cassiefromvegas Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 I appreciate anyone who can take the time to read this. We met over the summer. We had physical, sexual attraction, and many common interests. We've had issues from the beginning though. He is a bartender. He admitted early on that he adds women on social media just because he is "sexually attracted to them". This caused a lot of insecurity on my end. He wanted full access to my phone. The second or third time he went through mine, I said , "gee let's see yours!" and he unlocked his phone to reveal that he deletes most of his text messages. He lacked communication, where whenever I would bring something up calmly he would blow up on the phone, swear, hang up, say "we don't mix", then disappear for a few days and then come back like nothing happened. An example includes about 2-3 months in, we went camping for the weekend. On the drive home, I was texting him pictures from the trip. I noticed his phone wasn't going off and it was because it had been on Do Not Disturb mode the whole weekend. When he clicked to his message threads, he had a handful of unread messages from different people. I didn't say anything until a day or two after we got back into town. I brought it up like, "Hey I know that things are still kind of new and we have been having some issues already. I noticed you had your phone on DND mode while we were away, and I just wanted to say that if you feel like you are unsure about where this is heading and want to explore other options I understand but would just like for us to be open about it." He got extremely angry, said I was disgusting for saying that, blew up, cussed, and hung up. He would also make comments about "no wonder why you're still single." It caused me to reach out to a friend who I had briefly dated for a short time (nothing serious came of it) and I asked if I was really that horrible to date. I told him what was going on as far as the guy blowing up and hanging up. Fast forward a week or two, he goes into my phone and listens to my recorded phone call with my friend. He was very angry that I talked about the relationship with anyone and said it was talking "sh*t", even though I tried to be as factual as possible and I was hurt thinking that we were over because of how he blew up and disappeared. He didn't look at it from my perspective at all. I apologized repeatedly. He threatened to leave said we were done, but eventually agreed to work it out. He has been holding on to this for months. Another example, some girl added me on social media. I asked him who she was and he said, "I went out with her 2 years ago on 2 dates and haven't talked to her since. I don't know why she's adding you." I thought it was strange and asked if he had talked to her recently and didn't understand why she would add me if they hadn't talked in 2 years and only dated twice. He started getting mad, swearing, saying I ruined the day and I should have just said, "Okay love you too." and stopped dragging it on. He hung up, didn't talk to me for a few days after getting nasty. He hasn't had a long term relationship since he was 28 (he's 35 now). The last one was 4 years long and she was an alcoholic with multiple DUI's who took off for a few days and he found out later she did drugs and thinks that's what resulted in her miscarriage. But he wasn't sure if she had an abortion because her family didn't approve of him. He wanted me to cut contact with my friend I dated for 2 months, but I found out he had his ex fiance on Facebook, even though he said she had been "long gone". When I called him out on it he said "so what" and said I had jealousy issues. He said he deleted her, but I saw several days later she was still on there along with another ex he said he would delete. When I confronted him he said he did delete them, even though it was plain as day they were on the friend's list. He again, got nasty and started saying I had issues and if it wasn't for me talking to my friend this wouldn't be a problem. The last 6-7 years, he has only had relationships lasting a few months long. He has admitted that he has a tendency to "threaten to leave" or just leave and not put in the work. He has been doing the same thing throughout the relationship, which hasn't helped me feel secure at all. I feel like I have been tiptoeing around things that make me unhappy because I know he will just blow up. He also has only been dating strippers/cocktail servers/bartenders who were in relationships with other men while they pursued him. Then he said they all ended up cheating on him. One was even living with her husband and supposedly separating while him and her dated for a few months. There was also 2 separate ocassions where he took pictures of me during sex without my knowledge. I heard the camera go off. The first time I was uncomfortable and told him, but the second time he did it I went off on him. He was like, "you didn't get this mad the first time." Fast forward, the last few months he has been blocking me and unblocking me off Instagram, Facebook, and the phone. he would threaten to do this if I would "act out". He wanted to do couples therapy. From all the gaslighting he's been doing, I have been seeing a therapist. I fit the criteria for borderline personality disorder, but I am "high functioning". I have so much shame from it that I keep blaming myself for things going wrong in this relationship (me