He is playing hot and cold now after 2 months? Slow fade?

[allofyou]

So since I posted my last post, he went a bit cold last week for about two days. Initially I thought maybe creating some space between us will make us grow closer together and since I wasn’t 100% sure of his interests as he’s not very vocal about it (but he shown his interests in many other ways). Then things were good again and we met up for the weekend and had a lot of fun. 
 

This week he’s gone cold again for two days. I didn’t text him as I wanted him to reach out to me and also give him some space to do his own things. I texted him today and he’s been taking his time to reply. Tbh my gut is telling me this is a slow fade. I never had someone who’s going hot and cold like this, after 2 months. We used to text everyday and now it just seems off. 2 months seem like a very short time for the honey moon to be over? We’re not official but we are not seeing other people. 
 

I’ve not had a relationship for a long time. It’s really throwing me off and I don’t know what to think. We haven’t made plans for this weekend yet. He normally makes plans with me with me initiating a couple of times. I’d totally ask him if he wants to go out but it doesn’t seem like the right time. 

Edited April 16, 2020 by allofyou

[d0nnivain]

Under the present circumstances it's hard to say.  You have only been dating for 2 months & half of that has been in a world wide pandemic shut down.  I wouldn't but huge stock in him -- no foundation -- but see if there is anything to resurrect when this is all over 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, allofyou said:

Tbh my gut is telling me this is a slow fade.

Listen to your gut and back off.  Who contacted first after you guys had space and met up for the weekend?  Did he contact you first?

[allofyou]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Under the present circumstances it's hard to say.  You have only been dating for 2 months & half of that has been in a world wide pandemic shut down.  I wouldn't but huge stock in him -- no foundation -- but see if there is anything to resurrect when this is all over 

Yes it’s really hard on me now I can’t even go outside and do things to take my mind off it. I don’t know if it’s because quarantine has made life so boring he just didn’t feel the need to talk all the time now when we are not seeing each other. Or if he’s just going cold on me. 

[allofyou]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Listen to your gut and back off.  Who contacted first after you guys had space and met up for the weekend?  Did he contact you first?

We have no contact for two days after the weekend together. Neither of us texted each other, which is unusual as we texted each other everyday before then. So I texted him today. He replied swiftly then went silent again and it’s been a few hours. He used to reply very quickly always. 

[stillafool]

No I meant before the weekend together, who contacted first?

[d0nnivain]

wait . . . did you meet with him during the quarantine?  If yes, then this is a slow fade.  If you violated all sorts of social distancing recommendations, got together & now you are not hearing from him, it's probably way more of a wham bam thank you for curing my boredom for a weekend thing.  Sorry.  

[allofyou]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No I meant before the weekend together, who contacted first?

So last week there was one day we weren’t speaking. The day after we spent the weekend before the last one together. So I messaged him on a Tuesday and we were talking as normal but at a lower intensity. He then contacted me the next day and we were talking a lot again and he initiated plans for last weekend. 

[allofyou]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

wait . . . did you meet with him during the quarantine?  If yes, then this is a slow fade.  If you violated all sorts of social distancing recommendations, got together & now you are not hearing from him, it's probably way more of a wham bam thank you for curing my boredom for a weekend thing.  Sorry.  

No it’s not like that. We sort of quarantined together. But in our separate homes since we both live alone and very nearby. We rotate between our homes and have been seeing each other 1-2 times every week for the last 2 months. 

Edited April 16, 2020 by allofyou

[poppyfields]

Not sure if it's a slow fade but it does appear he is intentionally slowing things down and putting some distance between you, the question is why? 

I don't remember your first thread, did your relationship start off fast, talking every day, spending lots of time together right off the bat?

If so, perhaps he got a bit spooked by that and prefers a slower but still steady pace?

I mean, the times you actually spend together are still awesome and special, right? 

I think it's important to remain flexible about these things and allow for all the changing nuances in these very early stages.

Would you feel comfortable the next time you get together asking him, talking with him about it?

Not to seek reassurance but for better understanding?  

It's been two months (I think), you're sexually intimate, I see nothing wrong with having that type of discussion rather than playing the guessing game wondering what's going on with him.

Again, not for reassurance, but to simply understand the situation better, where you you both stand and how to move forward together, assuming that is what you both want.

Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

Daily contact is not a requirement.  It's hard to go from that to less contact but just because we have the ability to be connected 24/7 doesn't mean we have the obligation to be in touch that much. 

Again with the world in upheaval don't take anything at face value.  See what happens when this is over.  

[allofyou]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not sure if it's a slow fade but it does appear he is intentionally slowing things down and putting some distance between you, the question is why? 

I don't remember your first thread, did your relationship start off fast, spending lots of time together right off the bat?

If so, perhaps he got a bit spooked by the fast pace and prefers a slower but still steady pace?

I mean, the times you spend together are still awesome and special, right? 

I think it's important to be flexible about these things and allow for all the changing nuances in these very early stages.

Would you feel comfortable the next time you get together asking him, talking with him about it?

Not to seek reassurance but for better understanding?  

It's been two months, you're sexually intimate, I see nothing wrong with having that type of discussion rather than playing the guessing game wondering what's going on with him.

Again, not for reassurance, but to simply understand the situation better, where you you both stand and how to move forward together, assuming that is what you both want.

I don’t think our relationship was fast but it could well be fast for him. I don’t know. Since we’re not official I found it difficult to talk about such thing. I don’t want to come off as needy or demanding. If he prefers slower space I’m more than happy to go with it but the uncertainty is a bit upsetting me. I guess I feel a lot of pressure too since I don’t date a lot. It’s been almost 2 years since I last dated someone for more than 1 month. 

[allofyou]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Daily contact is not a requirement.  It's hard to go from that to less contact but just because we have the ability to be connected 24/7 doesn't mean we have the obligation to be in touch that much. 

Again with the world in upheaval don't take anything at face value.  See what happens when this is over.  

Yeah changes in communication pattern is the worst for me. I’m someone who likes to communicate with my partner daily, even just a couple of texts each day. It’s hard when that changes all of a sudden and you’re left to wonder what’s going on. 
 

Sometimes I did think it might be best to keep some distance during this pandemic as I didn’t want to bore him with my chats too much. I don’t know whether he’s thinking the same or he is just fading on me. I’ve never had someone fade on me before after even just 3 dates. I can’t imagine how horrible thar would he. 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, allofyou said:

I don’t think our relationship was fast but it could well be fast for him. I don’t know. Since we’re not official I found it difficult to talk about such thing. I don’t want to come off as needy or demanding. If he prefers slower space I’m more than happy to go with it but the uncertainty is a bit upsetting me. I guess I feel a lot of pressure too since I don’t date a lot. It’s been almost 2 years since I last dated someone for more than 1 month. 

Needy or demanding?  Because you want to understand better?   Again, you're not asking for reassurance, there is a big difference between those two things.

It appears you're doing what many folks do when feeling confused and off balance -- walking on eggshells.

One thing I have learned over the years is when you allow your fears to drive your ship, your ship will sink, and you end up no where. 

Become brave.  Communicate. 

Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[allofyou]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Needy or demanding?  Because you want to understand better?   Again, you're not asking for reassurance, there is a big difference those two things.

It appears you're doing what many folks do when feeling confused and off balance -- walking on eggshells.

One thing I have learned over the years is when you allow your fears to drive your ship, the ship will sink, and you end up no where. 

Communicate. 

How would you suggest i communicate without appearing needy?

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, allofyou said:

How would you suggest i communicate without appearing needy?

Be direct.  Tell him you've noticed a change and would like to discuss it.  

Tell him what you want, and ask him what he wants, then wait for his response. 

Don't be afraid of coming off "needy," this is your heart, your life, you need to take care of YOU!

If he thinks you wanting to communicate and clarify things is "needy," so be, best to find out now.

Don't ever be afraid of losing a man, a man can smell that vibe a mile away, regardless whether you discuss it or not. And it's NOT a good vibe to send.

Best to be open, be honest, be REAL, it's the only way.

You should see me with my boyfriend.  I leave no stone unturned, something bothers me, we talk about it!!

 

Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You should see me with my boyfriend.  I leave no stone unturned, something bothers me, we talk about it!!

 

I should add, I was always this way, even before becoming "official."  

He loved how direct I was, how fearless, how real, in fact he admitted it was one of the reasons he wanted to have a relationship with me.

[allofyou]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I should add, I was always this way, even before becoming "official."  

He loved how direct I was, how fearless, how real, in fact he admitted it was one of the reasons he wanted to have a relationship with me.

