Finances in a relationship?

[simpycurious]

On 4/8/2020 at 9:19 AM, smackie9 said:

And it's very noticeable, the majority of threads are started by women.

Why do think that is, Smackie?  (concerning the finances)

[smackie9]

59 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Why do think that is, Smackie?  (concerning the finances)

Because traditionally most women expect men to be the provider. Heaven forbid if a guy that made less hold his hand out saying she should pay more for things.

[Woggle]

These threads show it is not just men who have a hard time adjusting to changing gender roles.

[simpycurious]

11 minutes ago, Woggle said:

These threads show it is not just men who have a hard time adjusting to changing gender roles.

I just want to be able to do the paying.  It's kinda that simple for me.  It is obvious this is a DATED point of view.

[Els]

On 4/10/2020 at 3:51 PM, heartbroken56 said:

Hi all,

It’s me again - was reading everything. I didn’t realize people don’t discuss finances before marriage. I wouldn’t want to be engaged and then find out I viewed finances completely differently as a partner. I have had friends deal with this and for example 8 years later they break up with someone when they could have figured it years prior. As stipulated before, him and I have discussed getting married. It’s a very assumed fact hence why I has stated that I already know I would sign a prenup. Therefore, we are on track to get engaged.  Which is why I have been shocked at the gold digger comments, when a prenup realistically ‘protects’ The wealthier person  from that...
 

As for how we know each other’s finances, we both were honest about our savings and etc. That’s why I know ‘how much more’ than me he has and that’s related to his own wealth from working and investments. Also I’m not in a position where I need sugar daddies as some have posted, I have done a very good job of being financially stable and have never depended on any men in my life, nor would I ever want to be dependent of a man. I have no interest in knowing what his inheritance will be as it’s not my business, I would never ask a question like that. Therefore, I don’t have an inkling of what he’ll receive or not receive from his parents. Just from what I’ve seen - I can tell tell they are very comfortable and from what he’s told me.

Main point I was trying to make is that I was raised to think that when you get married, your previous assets before marriage are yours (Up to the person to share them if they choose)- however once you’re married, isn’t it supposed to become more of a partnership and shared assets? His earlier comments just seemed very much as though we would still be living very ‘split’ lives once married. As I have stated before, if I was the person with more money and we found a dream home and he couldn’t quite pay half, I would cover the difference. I’m offended at the fact that he wouldn’t do the same for me. I agree, he doesn’t have too. He doesn’t owe me anything. But where I’m from , when you’re married - marriage is meant to build a life with a person and not feel like ‘this is my money vs. this is your money’. Therefore, why even get married at that point if everything is financially separated. You might as well be roommates? 

Also, I live in the US, but I am originally from elsewhere. Therefore, yes, sometimes I think cultural differences make you approach marriage and finances differently. 
 

i also would like to highlight that naturally women give up more then men when kids come into the picture. Which is something we’ve both highlighted we would want after getting married. As a woman, you’re giving up income, retirement and etc. For a few years or even sometimes a long period of time. And so that’s where it feels kind of impossible to imagine ‘splitting’ everything down 50/50 In a marriage. Sure, you can do it. But it’s becomes very hard on the stay-at-home person to do this for a continuation of a relationship if no longer employed and etc. 

Maybe we are having a premature conversation To a few of you, however I am the type of person that would like to imagine a future with my SO and understand the details before just marrying someone and not truly understanding what expectations would be and etc. 

I thought that your viewpoint was already reasonable before you mentioned you both wanted kids, and now, frankly, I think it's MORE than reasonable. It makes zero sense to insist on a 50/50 financial split when only one party is taking on the enormous biological burden of pregnancy (and most likely the lion's share of the childcare). I mean, if we're going to be that calculative, is he okay with paying you $50k for each child (half the cost of a surrogate in the US), plus the market daycare rate for each extra hour of childcare you do, double rates for waking up to nurse at night? That would be an incredibly bizarre relationship, but at least it would be fairer than what he's proposing.

 

[Miss Spider]

Heartbroken, thanks for clarifying about the stage of your rship. From what you've posted, it does not specifically say he wants to split everything 50/50, but that if you were to purchase a large asset together, he would want that to be something you can afford as well, so it is more "fair". I am born and raised in the USA and that seems a bit strange to me too. He sounds cheap, tbh.

Edited April 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

I just want to be able to do the paying.  It's kinda that simple for me.  It is obvious this is a DATED point of view.

My ex and my current are the same.  They want to pay, it gives them pleasure to pay.  

They both also open doors for me, if we were dining out, my ex used to stand whenever I stood! 

I thought that was a bit much lol but that's how he was raised, same with my current, both very polite and gallant that way. 

I do sometimes pay though and my current gets uncomfortable sometimes, but it makes me feel good to do it.

I also reciprocate in other ways too. 