being too jealous or my mood swings). My therapist and friends have said that most of the ways I have calmly brought things up is not enough of a reason for him to get mad, and they think he has more issues than I do. He told the therapist "if she didn't say anything to piss me off then I wouldn't be verbally abusive to her. She should know what I want, I shouldn't have to tell her." The therapist said afterwards (to me) that he sounds like a narcissist and doesn't take responsibility for any of his actions and strongly encouraged me to not see him anymore. He has told me he is worried he is going to hit me and it would be my fault for making him mad. The last couple of weeks I have been sitting on things he hasn't been truthful about. For one, I confronted him about him lying about his dad. A friend of mine had Googled him and found the story about his father. I was told his dad was in jail because he "accidentally" killed someone when he was drinking and in a bar fight. The true story was that his dad attempted to rob an old man and beat him to death. I brought it up casually, "Hey you don't talk about your dad." and we got on the topic. I told him about my friend Googling him when we started dating. He got mad and said, "f*** your friend then. That was the story I was told as a kid, so I told it to you." He said he knew the true story as he got older and looked it up though. So I said, "I can understand that could be something really hard to talk about. I am sorry if you felt like you couldn't talk to me about it. I'm not judging you at all, I just want us to be fully honest and transparent always but can understand why you didn't feel comfortable telling me the true story." And he was like, "I'm never telling you anything about my past again. I didn't lie, I told you the story I was told as a kid." He also lied about receiving my messages on What's app. He had asked me to send him videos from a recent trip. It showed that his phone received it. It showed he had been online. When I asked a few days later, "Hey what did you think of the videos?" He replied, "I haven't been on there." We also hadn't had sex in about a week. He said it was because he was just not feeling well. He later told the therapist it was because we were arguing and he didn't feel like it. He has had me blocked on Facebook the last few months, but I still have checked on there (I'll admit) to see if he has been posting about us because he always gave me a hard time for not posting enough about us. I saw a girl that he has talked to in the past. She is from another country. He told me a few weeks ago, "I was scared to bring you to Zion because I didn't know if you would ask if I had been here with someone else." I looked at her page and saw some previous posts and she had posted a video of the Subway Trail in Zion they apparently did together. She also was friends with his best friend on facebook (figured maybe they dated and his buddy added him). I don't care if he has a past, but I do feel uncomfortable if he has random women from the bars here in Las Vegas that he met and had flings with on Facebook and is still talking to. I was so fed up I just called him to ask about it, and also mentioned the few other things he lied about in the last 2 weeks that is causing the mistrust. He got super worked up and said, "I need a week or so to myself, I don't want to talk to you. You jealous person, you! F*** you!!" He said he had met her in Zion, "What makes you think I met her at the bar?" Supposedly never had anything with her. He said, "I told you this story before." - which he didn't. He hung up on me. He told me if I tried to come over to talk to him he would call the cops he texted me a bunch of emojis with sirens and said, "I hope you're proud of yourself for doing this." I got so heated and fed up I told him a week was excessive. I also said, maybe he shouldn't have told me, someone he is trying to have a relationship with, he just adds random women from bars just because he is sexually attracted to them. I also was fed up with how he constantly puts me down and says that he has "8 years of dating experience" when all his relationships have sounded like train wrecks. He also says, "none of the other girls I dated were jealous or cared what I did on social media". So I added that in the text and said Maybe they didn't care what you were doing because all of them were either living with their husbands or boyfriends at the time. I also said for someone who doesn't want to be alone, he's really on that path as he can't communicate or take responsibility. I did make a nasty comment that said, "You may have experience sleeping with a lot of women but you don't have experience in keeping any." He got super angry and he sent me a screenshot of him deleting all of our pictures together from his icloud permanently. That's all he sent me last night, and I saw that he changed his status on Facebook to single. I am hurt. I feel bad for making the comments that I did. It was just under 9 months and he does that. I also keep blaming myself, thinking well maybe if I wasn't jealous or moody or maybe I overthought things. But I keep getting reminded that my last relationship (I'm 27, we dated for 4 years, it ended 2 years ago), he never spoke to me like that even if I did have BPD and was moody. We actually didn't fight anywhere near as much as this 9 month relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.
