Possible to pull back a bit without them thinking I'm losing interests?

[allofyou]

Been seeing someone for just over a month. Things are going well and I feel very comfortable around him. He seems nice so far and I do like him. However I felt that I gave more than I received so far and I might have gotten ahead of myself. I think it’s wiser to keep my feelings in check and maybe just to slow things down a bit, since I don’t think he is at the same wavelength as me. That means, I wanna try cut down communications, be less lovey dovey (I’m a very vocal person so I like sweat talking and compliments), and less touchy feely. Just in general things that feel to relationshipy.

I in no way want to play games. This is just to avoid getting ahead of myself and make sure my feelings don’t get all over the place. However, I don’t want him to think I’m losing interests either. 
  
Normally I’d try and date other people but we are kind of in a grey zone. He told me he doesn’t multidate and I told him I’m not seeing someone else. However, we have not specifically said that we are exclusive. I’m worried that he might think this is implied. I also don’t wanna hurt his feeling if he does indeed think we are exclusive. 
 

Thoughts?

Edited April 8, 2020 by allofyou

[basil67]

A couple of questions from me first:

* Given the self quarantining going on at present, have you met him face to face?  

* Why do you feel that you've given more than you've received?  Does he not initiate contact much?

* Why do you feel that implied exclusivity is a problem?  

[allofyou]

I have met him since we both live alone and we live basically 15 min walk from each other so we decided to sort of quarantine together, in a sense that we meet up with only each other in only our own homes. Where we are now, there is no hard lockdown tho. 
 

I’d say we make equal efforts in texting and making plans. And he would plan things around my schedule most of the time since I have a mad work schedule. I guess cos I have no problem being verbal about my feelings for him and I’ve shown it with my actions a lot more whereas he seems more reserved about it. I have no problem with me liking him more but if this is the case, I just wanna match his pace. 
 

I think implied exclusivity creates ambiguity. I’m unsure if it’s ok for me to still be talking to others (tho now I wouldn’t anyways given COVID) and what is the boundary here. At the same time, I feel that I’ve made my feelings clear to him, he should be the one initiating exclusivity / relationship. 

[Mystery4u]

Not sure what 'implied exclusivity' is exactly, either you are in a relationship and are exclusive or you are not. If he has not asked you to be his girlfriend then you are not exclusive. If he wants you to be exclusive then he should ask you to be his girlfriend because he doesn't want anyone else to get involved with you romantically.

Also when two people feel the same way about each other there is never 'too much'. It's been one month, you should be wanting to communicate and see each other as much as possible to get to know each other on a deeper level.

If he is not matching your expectations you shouldn't need to change who you are. There is no problem with being verbal about your feelings and showing with your actions. It just means that he doesn't feel that same way about you, yet. Whether he will get there with time, who knows.

Always be yourself.

Having to 'pull back' after one month is a bad sign.

Edited April 8, 2020 by Mystery4u

[allofyou]

By implied exclusivity I meant no talk of exclusivity is done but they’d still expect you to be exclusive and not be seeing someone else, otherwise feelings might get hurt. Not everyone has the exclusivity talk and a lot of culture support exclusive dating then relationship. For example, some of my friends from Europe and Asia never heard of the need for exclusivity talk (relationships however are different)

[Mystery4u]

6 minutes ago, allofyou said:

By implied exclusivity I meant no talk of exclusivity is done but they’d still expect you to be exclusive and not be seeing someone else, otherwise feelings might get hurt. Not everyone has the exclusivity talk and a lot of culture support exclusive dating then relationship. For example, some of my friends from Europe and Asia never heard of the need for exclusivity talk (relationships however are different)

That makes no sense. How can you expect someone to be exclusive if you have not asked them to be in a relationship with you. If you are just 'seeing' each other then there is no right to expect the other person to be exclusive to suit you, that's just selfish and controlling. You ask someone to be in a relationship with you because you want to commit to them and them only, and you want the same back.

I have been in long term relationships with women from Europe, North America, South America and Asia and every single one could not wait for me to ask them to be my girlfriend so they knew we were exclusive and had eyes only for each other.

