Dating with little people in the background

[MassiveAtom]

Okay now before Merin whaps me for putting the little people in the background {{{{{Merin}}}}

 

And DDog, you know the sitch, so be patient with me!!!!!!

 

They ARE first, but I don't take them on my dates. A friend of mine DOES take his kids on dates! but I don't.

 

Here's a few questions:

 

When it comes to the chitlins, and dating....

 

How do you all do it? I mean intro the new love to the kiddos from before? Is it a HUGE deal? or is it a casual thing?

 

Do you talk WITH the new love to decide how best to do the intros, or do you just decide?

 

and if you don't WANT to talk with the new love about any of it at any legnth, what does that signify?

[HotCaliGirl]

How do you all do it? I mean intro the new love to the kiddos from before? Is it a HUGE deal? or is it a casual thing?

I'm on the other side of the fence - I don't have kids, but I have dated men who do. The first time, my gyno asked me out, he was separated from his wife who had turned into a lesbian (TMI), he had a young daughter - he introduced me to her the first time I went to his house - he had shared custody. He was oncall and would oftentimes go to the hospital (deliveries, etc) in the middle of the night, I'd end up watching his daughter and sometimes taking her to school in the morning, so after a while I felt more like a babysitter than a girlfriend and had to get out of the situation.

 

Another time, I was dating my professor while I was a student. He was divorced and had a teenage daughter (which was weird because I felt close to her age, like we were sisters). He had custody of her one night/week. Once I went over to his place, maybe just a couple of months after we were seeing each other, she was over, it was a casual introduction, then we all went to eat and every now and then I would see her, it was never a big deal and we all got along fine. No formalities/warnings...it was just natural and since she was an important person in his life, it was normal that he would want me to meet that person.

 

Funny you bring this topic up, becuase over the years we have kept in contact - we had gradually lost contact when I graduated, moved, etc. but we talk on the phone and email every now and then...well, ever since my big dramatic and traumatic break up earlier this year, i have had a hard time getting back into the dating thing, I had a bad experience a few weeks ago and have just have not been up to getting into it, but I am to see the ex-prof. tomorrow night, so that'll be interesting to see how things will be like with us after all these years...

 

But as far as the whole deal about people introducing their children to their loved ones, I think it is important that they do, otherwise it sends a message that they don't mean enough to share their children with them, since I'd think you wouldn't want to introduce your children to people who weren't that big of a deal to you. I think if the parent makes a huge deal when they do introduce, it will put too much unnecessary pressure on the child, they might imagine that the person they are meeting will be replacing their existing parent or feel threatened, especially if they are very young, so I think it should be very casual, and almost a requirement (sorry for the long post).

 

So I think that if you are dating someone and they don't introduce you to their children, that they are either ashamed of you and don't think you are good enough for their children to meet you, or that they don't expect you to be in their lives much longer, or ?? Maybe they're dating someone else the child has met and doesn't know about you and is cheating on you? Maybe they are giving the child the false illusion that they will get back together with the other parent? I don't know, I don't have children, just my guesses.

[NewLee40]

Well, I've been a single mom for 11 years and my boys are now 18 and 15. It was only in the last couple of years that I started dating again. My kids WERE first, and there was no time or energy for anyone else during those years.

 

When I started dating, I made it a personal rule that I would not introduce anyone to my children until the relationship was serious enough that we were exclusive and I felt the relationship had long term potential. My reasoning was simply that I knew I might have to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince and didn't think it was healthy for my kids to have a parade of men coming in and out of their lives.

 

I've dated a lot of men in that time, and my boys have only met two of them. I broke that rule with one of them, and he's the one I'm still trying to get over. Ironic, eh?

 

Anyway...I do talk about my kids to my dates because they are an important part of my life, just as I would talk about other important things such as my job, my goals, my friends or family. It goes without saying if they continue to date me, then they know that my kids are a part of the package.

 

I recently had an experience that kind of freaked me out though. A friend of mine introduced me to a guy from her work and we chatted online a bit over this past weekend. He's a newly single father of 3 and we exchanged pics, of our respective families, etc... and agreed to meet for dinner last Wednesday.

 

It was a casual situation (dutch treat and the friend who made the introduction went along as well) but he presented me with a heart shaped locket and inside were the family photos we'd exchanged over the weekend. My boys and I on one side, him and his boys on the other. A week ago, I didn't even know the guy existed and he wants to hang the Brady bunch around my neck? I dunno..that was a big red flag to me. What's worse is apparently his boys (twins aged 7 and one aged 9) stayed up that night helping him with it.

 

Otherwise, I've only dated a few guys with kids and only made it to the introduction stage once - and it was early on. I never introuced that guy to mine, though.

 

My experience is probably not typical though. But, I do recommend my rule. Don't involve the kids until the relationship is exclusive and there's long term potential.

