intdibc Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 So me and my boyfriend have been together since January 2020. He called me up yesterday after he left work (he is a keyworker) saying I've got the funniest story to tell you, long story short, the chef at his workplace left a note on his plate saying, what's the best way to reach you; Facebook, Insta or Whatsapp? He gave his number as he didn't want to appear rude, which I understand is awkward when you see someone day in and out at work. Anyway, so she texted him shortly after saying "How cheesy was that?" He replied saying, it was cheesy but he found it cute, he told her he's seeing me now so he is unavailable, but what annoyed me was the way he worded the rejection to her, he said to her he was actually going to ask her out a couple months ago but didn't because it would be awkward to date someone in the workplace, anyway he told me the only reason he said that was to soften the rejection, he doesn't want to any awkward tension at work (I get that), I think we've all been there, he also said she's the best chef at work, all the others are s*** (doesn't want her to spit in his food or something -_-) But I feel like he's given her some sort of false hope now, she's did reply back saying oh I wish you did, but I understand why you didn't. Then she said she know's they'll be friends if nothing else happens. He replied back saying good luck on the dating apps as she mentioned she was on them but found everyone to be creeps, anyway I think she's still messaging him and he said to me he's ignoring the messages now and told me like seriously you have nothing to worry about at all. (He sent the me screenshots of the chat last night). Anyway we facetime everyday for a couple of hours now (this is our routine no due to self isolating) but after he sent me those screenshots, they really riled me up, I don't know why I feel jealous, but i just do and I went all quiet last night, and he kept saying is everything alright, you don't seem like your normal self, what's wrong etc? I was still in the heat of the moment after seeing those messages, so said nothing's wrong cos i like that he's always honest and upfront to me about everything, we don't hide anything. But I just feel soooo annoyed at him still!! I went to sleep in such a bad mood last night, and I'm still in a foul mood now! I really don't want to speak to him today because I'm still in a mood. Can someone tell me if I should be feeling like this or not? Is he in the wrong?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Honestly, you have every right to feel at least a little insecure. Is he WRONG? He has been transparent thus far. I would be careful how you respond. Let him know how you feel, but then move on. At this point, you shutting down may and will likely do more harm and push him away. Hopefully you can build up enough self-confidence and try to ride this through w/o seeming too jealous. 1
FMW Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 I don't blame you for the way you feel, it's understandable. I would just keep an eye on the situation. As long as nothing else happens, try to let it go. 1
Fletch Lives Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 I can understand you feeling jealous. He should have kept his mouth shut. 1
lurker74 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 You are entitled to your emotions and feelings, always. But that is not the same thing as saying that you should allow them to rule you. Your BF has been transparent (apparently) and declined the advances of someone with whom he must still work. Yes, it is perfectly appropriate to feel insecure, especially when you don't get to see him and she does. But you may also want to be thankful that you have a BF that so quickly shut that advance down. And the funny thing about being thankful for something...even if you FORCE yourself to be thankful for something, it usually ends up making you actually feel thankful. So yes, it is fine to feel the way you do. But it may NOT be fine to let those feelings ruin what is otherwise a promising start to a relationship. 3
elaine567 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 1 hour ago, intdibc said: So me and my boyfriend have been together since January 2020. 1 hour ago, intdibc said: but what annoyed me was the way he worded the rejection to her, he said to her he was actually going to ask her out a couple months ago As it is now April, a couple of months ago is February???? 1
kendahke Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, intdibc said: Can someone tell me if I should be feeling like this or not? Is he in the wrong? you feel what you feel--it's the actions that you put behind the feelings which are right/wrong. No, he's not in the wrong--do you need him to be in order to feel good? You don't trust him. That's the bottom line. If you did, how he handled the situation would have been fine and you wouldn't be ruminating on it this morning. Your relationship is 3 months old right now---and you're right at the point in new relationships where the "on their best behavior" representatives are dismissed and the "real you/real him" come to the fore. The real him handled this coworker the best way he saw fit--and the real you doesn't trust his judgement in matters like this. You wanted him to come down hard on her like a ton of bricks when she'd done nothing to deserve it. She asked him a question and he answered it in a way that affirms your relationship. It doesn't require him going beast mode on her to satisfy you. If what he did doesn't satisfy you, then you're with the wrong guy and now is when that fact is going to start making itself increasingly clear. Edited April 15, 2020 by kendahke 2 1
smackie9 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 He shouldn't be telling you things like this because they are hurtful to you and making you think all kinds of negative things. I don't tell my husband all the times I was hit on...gosh he would feel threatened, and upset so why would I want to put him through that??? It's done it's over. Him and her stop thinking about it ages ago because it's not important. People move on with their life and what they think about.....but you on the other hand are the only one obsessing over it. You worry for nothing, and he shouldn't be telling you about being hit on...it is so unnecessary. 2 1
introverted1 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Meh, I have a slightly different take. I don't think he needed to give her his number at all. After all, he sees her at work every day. And then the "story" about how he was going to ask her out previously does nothing but confirm his attraction, even if he's said he can't act on it now. Best case, he's handled it poorly imo. Worst case, he has more access to her than to you. 1
Miss Spider Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Yes you are wrong. She's his coworker so he's trying to be polite. He told her he has a gf and is not interested and told you about what happened. What more do you want from him? 4
elaine567 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Maybe he is just an idiot, but he didn't need to tell you anything about this and it is a kind of a brag. She and he are working together and you are in lock down, so it was bound to upset you. He should have said nothing. Also when anyone is really enamoured with another person they can feel the need to speak about them and sometimes the person they choose to speak about them to, is their SO... Be careful
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 He should NOT have given her his phone number. They see each other regularly at work, so why does she need access to him at home? He could have given her an e-mail address, if he felt it was vital for her to be able to reach him after hours. This woman is trouble. At best, she's an attention whore who likes drama. At worst, she's trying to work her way into his life because she's still interested in him. All that being said, how you handle this situation will determine whether your relationship has a good chance to survive. If you become angry and controlling towards him, you will push him away. He knows how you feel, so drop it. This is the time to show confidence and all the quality traits you showed him in the beginning. You want to draw him towards you. At the end of the day, you cannot force another person to do or not do anything. Observe his behavior and how he handles the situation, and that will show you his character.
