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Posted (edited)

I am in a relationship with my girlfriend of 3 year whom I love to pieces. I have always felt she had a "little" entitlement going but nothing note worthy.

Recently it has been getting quite annoying more so because of how minute the issue at hand is. I can do 10 things for my girlfriend if I say NO on the 11th request I am accused of always saying NO. Last Saturday we were watching a show at her house and her dog was going off (probably because he wanted water). She says to me without even making eye contact with an irritated and commanding tone "give him some water", I responded with a "NO". she got mad at me. At some point we had conversations and I told her that she cant just command me, if she had said "please" or given a reason why she could not or did not feel like doing it, I would have.

 

Fast forward to this morning. I am in bed after sleeping over. I begin work at 9am. WIth COVID19 i would head home in the morning as soon as I get up straight to work (my PC is at home). Girlfriend is already up since she start work earlier than I do. I am still in bed not ready to get up but it is about that time for me to leave. She works over and ask if I could make her her coffee. I told her that I didn't feel like getting up yet. She keeps pressing. I said to her that i will make it when I get up to head out. She keeps pressing the issue, she want her coffee now. So i told her, fine I will make it now but I will be leaving afterwards. No, she wants me to make the coffee, bring it to her in bed while she works and stay for a few minutes. I told her that I can make her coffee now but once I am up, I am in go mode and will not want to lay back down.

She keeps pressing telling me  how I have done it before so why am I having issues doing it again. To which I responded that the fact that I have done something before does not guarantee I will always do it.

For some strange reason she kept telling me that since this COVID19 thing started I had done it 2 to 3 time. I told her that I don't recall that and that my last recollection of making coffee for her was when we were both downstairs and that I do not understand what that has to do with the current situation. Now she is mad at me because I am saying her recollections are wrong.

I told her to make her own coffee.

 

This is getting annoying. Once you do something, it becomes the norm for her and has to be done on request or there will be issues

Edited by towch
Posted

It sounds like she has established or is establishing dominance in the relationship. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, and in fact you see it all the time. BUT it sounds like maybe YOU aren't comfortable with the level of dominance she is "attaining" (for lack of a better word).

Some women genuinely do not respect a man who they are dominant over. Others (possibly rarer) prefer this type of relationship and are perfectly happy with a more beta partner who "shows her how much he loves her" by small acts of service and similar.

You might consider couples counseling to work this issue out now before the tendency intensifies and/or to help establish some boundaries and mutual understandings about what is and isn't acceptable to you.

You might consider breaking up unless you are comfortable with a more beta-ish role in the household. Think about this carefully because it sounds like you actually are ok with it to some extent, the question is to what extent and is SHE a woman you want to stay with. Presumably you don't want to end up one of the "yes, darling" types who tolerates anything. That can happen, but is by no means a foregone conclusion if there is more a "balance of power" in the relationship.

Some things to consider:

- Does she reciprocate when you ask her to do things or is it you who gets to do everything?

- Does she "take you for granted" generally or does she show lots of love and affection and "pay you back" in other ways?

Posted
Quote

She keeps pressing telling me  how I have done it before so why am I having issues doing it again.

 Wow, there are so many things wrong with this.

I could understand her pushing if it was a shared chore that needed to be done for the household (e.g. if it was your turn to do the dishes, and they had been sitting in the sink all night). But pushing you to make coffee for HER, bring it to her in bed, etc? How incredibly entitled.

In your place I would probably tell her, "No, and when you act like an entitled a**h***, you decrease the chance of me EVER doing it again."

29 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like she has established or is establishing dominance in the relationship. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, and in fact you see it all the time.

I don't think the OP's issue is related to D/s, but even if it was, I think there IS something inherently wrong with it in that he has not given consent.

  • Like 2
Posted

Ah, I meant dominance in the more prosaic interpersonal relationship sense Elswyth.

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Posted (edited)
28 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

 Wow, there are so many things wrong with this.

I could understand her pushing if it was a shared chore that needed to be done for the household (e.g. if it was your turn to do the dishes, and they had been sitting in the sink all night). But pushing you to make coffee for HER, bring it to her in bed, etc? How incredibly entitled.

In your place I would probably tell her, "No, and when you act like an entitled a**h***, you decrease the chance of me EVER doing it again."

I don't think the OP's issue is related to D/s, but even if it was, I think there IS something inherently wrong with it in that he has not given consent.

I was going to reply to Mark's comments but I will just tack that on here. This is not an issue of Dominance or being Beta. Don't get me wrong, my girlfriend offers to help a lot, I just tend to do things I require by myself unless it is something major. Point being she doesn't get that much opportunity to help me with something. I feel like my issue here is double standard/having your cake and eating it too.

She is perfectly ok with telling me "NO" when i make a request. I am absolutely fine with that, and RARELY do I ask why she can't help. On the other hand when she makes a request it is like she expects no other answer but "YES". She looks shocked when she get a "NO" and tries to make you change your response. In the scenerio where I do change my response I am half the time faced with a comment like "Nevermind, I will do it myself"....and I am left with my head spinning asking myself what was the point of the back and forth then.

To your question Mark, at times I do feel like I am taken for granted because I am always available and willing to help but I am like if I am willing and able to help, whats the problem???

