kiterider12 Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Hey all, I’m 32 M and need some dating advice. I became single a few months ago, and right when Covid19 hit I was ready to mingle! Great timing. Friend of mine introduced me to a friend of his. She and I began chatting via text and then “social distance dates”. In the first ten days we FaceTimed for 5 hours (all before meeting in person). After about 2.5 weeks we talked and decided to actually meet up and practice social distancing. I set up an interactive date at my place with a virtual wine tasting event and suggested dinner. She came over and we had a great time, we made the dinner together, we talked, laughed flirted. I’m not huge on picking up on subtle flirting but I could defiantly see she was. She was talking, playing with her hair, made it a point to get closer to me, touched my arm a few times. After dinner we sat back and talked and she said she had to leave within 30 mins....she ended up staying another 1.5 hours. On her way out she gave me a hug and suggested we bring our dogs to the do park sometime. When she got home I texted her and let her know I had a great time. This was the best first date I have been on. I gave it a few days and reached out to her again suggesting we meet up and let our dogs play......she kindly responded with a, “hey bad news....I discovered I’m not emotionally ready to date yet”, i was dumbfounded based on our first date! I responded respectfully and kept it all open ended. We are 10 days later And she still snapchats me everyday, which means she is purposely sending me messages, some of which I know are only to me. I have laid low, If I don’t give it another shot I will always wonder. The advice I am seeking is what do I do? Should I text her? Should I try to set up another date? How much time should I let pass?
Legatus Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Had I read it few weeks/months ago, I would have said "Go for it, nothing to lose!" but I've been told few times already by my therapist: "When somebody tells you they're emotionally not ready / unavailable / unstable, you should listen. They're the experts on themselves even if they don't fully know the reasons why". Of course nothing in life is a rule that applies to 100% of cases. I know that my curiosity, in your position, would drive me to try to find out why. Did she discover it because of the date and, despite it having gone well, she realised that it was too soon? The problem is that if she didn't disclose that information at the beginning, she might say anything now.. If I were you I would try to meet her but maybe more casually rather than "it's a date!" kind-of thing. If she agrees there's a chance she will tell you her reasons by herself, and if not, at least you'll spend some quality time, at the end of which you can reiterate that you understand her decision and that she should feel free to message you if she feels ready. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 She's texting you because she's stuck at home & bored. if not for the virus quarantine you would probably not have heard from her again. Do not get your hopes up. BTW the idea that you had somebody in your home during this is nuts to me. That is not social distancing at all. Be smarter. 8
SumGuy Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Texting her and keeping in contact is normally pretty easy and a low investment in time and emotion. So why not? Wouldn't suggest trying to set up another date in these times. As others have said, don't get you hopes up and wouldn't let it stop you from reaching out to other women. 1
Miss Spider Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 (edited) She's not interested. That's essentially "it's me, not you". & yes she's texting because she's bored. Sorry Edited April 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough 5 1
Mystery4u Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 What you do is not contact her at all. She knows how you feel about her. She has your number. If she decides she is now 'ready' to date she knows how to contact you. You carry on your life without her and meet other women. 3
simpycurious Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Sounds like she was telling you to beat it (albeit in a nice way...putting it on her and her problems). I would move along. I just don't get the whole INVESTING yourself in someone that is not into it. I have come to the conclusion that some people (not saying you OP) just need someone along for the ride (with them) at all times. 2
Erik30 Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 3 hours ago, kiterider12 said: hey bad news....I discovered I’m not emotionally ready to date yet”, I agree with everyone else here, she's bored. You're basically just her friend now... expect her to disappear once she finds a new guy. (And you shouldn't be meeting up with people at this time anyway)
Author kiterider12 Posted April 14, 2020 Author Posted April 14, 2020 Thanks all for the input, and at this point I don’t disagree. Guess I’m not sure why the date went so well, and guess I’ll never know. I am still talking to other women, she just strikes my interest a bit more. i was hoping someone say wait till this is over and call her up
ChatroomHero Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 3 hours ago, kiterider12 said: Thanks all for the input, and at this point I don’t disagree. Guess I’m not sure why the date went so well, and guess I’ll never know. I am still talking to other women, she just strikes my interest a bit more. i was hoping someone say wait till this is over and call her up You were hoping for bad advice? I couldn't imagine having someone interested in me and not being interested in her and telling her, "It's not going to work" and then keep contacting her and like we would both be just friends. That;s actually a pretty mean thing to do. The end result is at one point she will be bored and want you to buy her dinner, take her somewhere, she'll flirt a bit and if you try anything she will shoot you down and act like she can't believe you expected to escalate anything because she already told you she wasn't ready to date. She will keep in contact with you until she is ready to date...another guy. Then she will disappear for a while and if that doesn't work you'll get a "hey babe! How are you message" out of the blue when she has nothing better to do. The, I'm not emotionally ready to date is no different than her saying she's too busy to date. For me personally, it is torture when someone pans you and then initiates any sort of contact. If you hang out in the same group of friends it's one thing to be friendly but for her to say, "Nah" and then keep contacting you is a total d*ck move on her part. If she messages you or snapchats you, I would not put much into it. I might reply occasionally if I have something meaningful to reply but probably ignore most of them. At some point she will stop (most likely) or else ask if everything is ok because you are not responding. I'd be honest and say I was looking for someone to date and not a pen pal and tell her if she is ready to date in the future hit you up otherwise, good luck. I think you already know/feel she will never hit you up in the future so what is the point to wait and call her up? She pushed you off, you proactively calling later her hoping she changes her mind at some point is kind of false hope. If she did change her mind that she wanted to date you, she would have no problem calling you or reaching out to you directly or through your friend. I'd let it go and plot a course outside of her orbit.