Calmandfocused Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Op I’ll be blunt: Get out! Stay out! Apply no contact immediately and make your exit. Today! Take this advice from someone who has been in your shoes on more than one occasion with more than one man! If you don’t attempt to save yourself right now I can guarantee you one thing: it will get worse! Much worse! It never gets better. What you’re experiencing is extreme manipulative, abusiveness control. It will carry on until he completely owns you and then the abuse will increase twofold. You’ll come to a point where you won’t know who you are anymore. protect yourself and your mental health. Stay away from him and change all your passwords etc so he never has any access to anything of yours ever again. couples counselling doesn’t work with someone like him. They see it as an opportunity to abuse. Concentrate on getting away from him instead. Remember, the only way forward with someone like him is to free yourself from them and never look back. 1
introverted1 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 No need to read past the first paragraph, which says it all. What would you say to a friend about her bf if she shared what you wrote there? 1
Ami1uwant Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 I just couldn’t finish it. It was confusing a bit with timelines and multiple,e guys. the simple fact us end it now. 1
kendahke Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, cassiefromvegas said: Any advice would be appreciated. Leave him alone. Put him on block right after you read this. Seriously. You not doing that is you damaging yourself, not him. You keep giving him access to hurt you and you need to ask yourself why you do that. I'm not understanding what you're getting out of this train wreck of an involvement (it's not a relationship, it's a convenience-ship: when he feels like dealing with you, you make it convenient) From what you've written, there's basically nothing else to commend him to us for us to tell you to work things through. doesn't matter how long you make your post or how many "I forgot to mention..." 's you add--there is nothing here. You're an option to him, not his whole world. It's time to act like you know this. Also: Quote It caused me to reach out to a friend who I had briefly dated for a short time (nothing serious came of it) and I asked if I was really that horrible to date. I told him what was going on as far as the guy blowing up and hanging up. and what did he say? Edited April 15, 2020 by kendahke
kendahke Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 1 hour ago, cassiefromvegas said: I also said, maybe he shouldn't have told me, someone he is trying to have a relationship with, he just adds random women from bars just because he is sexually attracted to them. No, he totally should have told you this---because if you weren't wanting a relationship with him so badly, you would have heard him telling you that you are an option among many of his other options--he knows you're an option and will act accordingly. You didn't want to hear it and what has fallen out in experience for you is the consequences of not listening to that warning he put out at the beginning and all of this could have been avoided.
Redhead14 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) Go back and read that wall of sh*t. If that doesn't say "block, delete, forget", I don't know what else you would need to make you walk away from that mess. This guy was pretty straight up with you and you either didn't understand or didn't want to hear it. If you want us to give you ideas about how to make this guy change a be the guy you need/want and who wants just you, I doubt very much anyone here would even attempt to do that. Move on. Plain and simple. Edited April 15, 2020 by Redhead14 2 1
smackie9 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 A) don't date a bartender, B) don't date a guy that collects attractive women on social media. C) don't date a guy that is only interested in short term relationships. You are not that special to him that he's gonna instantly change into BF material. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) ok you need to dump him. It's run it's course and has no future for you. That's the way you need to look at it. I say that not cause he wasn't awful but I think you will get caught up in the details, such as your post indicates and won't be able to see the bottom line, which is basically you are not suited for each other. Experiment over. I don't think it makes sense to make him out to be the bad guy (though he absolutely has major issues) unless you learn from it in terms of staking out how you will approach how you will pick your next guy and shore up your self esteem and interpersonal stuff. On a quick look, I didn't see where your BPD stuff was playing into what is going on with this guy other than perhaps choosing him altogether. It didn't look like a factor in the troubles going on so don't blame yourself. Consider that you got enough information about him to know he is not for you and your future. It might be hard but don't fall back on the comfort of going back and letting him in. In this case, I am fully for a no contact and block. I do think you should tell him that you don't plan to keep dating him (text is fine). Short and brief. Nothing long, nothing he can debate: just "this isn't working for me anymore" and that you don't want to hear from him so you can move on. Good luck Edited April 15, 2020 by Versacehottie
stillafool Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 3 hours ago, cassiefromvegas said: He got super worked up and said, "I need a week or so to myself, I don't want to talk to you. You jealous person, you! F*** you!!" He said he had met her in Zion, "What makes you think I met her at the bar?" Supposedly never had anything with her. He said, "I told you this story before." - which he didn't. He hung up on me. He told me if I tried to come over to talk to him he would call the cops he texted me a bunch of emojis with sirens and said, "I hope you're proud of yourself for doing this." He said this^ to you and you, 3 hours ago, cassiefromvegas said: I feel bad for making the comments that I did. feel bad about making this comment below: 3 hours ago, cassiefromvegas said: I did make a nasty comment that said, "You may have experience sleeping with a lot of women but you don't have experience in keeping any." If a man talked to me the way you let this guy speak to you he would be so far in my rear view mirror his head would spin. I hope you are putting him in yours.
