Attention Deficit Disorder in the dating scene?

[girlinNYC]

This is regarding the first love guy who you've probably read about in posts gone by. 

Yes I love him but we are friends and I'm content with simply having him in my life. We speak most weeks, usually just banter and fun jokes. In the past we'd had deep conversations, but those seemed to have stalled and we just had a banter type friendship - until this week there was a shift. 

For a while now I had suspected he wasn't okay. At any point of intimacy when we 'dated' he'd pull away or engage in self depreciating talk about why I'm too good for him. 

He revealed to me that a week ago he went to see a psych and is on some sort of medication - he didn't reveal what, but did say that he was diagnosed with non hyperactive ADD. I expressed to him that I was proud he took the initiative and went to see someone, and that he should be proud of himself for doing that too. 

He isn't the type to wear his heart on his sleeve and expressions of emotion aren't his M.O but I think its significant he showed a level of vulnerability here and revealed something that I feel is quite personal. I'm honoured, in a way, that he's entrusted me with that type of information. 

I don't know much about ADD - but could that impact on him in the dating scene and with general relationships? Anyone know much about non hyperactive ADD in general?

[Fletch Lives]

It's a sad thing to say but people with mental issues are often not good catches.

[girlinNYC]

7 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

It's a sad thing to say but people with mental issues are often not good catches.

My intention is not to date him. I was asking about ADD and the impact it could have on him. 

[Ollie180]

I’m have ADHD, it doesn’t have an impact on me because, it is me!

does that make sense? It’s part of who I am, part of who I’ve always been!

Am I every girls cup of tea, no. Have I had girls be put of by traits that are often associated with ADHD, yeah occasionally. But I’d never say that’s impacting my dating life (or any other part of my life) because it’s part of me. I’m comfortable in my own skin.

[Cookiesandough]

Hmm is he on meds? Should be fine. I know people with ADD and ADHD that date/have relationships. It doesn’t seem to interfere that much, but I suppose it depends on the severity. 

Edited April 7, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[FMW]

I have a couple of friends with ADHD. 

The guy is on medication but still has a lot of trouble focusing on just one thing at a time so it takes him forever to get things done.  He's usually on time but just barely, skidding in at the last moment.  He's constantly busy even on his down time, always having several projects going at once.   

The woman is not on medication.  She's a chatterbox, jumps from topic to topic without a breath.  I frequently have to refocus her on what we're discussing in order to finish the conversation.  She's constantly on the go but just like the guy, it often takes her longer than it should to get any one particular thing done.

They are both really wonderful people that I'm glad to have in my life, but they both require patience and going with the flow.  Of course I'm sure that I present my own challenges for them at times 🙂      

[Foxhall]

10 hours ago, girlinNYC said:

My intention is not to date him. I was asking about ADD and the impact it could have on him. 

It is good that you are broaching the subject, showing vulnerability creates a connection I always say,

it is good that you have reached out to him,

Also if you feel the connection is ok otherwise, having this condition should not be a reason not to date him,

would you consider going with the flow taking a chance on a relationship with him, learning as you go along.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

ADHD runs in my family. I have it in the milder form ... and yes, I have the attention version ... the old terminology (frequently changes) is ADHD-inattentive ... meaning you have attention problems ... some people informally call this ADD ... though the official title of the condition ... whether hyperactive, inattentive or both ... is ADHD.

ADHD is a real pain in the rear ... people with the condition have higher rates of addiction, depression, car accidents, falls, poor job performance, missed deadlines and on and on. And unfortunately the problems the condition creates just look like "laziness" or "not having your act together" in the mainstream culture. Oh and the depression and anxiety that often accompany the condition ... need to be treated separately on their own. The consensus at this time is that depression is not the result of the frustrations of ADHD but more likely a brain problem that is more frequently present in people with ADHD. 

Meds can be helpful and getting the optimal med and the right dosage (with minimal side effects) requires trial and error. Totally can take a year or longer to get to the ideal med. Learning about the condition and reading about other people with the condition is also very important.  He should read various sites and look for "work-arounds." . Example of a work around ... I am terrible at spatial skills (frequently the case for people with ADHD) ... I have no sense of room and house arrangement and all of that ... Well, I got help from a friend of mine who is a master at house decorating and design.  Put this there. Put that with the other color over here. Use this space this way ... create a file system here ... I followed directions and boom, got my living space in really beautiful condition ... though of course I sometimes let it get cluttered.

There are highly successful ADHD business people who are great with customers, have charisma, can generate employee morale and so on ... and these folks couldn't play a bill if it smacked them on the head. Their work-around: a partner whose strength is detailed, tedious work.

Yes, the condition is a real pain in the rear ... also the condition does impede some social skill and social learning, it seems. The biggest thing is to have the right attitude ... quick forgiveness ... getting help ... oh ... btw: I have learned not to say ADHD. Totally paralyzes people ... Instead, I simply say, "I'm not a details person" and I own that. Totally works. He should make himself familiar with therapy. With ADHD, you have to minimize all other neuroses and problems, because ADHD will cause enough problems on its own. 

 

[Ollie180]

11 hours ago, FMW said:

The guy is on medication but still has a lot of trouble focusing on just one thing at a time so it takes him forever to get things done.  He's usually on time but just barely, skidding in at the last moment.  He's constantly busy even on his down time, always having several projects going at once.   

The woman is not on medication.  She's a chatterbox, jumps from topic to topic without a breath.  I frequently have to refocus her on what we're discussing in order to finish the conversation.  She's constantly on the go but just like the guy, it often takes her longer than it should to get any one particular thing done.    