Ami1uwant Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Your mad at him because another woman aske him out and he told you....W T... 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 9 hours ago, intdibc said: So me and my boyfriend have been together since January 2020. He called me up yesterday after he left work (he is a keyworker) saying I've got the funniest story to tell you, long story short, the chef at his workplace left a note on his plate saying, what's the best way to reach you; Facebook, Insta or Whatsapp? He gave his number as he didn't want to appear rude, which I understand is awkward when you see someone day in and out at work. Anyway, so she texted him shortly after saying "How cheesy was that?" He replied saying, it was cheesy but he found it cute, he told her he's seeing me now so he is unavailable, but what annoyed me was the way he worded the rejection to her, he said to her he was actually going to ask her out a couple months ago but didn't because it would be awkward to date someone in the workplace, anyway he told me the only reason he said that was to soften the rejection, he doesn't want to any awkward tension at work (I get that), I think we've all been there, he also said she's the best chef at work, all the others are s*** (doesn't want her to spit in his food or something -_-) But I feel like he's given her some sort of false hope now, she's did reply back saying oh I wish you did, but I understand why you didn't. Then she said she know's they'll be friends if nothing else happens. He replied back saying good luck on the dating apps as she mentioned she was on them but found everyone to be creeps, anyway I think she's still messaging him and he said to me he's ignoring the messages now and told me like seriously you have nothing to worry about at all. (He sent the me screenshots of the chat last night). Anyway we facetime everyday for a couple of hours now (this is our routine no due to self isolating) but after he sent me those screenshots, they really riled me up, I don't know why I feel jealous, but i just do and I went all quiet last night, and he kept saying is everything alright, you don't seem like your normal self, what's wrong etc? I was still in the heat of the moment after seeing those messages, so said nothing's wrong cos i like that he's always honest and upfront to me about everything, we don't hide anything. But I just feel soooo annoyed at him still!! I went to sleep in such a bad mood last night, and I'm still in a foul mood now! I really don't want to speak to him today because I'm still in a mood. Can someone tell me if I should be feeling like this or not? Is he in the wrong? This is a good one. Were the gender roles reversed in all cases... then it would be nothing. Also, the fact that they work together is the part that blurs the concern. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand SOME of this is your just presently having what is truly too much time on your hands. Generally, men have zero interest in being mere 'friends' with women they wouldn't rather be banging (BUT there are exceptions for coworkers, neighbors, and family connections) It's too early to really gauge exactly how this will play out... and it is near to murderous to endorse that you monitor it for the time being. Since he's your guy... you are best to trust and believe him in the present while of the mind to monitor the situation. (stop watching the clock all day) (just wanted to put that here, ahead of time, for near future days when you are pacing back and forth there at home)
Calmandfocused Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 Op I get it. Irrespective of all the rationales, excuses etc, I believe the way he handled this was disrespectful to the relationship that he has with you. I agree he didn’t need to give her his number ... more importantly what he said to her was completely inappropriate. Yes he made it clear to her that he’s with you but he didn’t need to throw in the little chestnut about him having wanted to ask her out. That’s sending a clear message that he’s attracted to her. Furthermore, this flirty interaction could potentially lead to something more. So yes, my view is that you have a right to be mad. Your anger is telling you that the way he handled the situation wasn’t right. And I agree, it wasn’t.
