closedcurtains Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 My boyfriend and I had been dating for almost 11 months (..would have been 11 months today actually, now that's depressing). I met him because he lives 10 minutes from my cottage, and I live there in the summertime. But the rest of the year, it's a long distance relationship because our cottage isn't winterized and is on an island, making it basically impossible to go up in the winter. To top it off, my parents absolutely hate him, so they won't let me go visit him in the winter, and they only allow him to visit me. But that's hard, because he doesn't have a car, and it costs 50 bucks to take the bus down. A week and two days ago, I broke up with him because I thought he was cheating on me. The problem with where he lives is that everybody talks crap about everyone, ALL THE TIME, and I kind of took that to heart and so I began to get paranoid about whether or not he was cheating on me.. and I think I started to search for my evidence. I found my way into his email, and I read some things to this girl that said things like, "I love you baby" and "why didn't you call I missed you so much" and stuff. I took this completely the wrong way and I assumed he was screwing around with her. My boyfriend is the kind of guy who always says hun, babe, and says i love ya to his female friends. But this girl's brother had just passed away, and he was friends with her brother, so that's how they knew each other. To top that off, her dad died years ago, and her mom's probably going to die because she has cancer and is going really far downhill. I knew that at the time of reading those emails, but .. I kind of blocked all that out and I basically had a nervous breakdown because he was with another girl. But not just that he was with another girl as a one time thing, but that I thought they had a relationship, and it just hurt so much. The worst part, though, is that I already did this once last month, which involved him and his stalker ex-girlfriend emailing each other. I again read the email the complete wrong way and freaked out at him, then a few days later realized I was wrong, and begged for forgiveness. He said it was okay and that he was upset about it but as long as I didn't do something like that again, we'd be ok. And I know that I should never have gone into his email, I know that, oh god do I know that. I don't know why I did, I was just so paranoid, and all of his friends were telling me that he did cheat on me, so I didn't know what to do. Now I know, a month and a bit later, that his friends are full of crap. They aren't the nice, good-natured friends, they're friends who try and get you into trouble because they think it's funny. But for some reason I trusted them over him, which I know I shouldn't have. So I called him right away and I started to scream at him and say I hated him and that I wish I never slept with him and that I should have listened to all his friends and so forth.. I said so many bad things, but I was so hysterical, I can't even remember everything. He wasn't sad and he said he had no idea what I was talking about, the cheating thing, and that Kelly and him are just friends. But at that point I had basically made up my mind, and he kept telling me to watch what I say because I'm going to say something I regret, which of course made me more pissed off at him so I started to spit out even worse things at him. So we broke up. And then two days later, I talked to the girl I thought he was cheating with, I talked to some other people, and I told myself to stop being such an idiot and think about the context, and I discovered that he didn't cheat on me at all, but that I had done the exact same thing to him again. I feel so horrible, it's unbearable. I tried to tell him that I didn't mean anything that I said and that I was so so sorry, but I don't think he understood that I had said those things in a fit of hysteria, and he thinks that I actually feel that way. He keeps saying that it's going to be a long, long, long time before he considers having a relationship, with me or with anyone, again, because I hurt him so badly. I don't know if he actually means that, because he says that we should just be friends for now. And today, we had a serious heart-to-heart talk about what I said and how badly I hurt him, and he really wanted me to understand how much he hurt. He keeps giving me mixed messages, because he would ask something like, "What would make your promise different than the last time? How would it be different this time?", and then say "Okay, but it's going to be a long, long, long time before I consider dating ANYONE again". I don't know if he's trying to test me, or if he's just trying to make sure I feel guilty and depressed, so that he feels better about leaving me, or what. Also, he has always had a thing where he tends to say things based on how he feels at that time exactly, and not actually think about the literal sense of it (like, he says it might be a year, but that might just be because that's how it feels right now..he does that a lot). Why would it be different this time? Because this time I actually lost him, and I didn't think that was possible, for some reason. The last time this happened, we didn't break up or even go on a break over it. I knew I did something really bad, but I didn't really get the consequences of it. Now I know that I completely took him for granted and took advantage and listened to people that I shouldn't have, not to mention didn't trust him at ALL, which I really should have considering he hasn't done anything wrong to me to make me not trust him. I guess it could be worse, because he still wants to talk to me, and when we aren't talking about how the relationship fell apart, we're pretty friendly to each other, because he says that for now we should just be friends. But after today's big talk, he went on the phone with that girl whose emails I found for like an hour and a half. It just makes me nervous, I guess. I feel like crap. Like actually. I wake up in the morning and I can't look myself in the mirror. I can't believe what I did and what I said and how much of an a**h*** I am. I just wish that he would give me another chance to prove to him that I'm trying to change and that I wouldn't ever treat him like that again. I keep randomly crying throughout the day at stupid things. All I wish I could do is go back to the way things were and having him, because we were so amazing together, even despite the long distance, I realize now that I had planned to be with him for such a long time. I just need to know someone's opinion on whether or not there's any hope in getting back together with him. The next time I'm going to see him is on Oct 29th for a concert, and I'm guessing that by then I'll have a better idea of what's going on between us?