Miss Spider Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Yeah, you're at Loveshack.org, my friend. Serving nothing but the truth since '97. You should ignore her texts/snaps and focus on other chicks 2
preraph Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 Sounds like she might just be a serial flirt. I've known women like that. They just like to flirt. Had a roommate that way. She liked a lot of attention and flirted with every guy and stood up a lot of them. You'd think she was real into one and then next day, she would be like, Eh. Just liked exercising her charms. 1 1 1
Juha Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 She is being disrespectful, she told you she was not interested, ready/wanting to date. You tell her I am looking to date have romantic dates, not looking for friends only. Then you treat her like she is a ghost. Do not bother responding or interacting with her Look for some one who is interested, ready to date for real... 2 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 14, 2020 Posted April 14, 2020 You shouldn't have responded to her "not emotionally ready" message. That would have forced her to marry her decision and get a jolt of shock that you weren't chasing. By allowing yourself to be on the back burner, she knows she can entertain other men while keeping you as an option in case nothing else pans out. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) yeah...next time if/when a girl says that just say..... "ok" ONE TIME and I do mean one time that I broke it off with someone (and I have ended it with quite a few guys who I was just talking to or only had one date with ), the guy just accepted it and said "alright. I understand" It threw me...it was so incredibly rare, so alpha that I'll admit it actually had me questioning my decision for quite a few days after that lol the rest are always like "but whyyyyyyy" or they keep reaching out/ trying to stay in contact Edited April 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough 3 1
SumGuy Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 19 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: You shouldn't have responded to her "not emotionally ready" message. That would have forced her to marry her decision and get a jolt of shock that you weren't chasing. By allowing yourself to be on the back burner, she knows she can entertain other men while keeping you as an option in case nothing else pans out. Interesting, if he keeps in touch I see it as him keeping the possibility open in case she changes her mind, there was something there at least that was fun for both of them. So she is not ready now, so she may never be. So what, as long as he doesn't build his life around waiting or chasing. I'm not saying work at this, but if keeping in touch is natural and fun, why not. In the meantime he goes on and entertains other women. That is she is on his back burner, no need to pursue...in fact wouldn't, the ball is in her court. She may even be a source of future advice and insight on women. 1
SumGuy Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: ONE TIME and I do mean one time that I broke it off with someone (and I have ended it with quite a few guys who I was just talking to or had a coffee date with ) a guy just accepted it and said "ok I understand" It threw me...it was so incredibly rare, so alpha that I'll admit it actually had me questioning my decision for quite a few days after that lol Wow it really is rare? What else do you say? I can see if you have been together for months and months and all of a sudden it is over, but in that case it should also not be a surprise, and not the first conversation. But heck, 1, 2, 3 even 6 dates and it gets broken off...it happens, no big deal. For me, if has just been talking or coffee dates there really nothing to break off, it's more an articulation that one is not feeling a connection and wishing the other luck as move on to search anew. 1
Miss Spider Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 (edited) 22 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Wow it really is rare? What else do you say? I can see if you have been together for months and months and all of a sudden it is over, but in that case it should also not be a surprise, and not the first conversation. But heck, 1, 2, 3 even 6 dates and it gets broken off...it happens, no big deal. For me, if has just been talking or coffee dates there really nothing to break off, it's more an articulation that one is not feeling a connection and wishing the other luck as move on to search anew. It sure is. I'm sure other women can corroborate my experience. Guys just need to know why or how they can get back in lol . I think it's mainly a 'what did I do wrong because things seemed to be going so well and if I know what I did I can fix it' thing. But we all know sometimes it's nothing you did. You're cool enough guy, we just are just not feeling it completely. Whether or not they pry for an explanation, they will always say "let me know if you change your mind". Always. (You did this, didn't you, opie?)Then you know you have them as backup, but that doesn't make them more appealing? Then comes the texts every now and then like "hey. how've you been?" Girls, you know exactly what I'm talking about... With this particular guy, he had asked me on a second date and I said "I think you are a cool guy, but I don't think I want to date right now." His exact response was "Alright. I understand. