Finances in a relationship?

[simpycurious]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Agree, it IS hot!  And I truly believe that if men realized how that hotness translates when he and his girlfriend get home, they'd want to pay more often. 

Poppy, can you expand on this a little more us GUYS?  When THEY get home that is?  

Do you truly think that MOST men DO NOT realize that paying is a good thing.  I honestly have NEVER dated and not paid regardless of the cost high or low. 

[simpycurious]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not trying to start a war, but I made a point in my earlier post to say they're not trying to buy their way into a woman's heart, he "already" has her heart! 

Perhaps you missed it?

Anyway, not worth debating what some women find hot and others don't, to each their own.

IT has NOTHING to with a "pay for play" scenario. That's what you do when you need a new safety or cornerback, you find one and pay him to play....lol

You, the guy, just wants to pay for the date. SIMPLE

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

True you don't "have" to spend anything, we will still be attracted, but what cookies and I are saying is that when a man we are attracted to pays, it can be hot.

At least for me, and apparently cookies too. And I'm sure other women.  Yin and yang and all that.

And for some other women, they wouldn't give a rat's rear end either way.

Why argue about what some women find hot?  Not getting that.

That said, I do pay as well sometimes.  My boyfriend does not find it hot, in fact it makes him a bit uncomfortable but I pay anyway. 

That would be a HUGE NO for me Poppy....you paying that is.  Let's assume the GUY has OTHER HOT attributes as well but STILL WANTS/NEEDS to do the paying. It would really make ME uncomfortable for my date to pay FOR ANYTHING.  I know it sounds WEIRD but when you are raised with a certain mindset, IT IS NOT EASY to deviate from that. 

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Do you truly think that MOST men DO NOT realize that paying is a good thing.  I honestly have NEVER dated and not paid regardless of the cost high or low. 

Well you're the minority simp, because many men in today's dating environment resent paying.

I can't find it now but there is big long thread going back years discussing who pays.

Check it out if you can find it, it may actually be on another forum I am a member of, but if it's this forum you'll see just how many men resent paying.

And also how many women don't want a man to pay! 

I rarely paid when dating my ex, but I do sometimes pay now; I dunno it makes me feel good to reciprocate in that way.

Makes my bf uncomfortable, but I know he appreciates it.

 

Edited April 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

That would be a HUGE NO for me Poppy....you paying that is.  Let's assume the GUY has OTHER HOT attributes as well but STILL WANTS/NEEDS to do the paying. It would really make ME uncomfortable for my date to pay FOR ANYTHING.  I know it sounds WEIRD but when you are raised with a certain mindset, IT IS NOT EASY to deviate from that. 

Makes my bf uncomfortable too.  Just how he was raised, but I still do "sometimes" because as I said, makes me feel good to reciprocate in that way. 

No wrong or right, to each his/her own as long as both people are on the same page about it.

Edited April 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I think most men DO know and DO NOT mind to pay within their means. The problem is when they end up paying for women not interested in them or they have to spend above their means. Or they are cheap. lol. Even then, I think most still do and then come on the internet and complain about it

Edited April 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

I just did a search, and that thread I was talking about is on this forum simp, it's called "the new consolidated paying for dates thread." 

You might find it interesting. 

Edited April 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[preraph]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

I am not arguing what women find hot but from what I observe men trying to buy their into a woman's heart is pretty much wasted money.

Yeah, it's not going to get you a good sincere woman.

[simpycurious]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I just did a search, and that thread I was talking about is on this forum simp, it's called "the new consolidated paying for dates thread." 

You might find it interesting. 

Thanks for looking Poppy but I honestly don't want to know and/or hear the OTHER SIDE (the lady paying).  It WILL NEVER be my thing.  Again, each to his/her own.  I LIKE to pay. I don't mean it in a bad way either.  

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

That would be a HUGE NO for me Poppy....you paying that is.  Let's assume the GUY has OTHER HOT attributes as well but STILL WANTS/NEEDS to do the paying. It would really make ME uncomfortable for my date to pay FOR ANYTHING.  I know it sounds WEIRD but when you are raised with a certain mindset, IT IS NOT EASY to deviate from that. 

What if your actions make your date uncomfortable?  Do her views count for anything?   Say she earns a bit less than you but it makes her feel good to pay for what she can afford.

Edited April 17, 2020 by basil67

[simpycurious]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What if your actions make your date uncomfortable?  Do her views count for anything?  

That's a great question, Basil.  Of course, I would not want to make her or anyone uncomfortable nor would I want to generate an argument over it. I just WANT TO PAY. 

Not a good answer I know....sorry  

Let's just chalk it up to a character flaw......

Edited April 17, 2020 by simpycurious

[Miss Spider]

Yea I just want to add it's always made me uncomfortable but its not a deal breaker, especially if everything else is great about him? Awesome... If he ACTUALLY likes doing it. But most people do not think that way at all or have great ...other qualities...and try to use money to make up for it. No..