Edited April 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

My ex and my current are the same.  They want to pay, it gives them pleasure to pay.  

They both also open doors for me, if we were dining out, my ex used to stand whenever I stood! 

I thought that was a bit much lol but that's how he was raised, same with my current, both very polite and gallant that way. 

I do sometimes pay though and my current gets uncomfortable sometimes, but it makes me feel good to do it.

I also reciprocate in other ways too. 

That's exactly how it is with me.  It's just how I was raised.  I totally get that many women are uncomfortable with men doing so  and find it offensive but I SWEAR that it's not meant to be offensive or anything of the sort.  Polite maybe Gallant probably not.  I can think of many other things that I would deem to be gallant. That's probably some outstanding "reciprocation." 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, simpycurious said:

That's exactly how it is with me.  It's just how I was raised.  I totally get that many women are uncomfortable with men doing so  and find it offensive but I SWEAR that it's not meant to be offensive or anything of the sort.  Polite maybe Gallant probably not.  I can think of many other things that I would deem to be gallant. That's probably some outstanding "reciprocation." 

Oh I didn't mean paying was necessarily gallant, I meant they were (current is) gallant in other ways - chivalrous, courteous, respectful, I dunno polite!  

I really like it, course it goes both ways. . 

[simpycurious]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Oh I didn't mean paying was necessarily gallant, I meant they were (current is) gallant in other ways - chivalrous, courteous, respectful, I dunno polite!  

I really like it, course it goes both ways. . 

That's the just the way it is suppose to be, to me anyway.  Again, I fully recognize these are mostly outdated viewpoints.  I don't even think about most of these things, I just do them. It honestly does not mean that SHE is less capable or anything.  I just feel a man is SUPPOSE to treat a lady in a certain way.

Edited April 16, 2020 by simpycurious

[simpycurious]

15 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Heartbroken, thanks for clarifying about the stage of your rship. From what you've posted, it does not specifically say he wants to split everything 50/50, but that if you were to purchase a large asset together, he would want that to be something you can afford as well, so it is more "fair". I am born and raised in the USA and that seems a bit strange to me too. He sounds cheap, tbh.

Cookie would a guy who wanted to pay for everything be a deal breaker for you?  Say he was blessed to be well off and just wanted to it?  I am curious to know your point of view on this. Let's say that you really liked/enjoyed most everything else about him besides this issue. 

[OatsAndHall]

19 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

My H and I make the same amount (mostly) so we've had no problem mingling our finances toward our mutual lifelong goals.  

If heaven forbid we were to split (we don't have kids together) it would probably be 50/50, just like it is now.  Together we are much stronger, and that includes financially as well.  

I'm better with finances though, so I handle that "chore", but we do sit down and go over where our money is going (x% savings, x% investment, x% living expenses...). We have a joint account for expenses and each of us still have our own checking and we don't check up on each other as long as we've met those savings and investment goals.

Having a spouse who goes behind your back and racks up debt or spends frivolously is akin to financial infidelity and I can see why it's one of the main reasons people divorce.  There's no way I would tolerate that.

And this is what responsible adults do in a relationship; kudos to you and your SO for making it work. A recent purchase by my GF is a  perfect illustration of why I will keep finances separate from here on out. She has been in the market for a new vehicle for awhile now and opted to finance a rather pricey pick-up truck. She's responsible and she can afford the payments and the insurance. As an aside, I didn't ask for this information nor did I expect it; she divulged it quite randomly after purchasing it.

However, if we were married (huge emphasis on IF) and had a joint bank account, I would take issue with this purchase as I feel that it's just not necessary for either of us to own a pick-up truck. Neither of us has any use for such a large, expensive vehicle that is pricey on gas. We don't have jobs or hobbies that require us to haul large loads of things or tow something. She wanted a pick-up because she doesn't like asking for help when she does have something to move (which is a rarity). IF we were married with joint finances, I would tell her that I don't think this rationale warrants the expense of the vehicle, even if we could afford it. The extra money being spent on the payment, insurance, and gas could go elsewhere.

If we were married and had separate bank accounts, I wouldn't say a word about it; it's her money to spend and manage. I'd have my bank account and my finances to handle and she'd have hers. I wouldn't be carrying the load of an expense that I truly don't think is warranted; she is. And, it would head off any argument when it comes to my stance on financing vehicles (I HATE doing so) as I wouldn't be the one financing it.

I'm obviously not saying anything about it as we're dating and I'm not going to impose my views on her.  I'm not judging her either; we've had passing discussions on our views on finances in a more serious relationship and we're on the same page. She knows that it's a rather elaborate expense but she's willing to take it on. But, again SHE is taking it on and not asking me to do so.