[933KJL]

Man Cali girl--your boyfriends are breaking all the rules dating their patients and their students! YIKES.

 

I am a divorced dad of three and I have split custody of my wee peeps (Merin's term not mine) but they come first in my life (13,11,8) and whenever I am involved with a girl, I will get a sitter if needed but usually restrict my dating to the times when they are with their mom. I never have someone sleep over when they are here and I would not introduce them to a casual date--only when it is looking to be more serious. It seems that no matter how casual, they seem to have some sort of attraction and a break up is just more issues for them.

[MassiveAtom]

<snipples>

it was just natural and since she was an important person in his life, it was normal that he would want me to meet that person.

 

That's actually really nice that it was natural and there was no pressure.

But as far as the whole deal about people introducing their children to their loved ones, I think it is important that they do, otherwise it sends a message that they don't mean enough to share their children with them, since I'd think you wouldn't want to introduce your children to people who weren't that big of a deal to you.

 

I think that may be what I'm dealing with. but I saw it the other way. And maybe I'm just bassackaward - but I swear it felt easier for me to introduce the wee peeps to a casual date than it is to introduce them to a serious relationship. Maybe I'm thinking the stakes are higher now so it ratchets up the pressure.

I think if the parent makes a huge deal when they do introduce, it will put too much unnecessary pressure on the child, they might imagine that the person they are meeting will be replacing their existing parent or feel threatened, especially if they are very young, so I think it should be very casual, and almost a requirement (sorry for the long post).

 

Great point! I'll use that!

So I think that if you are dating someone and they don't introduce you to their children, that they are either ashamed of you and don't think you are good enough for their children to meet you, or that they don't expect you to be in their lives much longer, or ??

 

Or maybe they don't have issues with good people being in the lives of their children, and start feeling pressure when the sitch becomes more real, i.e., integration of a new love with kids.

[MassiveAtom]

Man Cali girl--your boyfriends are breaking all the rules dating their patients and their students! YIKES.

 

I am a divorced dad of three and I have split custody of my wee peeps (Merin's term not mine) but they come first in my life (13,11,8) and whenever I am involved with a girl, I will get a sitter if needed but usually restrict my dating to the times when they are with their mom. I never have someone sleep over when they are here and I would not introduce them to a casual date--only when it is looking to be more serious. It seems that no matter how casual, they seem to have some sort of attraction and a break up is just more issues for them.

 

That's my modus operandi.... But that last bit is new information for me- heck, it's ALL new info. That's a good point.

 

Man you gotta love this place!

[jaye]

I think its better to not date anyone with kids.

[933KJL]

I think its better to not date anyone with kids.

 

Easier said than done. Especially if you are in thr 35+ age bracket. Besides, IMO the sex with women that have kids and are divorced or otherwise separated from the father is ten times more amazing than sex with a woman who does not have kids. I am sure this is a topic for another thread though.

[blueriver]

When I was divorced I datd men without my 3 old daughter knowing. I didn't introduce her to anyone until I knew the guy (my husband now) was ready to make a serious committment. We would go out on nights she was with her father and he would stop over when she was in bed for the night. Although, when they did meet I was so scared because I had developed serious feelings for the guy and if it didn't work out with my daughter it would have been devestating. I can see the value of introducing the guy and the kids early on to see if there are any connections before you make one with the guy.

JAYE- What are you afraid of? "It's better to not date anyone with kids" I don't want this to sound mean, I just want to know your point of view.

[MassiveAtom]

Easier said than done. Especially if you are in thr 35+ age bracket. Besides, IMO the sex with women that have kids and are divorced or otherwise separated from the father is ten times more amazing than sex with a woman who does not have kids. I am sure this is a topic for another thread though.

 

I find exactly the opposite is true!

[MassiveAtom]

I think its better to not date anyone with kids.

 

but that doesn't offer any useful info. maybe start another thread with why you think it's better not to date people with kids.

[MassiveAtom]

<snippetydodah>

Although, when they did meet I was so scared because I had developed serious feelings for the guy and if it didn't work out with my daughter it would have been devestating.

 

Hmm, very interesting, I've noted some latent feelings in myself like that. seems a good direction to explore further.

 

Thanks! I can use that.

[jaye]

Okay i am going to start the f**** thread

[MassiveAtom]

Okay i am going to start the f**** thread

 

Whoa, it was just a suggestion. Let's not take it so personally.

[933KJL]

I think Jaye was talking about the older kidded woman sex versus the younger kidless woman sex

[Merin]

Okay now before Merin whaps me for putting the little people in the background {{{{{Merin}}}}

 

Love the Little People

 

When I first start dating someone while I DO tell them I have Little Peeps, I do NOT introduce them to the Guy in question unless or until we have decided we are in an exclusive relationship, We BOTH feel it's going somewhere and HE is comfortable with my status as Mom.

 

AND 933KGL, Feel free to use my term Wee Peeps anytime