GuySimple Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Last night my wife and I had what amounted to the first really good fight of our marriage. Where we really told each other what we think. At the end of it I knew and she knew it was over. This morning we had a rational conversation about next steps right down to the location of town that I would look for an apartment and what furniture I would take. It was the first day in a long while when I felt like things were starting to make a bit of sense. I checked out some apartments and found one I liked. The landlord said they have a few tenants who were in my situation. Unfortunately she was very perceptive to pick up on the fact that a somewhat middle aged man would be looking for an apartment. I talked about my new place with my wife and I noticed that she was way more relaxed then she has been in a long time. We’re going to wait to tell the kids until December. They don’t come back from school until then. It’s at start but I think it is the right one. I’m looking forward to being on my own more than I thought I would. We were quite clear with each other though. My wife wants to concentrate on career and I truly want to have a close relationship. We couldn’t be more opposite in our needs and wants. There is one thing that I have figured out over the past few days. That in our 18 years of marriage we have concentrated on being good people, parents, employees etc., but we didn’t spend any time on connecting as one as I now believe happily married couples do. We were never sole mates right down to the day we got married. It was always about the event never the emotional connection that would get us through tough times.
Art_Critic Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Your head sounds like it is in a really good place but I was wondering... If in 18 years you had your first really good fight and you guys cleared the air then why not give it some time and see if you can save then next 18 years ? I know I don't know all the issues but you seem like a real clear headed guy and was I thinking that maybe you are thinking that the only way to fix it is move out.. Maybe it isn't .. What about 4 weeks of Marriage Counseling ? You know to see if you guys can start communicating on a loving level again..
Author GuySimple Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 Good advice. It’s not the first time we have fought but I think it is the first time we told each other how p’ed off we were and what we were p’ed off about. There was some pretty deep stiff. The comments came from a long way down. We have known each other on a relationship basis for over 25 years. We have grown-up together, developing our lives. Realistically we hung on way too long because it was familiar and comfortable. She’s been my best friend. What didn’t work was when we tried to add the romance. She will always be my close friend and I know we will always have a close relationship. Probably closer when we get the pressures of marriage out of the way. I’m not saying it is hard. I hate when things don’t work out. And I will always wonder what would have happened if we started working on our marriage sooner. We always relied on natural attraction and as pressures of being an adult grow we should have worked on our relationship. We talked about a councilor. In fact I went to two different ones to get a different perspective. When I explained the situation they both asked why we didn’t separate. I didn’t like that answer. I thought it was giving up. She didn’t want to go for the simple reason that she didn’t want to have someone try and change her mind like they did before. I’ve got to respect that and I agree. We are both intelligent people. Once we got past all the hurt feelings and started talking rationally it made much more sense. But, I’m not looking forward to the next phase. Moving out is the easy part. Telling kids, family, friends, co-workers etc. etc., I don’t look forward to being a middle aged divorced man. But at this moment I feel that a huge weight has been lifted off me. As my wife say’s. We will always love each other but just can’t live with each other. And she’s right.
Art_Critic Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Wow.. Really sad..Touching.. By the sounds of it you guys did start communicating. I hope that you guys do the separation with the intent of staying in each others lives rather than divorce. You never know what the future holds for the both of you My heart goes out to you and your wife and I know you will get thru it just fine.. Your family and friends will take the news like all family and friends do.. Some will be happy for you and some will wish you well and some will be shocked and disagree with your decision.. As far as being middle aged and single.. I know it's tough.. I'm 42 and divorced.. but I think if you work on your happiness then you will not be single forever..