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it." Then silence. It was so boss for him to take it in stride like that and it sent me the message that this guy has other options and not going to sit around waiting for me...It made me want to text him again for the longest time. Never did though. About a year later, he texts me in the middle of the night and made it clear that he was not trying to hit on me, he had a girl, he just wanted closure, asked me what happened back then. I can respect that. Men like you are definitely an exception Edited April 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Ellener Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 8 hours ago, kiterider12 said: i was hoping someone say wait till this is over and call her up does it really matter what we say? You gonna do what you gonna do! If you did call her what would you say though? 'I'd like another shot but please don't mess me about this time?' What are these texts and snapchats like- romantic or friends communications? 1
Juha Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: yeah...next time if/when a girl says that just say..... "ok" ONE TIME and I do mean one time that I broke it off with someone (and I have ended it with quite a few guys who I was just talking to or only had one date with ), the guy just accepted it and said "alright. I understand" It threw me...it was so incredibly rare, so alpha that I'll admit it actually had me questioning my decision for quite a few days after that lol the rest are always like "but whyyyyyyy" or they keep reaching out/ trying to stay in contact I will concur with this. Have done this exact response and a couple of times the girl is asking me: You're ok with it? or It does not bother you? That happened lol Told them each I was good, no problem they were not interested. Went about my business lol 1
preraph Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: yeah...next time if/when a girl says that just say..... "ok" ONE TIME and I do mean one time that I broke it off with someone (and I have ended it with quite a few guys who I was just talking to or only had one date with ), the guy just accepted it and said "alright. I understand" It threw me...it was so incredibly rare, so alpha that I'll admit it actually had me questioning my decision for quite a few days after that lol the rest are always like "but whyyyyyyy" or they keep reaching out/ trying to stay in contact Definitely food for thought.
Blind-Sided Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 OK... I'm going to go the opposite direction of everyone else. Maybe she's not ready, but she does like you. (There is a small chance of this) The real question to this is... did she recently get out of a long relationship? Here's the deal... I was with my exW for 20 years. She got mean an cruel, and accused me of a lot of false things. This took a bigger mental toll on me than I realized. Last October, I thought I was ready to date. I had a couple "Group" outings, and they were a lot of fun. But then the beginning of December, I had a date that was a little more "One on One"... and I was in a silent panic. I continued to try to date in groups to help me transition... but I wasn't even able to give a girl a hug. (and there was one girl I liked that finally got tired of my indecision) Just recently, I've been able to be happy again with a girl. I don't know if that's how she actually feels... but I know if happened to me.
Fletch Lives Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 It sounds like she's on the rebound. I would find another to date.
smackie9 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 She is using you for attention....dude you got totally friend zoned. Waiting or taking another shot is an epic waste of time. The date went well because she's just hooking you in. Don't be a shelp, cut her off. 1
rjc149 Posted April 15, 2020 Posted April 15, 2020 On 4/14/2020 at 10:48 AM, kiterider12 said: She came over and we had a great time, we made the dinner together, we talked, laughed flirted. I’m not huge on picking up on subtle flirting but I could defiantly see she was. She was talking, playing with her hair, made it a point to get closer to me, touched my arm a few times. After dinner we sat back and talked and she said she had to leave within 30 mins....she ended up staying another 1.5 hours. On her way out she gave me a hug and suggested we bring our dogs to the do park sometime. When she got home I texted her and let her know I had a great time. This was the best first date I have been on. Cmon man, a hug? Why didn't you escalate and go for a kiss? If a date is going well and she's giving you obvious signals, but you don't act on them, that's often a deal-breaker for women. You're not confident and dominant enough to take things to the next level. You're too unsure of yourself. Too much of a "I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, I want to respect her" beta male. Not hot. Or, you're not sexually interested in her. Either way it's usually a huge turn-off and unfortunately, you're out. “hey bad news....I discovered I’m not emotionally ready to date yet” = "I'm not interested." Ghost her. No contact, do not acknowledge her existence in any way shape or form unless she *directly* initiates a conversation with you. Liking your social media or whatever doesn't count. She texts you or calls (unlikely) directly. Then suggest another date. If she declines, or "I'll let you know's" you, delete her contact info and move on. 2
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