Redhead14 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) This happens so often. A girl/woman latches onto a guy and rides him like a bucking bronco. The guy is doing everything he can to shake them off and demonstrating that he doesn't really want what they want and the girls keep holding on and hoping the guy will stop bucking and be "tamed" That's my Up and Down relationship analogy. Edited April 15, 2020 by Redhead14 1 1
poppyfields Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) @cassie, nevermind demonizing HIM, he's an ass and that will never change at least as it pertains to you. Dump him and then spend some time looking within to determine (1) why YOU are so drawn to such an ass, a man who treats you so deplorably and (2) why YOU would choose to stay in a relationship with such an ass who treats you so deplorably. This is about you, not him. Worth exploring don't you think? We teach people how to treat us. Edited April 15, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 There are times when I read posts and I immediately find the situation described so far out and me, incredulous. If this is a real situation and all common sense has been thrown out the window, my advice is....Get out and don't look back. This relationship should never have been initiated. 1
Miss Spider Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Wow yea that's extremely toxic and you should get out. So what is your question?
Author cassiefromvegas Posted April 15, 2020 Author Posted April 15, 2020 Thank you for your responses. I guess this is the first time I met someone whose lifestyle and hobbies are so similar to mine, and there was a lot of passion and attraction. I also fall into this cycle of blaming myself. Thinking, maybe if I wasn't moody or brought something up or was jealous or did this or that maybe we would have been fine. Was the reasons I mentioned enough to make anyone run or was I nitpicking? I always find a way to blame myself somehow for everything.
stillafool Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 6 hours ago, cassiefromvegas said: He got super worked up and said, "I need a week or so to myself, I don't want to talk to you. You jealous person, you! F*** you!!" He said he had met her in Zion, "What makes you think I met her at the bar?" Supposedly never had anything with her. He said, "I told you this story before." - which he didn't. He hung up on me. He told me if I tried to come over to talk to him he would call the cops he texted me a bunch of emojis with sirens and said, "I hope you're proud of yourself for doing this." Whatever you did he had no right to talk to you this way. If he is this abusive this early on it will get worse. No amount of hobbie compatibility or passion can make up for a total lack of respect for you and the abusive language. When you start caring more about yourself than the men you interact with you will see that men will treat you better. 1
Author cassiefromvegas Posted April 15, 2020 Author Posted April 15, 2020 7 hours ago, kendahke said: Leave him alone. Put him on block right after you read this. Seriously. You not doing that is you damaging yourself, not him. You keep giving him access to hurt you and you need to ask yourself why you do that. I'm not understanding what you're getting out of this train wreck of an involvement (it's not a relationship, it's a convenience-ship: when he feels like dealing with you, you make it convenient) From what you've written, there's basically nothing else to commend him to us for us to tell you to work things through. doesn't matter how long you make your post or how many "I forgot to mention..." 's you add--there is nothing here. You're an option to him, not his whole world. It's time to act like you know this. Also: and what did he say? My friend I spoke to? He was confused as to why I was asking that as he said I am one of the sweetest people he has ever met, and obviously we still remained friends afterwards cause a bridge wasn't burned. I told him what was going on and he said it was childish behavior to throw a tantrum and hang up, unable to communicate like that. Also, he was already displaying signs of abusive, controlling behaviors and said it doesn't usually stop at just checking the phones, it later turns into checking receipts, etc.
