

Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[allofyou]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Another possibility for this "push back" is he senses how attached you are (and let's face it, you "are" attached) and it makes him uncomfortable.

It's either too soon or his attachment is not where yours is so he's introducing some distance to slow it down.

Men "can" sense when a woman is too attached, perhaps rjc and Gr8 can confirm, but from what I understand about men, they can smell that attachment vibe a mile away.

Somehow, someway, you need to change that energy @allofyou if you want things to get back on equal footing. 

I am definitely more attached than he is but that’s more my problem and it doesn’t say anything about my feelings towards him. As in I don’t feel crazy about him but I guess I’m really keen on having a partner? 
 

How do I get back on equal footing?

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, allofyou said:

Oops Sorry I meant to say he never multidates as in he dates one person at a time. I told him me either and that was that. 
 

But I don’t assume we are in a relationship. If he is indeed seeing others, I guess I can’t control that but if I find out, I will leave for sure. I think I will need another month before I’m 100% comfortable with title / defining the relationship 

I don't mean to sound crude, but you're spreading your legs for him, correct? 

And you're too afraid to discuss having a "relationship"?

I can't wrap my brain around this.

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, allofyou said:

I am definitely more attached than he is but that’s more my problem and it doesn’t say anything about my feelings towards him. As in I don’t feel crazy about him but I guess I’m really keen on having a partner? 
 

How do I get back on equal footing?

By changing your energy, your vibe.  

I don't advocate playing games, but maybe pull back yourself, don't always be so available.

It will make him wonder about you which increases attraction. 

Not as a game, but to protect yourself. 

[allofyou]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't mean to sound crude, but you're spreading your legs for him, correct? 

And you're too afraid to discuss having a "relationship"?

I can't wrap my brain around this.

Haha yes but I was raised by a family where my parents never express their feelings and they are really bad at communications so I’ve always been that way - very scared of communicAting 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, allofyou said:

Haha yes but I was raised by a family where my parents never express their feelings and they are really bad at communications so I’ve always been that way - very scared of communicAting 

But yet you said yourself that any change to "his" communication style scares you? 

Just a thought but perhaps if you weren't so scared of communicating, he'd be more open to communicating with you. 

Learn to be brave!  Learn to take risks! Just because you grew up with parents who never communicated, doesn't mean you have to be that way, does it? 

sweetie, if you're too afraid to take risks, in dating, in life, you may as well be living under a rock.

Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[allofyou]

59 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

As an introvert, I value personal space and time to be left to my devices and answer to no one. 

If I was spending nights with a woman 2x per week, that for me is quite sufficient in terms of communication and contact. The obligatory text banter in between is not only useless, but I find it laborious. It doesn't mean I don't like her. It just means that once the honeymoon newness of a romantic relationship settles into something more comfortable and routine, I don't feel as inclined or excited to keep up text conversations. 

I either don't text daily, and/or my texts are just simple "hey how are you" or something similar. Women I've dated in the past were hurt by this, especially the anxious ones, who needed daily, emotionally intimate communication with me. I'm just not wired to oblige. It has costed me relationships. Albeit, with women I would ultimately not be compatible with. 

I once spent a weekend getaway with a woman I was seeing. It was a mini-honeymoon, very close and passionate. I didn't initiate a text to her for the next two days. We communicated when she texted me, but I didn't initiate for two days. Although I was very in love with her, I was busily digesting the large dose of her company and I needed space. She was profoundly crushed and hurt by this, and even suggested that we stop seeing each other because she just couldn't cope with the "hot and cold."

So I think it would offer some insight to educate yourself on attachment styles, and learn yours and his. Attachment styles are truly the nuts and bolts of romantic relationships.

And what did you do afterwards? I’d feel hurt too, having someone to go cold on me for 2 days after an intimídate getaway. My guy is big on texting so I doubt it’s because he doesn’t like texting too much. 
 

I also would be ok with not texting daily if this has been communicated from his side 

Edited April 16, 2020 by allofyou

[simpycurious]

29 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

This is the perfect way to be. Just talk about it and figure it out. Stop all the mind games and what if's.  You are a Rock Star (Poppy) in more ways than one.

 

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But yet you said yourself that any change to "his" communication style scares you? 

Just a thought but perhaps if you weren't so scared of communicating, he'd be more open to communicating with you. 

Learn to be brave!  Learn to take risks! Just because you grew up with parents who never communicated, doesn't mean you have to be that way, does it? 

sweetie, if you're too afraid to take risks, in dating, in life, you may as well be living under a rock.

You HAVE TO BE BRAVE.  If you cannot communicate in an honest and open manner then what do you really have at the end of the day? FWB?

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, allofyou said:

And what did you do afterwards? I’d feel hurt too, having someone to go cold on me for 2 days after an intimídate getaway. My guy is big on texting so I doubt it’s because he doesn’t like texting too much. 

I've talked about this in other posts but my ex was very much like rjc149 in the early stages of our LTR.

I recall spending passionate, intimate long weekends with him, and same as rjc149, afterwards he sometimes wouldn't make contact for two days.

I was actually ok with it, why?  Because I had faith in our connection, and knew he needed some space to regroup himself, so left him alone and he always came back, more gung ho than ever.

Instead of my thought process being "is he ghosting me?  Will he ever contact me again, what did I do wrong"?

It became "why wouldn't he contact me again?  We had a fabulous time, our connection is strong so of course he's going to contact me again"! 

Seriously, that was my mindset!

My current boyfriend needs space sometimes too, so do I!!

So our attachments styles match, I think that's important. 

 

Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[rjc149]

35 minutes ago, allofyou said:

And what did you do afterwards? I’d feel hurt too, having someone to go cold on me for 2 days after an intimídate getaway. My guy is big on texting so I doubt it’s because he doesn’t like texting too much. 
 