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, allofyou said:

I’d say we make equal efforts in texting and making plans. And he would plan things around my schedule most of the time since I have a mad work schedule. I guess cos I have no problem being verbal about my feelings for him and I’ve shown it with my actions a lot more whereas he seems more reserved about it. I have no problem with me liking him more but if this is the case, I just wanna match his pace. 

The fact that he's less verbal doesn't necessarily mean that he likes you less.  Some people just aren't so verbal but show love/affection/enthusiasm in other ways.  I would highly recommend you look up "5 love languages" to give you clues as to how he's showing affection.   For example, I'm not terribly verbal with my feelings of love - so 'quality time' and 'physical affection' would be my strongest love languages. 

 

18 minutes ago, allofyou said:

I think implied exclusivity creates ambiguity. I’m unsure if it’s ok for me to still be talking to others (tho now I wouldn’t anyways given COVID) and what is the boundary here. At the same time, I feel that I’ve made my feelings clear to him, he should be the one initiating exclusivity / relationship. 

COVID aside......as he doesn't multi date, I think it would be disrespectful for you to be talking to others.  Let's face it, if you need to talk to others, then this guy obviously isn't for you and you should do him a favour and let him go.    Now, it sounds like you're already exclusive, so that conversation isn't needed.   It's too early to ask for a relationship, but there's nothing to stop you having a general conversation about what he's looking for when dating.  Is he looking for casual.  Is he looking for a relationship?  If he's looking for a relationship and things are going well with you, you're seeing each other a lot and especially if you've exchanged "I love you", then you're in a relationship.

As someone who's never had the exclusive/relationship discussion, I can tell you that you are able to judge by actions.

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

That makes no sense. How can you expect someone to be exclusive if you have not asked them to be in a relationship with you. If you are just 'seeing' each other then there is no right to expect the other person to be exclusive to suit you, that's just selfish and controlling. You ask someone to be in a relationship with you because you want to commit to them and them only, and you want the same back.

I have been in long term relationships with women from Europe, North America, South America and Asia and every single one could not wait for me to ask them to be my girlfriend so they knew we were exclusive and had eyes only for each other.

I'm a 50's woman in Australia and haven't had the conversation since I was 15 "will you go 'round 'wiv me?".   These days, I've been with my partner for nearly 30 years, have kids and a mortgage and are yet to have the relationship conversation.   We just knew it was a relationship.    It's rare in the UK too.    Doesn't mean that you can't ask,  but it's really not crucial to do so in countries which don't traditionally do so.

I also just asked my 21yo daughter in case I'm terribly old fashioned.  Apparently with her last boyfriend (of 4 years...who only had eyes for her) they never had the discussion.  But she did have the discussion with the boy before that because they started as friends and he felt the need to clarify the transition to relationship.  She said that there's no rule.

Edited April 9, 2020 by basil67

[allofyou]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The fact that he's less verbal doesn't necessarily mean that he likes you less.  Some people just aren't so verbal but show love/affection/enthusiasm in other ways.  I would highly recommend you look up "5 love languages" to give you clues as to how he's showing affection.   For example, I'm not terribly verbal with my feelings of love - so 'quality time' and 'physical affection' would be my strongest love languages. 

 

COVID aside......as he doesn't multi date, I think it would be disrespectful for you to be talking to others.  Let's face it, if you need to talk to others, then this guy obviously isn't for you and you should do him a favour and let him go.    Now, it sounds like you're already exclusive, so that conversation isn't needed.   It's too early to ask for a relationship, but there's nothing to stop you having a general conversation about what he's looking for when dating.  Is he looking for casual.  Is he looking for a relationship?  If he's looking for a relationship and things are going well with you, you're seeing each other a lot and especially if you've exchanged "I love you", then you're in a relationship.

As someone who's never had the exclusive/relationship discussion, I can tell you that you are able to judge by actions.

haha, it’s adorable that you asked your daughter :)

I’ve been single for a while now but I don’t rmb last time someone asked me to be their gf. Lol with my last bf, we didn’t even establish exclusivity per se. He just said he wasn’t seeing someone else and I said me neither and that was that. Then one thing led to another he introduced me to his friends and family. But that was a few years ago now and I’m not sure if I should expect my guy to ask me to be in a relationship?

 

i don’t want to talk to others. I just want to pace myself and people always say multidating is the best way. Tho I never liked it. 