Thank you Poppy. I’m really glad it worked so well with you and your bf

i will ask why he’d been so quiet the last few days if we still see each other this weekend. I just can’t stop imagining the worst case scenario which is he’s fading on me.  

[d0nnivain]

It's hard.  I'm an extrovert.  I'm "stuck" inside with my husband the introvert.  Since I can't easily supplement my need for people with others he's having to absorb more of my need for socialization then he wants.  

Whatever you do be mindful that this is an unusual time

[poppyfields]

I think your feelings, your fears, are all very normal human feelings. 

However, the vibe you want to present is that even IF he is fading, you "will" be okay and survive.

He's not the only man in the world, you do have other options.

Again, your vibe should be, as much as you like/love him, you are not afraid of losing him, you will survive. 

If you can succeed in presenting that vibe and sending that message, there is a very good chance HE may start to fear losing you! 

Which can be a major game changer in the dynamic of your relationship.

 

Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, allofyou said:

I just can’t stop imagining the worst case scenario which is he’s fading on me.  

If he does fade it's okay as there are plenty of other men out there.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

34 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I should add, I was always this way, even before becoming "official."  

He loved how direct I was, how fearless, how real, in fact he admitted it was one of the reasons he wanted to have a relationship with me.

Goodness. I wish more women, people were like you.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Anytime there is a dramatic change in communication, even now, there is something up. For pete's sake, people are texting, mostly at home, and bored. No real reason to change your communication habits unless you are distracted by something else more important. People are on online dating sites even more now to get past the boredom, etc. You meeting 2x a week (?) and having sex and he going back and ignoring you until the next meeting(s) indicates to me that he is communicating with someone else OR COULD BE. He needs some alone time to communicate with other ladies...or something else.

Since you have not had the talk, you are definitely not exclusive. No verbal agreement, nothing sealed.

As a matter of clarification...are you or have you two been staying at each other's 2x per week per place or just per week? So, sleeping together 2x per week or 4?

[allofyou]

15 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Anytime there is a dramatic change in communication, even now, there is something up. For pete's sake, people are texting, mostly at home, and bored. No real reason to change your communication habits unless you are distracted by something else more important. People are on online dating sites even more now to get past the boredom, etc. You meeting 2x a week (?) and having sex and he going back and ignoring you until the next meeting(s) indicates to me that he is communicating with someone else OR COULD BE. He needs some alone time to communicate with other ladies...or something else.

Since you have not had the talk, you are definitely not exclusive. No verbal agreement, nothing sealed.

As a matter of clarification...are you or have you two been staying at each other's 2x per week per place or just per week? So, sleeping together 2x per week or 4?

He said he never ever dates more than two people and I have no reason to call him a liar. A lot of posters have actually commented on the implied exclusivity thing in my last post so please feel free to agree or disagree with them

 

We’ve seeing seeing each other 2x a week, with the occasional spending the whole weekend together (Friday night to Sunday afternoon) so not sure if he just wants some space. 
 

I’d like to not think about if he’s still on dating apps, for my own sanity. 

[rjc149]

As an introvert, I value personal space and time to be left to my devices and answer to no one. 

If I was spending nights with a woman 2x per week, that for me is quite sufficient in terms of communication and contact. The obligatory text banter in between is not only useless, but I find it laborious. It doesn't mean I don't like her. It just means that once the honeymoon newness of a romantic relationship settles into something more comfortable and routine, I don't feel as inclined or excited to keep up text conversations. 

I either don't text daily, and/or my texts are just simple "hey how are you" or something similar. Women I've dated in the past were hurt by this, especially the anxious ones, who needed daily, emotionally intimate communication with me. I'm just not wired to oblige. It has costed me relationships. Albeit, with women I would ultimately not be compatible with. 

I once spent a weekend getaway with a woman I was seeing. It was a mini-honeymoon, very close and passionate. I didn't initiate a text to her for the next two days. We communicated when she texted me, but I didn't initiate for two days. Although I was very in love with her, I was busily digesting the large dose of her company and I needed space. She was profoundly crushed and hurt by this, and even suggested that we stop seeing each other because she just couldn't cope with the "hot and cold."

So I think it would offer some insight to educate yourself on attachment styles, and learn yours and his. Attachment styles are truly the nuts and bolts of romantic relationships.