kendahke Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, cassiefromvegas said: and there was a lot of passion and attraction. you're mistaking dysfunction for passion and attraction. 32 minutes ago, cassiefromvegas said: Also, he was already displaying signs of abusive, controlling behaviors and said it doesn't nusually stop at just checking the phones, it later turns into checking receipts, etc. it also turns into physical violence because they stop getting the charge out of belittling and have to take it further to get a charge. Quote I also fall into this cycle of blaming myself. Thinking, maybe if I wasn't moody or brought something up or was jealous or did this or that maybe we would have been fine. Was the reasons I mentioned enough to make anyone run or was I nitpicking? Google "You are not Crazy - The Mend Project" Edited April 15, 2020 by kendahke 1
Author cassiefromvegas Posted April 16, 2020 Author Posted April 16, 2020 9 hours ago, Versacehottie said: ok you need to dump him. It's run it's course and has no future for you. That's the way you need to look at it. I say that not cause he wasn't awful but I think you will get caught up in the details, such as your post indicates and won't be able to see the bottom line, which is basically you are not suited for each other. Experiment over. I don't think it makes sense to make him out to be the bad guy (though he absolutely has major issues) unless you learn from it in terms of staking out how you will approach how you will pick your next guy and shore up your self esteem and interpersonal stuff. On a quick look, I didn't see where your BPD stuff was playing into what is going on with this guy other than perhaps choosing him altogether. It didn't look like a factor in the troubles going on so don't blame yourself. Consider that you got enough information about him to know he is not for you and your future. It might be hard but don't fall back on the comfort of going back and letting him in. In this case, I am fully for a no contact and block. I do think you should tell him that you don't plan to keep dating him (text is fine). Short and brief. Nothing long, nothing he can debate: just "this isn't working for me anymore" and that you don't want to hear from him so you can move on. Good luck I keep blaming myself too because of the comments he's made. I was very open about my BPD back in November and I have been in therapy and have seen improvement (therapist too). He told me he wanted to be with me regardless and was supportive briefly, for a few weeks. Then that changed. When he got mad (he later said he didn't mean it) he said that he has seen no improvement. He as put me down constantly about my BPD, "You need constant reassurance." "You're always jealous." "You're insecure." "You cause all these problems and you can't help it." "It's amazing to see how your mind works. I feel bad for you." Since he always threatened to leave or would block/delete, I never felt secure and it would set off my fear of abandonment. I feel like me being like that is responsible for his feelings of frustration and resentment towards me. He even made the comment, "I probably have trauma and developed BPD now from being in this relationship with you." His comments were really hurtful though, especially because he opened up and said 2 years ago he went through a "dark place" where he contemplated suicide. I told him it wasn't right to put me down like that as he went through a tough time and saw a therapist. His justification was, "Well I got through it alone." I guess I just needed to vent. This is fresh today. I feel really sad. I don't get how people can be so disrespectful and mean when they supposedly care. I had even offered to stay with him during his back surgery this late spring/summer as I would be on break between work contracts. I've seen him get emotional and cry about how much he loves me and say he wants "everything with me" one day and then follow it up with "I'm done" 3 minutes later, then say, "I'm coming over to see you" and hang up the phone to show up. It's been so up and down. And I keep thinking how much of this is my fault and how much of it is manipulation on his part. It's made it so hard for me to have peace to move on. Especially how much I cared.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 Anyone, anyone who uses your past or diagnoses against you, gas-lighting (we hear this a lot in relationships and politics today), is being abusive. You had hobbies and lifestyles in common. I don't understand...is part of your lifestyle non-monogamy? He made it clear to you that he was not into that. He made it pretty clear that he was a player. Let me ask you...how many relationships have you had in your life (how old are you?)? Do you find yourself involved in relationships with abusive, unavailable men?