I also would be ok with not texting daily if this has been communicated from his side 

I knew she wasn't truly ending things, she was trying to manipulate me. Anxious women will often employ these tactics to feel like they are loved and validated, and/or to gain some power in the relationship. I reacted coldly and said something along the lines of "okay, whatever, then go. I don't need you." She sent me an essay text the next day apologizing, and we reconciled. My reaction and coldness, however, planted the seed of resentment and although I agreed to be more communicative and affectionate, I slid back into my avoidant introvert ways and she moved on with someone else. 

Anxiously attached people require consistent, if not constant, reassurance and emotional support, and are hyper-vigilant to any perceived sign of distancing, rejection, and abandonment. A simple 1-2 day lapse in communication, or a minor disruption in communication routine, can trigger abandonment panic that they struggle to self-soothe. 

It's possible that he's losing interest, but keep in mind, everyone is big on texting when a romance is new and exciting. Even me.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

First of all, I hope you are requiring this man to use condoms, since this isn't a relationship and he could be sleeping with other women.

I heard something recently that stuck out to me, and I wish I had followed it when I was single. It would have saved me a lot of grief. It's this: do NOT have relationship problems with someone you aren't in a relationship with. Basically, you are too emotionally invested in this man, who hasn't even claimed you. If you have time to calculate when he last texted and how long it takes him to reply, you aren't focused enough on yourself, family/friends/pets and hobbies.

[rjc149]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I've talked about this in other posts but my ex was very much like rjc149 in the early stages of our LTR.

I recall spending passionate, intimate long weekends with him, and same as rjc149, afterwards he sometimes wouldn't make contact for two days.

I was actually ok with it, why?  Because I had faith in our connection, and knew he needed some space to regroup himself, so left him alone and he always came back, more gung ho than ever.

Instead of my thought process being "is he ghosting me?  Will he ever contact me again, what did I do wrong"?

It became "why wouldn't he contact me again?  We had a fabulous time, our connection is strong so of course he's going to contact me again"! 

Seriously, that was my mindset!

My current boyfriend needs space sometimes too, so do I!!

So our attachments styles match, I think that's important. 

 

You sound like you're fairly secure and confident in yourself. Anxiously-attached women are by nature highly insecure emotionally, and need support. They cannot self-soothe like this. They need it externally. 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

You sound like you're fairly secure and confident in yourself. Anxiously-attached women are by nature highly insecure emotionally, and need support. They cannot self-soothe like this. They need it externally. 

Well tbh I am not always so secure, I was with my ex and now my current boyfriend because we had/have such a strong connection, and I had/have faith in that connection. Makes all the difference imo.

I also understand push/pull and the various other nuances, men's need for space, I try to not take that personally.  Heck, I need my own space sometimes too!

That said, there have been times when I've dated a man and feel very insecure and "off" and when that happens, I typically don't hang around because when I feel that way, something usually IS off.

So maybe you're right, my attachment style is more secure although I can become quite anxious w/r/t other areas of my life. 

Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[allofyou]

53 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I've talked about this in other posts but my ex was very much like rjc149 in the early stages of our LTR.

I recall spending passionate, intimate long weekends with him, and same as rjc149, afterwards he sometimes wouldn't make contact for two days.

I was actually ok with it, why?  Because I had faith in our connection, and knew he needed some space to regroup himself, so left him alone and he always came back, more gung ho than ever.

Instead of my thought process being "is he ghosting me?  Will he ever contact me again, what did I do wrong"?

It became "why wouldn't he contact me again?  We had a fabulous time, our connection is strong so of course he's going to contact me again"! 

Seriously, that was my mindset!

My current boyfriend needs space sometimes too, so do I!!

So our attachments styles match, I think that's important. 

 

Part of me believes our connection is strong enough. It’s my own issues I need to work through ofc regardless of if he’s losing interests or not. I guess it’s always difficult for me to not feel very attached from the get go. And I’m still working on that. 

[rjc149]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 I was with my ex and now my current boyfriend because we had/have such a strong connection, and I had/have faith in that connection. Makes all the difference imo.

Guys like me view the connection as a bank account, where intimacy is deposited and accumulated, and can carry the relationship through stormy days. Most of my girlfriends and lovers saw it more like a sales manager sees a rep -- only as good as his last sale. 

For many anxious women, the connection is only as good as the last text he sent, and the time since. No matter how strong it is.

[allofyou]

22 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

I knew she wasn't truly ending things, she was trying to manipulate me. Anxious women will often employ these tactics to feel like they are loved and validated, and/or to gain some power in the relationship. I reacted coldly and said something along the lines of "okay, whatever, then go. I don't need you." She sent me an essay text the next day apologizing, and we reconciled. My reaction and coldness, however, planted the seed of resentment and although I agreed to be more communicative and affectionate, I slid back into my avoidant introvert ways and she moved on with someone else. 

Anxiously attached people require consistent, if not constant, reassurance and emotional support, and are hyper-vigilant to any perceived sign of distancing, rejection, and abandonment. A simple 1-2 day lapse in communication, or a minor disruption in communication routine, can trigger abandonment panic that they struggle to self-soothe. 

It's possible that he's losing interest, but keep in mind, everyone is big on texting when a romance is new and exciting. Even me.

That’s awful. I used to be like that but now I tend to just withdraw myself when I feel anxious but I try as hard as I could to remain calm so things would look like it’s normal. 
I do appreciate that people need space. I didn’t mind him not texting me for a couple of days as I needed that myself too. And I tend to take hours sometimes a day to reply myself as I don’t like to feel pressured to have to reply a message. Or I just don’t feel like talking. I guess it’s then weird for me to feel anxious when he’s doing the same. then my mind just happened to wander into the “is he just fading on me?” territory.