poppyfields Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) Exactly, he should have simply told her he has a girlfriend, and shut it down. The end. Absolutely no reason to even tell you about it. Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields 2
ccas93 Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 Holy cow. With this avalanche of conflicting advice this poor girl is getting, her head is going to be spinning REALLY hard now. 1
MsJayne Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 He should have written on her note - "I have a girlfriend" and accompanied it by a smiley face. To give her his number is just wrong when he has a girlfriend, and you have every right to be peeved. You don't give people your number unless you want to hear from them. Here's my rule for this situation...if you have a friend of the opposite sex before you meet your new BF or GF, your new B/GF has to accept that friendship, (as long as they're also welcomed into the friendship too, none of this 'exclusive' crap), but you DO NOT go making new friends of the opposite sex when you have a partner. I don't even care if they meet through some hobby or mutual interest which would validate their friendship, (or if they work together and don't want to offend anyone because they're worried about spit in their lunch), because I really believe that in most cases like this, (not all, but most), there is an attraction on at least one side. She would never have put herself out there like that if she wasn't confident that he would respond positively - so what's he doing that made her think he's both available AND interested? I agree with Poppyfields wholeheartedly, this is actually an attention-seeking gesture on his part and he's looking for a jealous reaction. Be very careful of this, it's a big, huge, massive red flag. Nice guys don't flirt with other women and then tell you about it. They also don't encourage other women to hit on them so they can tell their girlfriend and start drama, (and then pretend that you started it). If you can't bring yourself to dump him over this, (I would, because I know this is just the start of his stupid head-games, but I'm an old-hand at dealing with manipulative d1ckheads), then at least confront him and call him out on the attention-seeking and the deliberate attempt to make you feel insecure. He'll deny it and tell you that you are insecure, because that's how guys like him operate. I hope you don't back down. As far as her assuming they'll be 'friends' when he's told her he's spoken for, women who think this way are a public nuisance and decent guys cut them short before they even bat the first eyelash. 2
Emilie Jolie Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) To add to the cacophony, I personally would not keep silent or let this fly. It's not about 'giving him the satisfaction' of showing insecurities or jealousy, or giving him the upper hand; it's about clearly asserting boundaries. I would absolutely not tolerate this kind of behaviour and would explicitly said so. It's rogue. Edited April 16, 2020 by Emilie Jolie
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 21 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: To add to the cacophony, I personally would not keep silent or let this fly. It's not about 'giving him the satisfaction' of showing insecurities or jealousy, or giving him the upper hand; it's about clearly asserting boundaries. I would absolutely not tolerate this kind of behaviour and would explicitly said so. It's rogue. Again...I cannot argue against this....the thing that really sticks in my craw is that he gave her his phone number....that is unsettling. There was intent here and it had nothing to do with being polite. Yeah...watch, but I really believe it may be better not over-reacting...yet.
Emilie Jolie Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) You may have a point but to me it's not over reacting; it's nipping it in the bud. He may be testing the waters and see how far he can get away with. There needs to be a clear signal that boundaries were crossed and it's not on. I don't think anyone should tolerate this sort of BS. Edited April 16, 2020 by Emilie Jolie 1
Miss Spider Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) The twisted motives people come up with here never cease to amaze me. xD He is manipulating her by making her feel insecure so he can control her. YIKES. Do many people use such pathological mind games in their relationships? I have no idea, but it's really scary to think about. I think the simplest explanation is often the most accurate. He likes the attention. Not a big deal... Edited April 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Emilie Jolie Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 I think some of us who do have experience in RLs can tell when something is about to go off. It looks to me like he was putting feelers out, not necessarily in a manipulative way. It's not bad to enjoy some attention (we all do I'm sure) but it's healthy to keep clean boundaries in a committed RL. It's just about setting a precedent, not blowing a gasket or getting paranoid at possible foul play. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: The twisted motives people come up with here never cease to amaze me. xD He is manipulating her by making her feel insecure so he can control her. YIKES. Do many people use such pathological mind games in their relationships? I have no idea, but it's really scary to think about. I think the simplest explanation is often the most accurate. He likes the attention. Not a big deal... Actually, if the simplest answer is the most accurate then the OP has even more to worry about. He likes the attention...that leads to more for people who give out phone numbers when you are dating someone else. For what purpose? Why do something unnecessary as giving someone you had/have interest in, your phone number and conveniently explain that you are seeing someone else AND you didn't really feel that it would have been a good idea to date someone at work.....and....and....now that I think about it....he is either clueless about his actions or .... I'm now moving more towards....or.... 1 1
Miss Spider Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) I feel you. I have never experienced those feelings in my relationships, so maybe I just don't have enough experience. So yeah, it could be about control. Just seeing it from his position, seems it would be normal for people to sort of be chummy in something like the service industry? I can see him not wanting to be curt or ignore a coworker's request to connect if he talks to and gets along with her. If she wants him to be blunt, she should have a conversation with him on she expects him to handle those situations or find a new bf who is. =D Edited April 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 6 hours ago, basil67 said: I've contemplated this thought and have serious doubts. You're telling me that a guy wouldn't get upset if another dude was after his girl and she'd been wishy washy in her rejection of him? The guy getting upset is not relevant to the picture. Women have the p*ssy, ergo, they have the power. As they can get sex anytime they want it... they don't need to render evvvvvvery person out there a romantic or sexual target. (whether men can figure that out or not, simply doesn't matter)