brittanyjean259 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 welll no matter under what circumstances, i dont think id ever approove of my boy friend(ex now) to ever say to another girl....i love you i missed you or something liek that... it kind of seems like your indenial...i know you think you should trust him... but do you have any instincts? everything that goes wrong you dump on your self about it... sorry but does any1 think my post could be correct? ask other people for advice to!
Author closedcurtains Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 My only instinct at this point is that I literally cannot see myself getting through the next 6 months without being with him, and I really, really, really want to work through this with him, not by myself. I just wish there was some way that he would see that this time, I actually understand that I can't go walking on him and expect him to be there when I calm down. Any advice on that=much appreciated.
helena abadi Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 you are right, you can't expect him to be there after lashing out at him. and yes, he is giving you mixed messages. not a good sign especially if he's on the phone to another girl straight away. continuing a relationship long distance tests trust to the max. you don't get the full picture and fears are triggered by the smallest things. probably i would have felt a bit like you, many of us would have. so don't beat yourself up too much. you obviously don't feel safe in the relationship, and there are many obstacles to you being together. if i caught my boyfriend writing such emails to other women, then i would feel certain grounds for suspicion. that type of intimate talk is not acceptable if you are with someone else. it does look as tho he was playing down his attached status, leaving room open for options. you have had the serious talk. i think you have to leave it for now. allow a little empty space for the dust to settle. several weeks, anyway. personal issues are always better solved when the storm is over and the situation is calm and we think more clearly. meanwhile, some counselling help would help your perspective. i think you need it.
Author closedcurtains Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 I forgot to mention that he found out that I flirted with some guy a few days ago, and he completely flipped out at me and got so upset and depressed about it, but I thought the relationship was over (the "trying again" thing was out of the question at that point). I'm not really sure if that means he still kinda wants to be with me and have me to himself, or if that's just him being bitter, but yeah.
helena abadi Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 he still has feelings for you, or he would not have got upset about the flirting. but it sounds as if he is not sure if he wants to have a relationship with you in the future. as i said, give it a little time for the dust to settle.
Author closedcurtains Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 Thanks for the advice helena. Do you mean like cut off all communication with him whatsoever for a few weeks, or just don't talk to him unless he wants to talk to me? (Which I'm going to do now anyways) He's pretty determined to be friends with each other right now, so doing NC would require me blocking his email and msn, etc. If he's the one who wants to talk, I'm not sure if not answering back would be benficial, or detrimental.
helena abadi Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 keep cool. there has been a lot of conflict. you need to sort a few things out. it takes time. understay your welcome - if there is any contact between you, keep it friendly but brief. guard your heart carefully. if you don't want to go No Contact, don't initiate too much contact, if at all. because it is a LDR, you don't really know what else he has going on regarding other girls. do think about seeking some counselling help over your anger issues. you sound quite young, and this has been an enormous upheaval. are you gettiing out and focusing on other areas of your life? this situation should not be centre focus.
brittanyjean259 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 you say you dont think your goin to get through the next 6 months with out him, but you will...of course things are going to be stresssful but atleast you know he still has feelings for you some people end the break up, and never wnat to talk to that person again bc the feelings are gone... where does that leave the other person? traumatized
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