[Els]

2 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

And this is what responsible adults do in a relationship; kudos to you and your SO for making it work. A recent purchase by my GF is a  perfect illustration of why I will keep finances separate from here on out. She has been in the market for a new vehicle for awhile now and opted to finance a rather pricey pick-up truck. She's responsible and she can afford the payments and the insurance. As an aside, I didn't ask for this information nor did I expect it; she divulged it quite randomly after purchasing it.

However, if we were married (huge emphasis on IF) and had a joint bank account, I would take issue with this purchase as I feel that it's just not necessary for either of us to own a pick-up truck. Neither of us has any use for such a large, expensive vehicle that is pricey on gas. We don't have jobs or hobbies that require us to haul large loads of things or tow something. She wanted a pick-up because she doesn't like asking for help when she does have something to move (which is a rarity). IF we were married with joint finances, I would tell her that I don't think this rationale warrants the expense of the vehicle, even if we could afford it. The extra money being spent on the payment, insurance, and gas could go elsewhere.

If we were married and had separate bank accounts, I wouldn't say a word about it; it's her money to spend and manage. I'd have my bank account and my finances to handle and she'd have hers. I wouldn't be carrying the load of an expense that I truly don't think is warranted; she is. And, it would head off any argument when it comes to my stance on financing vehicles (I HATE doing so) as I wouldn't be the one financing it.

I'm obviously not saying anything about it as we're dating and I'm not going to impose my views on her.  I'm not judging her either; we've had passing discussions on our views on finances in a more serious relationship and we're on the same page. She knows that it's a rather elaborate expense but she's willing to take it on. But, again SHE is taking it on and not asking me to do so.

IMO there's a pretty big spectrum between 100% combined finances where everything literally goes into one pot, and the extreme that the OP's partner is talking about (where everything they do or buy together must absolutely be financed 50/50). A lot of couples take a middle of the road approach where they do still maintain personal accounts with discretionary income that they can spend without consulting the other person, but also have joint assets/accounts where they each contribute different amounts based on, say, income ratio.

[Miss Spider]

10 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Cookie would a guy who wanted to pay for everything be a deal breaker for you?  Say he was blessed to be well off and just wanted to it?  I am curious to know your point of view on this. Let's say that you really liked/enjoyed most everything else about him besides this issue. 

Not at all. Not if I like everything else about them. Sounds hot

Edited April 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Not at all. Sounds hot

Agree, it IS hot!  And I truly believe that if men realized how that hotness translates when he and his girlfriend get home, they'd want to pay more often. 

[Woggle]

There are plenty of men who dole out big bucks but get nowhere with women. Money can't buy attraction or love.

[Miss Spider]

True. The key though is you like everything else about them. 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

True. The key though is you like everything else about them. 

Exactly cookies!  Of course money can't buy attraction, but once you're "already" attracted, a man paying can be HOT!  

[Woggle]

If she is attracted you don't have to spend a dime.

[preraph]

I'd feel weird about a man paying for everything.  I'm not talking about dates, though.  But even then, I usually brought a bottle or something.  I don't like feeling like I am beholden or something like that.  Now, if I'd been with someone quite a while and they were very well off financially, I'm sure I could probably get used to it, but I always feel like there would be some trade off expected, right or wrong, and I wouldn't be in that position.  

 

Oats and Hall, that pickup truck purchase, those are the kinds of things you watch and decide if the person has good sense or not.  Even if they do it with their own money, if they've got more money than sense in a way that bothers you, it's something to think about.  

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Woggle said:

If she is attracted you don't have to spend a dime.

True you don't "have" to spend anything, we will still be attracted, but what cookies and I are saying is that when a man we are attracted to pays, it can be hot.

At least for me, and apparently cookies too. And I'm sure other women.  Yin and yang and all that.

And for some other women, they wouldn't give a rat's rear end either way.

Why argue about what some women find hot?  Not getting that.

That said, I do pay as well sometimes.  My boyfriend does not find it hot, in fact it makes him a bit uncomfortable but I pay anyway. 

Edited April 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[Woggle]

I am not arguing what women find hot but from what I observe men trying to buy their into a woman's heart is pretty much wasted money.

[Interstellar]

6 minutes ago, Woggle said:

I am not arguing what women find hot but from what I observe men trying to buy their into a woman's heart is pretty much wasted money.

Not even for a sandwich and a Pepsi? But I know they can be very expensive, soda especially I heard they’ll charge $5 an ice cube after this whole thing blows over. Okay, the last one’s a joke.

Edited April 17, 2020 by Interstellar

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Woggle said:

I am not arguing what women find hot but from what I observe men trying to buy their into a woman's heart is pretty much wasted money.

Not trying to start a war, but I made a point in my earlier post to say they're not trying to buy their way into a woman's heart, he "already" has her heart! 

Perhaps you missed it?

Anyway, not worth debating what some women find hot and others don't, to each their own.

[Woggle]

If I am in love with a woman and she with me then of course I am generous with her.