It is this Exceptions and entitlements that just grind my gears to be honest.

I have had this communication with her before but it is either she doesn't care or she is not getting it. The only way I can effectively get her to understand where I am coming from is to do/fake doing the same thing to her (In regards to other issues)...then she gets it. Her go to line is (Just because I am not okay with something doesn't mean you cant be okay with it). 

I am 32 and she is 28, we are too old for this tit for tat games just to prove a point.

Edited by towch
  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

Look, it might not last, but all you can do is keep your boundaries and not let her run rough-shod over you.  

 

And hey, there should be dog water left out at all times and refilled often!  So don't be silly.  Eliminate obvious things like that that could lead to a situation.  Leave plenty of dog water out where the dog can get it.  

Edited by preraph
  • Like 2
Posted
2 hours ago, towch said:

I have had this communication with her before but it is either she doesn't care or she is not getting it....

I am 32 and she is 28, we are too old for this tit for tat games just to prove a point.

Nice response. It's good that you both do things for each other. It does sound like she is "used to getting her way". Possibly her own family was like that growing up or she just expects it from prior relationships, dunno. I agree that you need to set boundaries for this so you'll be happy.

The fact that you've already talked about it is a tiny bit concerning. Possibly it's not going to change or possibly it will take several more times to sink in. Possibly it will be an enduring (and hopefully ultimately minor) sticking point within your LTR. If it really bothers you to the point where it's damaging the relationship, but you want things to work, you might consider some couples counseling for it to more or less nip it in the bud.

Posted

I believe Mark is correct,  this is absolutely a dominant position.  Just think about what you're saying.  She has no problem telling you no but won't accept no from you without a fight. She doesn't appear to have much respect for you when it comes to what she wants. Yes she is attempting to establish dominance 

  • Like 1
Posted

If you don't like her ordering you around, then tell her that. If she persists, find someone who isn't abusive.

Posted
On 4/8/2020 at 10:29 AM, preraph said:

there should be dog water left out at all times and refilled often!  So don't be silly.  Eliminate obvious things like that that could lead to a situation.  Leave plenty of dog water out where the dog can get it.

You're absolutely right, SHE should be doing that, at all times, for HER dog, at HER house.

I mean, seriously.

I would kick that woman to the curb faster than she could say "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

  • Like 2
Posted

What is wrong with her own two feet and hands? 

These are things I would only ask if it is more convenient for my partner to do. As in, if he was already in the kitchen near water and the water bowl. Or making himself some coffee already. Waking you up to demand you get her something that she could do for herself. What the heck??? 

  • Like 1
Posted

Not sure why this really got under my skin.   I can't imagine being in a relationship where my partner just says 'do this'.    Not even like 'hey can you please give the dog some water?'.    I wouldn't want to be spoken to that way.   It might seem like a small issue but to me it's a larger issue of respect.  Who talks to people like that?

If she had a friend over, would she say that to the friend?   Get me coffee.   Give the dog water.   I would hope not.  So if the answer is no, she wouldn't talk to a friend like that, then why does she feel so comfortable talking to you like that?   

 

  • Like 1
Posted

You need to have a serious discussion about boundaries with her. Or, find a gf who isn't emotionally manipulating you.

If you don't put a stop to her manipulative behavior fast, it's only going to get worse.

Posted (edited)

I would avoid making any long term plans with this person. If you already have, really consider if this is the type of relationship you want to be in.

 

You have a right to set your boundaries for what sort of treatment you will and will not accept. The sooner you do so, the better off you'll be.

Edited by pepperbird
  • Like 1
Posted
On 4/8/2020 at 11:32 AM, mark clemson said:

It sounds like she has established or is establishing dominance in the relationship. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, and in fact you see it all the time. BUT it sounds like maybe YOU aren't comfortable with the level of dominance she is "attaining" (for lack of a better word).

I totally agree with Mark on this that she is establishing dominance over you and has probably done so already.  I dated a girl many years ago that was exactly as you described.... exactly.  It won't get better my friend.  If this type of relationship isn't what you want then consider moving on.

That, or she is just simply an entitled princess.  You decide.

How are her mannerisms when she is around her friends?  Did her parents give her everything she wanted growing up?  I'd also be curious to know if her mom was dominating to her dad.  

 

   

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
On 4/8/2020 at 1:29 PM, preraph said:

And hey, there should be dog water left out at all times and refilled often!  So don't be silly.  Eliminate obvious things like that that could lead to a situation.  Leave plenty of dog water out where the dog can get it.  

Haha I know - I was more worried about the dog than I was about the OP and his GF! Poor doggie, s/he's looking at them and thinking, "Why can't these humans just get along and realize that I'm the most important person in the house here!"

Edited by OpenBook
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  • 1 month later...
Posted

There is a saying that goes something like "do something once or twice for someone and it is a favor, do it 3 times and it becomes an expectation".    Be very careful of that.  Hard to take something away (like getting coffee, etc) once it is an expectation.  No is a very powerful word.  Use it. 

Posted

OP I would suggest you keep pumping the breaks accepting her behavior. Once you spoil a person there is no unringing that bell.

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