Author GuySimple Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 Thank you for the supportive comments. Last night we stayed up talking until 3am. We talked about our future. Not about what we wanted but how we were going to behave and what we would do to support one another. We talked about how we would tell the kids we were separating. We were so relaxed and it was such a caring conversation. We really are best friends and have shared everything together. It has become obvious that what happened to us is that somewhere along the way we stopped being friends. At the end of the evening we went to bed together. The first time in almost 2 months. No sex just lots of cuddling. This morning over coffee we talked about what I would take for furniture and other details. There was no sense that maybe we should wait. We joked about how others who come into our relationship in the future may struggle with us. Our lives have been so entwined, everything we have is in joint names, we have shared every life moment together. That’s what happens when you marry your high-school sweetheart. We haven’t lived close to family in over 15 years so things like holiday’s and special events have always been just us and our kids. So we have some very strong bonds which will be a challenge if and when either one of us funds someone else. You’re right in that we are communicating for the first time in a very long time. We both still love each other very much and will always be in each other lives in some way. We do have a long road ahead and I know that there will be rough times, but right now, once I let go of all the ego stuff, hurt, anger etc., etc., things made a lot more sense.
Lily_ Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 I'd say, don't be too optimistic about your future. Once you move out there will be noone to cuddle with, noone to share your thoughts with etc. Once your wife finds someone new, your friendship is history. You are not going to be so close with anyone else in your life ever.
In Like Flynn Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Thats the tricky thing about post divorce life even with kids. Yeah you share children together but you will always be perceived as a threat by the new OM/OW in each others lives. Slowly but surely your relationship centers around the kids and who gets them when etc., and less about your former friendship(which by the way didn't prevent infidelity).
Author GuySimple Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 I don’t doubt for a minute that things will be challenging and that there will be days when we are not kind to each other. Right now however, considering where we were there has been a dramatic improvement in our relationship. Not as a husband and wife, but as parents and friends. There are lots of unknowns for me. The biggest being the fact that I am very physically attracted to my wife and we are very sexually compatible. The thought of her with someone else does make my skin crawl. We have talked about this and I know it is something that I will have to eventually deal with.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 You're just separating, not divorcing right? Don't close door completely. Maybe I'm a sucker here, but both of you love eachother so much yet right now life is not going the way each of you thought it would. You want her to be home with you more and she wants to prove herself as a worker and work her ass off for abit. It's too bad there can't be some sort of meeting in the middle, plan 3 week family trips or putting aside one day a week when you two are alone. I don't know...Just makes me feel sad that this is happening for you both.
u_would_b_lonley_too Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 um, i understand what you all are saying. But there is one thing I definatley wouldnt do. You say your waiting until December to tell your children because theyll be home, have you thought that maybe that wouldnt be such a good idea being close to christmas and all. That would ruin there holiday. Just a suggestion.
Author GuySimple Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 My wife said she is acutally excited about us living on our own. She has never lived alone. We got married in University so independence for both of us is going to be very new. Realistically, I know her very well - since she was 16. I would be very surprised if she found anyone else right away, at least someone serious. You're right in that we do love each other. This weekend was great. Once the pressure was off and we warmed up to the idea of separate places we begain to talk again. It has been all we can do not to act out the physical desires. Telling the kids is the hard part. The kides were home this weekend but is going through some rough times being that it is the first long time to be away from home. We focused on family this weekend and put the kids first. The idea about waiting until December is to enable us to get settled in our new spots. So the kids see us being established and happy albeit separated. Again, the focus will have to be on them for the 3 weeks they are home. The other alternatives would have been to tell them this weekend when they were only here 3 days and we are still working through things or do it over the phone. Both of these are not great options either.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Be honest with them. Show them love and also show them how much you and your wife STILL love eachother and you'll still have that closeness. Don't mention divorce. I think that is jumping the gun...THings could easily change, ya never know. Don't do it over the phone. No way. It's better even on a weekend, face to face, I know that still sucks too because of the amount of time for it to sink in etc...The phone thing is a bad idea.
Author GuySimple Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 I agree about the phone. There's not way we would do that. Timings not great for the Christmas thing but on the other hand it gives us a great time of year to show them how much we love and care for them and that things will be OK.
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