Have we met? 🤔 Because you could pretty much be describing me 🤣

they tried to him give me meds as a kid but I didn’t like them, so I don’t take them. That said..

Starting 10 things at once and not finishing any of them - check. no down time - check. Bad at sleeping - check (some nights I’ll get up at like 1am and go for a jog or do push ups or something). Always late - check! Biting off more than I can chew - check.

Did those things annoy ex gfs? Sure sometimes!

 

Buttttt.. some of the traits that have really helped me out in life - being an entertainer, making friends, adapting spontaneously, being initiative, creative...thinking differently! Those traits can all be associated with ADHD too, so......I sure wouldn’t be without it! I wouldn’t know who I was without it! So, hopefully, any girl I was dating would feel the same, and love me for me 🤷🏼‍♂️

 

A label on a condition shouldn’t change your feelings on someone because it is just that, a label! Maybe you might understand them a bit better, but it literally doesn’t change the person in any way, they’re the exact same person they were the day before they had the label!

[amaysngrace]

Is he a capricorn born on the cusp of aquarius? 

[girlinNYC]

4 hours ago, amaysngrace said:

Is he a capricorn born on the cusp of aquarius? 

Nope! He’s Virgo. I don’t really believe in astrology 

[girlinNYC]

On 4/8/2020 at 6:57 AM, Ollie180 said:

I’m have ADHD, it doesn’t have an impact on me because, it is me!

does that make sense? It’s part of who I am, part of who I’ve always been!

Am I every girls cup of tea, no. Have I had girls be put of by traits that are often associated with ADHD, yeah occasionally. But I’d never say that’s impacting my dating life (or any other part of my life) because it’s part of me. I’m comfortable in my own skin.

Makes perfect sense, thanks for your insight. I'm glad you have self confidence! 

I certainly don't see him any differently - it doesn't define him or make him any less of a person. He's actually one of the most intelligent people I've met, but doesn't give himself anywhere near the credit he deserves. 

[girlinNYC]

On 4/8/2020 at 7:00 AM, Cookiesandough said:

Hmm is he on meds? Should be fine. I know people with ADD and ADHD that date/have relationships. It doesn’t seem to interfere that much, but I suppose it depends on the severity. 

He is on meds, he didn't say which and I didn't want to prod. He's going back to his psych for a second session to review the meds and see if any side effects are apparent, so I guess they'll both be able to determine the severity. 

[girlinNYC]

On 4/8/2020 at 9:12 AM, FMW said:

I have a couple of friends with ADHD. 

The guy is on medication but still has a lot of trouble focusing on just one thing at a time so it takes him forever to get things done.  He's usually on time but just barely, skidding in at the last moment.  He's constantly busy even on his down time, always having several projects going at once.   

The woman is not on medication.  She's a chatterbox, jumps from topic to topic without a breath.  I frequently have to refocus her on what we're discussing in order to finish the conversation.  She's constantly on the go but just like the guy, it often takes her longer than it should to get any one particular thing done.

They are both really wonderful people that I'm glad to have in my life, but they both require patience and going with the flow.  Of course I'm sure that I present my own challenges for them at times 🙂      

Interesting contrast you've presented there. Thanks for your input. 

I know there are different degrees of the condition and there's a broad spectrum - after all no two people are ever the same.

He's definitely not a hyperactive person, he's an introvert. Super intelligent, reads a lot, so it beats me as to what elements of ADD he has or how his psych diagnosed it. Of course I'm not undermining his psych, I guess it is what it is. 

[girlinNYC]

On 4/8/2020 at 9:18 AM, Foxhall said:

It is good that you are broaching the subject, showing vulnerability creates a connection I always say,

it is good that you have reached out to him,

Also if you feel the connection is ok otherwise, having this condition should not be a reason not to date him,

would you consider going with the flow taking a chance on a relationship with him, learning as you go along.

 

he reached out to me and then brought it up in conversation out of nowhere. I was glad he was able to share it with me, I reassured him I was proud of the steps he took to get it diagnosed. We aren't in a dating situation. I'm in love with him, but we are just good friends. I have already told him how I feel, but it's an entirely different story. I'm glad he's in my life regardless. His condition doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't define him at all. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I'm in a long-term relationship with someone who has this disorder. While he has some amazingly wonderful traits, there are downsides: chores don't get done without constant reminding, appointments get forgotten, important details are overlooked, etc. It can be a challenge, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. 

[preraph]

Well, you're going to end up reminding him of his mother if you don't let him make his own mistakes and learn how not to.  Being someone's mother will kill sex for both of you eventually.  This would be a dealbreaker for me.  He doesn't do chores because he doesn't want to, like most people.  He forgets appointments because he doesn't care enough to keep a calendar or set up an alarm.  He's surely not such an idiot that he hasn't thought of that simple solution?  Right now, you're finding excuses for him.  By now he should have the tools to do these things if he wanted to.  

 

Here is a link about the subject.  Give it to him.  Unless you want to be the one cleaning up that photo and just let him keep skating.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 4/10/2020 at 11:18 AM, preraph said:

Well, you're going to end up reminding him of his mother if you don't let him make his own mistakes and learn how not to.  Being someone's mother will kill sex for both of you eventually.  This would be a dealbreaker for me.  He doesn't do chores because he doesn't want to, like most people.  He forgets appointments because he doesn't care enough to keep a calendar or set up an alarm.  He's surely not such an idiot that he hasn't thought of that simple solution?  Right now, you're finding excuses for him.  By now he should have the tools to do these things if he wanted to.  

 

Here is a link about the subject.  Give it to him.  Unless you want to be the one cleaning up that photo and just let him keep skating.

What are your credentials, since you're so knowledgeable about the disorder?