SumGuy Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 8 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: I can understand you feeling jealous. He should have kept his mouth shut. Maybe, but if she had found out later it would be worse, like he was hiding something. Lesser of two evils? 1
basil67 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 19 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: Were the gender roles reversed in all cases... then it would be nothing. I've contemplated this thought and have serious doubts. You're telling me that a guy wouldn't get upset if another dude was after his girl and she'd been wishy washy in her rejection of him? 4 1
Emilie Jolie Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, intdibc said: he said to her he was actually going to ask her out a couple months ago but didn't because it would be awkward to date someone in the workplace, He's not handled it well either with you or with her. Coworker or not, it's perfectly acceptable to 'reject' someone without having to soften the blow; I call BS on that.The above is entirely unnecessary. It's TMI to you, and a little on the flirty side to her. You're right, he didn't enforce the I'm taken boundary strongly enough. That would be an medium level flag for me; not because of insecurities or jealousy or whatever, but in terms of him having super soft boundaries. Edited April 15, 2020 by Emilie Jolie 1 1
Miss Spider Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said: He's not handled it well either with you or with her. Coworker or not, it's perfectly acceptable to 'reject' someone without having to soften the blow; I call BS on that.The above is entirely unnecessary. It's TMI to you, and a little on the flirty side to her. You're right, he didn't enforce the I'm taken boundary strongly enough. That would be an medium level flag for me; not because of insecurities or jealousy or whatever, but in terms of him having super soft boundaries. I agree w you that the just telling her he had a gf was enough to soften a blow and the rest was flirty/enjoying giving and getting attention Edited April 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
poppyfields Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) Yeah I agree with some others, what on earth would compel him to share this with you? Transparency? I'm calling BS on that. As your boyfriend, he is not obligated to “report” to you about every girl who hits on him or shows an interest in him, it serves NO purpose whatsoever other than to cause your brain to spin and evoke jealousy and competition. Just as it's doing now. I’m with smackie, I would sound ridiculous if I shared with my bf every man who showed interest in me or asked for my number. My boyfriend would also be asking me – why are you telling me this? Your boyfriend should not have given her his number either; I don’t know what your boyfriend is up to but I would not be feeling comfortable with it. And it has nothing to do with jealousy, more about what was his purpose for telling me, is he trying to evoke jealousy, cause insecurity, throw me off balance? That’s what I would be wondering. Because there are men out there who do this sort of thing, for that very reason. To evoke jealousy and insecurity within their girlfriends so they feel they have the upper hand. Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields 3
Mystery4u Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 Yes you have every right to be mad. There was no reason whatsoever to give her his number. A note back to her saying 'Sorry I have a girlfriend' or similar is what should have happened if he had any boundaries and respect for you. Telling you he wanted to ask her out previously is even more cringe, he's not thinking about your feelings one bit. 1
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 7 minutes ago, poppyfields said: there are men out there who do this sort of thing, for that very reason. To evoke jealousy and insecurity within their girlfriends so they feel they have the upper hand. Yes. 1
poppyfields Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 (edited) To the OP, my advice is to not give it a second thought. Seriously. I've dated a few guys who have done same, I know exactly why they do it (see my last post), and my response to it is "oh that's nice" and change the subject. In one ear and out the other. He's looking for a reaction, DON'T give him one! Edited April 16, 2020 by poppyfields
introverted1 Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 3 hours ago, basil67 said: I've contemplated this thought and have serious doubts. You're telling me that a guy wouldn't get upset if another dude was after his girl and she'd been wishy washy in her rejection of him? Not just wishy washy, but offered her phone number and told the other dude that she wanted to go out with him 2 months ago. Yeah, I can hear the applause. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 16, 2020 Posted April 16, 2020 56 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Yeah I agree with some others, what on earth would compel him to share this with you? Transparency? I'm calling BS on that. As your boyfriend, he is not obligated to “report” to you about every girl who hits on him or shows an interest in him, it serves NO purpose whatsoever other than to cause your brain to spin and evoke jealousy and competition. Just as it's doing now. I’m with smackie, I would sound ridiculous if I shared with my bf every man who showed interest in me or asked for my number. My boyfriend would also be asking me – why are you telling me this? Your boyfriend should not have given her his number either; I don’t know what your boyfriend is up to but I would not be feeling comfortable with it. And it has nothing to do with jealousy, more about what was his purpose for telling me, is he trying to evoke jealousy, cause insecurity, throw me off balance? That’s what I would be wondering. Because there are men out there who do this sort of thing, for that very reason. To evoke jealousy and insecurity within their girlfriends so they feel they have the upper hand. Yup. Cannot argue against this to the extent that there are definitely people who use this tactic to manipulate. I do admit that as I wrote my initial post, I had this uncomfortable feeling about what your bf did and what his motives were to even reveal what happened. I was looking that empirical information you provided and didn't want to dive too deeply into the netherworld of other possibilities. :\ My original post was, and I clearly failed, to keep your from over-reacting and not giving him the satisfaction of seeing just how riled-up you were about it. I suspected that he was likely seeking some kind of insecure response so that he could swoop in and pretend to be the re-assuring, devoted bf to further stack the impression that nothing could possibly be going wrong here. Let it play out. Don't give him more.
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