He did tell me he’s looking for long term. But he just never confessed his feelings for me even I have done so a few times. It just made me feel insecure about it. One thing that made me feel good tho is that right before quarantine, he has prioritised making plans with me before his friends a couple of times as I was busy and he wanted to make sure he saw me during the weekends. 

[basil67]

It's all sounding good so far.   My only suggestion is that it's really early to be confessing feelings.   He may well be waiting to see how he feels when the infatuation period is over.

[Mystery4u]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I'm a 50's woman in Australia and haven't had the conversation since I was 15 "will you go 'round 'wiv me?".   These days, I've been with my partner for nearly 30 years, have kids and a mortgage and are yet to have the relationship conversation.   We just knew it was a relationship.    It's rare in the UK too.    Doesn't mean that you can't ask,  but it's really not crucial to do so in countries which don't traditionally do so.

I also just asked my 21yo daughter in case I'm terribly old fashioned.  Apparently with her last boyfriend (of 4 years...who only had eyes for her) they never had the discussion.  But she did have the discussion with the boy before that because they started as friends and he felt the need to clarify the transition to relationship.  She said that there's no rule.

I like my girlfriends to feel like a Queen, that means making them feel special, the most important woman in the world, hence asking them to be my girlfriend and in a relationship with me, normally in a romantic setting. It's a shame you didn't get to experience that. I know what it is like in the UK I have lived here nearly my whole life. My last girlfriend here, after 2 months of 'dating' told me in no uncertain terms "when are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend it's been 2 months". I waited until the perfect moment when we were walking down the riverside and gifted her a beautiful pair of earrings then looked into her eyes deeply while she got lost in mine, then asked her. I guess men these days just don't know how to make a woman feel like the only girl in the world. I certainly do thanks to experience.

Edited April 9, 2020 by Mystery4u

[basil67]

haha, I'd get the giggles if a guy pulled that on me.  

[Haerts]

Look, if things are going well, what is the need to pull back?

If you're showing your feelings, intentions, etc and he's not pulling away/backing off on you, that means he's interested on you.

You two just started, there's no need to rush things. Just be yourself, act like you normally do and let him be (he may take longer to show feelings, etc). IF he wasn't initiating any contact or making any plans to see you, then I would tell you to pull back to see where you stand, but in this case, all seems good to me.

As for dating other people, do you feel like it? Sometimes we want to see other people not because we're really wanting that, but because that's a way to keep our mind off of that other person we're interested on. If that's the case, then I wouldn't recommend doing that.

And well, I'm from Brazil but it's been a couple months since I moved to Australia. I feel like things are kinda different here. In Brazil, if we don't have that exclusivity talk, that means we're still dating and we can see other people (and generally, most people keep seeing other people until it's official). But not sure how it works here in Australia. Personally though, I would like to have that talk just to make sure. Even if I was seeing the guy every single day of the week for months, I'd still not consider it a relationship before making it verbally clear.

 

[Blind-Sided]

11 hours ago, allofyou said:

I think implied exclusivity creates ambiguity. I’m unsure if it’s ok for me to still be talking to others (tho now I wouldn’t anyways given COVID) and what is the boundary here. At the same time, I feel that I’ve made my feelings clear to him, he should be the one initiating exclusivity / relationship. 

With what you have said... he hasn't been ambiguous about it at all. He doesn't multi-date.  I'm kind of the same way.  In my younger life, I never even thought about it.  I would focus on one girl to see if I really liked her.  Since my divorce, I have had a little overlap... but since the date was a set-up in a group setting... I didn't really see it as the same as a "One on One" date. (if that makes sense)   OK... I know the COVID thing is keeping people in limited contact, but if he seems like he's truthful about it... then I think you have your answer.  But that doesn't mean that he sees you as his "Partner" yet either.

So... since you have been in physical contact... and since it's been a month... just ask him how he feels. 

As far as pulling back... I'm sure he will be fine with it.  Every relationship goes through the initial excitement, and it eventually has to turn "Normal".  I know in my own situation... I like to hear a good morning from my GF... but I don't expect to hear from her non-stop during the day.

Good luck with your new relationship.