Edited April 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[simpycurious]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

Yea I just want to add it's always made me uncomfortable but its not a deal breaker, especially if everything else is great about him? Awesome... If he ACTUALLY likes doing it and not just to woo, I would be really cool. But most people do not think that way at all or have great ...other qualities...and try to use money to make up for it. No..

I can see that Cookie and definitely something to consider.  I just never put that much thought into it.  I just LIKE to pay not to impress but because I want too.  

[basil67]

9 hours ago, simpycurious said:

That's a great question, Basil.  Of course, I would not want to make her or anyone uncomfortable nor would I want to generate an argument over it. I just WANT TO PAY. 

Not a good answer I know....sorry  

Let's just chalk it up to a character flaw......

I ask this because my husband paid for most of our dates when we started (he was a much higher earner than I).  But it gave me so much pleasure to return the favour on occasion and I was so happy that he accepted.  

Edited April 17, 2020 by basil67

[poppyfields]

Question for @simplycurious, if you were out with a woman, getting on well with her during the date, discovered there was a mutual attraction, but then the bill came and she insisted on going dutch and paying her own share, would that be a turn off to you? 

And if yes, why? 

Has that ever happened to you?  LOTS of women in today's dating environment prefer to pay their own way, and an equal amount of men who welcome that!

In fact, there are men (on this forum in reading past threads) who have posted they would dump a woman he was otherwise attracted to if she did not offer to pay by at least the third date. 

Something about that reflecting an "entitlement" attitude, which some men are sensitive to and can be a deal breaker for them in today's dating environment. 

Just wondering what your thoughts are about that other than simply saying you like to pay. 

Edited April 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

Poppy, I can't say that it would be a TURN OFF especially if everything else was going well.  Awkward, YES. Yes, it happened once and I was able to NEGOTIATE paying the bill.  I am sure this a character flaw that I possess unfortunately.  Nobody is perfect REMEMBER.......

[OatsAndHall]

23 hours ago, Elswyth said:

IMO there's a pretty big spectrum between 100% combined finances where everything literally goes into one pot, and the extreme that the OP's partner is talking about (where everything they do or buy together must absolutely be financed 50/50). A lot of couples take a middle of the road approach where they do still maintain personal accounts with discretionary income that they can spend without consulting the other person, but also have joint assets/accounts where they each contribute different amounts based on, say, income ratio.

I doubt the purchase of something like a financing expensive vehicle would be considered discretionary income for couples who have combined finances of some kind. That would need to be an agreement made well a head of time because it can be a hefty expense; payments, comprehensive insurance, tags, plates, etc.. Even if it was agreed upon, you still have the gas to consider; someone can easily spend $100/month in gas with a pick-up truck if you live in a rural state like I do.  But, I've made my stance on finances clear with my GF on the few occasions it's randomly come up.

 

[simpycurious]

I can't say that it would be a turn off especially if everything else was going well.  Awkward, YES.  Yes, it happened once and I was able to NEGOTIATE paying the bill.  I am sure this is a character flaw that I possess unfortunately.  Nobody is perfect....REMEMBER.

[simpycurious]

On 4/16/2020 at 9:26 PM, Cookiesandough said:

Yea I just want to add it's always made me uncomfortable but its not a deal breaker, especially if everything else is great about him? Awesome... If he ACTUALLY likes doing it. But most people do not think that way at all or have great ...other qualities...and try to use money to make up for it. No..

You are exactly right in that MONEY/Spending money cannot make up for a lack of personality, charm, looks, etc.  I guess that is akin to "paying for romance."  I also fully GET that simple gestures mean a lot and often times FREE.  I would venture to say that YOU deal with all sorts of guys trying to charm you, impress you for a variety of ANGLES so you probably are understandably cautious.  I think it probably just "comes with the territory" so to speak. It's true that NOT everything about being beautiful, amazing, kind, and bright is perfect. 

[scooby-philly]

This has been a very interesting thread to read and a lot of great comments from people.

 

The one thing I didn't see much of from the OP or even in the comments from everyone - several of you I know well - is the idea of LIFESTYLE. Now, leaving aside the fact that a lot of you bashed this guy without the OP even saying he was a penny pincher or even talking about him much (and you not knowing anything else about him - maybe he's super generous with his time, maybe he's super generous but cautious about finances) it comes down to a question of LIFESTYLE. The OP seems hurt because she knows how much money he has and what he could "support" lifestyle wise and he's made it clear that they will live within the means that they can with him matching her "contributions". Now, he could be doing that to protect himself, he could be listening to advice from his parents/family, or he could simply not be into living the LIFESTYLE that the OP expects to live if she has HIS kind of money. A lot of wealthy people - inherited or earned (or combo) - live a lot more simply than they can afford. Look at Warren Buffet - the dude is the 3rd or 4th richest man on the planet and he lives in the same house he bought in the 1950s, drives cars for 10 years or more, and vacations/travels simply and dresses simply. Sure, he still probably spends a few million dollars a year  (or maybe up to 10 million) but even at 10 million a year it would take like like 5,000 years for him to go through all of his money. If the boyfriend in this picture has 10 million (let's say for ease of calculation) and makes 100,000 a year before taxes and the OP makes 100k a year....then what's wrong with them living like they had 200k a year? Maybe he'll surprise her with occasional gifts and/or trips, maybe he would start a nest egg for their children. The question is for the two of them to continue their conversation to get a clear understanding of their expectations and to get honest about WHY they have them.