basil67 Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) SoG, if the guy getting upset if the genders were reversed wasn't the point of what you wrote, what exactly was the point? And why was it important to compare genders in the first place? Edited April 16, 2020 by basil67 1 1
poppyfields Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) For this to be happening at only 2-3 months in is a huge red flag OP. Her hitting on him and him telling you about it is bad enough, but he went much further. He told you he gave her his number AND he told you that he told her he thought about asking her out two months back! Who does this? Tells his girlfriend that ****? For what purpose? A very insecure man, and by playing that game with you, he has now succeeded in flipping the script, making "you" the insecure one so he can feel more secure and gain the upper hand. Yes there are men who do this, I've dated a few. I've had men play more mind f**ks on me than you can count and I'm hip to all of them. Agree with Ms. Jayne, he gave her his number for a reason and it's not good. I can foresee what will happen next; girl will call him while OP is there, furthering her jealousy and insecurity, he will insist they're "friends," turning their young 2-3 month relationship into a triangle relationship, wherein he's playing two girls against each other. To me, this was exactly his intention, I highly doubt he had good intentions here. I'm not saying he doesn't like you, I'm sure he does, but he's insecure and this is what *some* insecure men do to feel more secure themselves and gain upper hand. I've even read this tactic on some really poor PUA type sites -- to maintain upper hand and control, always keep your girlfriend a bit off balance, insecure and on edge. I'm not making this up, I promise! It's a very real thing. Advice? Talk to him, ask him why he felt the need to tell you all this, it was TMI, and not necessary. If he responds by saying he just wanted to be "honest," tell him "that" the type of honesty serves no good purpose unless her hitting on him placed you in some sort of danger and he wanted to protect you, which clearly was not the case. Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields 1
simpycurious Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) Why in the world would you WANT to maintain the upper hand control and keep your GF off balance??????? All the head games and the posturing is ridiculous just be NORMAL. This is corny and maybe somewhat trite in nature but the old saying still applies.........."treat someone as you would want them to treat you." Edited April 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OatsAndHall Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 1. Should he have given her his number and communicated with her? No, I don't think so; he sees her at work so he could have simply told her he was unavailable there. There really wasn't a need to give out his phone number but I also don't think there was ill-intent behind it. 2. Should he have tried to "soften the blow"? No, I also don't think so. But, he does work with her so it may have seemed necessary. There's a strange dynamic with work relationships and I could see why he said what he said. 3. Should he have been transparent? Yes, I believe so, given the fact that he gave her his phone number and was texting with her. These situations have a way of coming back around it would have been ugly if it had just popped up down the road. I don't know if this was his thought process or if he was just trying to be honest. So, all and all, yes, you have good reason to be upset with him. But, I would take some comfort in him sharing it with you. I would be much more concerned if SS of those texts popped up down the road.
CollinW Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 On 4/15/2020 at 7:15 PM, poppyfields said: As your boyfriend, he is not obligated to “report” to you about every girl who hits on him or shows an interest in him, it serves NO purpose whatsoever other than to cause your brain to spin and evoke jealousy and competition. Just as it's doing now. Some men like to be transparent for the possibility that somehow she finds out about this situation down the line, and then she's questioning why he didn't mention it. In reality people have different expectations about how to handle these types of situations, and he handled it the way he saw appropriate. He wasn't wrong just because some people disagree with it. Now it's her responsibility to set her expectations. 1
introverted1 Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 Some of the replies here have me shaking my head. So, to all who think he handled it fine -- would you think it was fine if the roles were reversed? Girl is at her job and co-worker leaves her a note asking how to get in touch with her outside of work so she gives him her number. Then, the next day, explains she has a bf but adds that she'd have liked to have dated the co-worker a couple of months earlier. And then continues to have text exchanges with the co-worker during her off hours. I dunno... I think I'd be hearing a lot of talk about poor boundaries and the need for attention, if not the outright desire to cheat.
OatsAndHall Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 At this point, the OP really only has one of two courses of action; call it off (which I don't recommend) or establish a hard-line boundary. "It upsets me that you're having contact with a co-worker you wanted to date and I want you to cut off contact. Call me jealous or controlling all you want but I am drawing a line here. You can stop talking to her outside of the work setting or we won't be dating anymore." He's established a situation where a boundary needs to be set. He needs to decide whether chatting with this other co-worker is more important than being in a relationship.
CollinW Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 5 hours ago, introverted1 said: Some of the replies here have me shaking my head. So, to all who think he handled it fine -- would you think it was fine if the roles were reversed? Girl is at her job and co-worker leaves her a note asking how to get in touch with her outside of work so she gives him her number. Then, the next day, explains she has a bf but adds that she'd have liked to have dated the co-worker a couple of months earlier. And then continues to have text exchanges with the co-worker during her off hours. I dunno... I think I'd be hearing a lot of talk about poor boundaries and the need for attention, if not the outright desire to cheat. There are different implications between men and woman for these situations based on our dynamics. Men typically do the chasing, so men look for any sign of present or past interest and run with it. Which is why women either fully outright rejects a man or provides clear interest, because she knows being nice and vague is essentially a green light. On the flip side women rarely will pursue regardless of how the man feels. Men are also known to be orbiters, who may not act on it but will stay around waiting for his opportunity. Mix that in with the reality that men (society) coddles women's fear of rejection and inability to handle it, you're much more likely to see men let them down in the most empowering way possible. Especially In a work setting, particularly the restaurant industry with bloggers waiting to jump on a metoo story regardless of accuracy. A man in the OPs case will try to ensure that he maintains a positive work relationship.
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