Confused...

[John018]

Hi,

 

I'm new to these forums an have a dilemma about a girl i like...

 

I met this girl about 5 months ago through mutual friends while we were commuting to work. We both work in the same company but for the most part our interactions took place on the train with our friends.

 

Anyway, I felt an attraction for this girl the moment I saw her. What’s more, I felt that she wanted me too. I knew this because every time I was around she would stare directly at me. Usually she would give me a big smile – you know, that “come and talk to me, I want you” smile. There were times when I’d be walking by and she’d be sitting around with her friends and she’d just stare at me. The funny thing was, whenever we did talk the conversation was a bit stunted. I have to admit I did get a bit nervous when talking to her and that made things difficult, but all the non-verbal signals she was giving off told me she was interested.

 

Sometimes I get a bit insecure and I let the fact that we didn’t talk much discourage me from being more aggressive in my pursuit. And I think I may have left her with the impression that I wasn’t interested. Anyway, this went on for nearly 5 months until I decided that I didn’t want to waste any more time and just wanted to ask her out.

 

I finally did get around to asking her one day in the canteen. So I started a conversation and told her that I liked her and that I was wondering if she wanted to go do something with me some time. Her reaction wasn’t what I expected, but it wasn’t bad either. Basically, she said that she didn’t know about a date but that we could do something with our friends. She specifically said that whenever I’m in town we could get together with the guys and go for a drink. Then one of her friends came along and she said she’d talk to me about it later. So I went away without a clear answer, but I was still hopeful.

 

However, her behaviour since then has really confused me. She basically began ignoring me. Whenever I see her now, whether it’s in the canteen or walking by each other on the campus – I get nothing. She won’t even say hello to me. She either walks by as if I don’t exist or seems very uncomfortable to be around me. The first time she did this I thought it was just my imagination, but she kept on doing it.

 

I got the message that she obviously didn’t want to speak to me at the moment, so I decided that maybe I could get a clear answer by emailing her. I sent her an email inviting her out to play badminton with a couple of our mutual friends. I thought that if she was interested then going out to play sports would be a good way to get things going slowly. But if she wasn’t, this would be an easy way for her to tell me that she wasn’t interested, by making some sort of excuse. But she didn’t reply. Which left me even more confused.

 

Looking back on when I asked her out I sometimes think that she meant that we should be just friends. But her behaviour in the 5 months before that and the fact that she said we should go out and do something with the guys gave me the impression that she was interested and just wanted to take it slow.

 

It’s been just over a week since I asked her out and she’s been ignoring/avoiding me since then. To be honest I have no way to explain her behaviour and since she won’t talk to me or reply to my email (I only sent her that one) I’m really stumped as to what to do next. I do really like her and want to pursue a serious relationship (or least give it a go) but what I really don’t want is to be wasting my time or bothering a girl I don’t have a chance with. I guss I need closure.

 

I know this has been a long post so thanks to anyone who took the time to read it. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated…

[LucreziaBorgia]

Yup, I'd say closure is in order. The best way to go about it is to make your contact with her (even visual contact) as scarce as possible so that it will be easier to work her out of your system.

[John018]

Thanks or the speedy response Lucrezia.

 

At the risk of sounding obsessive, it's difficult for me to move on when her behaviour has been so strange. I mean, one minute she likes me and then she starts avoiding me like the plague?

 

Any chance someone could come up with a reason for her actions?

[Lucinda]

"Any chance someone could come up with a reason for her actions?"

 

Yeah, I would suggest that she may possibly already be attached. That would explain why she "liked to look but not get closer". It may also explain why she said "go out with friends". She was perhaps thinking of being somewhat closer to you but keeping it under control. Maybe after thinking about it she realized that not even spending time around you with a group of friends was a good idea. If that is the case at least you know she's not a cheater.

 

Also,maybe it is because she has some personal issues regarding men that she is in the process of dealing with. That would explain her not being able to jump at the chance of going out with you even though she feels an attraction. You never know what a person has gone through . She may have made a promise to herself to take some time before getting involved again. especially if she was in a very bad relationship (abuse etc.). Although she has an attraction she may be trying to keep her distance.

 

Just a couple of thoughts from a womans point of view.

[John018]

"Yeah, I would suggest that she may possibly already be attached."

 

That would be a good explanation, she never mentioned a boyfriend but I suppose being attached would explain her reluctance to get closer. However, what I fail to understand is why she won't just tell me she has a boyfriend now that she knows for sure I'm interested? If she was only interested in innocent flirting/looking why not cut me off completely by explaining that she's already spoken for and is happy? She's had a few opportunity's to do so but hasn't said anything. Could she be just "keeping me in reserve" in case her current relationship doesn't work or if she wants time to think?

 

"she has some personal issues regarding men that she is in the process of dealing with"

 

I suppose this would also be plausible. But I have to admit the biggest problem I have here is her silence. It's driving me nuts! I have a tendancy to overthink these situations and over the last week or so I've gone over all possible explanations for her behaviour and tend to veer from being hopeful to pessimistic about my chances...

 

But I suppose that's my issue and not hers. Afterall she doesn't owe me any kind of explanation (which is also damn frustrating). I know I should probably leave it be and have decided to not approach her unless she gives me signals she's willing to talk. But my mind just won't let it go, which is why I explained I need closure on the subject. But I suppose in life there is no easy way out of these things...