Author cassiefromvegas Posted April 16, 2020 Author Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Anyone, anyone who uses your past or diagnoses against you, gas-lighting (we hear this a lot in relationships and politics today), is being abusive. You had hobbies and lifestyles in common. I don't understand...is part of your lifestyle non-monogamy? He made it clear to you that he was not into that. He made it pretty clear that he was a player. Let me ask you...how many relationships have you had in your life (how old are you?)? Do you find yourself involved in relationships with abusive, unavailable men? A player just based on the idea that he adds random attractive women on social media? I wasn't sure if that was typical of men and I was just being jealous. He wanted to make things public and exclusive very early on, even on Facebook. I'm 27. I had a 4 year relationship that ended 2 years ago. He never raised his voice at me, yelled, name called or did any of that. But we had no hobbies or similar interests and we basically were more like roommates. The last one I dated last year, for about a year was emotionally unavailable and abusive. It seems like these last two have been a pattern. Ive dated around in my early 20s but yes I guess I have a tendency to date the ones not satisfying my emotional needs completely. This one would just say it's just me because of my BPD and needing reassurance. He would get mad and blow up if I wanted to talk about how we were doing or I wanted to hear that he cares/complimented me/loved me etc. I guess I get caught up in thinking maybe it's my fault , and if I wasn't jealous , maybe I got in my head too much about something, or if I hadn't said anything about something maybe we wouldn't be where we are today. Edited April 16, 2020 by cassiefromvegas 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 1 hour ago, cassiefromvegas said: A player just based on the idea that he adds random attractive women on social media? I wasn't sure if that was typical of men and I was just being jealous. He wanted to make things public and exclusive very early on, even on Facebook. I'm 27. I had a 4 year relationship that ended 2 years ago. He never raised his voice at me, yelled, name called or did any of that. But we had no hobbies or similar interests and we basically were more like roommates. The last one I dated last year, for about a year was emotionally unavailable and abusive. It seems like these last two have been a pattern. Ive dated around in my early 20s but yes I guess I have a tendency to date the ones not satisfying my emotional needs completely. This one would just say it's just me because of my BPD and needing reassurance. He would get mad and blow up if I wanted to talk about how we were doing or I wanted to hear that he cares/complimented me/loved me etc. I guess I get caught up in thinking maybe it's my fault , and if I wasn't jealous , maybe I got in my head too much about something, or if I hadn't said anything about something maybe we wouldn't be where we are today. Get some counseling to help with your diagnosed BPD (I assume that you are getting regular counseling for this at least) and general emotional issues. See the same counselor for both? You are relatively young and you do not want to fall deeper into a pattern of abusive relationships. Try to develop skills to help you identify and avoid such personality types. I don't know about your 4 year relationship, but just because someone doesn't yell or hit doesn't mean that it wasn't abuse. You know that, right? People who are manipulative will always pass the buck on personal responsibility and use your weaknesses against you. Yes, some of the problems could be from your own behavior, of course, relationships are typically two-way streets, but you need to recognize when the other person is using your insecurities against you. Walk away from people like that. When someone begins that, believe me, they are HARDWIRED to be that way. They do not change and you cannot change them. I read the first paragraph of your original post and didn't have to read more to know that it was wholly effed-up. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 Hi listen I read what you continued to write on the thread. All I can say is while there is a need for some venting, if I were to be honest, it's what keeps you "stuck" with him, still try, still trying to find an explanation. Ultimately it won't serve you. Sometimes you have to accept that what seems like plausible explanations and reasons and hurt are just that and there is no reason to analyze it or go further or most importantly keep it in your brain. So I think the best thing for you to do is not keep ruminating on it but clear the slate and just stick with the bottom line: he's not for you, full stop. Then replace the time, energy and brain space you are giving him with other thoughts and activities immediately. Good luck. 1
kendahke Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 14 hours ago, cassiefromvegas said: I don't get how people can be so disrespectful and mean when they supposedly care. The thing is: he didn't care. Just because he's a good manipulator/actor doesn't mean that what's coming out of his mouth is the truth. Stop extending that much benevolence to him--he doesn't deserve your benefit of the doubt. He's abusive and he gets more of a charge out of keeping you off balance--and he doesn't want to change how he operates. If he did and if he genuinely cared about you, instead of caring about manipulating you, he'd have done it by now. As I said earlier, dysfunction isn't passion and it isn't caring.
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