[Fletch Lives]

There is nothing wrong with playing hard to get, it works well.

[rjc149]

What you are asking, basically, is "should I start playing push/pull games to manipulate him into showing his cards?"

If you feel the way you feel, then don't hold back. Holding back won't make your feelings less intense, it will just make you inauthentic. Being able to give and love means risking your heart. 

Some guys are more avoidant, they're not going to match you with the lovey-dovey kissy-smoochy romance type stuff. They just aren't wired for that. As posters have mentioned above, understand what his love language is. It sounds like he expresses affection with acts of service and quality time, while you are more inclined to words of affirmation and physical touch. It's not that you two are going at different speeds. You're at the same speed, but on different tracks. 

Personally, I don't abide by the 21st century western Buzzfeed/Huffpost/Tinder dicta that exclusivity must be explicitly established, or else either partner can continue exchanging fluids with whoever they want with as many as they want, and the other partner has no right to complain. It's just another facet of our bankrupt dating culture. If you're dating someone who sees implied exclusivity as a green light to keep sleeping around because you didn't have "the talk," that's not someone you'd want to have "the talk" with anyways. In my view, there are unspoken boundaries between two people who are being intimate with each other, and those boundaries deserve basic courtesy and respect. 

[allofyou]

You guys are so positive about things lol

Today I’ve been thinking if I should still talk to him about exclusivity ... I know you guys think it’s implied based on the situation but I don’t know .. I feel like I’ve already put myself out there and revealed my feelings for him by saying things like I like you, can’t wait to see you etc and he never reciprocated, not even “me too”.    I don’t feel comfortable at all putting myself out there again. I know he might not be vocal about his feelings but it’s not hard uttering even just two words “me too” ... I can now totally imagine a scenario where he’d come out and say he tried very hard to fall in love with me but he couldn’t.  

I kinda just don’t feel good about it .. I hope my gut feeling is wrong.   

 

Edited April 10, 2020 by allofyou

[Miss Spider]

I only read OP and last post, but sounds like you are only using an exclusivie talk to force him to reveal his feelings for you because you are not sure about them because he didn’t reciprocate etc... sorry that’s how it sounds. If that’s true, that’s a wrong reason and will most likely not work out in your favor. About the exclusivity, if you haven’t had that convo, I think it’s fine if you see others, even if he has said he does not do that. That’s him. He shouldn’t assume that of you until you say the same. You should be free to date others but I doubt it matters bc you seem a bit infatuated by this guy? 

Edited April 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Lotsgoingon]

If you really want to pull back in order to keep your feelings in check with the relationship (and not far ahead of the relationship) then that's fine. And if you feel he's being a little distant and you don't want to chase, that's fine.

Just don't pull back to play hard to get. I'm not saying that doesn't work, but really you pull back for your own benefit. You send a message first to yourself: I don't absolutely need this person. I can exist happily without this person. I will not beg anyone to date me and I won't consistently give more than they do. 

Making sure your feelings don't rush ahead of where things are in the relationship is such a smart strategy. 

Well I find it interesting to hear these other people's perspectives, but I gotta tell you ... I know a number of women who failed to have the talk ... and felt burned for that ... and I know guys who deliberately avoid the talk ... so that they sleep around without feeling like they're cheating. I guess I can imagine a situation where the commitment is so obvious and clear that you don't need to have the talk. But the fact that you're posting here tells me the commitment is not so clear. 

 

[rjc149]

OP, anxiously attached individuals frequently don't believe their partner is showing enough love and affection, so you may want to consider if your attachment anxiety is causing you to feel this way.

If you are having sex with someone with clear and mutual romantic emotions, exclusivity can be assumed. I think it often is. 

If you really feel he isn't as interested as you are, go on dates, but break things off with him first before you start having sex with other guys. Don't just start sleeping with men behind his back. Even if he isn't actually romantically invested. 

"The talk" is just another bullsh-t colloquialism us millennials have contrived to avoid ethical accountability to others. As if before a utilitarian 5-second verbal exchange takes place, anything goes, we don't have to care about anyone but ourselves because we weren't explicitly instructed to. I wouldn't take too much stock in it. IMO. 