[scooby-philly]

And let's make an analogy here. Instead of "reversing roles" and making the OP be the one with the money, let's just switch the item in question. So instead of "money" let's use "time" - as most people agree that's almost as valuable. Let's imaging a scenario where for a combination of reasons - let's say she has to work 5, 12 hr days to make the money she's making and she has to drive 1 hr both ways - so that's a 70 hour "work week". Now maybe she also has a sick parent or perhaps 2 children. And for the sake of the analogy let's say he only has to work 40 hours a week to make as much as she does and he works from home except for 3-4 business trips a year. Now, let's say they were talking about moving in together at some point like they are. If we were to assume about 20 hours worth of chores in a house with 2 kids a week....if he was offering to do 10 hours a week - cooking, cleaning, running errands, doing laundry, whatever, and the OP had a problem with him not doing more simply because had had "more time" I think a lot of people would be like - well, he's pulling his weight at least completing at least 50% (which is darn good the way most women seem to talk about their men lol) of the chores/responsibilities. And if she was mentioning doing things - getting a dog, buying a bigger house or a vacation home, or having a kid, - that required more work and he was hesitant about saying yes because he'd be the one to have to do the extra work - I don't a lot of people would argue that's mean or selfish or what not. 

So back to the financial thing (and let me be clear - in a relationship there's a "lifestyle" element - like how often you go out, how often you see friends/family, the things you do together/separate, etc. - but when dealing with finances you can break the money down to "spend/save", "what to spend money on", and "lifestyle" - meaning the overall arching lifestyle level you need relative to your income/assets. The problem is money can change people and I do not disagree with the bf in this case - protect what you have. A lot of people feel entitled to things - either because they have looks or think that highly of themselves, and if he's willing to hold up his end of the bargain and they can have a decent life, I don't get the judgment. Especially as he can change over time as they deepen their relationship, build a family, etc. I mean, I'm sorry - but I've been the "nice" buy too often and I know if I get married we're going to have long discussions before about money (and lots of other things). If I were him and had that much money I'd be okay with a 70-30 split of a more expensive house in the pre nup or something.

[Els]

On 4/17/2020 at 11:20 PM, poppyfields said:

Question for @simplycurious, if you were out with a woman, getting on well with her during the date, discovered there was a mutual attraction, but then the bill came and she insisted on going dutch and paying her own share, would that be a turn off to you? 

And if yes, why? 

Has that ever happened to you?  LOTS of women in today's dating environment prefer to pay their own way, and an equal amount of men who welcome that!

In fact, there are men (on this forum in reading past threads) who have posted they would dump a woman he was otherwise attracted to if she did not offer to pay by at least the third date. 

Something about that reflecting an "entitlement" attitude, which some men are sensitive to and can be a deal breaker for them in today's dating environment. 

Just wondering what your thoughts are about that other than simply saying you like to pay. 

Offering to pay is very different from insisting, though... IMO every adult should always assume that they are going to be paying their share if they're meeting someone for the first time, and they should always offer to do so. But if the other person wants to pay they can graciously accept, there is no need to be having a huge fight with him at the cashier.

 

19 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

if he's willing to hold up his end of the bargain and they can have a decent life, I don't get the judgment. Especially as he can change over time as they deepen their relationship, build a family, etc.

It would be a really, really, really bad idea to marry someone and have children with him under the assumption that "he'll change" - that will almost inevitably lead to disappointment. This guy has said quite clearly what he intends to do if they get married, and if she isn't okay with it she should not do so. Seriously, don't ever marry someone expecting that they'll change.

 

[boymommy]

My boyfriend is the same way. I am disabled but receive a generous amount of money from my ex husband in support payments in addition to Social Security Disability. It's enough to live off of and support two children but I still have to budget. My boyfriend has a good job and makes a decent amount of money. He is of the perspective he would want an equal (or close to it) partner. Most modern men feel this way. There are very few old fashioned traditional men who feel they should support their partner. I met a few when I was dating but those types of relationships didn't work for me. Not the right fit. 

I for one like being more independent, having my own money, doing things for myself and contributing to my relationship. There is something very empowering and freeing about this. Why do you need your boyfriend's help? It's not the 50's. So you don't have equal salaries. Maybe you guys can compromise and if you buy a house, then you contribute equal to downpayment but he pays more of the utilities? There are tons of options. It's not black and white, one size fits all. 

All that being said..you may be more of a traditional type person. I have a traditional value system but I dislike traditional men which is a little strange lol. But you may find this type of relationship is a better fit at the end of the day. Ask more questions and find out!

Edited April 23, 2020 by boymommy