[littleblackheart]

On 4/9/2020 at 12:23 AM, allofyou said:

Normally I’d try and date other people but we are kind of in a grey zone. He told me he doesn’t multidate and I told him I’m not seeing someone else. However, we have not specifically said that we are exclusive.

I see no grey area here, OP. While you didn't utter the word 'exclusive', plainly you are based on the above. You can take a step back if you feel you're too invested, but you need to tell him as much. He specifically told you he doesn't multidate, so he may take issue with people who do, as is his prerogative.

 

Edited April 10, 2020 by littleblackheart

[basil67]

I'm confused.   The two of you clearly are seeing each other exclusively.   Is the problem that you don't know if you're "in a relationship"?   If so, move away from the talk of exclusivity to the 'where do you see us going?' kind of discussion.

[allofyou]

4 hours ago, rjc149 said:

OP, anxiously attached individuals frequently don't believe their partner is showing enough love and affection, so you may want to consider if your attachment anxiety is causing you to feel this way.

If you are having sex with someone with clear and mutual romantic emotions, exclusivity can be assumed. I think it often is. 

If you really feel he isn't as interested as you are, go on dates, but break things off with him first before you start having sex with other guys. Don't just start sleeping with men behind his back. Even if he isn't actually romantically invested. 

"The talk" is just another bullsh-t colloquialism us millennials have contrived to avoid ethical accountability to others. As if before a utilitarian 5-second verbal exchange takes place, anything goes, we don't have to care about anyone but ourselves because we weren't explicitly instructed to. I wouldn't take too much stock in it. IMO. 

I actually read extensively on the subject and believe I’m anxious avoidant. Also did some tests on it with the book. As I often feel anxious first abut the situation then withdraw later. As I type this I realise maybe I still have this strong tendency to want to pull back to take back control or even exit the situation. I like to think I’m much much more secure than I was before. But taking back control and defending is stil a big one.  
 

If you are having sex with someone with clear and mutual romantic emotions, exclusivity can be assumed. I think it often is. 

 

I do understand this. But sometimes it’s the uncertainty that makes people want to have the talk. Others use it as a way to say “I want to be with you”. However I do agree it’s unethical in a way if people use the lack of exclusivity talk as a green light to sleep around without thinking about the other person’s feeling 

[allofyou]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If you really want to pull back in order to keep your feelings in check with the relationship (and not far ahead of the relationship) then that's fine. And if you feel he's being a little distant and you don't want to chase, that's fine.

Just don't pull back to play hard to get. I'm not saying that doesn't work, but really you pull back for your own benefit. You send a message first to yourself: I don't absolutely need this person. I can exist happily without this person. I will not beg anyone to date me and I won't consistently give more than they do. 

Making sure your feelings don't rush ahead of where things are in the relationship is such a smart strategy. 

Well I find it interesting to hear these other people's perspectives, but I gotta tell you ... I know a number of women who failed to have the talk ... and felt burned for that ... and I know guys who deliberately avoid the talk ... so that they sleep around without feeling like they're cheating. I guess I can imagine a situation where the commitment is so obvious and clear that you don't need to have the talk. But the fact that you're posting here tells me the commitment is not so clear. 

 

I think I’m like 80% comfortable that we are only seeing each other based on everything so far. I think the only thing lacking is I didn’t hear it from him. I don’t need grand gesture. I don’t need a title (I’m not ready for one yet but exclusivity is different). I just want to know he wants to date me exclusively.  
 

I won’t play hard to get for sure. I think what I’m pulling back is really just verbal and physical affection and gift giving. I’m going to dial way back on these as I feel Like the more I do these things, the more it feels too much like a relationship. And this might mess with my head while not knowing what he feels.  

[allofyou]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm confused.   The two of you clearly are seeing each other exclusively.   Is the problem that you don't know if you're "in a relationship"?   If so, move away from the talk of exclusivity to the 'where do you see us going?' kind of discussion.

I’m not too sure about “clearly”. Yes it is like 80% clear to me but without hearing from him saying things along those lines, I don’t know. 

 

tbh he only mentioned he doesn’t multidate when the topic of multidating culture came up. And I told him i don’t agree with it either and I’m not seeing others right now. And that was that. Then he joked that it would be very hard for him to juggle two women as I’m already “too much” lol